Loneliness

Loneliness

I am alone sitting in my bedroom, doing nothing,
just staring at the wall in front of me.
My heart wants to sing aloud,
But out of it no sound comes out.

I am alone in a library, reading nothing,
yet keeping a book in my hand.
I want to absorb its thoughts and ideas,
But my mind has made them banned.

I am alone in the theatre, watching nothing,
yet looking at the movie going on.
I want to laugh and cry at what the picture says,
But no expressions my face convey.

And here I am at the study table, writing nothing,
yet holding a paper and a pen.
My hand wants to write a thousand words,
But not a single letter does my brain send.
Alas! I am but a caterpillar in its cocoon of darkness,
waiting restlessly to be a butterfly and remove the claustrophobic loneliness.

What's this? A new member? Ooh, fresh meat!

OK, so your poem isn't that bad, but it's pretty far from good. Your style is kind of confusing, jumping around, switching from modern to old English, and overall just kind of boring.

I am alone sitting in my bedroom, doing nothing,
just staring at the wall in front of me.
My heart wants to sing aloud,
But out of it no sound comes out.

This paragraph is oddly phrased. You say that you are doing nothing, but then say that you are staring at a wall-- that's something. Get rid of "doing nothing" and eliminate the word "just". Also, the last phrase is extremely confusing. You say "out" twice, and you should never use the same word twice in one line when writing poems. Just say "but no sound comes out." And what do you mean by your heart singing? That needs rewriting.

I want to absorb its thoughts and ideas,
But my mind has made them banned

now then-- when you say thoughts, do you mean the author's? Because, I hate to break it to you, but books cannot think. Then, the whole last sentence is confusing. What do you mean? Why is your mind banning them, and how does it have anything to do with loneliness?

I am alone in the theatre, watching nothing,
yet looking at the movie going on.
I want to laugh and cry at what the picture says,
But no expressions my face convey.

Well, for starters on this one, you spelled "theater" wrong. I sort of understand what you are trying to say about not watching but looking, but it just sounds weird. Maybe "watching the movie, but not comprehending?" that sounds better, and you don't want to use casual phrasing like "going on." Also, you contradict yourself. If you don't care about the movie, why do you want to laugh and cry? Also, you phrase the last line wrong. It should be "But my face conveys no expression."

And here I am at the study table, writing nothing,
yet holding a paper and a pen.
My hand wants to write a thousand words,
But not a single letter does my brain send.
Alas! I am but a caterpillar in its cocoon of darkness,
waiting restlessly to be a butterfly and remove the claustrophobic loneliness.

Don't say " And here i am". Rephrase that. Maybe "Now I sit at the study table...?" Also, throughout the poem you say that you won't allow yourself to do things-- this doesn't sound lonely-- it sounds like something happened to you but you cannot bring yourself to share it. Also, you (again!) cannot use weird phrasing like "...does my brain send." Then, abruptly, you switch to using old English, with "Alas!" You can't do that without redoing the whole poem in that style. I actually like the rest of that line, but i don't quite understand what you mean by saying "...and remove the...".


Overall, this poem needs a lot of work, but you show promise. Keep writing!

Hello ozasatya! It's Selin.
Before I begin to criticise your poem, I'd like to say welcome to YWS! I hope you will like this atmosphere of sharing lots of precious works...

Loneliness, is a very good poem name I think, but in meantime, it is so common. I absolutely see your loneliness in all of your lines; but I can't catch where the limit is or if it is unlimited, how do you live it? You seem you are reading but you don't; you seem you're watching but you don't... You are all alone during all these activities and you know you are alone. But how do you feel about that?
Loneliness is a pessimistic theme and I loved your first and second lines;

"I am alone sitting in my bedroom, doing nothing,
just staring at the wall in front of me."
Staring at the wall in front of you... I can imagine that clearly. And then,

"My heart wants to sing aloud,
But out of it no sound comes out."
Your 'heart' wants to sing aloud... I liked your usage of "a heart singing" here. But then no sound comes and a disappointment? I stopped here waited the poem go on with this theme. But,

"I am alone in a library, reading nothing,
yet keeping a book in my hand."
Suddenly I found myself in a library with a book... I couldn't put together these two types of situation.

"I want to absorb its thoughts and ideas,
But my mind has made them banned"
I guess, here you wanted to say you want to memorize everything the book says.

"I am alone in the theatre, watching nothing,
yet looking at the movie going on."
Again, the loneliness came. You look at the screen and watch "nothing". Or you feel that way.

"I want to laugh and cry at what the picture says
But no expressions my face convey."
No reflections.

"And here I am at the study table, writing nothing,
yet holding a paper and a pen
My hand wants to write a thousand words,
But not a single letter does my brain send."
Writing nothing?

"Alas! I am but a caterpillar in its cocoon of darkness,
waiting restlessly to be a butterfly and remove the claustrophobic loneliness"
This part is definitely my favourite! I loved the metaphor you created. As you're saying "waiting restlessly"; did you mean you bear all this loneliness and still have expectations to move on?
A good end then.
Though I still couldn't get the point of the poem, I liked while reading it.
For me it described many "feelings I cannot name" especially at the beginning lines, so keep going.
Selin

Dear friends,

I was very happy to read your reviews, especially the one from Dreamy 115 was very interesting. Well all i would like to tell is that i tried to do personification in the poem. Even an idiot would know that the books cannot think. Also i used the US english(my mistake) and wrote the spelling of theater as theatre. As for the other feedbacks i was happy( Selin was very good) and i will try to do my best to write good poems in the future.