Wire Hearts and Paper Dreams (4)

6 posts
User avatar
Gender Female
Points 3020
Reviews 24
My head....

Oh, god, my head....

"Trinity," Someone says, shaking my shoulders. I clutch my skull, groaning. It feels like someone took a sledgehammer to my brain, or filled it with icy daggers. "Trinity....Oh god, is she ok?" Just go away, I think. Stop touching me and go away. I try to force my eyes open, force them to see the light on the other side of my lids.

"Trinity," This time it's a softer voice, a colder hand. My eyes open to see a pink mouth and white chin. I let my eyes travel up the face in front of me, stopping when I get to gold eyes.

"Sebastian," I'm not sure whether it was a thought or a breath or a word, because all I know is that it's him. Suddenly I feel all the pain, feel everything that's wrong. Everything. Cold tears slip down my face and I blink, trying to clear my vision. I can't breathe, my lungs are being crushed, there's a knife in my back, a rabid dog chewing on my leg. "Oh god," I choke out, squirming to get rid of the pain when it only gets worse. "Oh god," I sob, my voice rising. Now my whole body is being shaken by worried hands and tortured sobs. I shut my eyes tight, trying to get rid of it all. "Go away," I whisper hoarsely. "Just go away."

"Trinity," it's the same voice, the same cool hand on my cheek. "Trinity, open your eyes." I don't do anything in response but clutch at my leg, trying to get the dog off. "Go away," I cry, still unable to breathe. I hear the wailing of sirens, and my eyes open as new hands pick me up, setting me down on a stiff bed. And what I see nearly rips my heart out, giving me new pain.

It's Sebastian, walking away.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

"And you're sure you're ok?" Cody asks as we walk out the hospital doors, hours later. I nod, not trusting my voice to be steady. "Oh, Trey." Cody sighs, wrapping me in a warm hug. "Oh, Trey," he says again, his voice cracking a bit. Surprised, I pull back to see tears in his blue eyes. "I just...I thought...I was scared." He whispers, searching my eyes. I look back at him, guilty I would scare him like that. When our mom died it was horrible. It was bloody, heart-breaking, scary. It was death.

I hug him again, tighter this time, knowing there's nothing to be said. He sniffs, letting me go, walking towards our waiting taxi. The ride is silent, but once at home I realise no one told me exactly what happened. "Cody?" I ask, walking to the bathroom where he's brushing his teeth. "Cody, what happened to me?" He looks at my refection in the mirror, his forgotten toothbrush laying in the sink. Finally, he shakes his head and tells me "tomorrow". I sigh, turning away. He's been through plenty today, I tell myself. He doesn't need anymore stress right now. I lean by my bedroom window, staring gloomily at the dead tree across the street. Someone knocks on the door, just two, hard raps that make me jump. Embarrassed by my fear, I practically run to the front door, throwing it open. And there, standing in the badly lit hallway with burns in the carpet and stains on the walls, is Vincent Tadahiro.
Is he dancing with a little boy in spandex?!

~Papa Doorbell




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 3020
Reviews 24
Ok, I know people have been looking at this, now would some one please review?!



xD Nutty
Is he dancing with a little boy in spandex?!

~Papa Doorbell




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 3129
Reviews 108
Hello! I'm KailaMarie, and have been slacking on reviewing a whole lot lately since I haven't had much time, but waa laa! I'm here to review your's! Yay!

Oh, god, my head....
God is generally capitalized, I'm pretty sure. It's in this a couple times, but that would be silly for me to quote each one.

"Go away," I cry, still unable to breathe.
You have good imagery, but here it's starting to get a little repetative. Maybe change "still unable to breathe" to something like "still gasping, desperate for breath" or something more dramatic.

I look back at him, guilty I would scare him like that.
I would change this to something like "guilty that I scared him like that." Even though this is in present tense, she is talking about something that has already happened in the story, so you should use the past tense.

It was bloody, heart-breaking, scary. It was death.
Something about this line sounds a little juevenile compared to the rest of this. Maybe think of better word choice, like something instead of "scary" and I can't decide if I like "It was death." In a way, it's like "duh" but I also kind of like it... I'm not sure. Haha.

Ok, so I just noticed that this is the fourth chapter/part to this story, and I haven't read the first three. But from what I've read, I really liked it. I'm intrigued, and will probably read the first three now. I would just say work on the few things I pointed out, but I like it. Bravo. :)
... :D ...
[url]spottedturtle.tumblr.com[/url]




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 2246
Reviews 11
xX_white_shadow_Xx wrote:My head....

Oh, god, my head....

Since you put most of your thoughts in italics, this should be in italics too.

xX_white_shadow_Xx wrote: And what I see nearly rips my heart out, giving me new pain.

Giving me new pain sounds a bit awkward. Hmm, maybe "making me feel more terrible than I already do"

xX_white_shadow_Xx wrote: It's Sebastian, walking away.

Awww :smt022

xX_white_shadow_Xx wrote: lit hallway with burns in the carpet and stains on the walls, is Vincent Tadahiro.

That completely makes me want to read the next chapter. :smt023

Keep writing!
Can't wait till chapter 5. :smt026
"Tom: What happens if you fall in love?
Summer: Well, you don't believe that, do you?" -(500) Days of Summer
Spoiler
My name is Eduardian.

Spoiler
Not really, though.




User avatar
Gender None specified
Points 1490
Reviews 7
Can i just say...wow! All of your stories are amazing! Everytime im done reading these stories i feel like ive been in another world. Good Job! :)
'Don't fear death, Fear unlived life'




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 3020
Reviews 24
Thanks you guys! :) Sorry I haven't been on in forever, but I'm definitely going to keep going with this story, even if it's slow going at first. Hope y'alls didn't give up on me!

~Nutty
Is he dancing with a little boy in spandex?!

~Papa Doorbell



No, it's not that you didn't succeed. You accomplished a lot, but, if you want to touch people, don't concentrate so much on rhyme and metre. Think more about what you want to say instead of how you're saying it.
— LCDR Geordi La Forge