Just Leave.

(Another miserable attempt at poetry by me.)Well, I wrote this during math and I was particularly annoyed. It's small, but please suggest on improving it. Thanks! (Also I'm not sure where it would fit, so I've placed in Other Poetry)
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The daemonic form walks in,
All is silent and still.
The anger's static
Disarrays her mane.
Our pages are white, untouched
Silence hangs down heavy on us.
Fiery eyes pierce into our minds,
Extricating our responses.
Silent curses are flung at her
Not a graze in her steely frame.

The bell sounds, the hour's done.
A collective sigh of relief escapes.

Hi there!

I like this poem! It effectively depicts the emotions running through your mind when you're sitting through a class you absolutely can't stand.

You followed your theme very well, but the one thing that I didn't really like was this line:

Fiery eyes pierce into our minds,
Extricating our confessions.

Confessions just seems like the wrong word here. The answers to a math question aren't really a confession. They're more of a response. I'm not sure what you could change it to -- maybe responses? -- but confessions just seems...out of place.

Good job otherwise!

- Sam

Hi.
I thought your poem was good! It reminded me of how I feel during Maths (which is 6th period today! ) and

Not a graze on her steely frame

certainly reminds me of my own Maths teacher!

I felt that perhaps the word 'confessions' didn't fit, but, all in all, it was good!

Thanks for the read,
Woozey
x

I thought you did a really good job on this poem. You put in enough emotion and detail, while still making it clear what the theme was. But you didn't have to actually tell us, which is very impressive. Your structure was good and the poem flowed well. My only critique was this line:

Not a graze in her steely frame.

Graze makes me think about cows eating clover in a field. So I am wondering how she doesn't have a graze in her frame? It doesn't make sense at all. Perhaps you could clarify? Good job otherwise.

Hi there! This is a good start to poetry, writing down thoughts that occur to you while in class but the poem feels a little fragmented and doesn't quite flow smoothly yet. Let's see, here's a few comments and suggestions:

The daemonic form walks in,

The first line of a poem is very important, if you have a poor first line some readers might decide not to bother reading. This one is a little passive for the tone of your poem, you shouldn't start with the if it can be easily avoiding. Take a little more time to describe her entering the classroom, you could have something like:
Daemonic form bending at the waist,
her claws leave disease on the handle.
She enters.
Of course you'll spend longer thinking of better lines than me

All is silent and still.

Thus is known as telling instead of showing. What are ways you can show us that it is silent and still? If you describe the sound of something that wouldn't otherwise be heard like people's breathing a pen rolling across a desk or someone swallowing. A lone sneeze perhaps. It's much better to describe what there is than to exagerate and say that there was nothing.

The anger's static
Disarrays her mane.

It isn't necessary to capitalise every line. A lot of free verse poetry and even most of the modern structured poetry only uses capitals after a full stop or to emphasise a particular word.

Not a graze in her steely frame.

It would make more sense to say on her steely frame but this line could use some improvement. What do you want to say by this? That her stare is constant and flawless or that she's so powerful she can't be harmed? Or maybe that her face is as stuck as a china doll's. This line is too vague and it doesn't give the reader a strong image in their head. Think of what you really want to say and then say it.

The bell sounds, the hour's done.
A collective sigh of relief escapes.

And everyone goes home safe. This is a little bit of a dull ending. Let your imagination rule the poem. So that's what really happened but what could have happened? Does she choose which student she will have for her mid-day snack and instruct them to carry books to her office? I'd like to see an ambivalent ending where you suggest she may be monster or just a teacher.

Well then, thanks for the read and feel free to pm me if you have any questions,

Heather xx

Lava, this was so hilarious! I loved how you described the evil teacher, and how it flowed from line to line. It reminds me of a teacher I had in sixth grade, whose name was Mrs. Gurwitch. No joke, I swear. She was exactly like this, and got the same reactions out of her terrified students. There was only one thing I found odd with this poem:

[quote="
The daemonic form walks in,[/quote]

I'm not quite sure if demonic can be spelled that way, but I'm probably wrong, aren't I? Also, I think this line needs to be rephrased. Maybe something like "the demon enters the room," or something to that effect. The way it is right now makes me think of a literal demon, not a cruel teacher who is only depicted that way by a student. That's just my opinion, though, so it's your choice.

The anger's static
Disarrays her mane.

I love this line! It's perfect when you use mane instead of hair.

So, excellent job, Lava, really excellent. And I don't think this is a miserable attempt at poetry! The exact opposite. You wrote something about how you were feeling in the moment, and that can be kind of cliched once you look back on it. But this was so fun! Thank you for making me smile! Keep writing this way, because it's great!

lavabubblingout wrote:All is silent and still.

I actually think you can eliminate this line, as it is said to greater effect later in the poem, and possibly expand on the teacher walking in.

lavabubblingout wrote:The bell sounds, the hour's done.
A collective sigh of relief escapes.

As someone else said, this feels like a cop out. Maybe the bell rings, the hour's done-- and she assigns you all detention. Or a ton of homework or informs you of a test the next day.
Something to make this poem end with a bang.
Besides that, great job and keep writing.
Empress

Alright I don't care how Matt Daemon spelled his name, or whoever came up with that word... It sounds like it should be spelled demon, go read a bible... an urban bible... LMFAO! No, it was a good poem, sounds a lot like most of my classes but with less time asleep.

Thanks for the review guys. I shall try re phrasing a few sentences here and there.

I think you've done an excellent job, considering you wrote this in math class which has got to be the most mind-numbing subject on Earth. my favourite line has got to be where you mention "disarrays her mane". Your teacher sounds vicious! Although I advise you not to show her the poem.

Hey, Bubbles...Lava...I don't know you're official nickame, so forgive me if I didn't say the right one. Okay, so this is pretty good. I didn't think it stood out much, and certain parts didn't make much sense to me. How would we have known it was about math if you hadn't told us? D:
Well. Bye!
-Mizz

Hi there my friend:) a poem for all the annoying teachers out there haha, i like it though it is a little short..but is there a reason why it is short maybe to show how short your attention span was in that class?lol just kidding;) its very emotional poem like the way you described the class and the setting, one could almost feel the intensity in the room:) was a great attempt

Not bad, just a little too short I thought. It could be a lot longer. There is a part here that I'm not quite sure of. "Not a graze in her steely frame." Not exactly sure what you meant there.