Draft help: Prologue to the fantasy ver 2

PROLOGUE


Alex

How did I let this happen? The first thing that popped in my mind as I regain consciousness. The mornings I have now are different unlike the ones I had before. I wake up in my bed and I am reminded again that I no longer share this bed with anyone. She’s gone now and I can only feel remorse for what I could’ve done and hatred towards myself for not doing them. As much as I wanted to feel happy for her that day, I just could not bring myself to erase the thoughts of how she’ll be going away from me forever. No longer will we see each other, smell each other’s scent, feel each other’s touch, those days are gone for good. It was inevitable, as I begin to play the memories we found for each other, memories that I’d gladly keep and throw away everything else for. It was Karen who went on her way, and I still can’t find myself to move an inch from the very spot where we both stopped being “us” and started being “You and Me”.

Now I lie here in bed, in what used to be our apartment. I close my eyes and try to sleep again, to try and dream of the days where we were both happy, uncaring for what the world might do to us, what it might do to hinder us.


Karen

“Oh Alex…” I realize that these are the first words that I've muttered this morning as I lose touch with my dreams and open my eyes to reality. I no longer bear with me a smile every morning unlike back then, a smile which kept me looking forward to tomorrow. I look to my right and see before me the man I have to love, the man I'll have to force myself to be with, to try and live the rest of my life halfheartedly. It was still so fresh to me, as if everything just happened yesterday. Alex and I, it was fate that decided to join us and it was also fate that decided to separate us. I always wonder why fate played a cruel joke on us, ever since I found out that I’ll belong no longer to Alex. It was all so fast that I feel as if time has slipped away from my palms that I couldn’t keep up, I couldn’t bear in mind the fact that we were never meant to be. Time did not allow me to get used to this feeling yet.

Now I find myself struggling to catch up on what has happened in my life. As the rest of the world moves on, I’m stuck in the past and still cannot accept what God has decided for me. I lie on my back on my new bed, my eyes view the ceiling of my new home as a canvas to which I paint my memories with Alex every morning, every night; as I wake up and as I fall asleep. I want, rather, need to forget yet also dream of him at the same time every single day. I am confronted with a dilemma every moment, a dilemma in which I hurt no less than the day we both bid our last words to each other.

Now I lie here in bed longing for his breath, his touch, his eyes, but most of all, his love. I’d give anything to relive the past once more. I’d do anything to be with him again.
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Please critique! and if you can, compare with the previous version and tell me if this one is better or worse.

here's the previous version: topic54410.html

thank you and good day.

Hey there! Here as requested.

Ok, so firstly I'm going to go over nitpicks in this. Although when I read through there were very few - you've eliminated most of the problems that I found in the first piece!

It's a morning unlike any other

So this is fine, but later on it seems like they've actually been split up for a longer time than just a day. If it was the day after they'd split up then this would be fine, but if they hadn't been together for some time then surely he would have had many mornings like this?

“Oh Alex…” I realize that these are the first words I muttered this morning

Probably should be "these are the first words that I've muttered this morning."

as I lose touch on dreams and open my eyes to reality.

So I love this! But I think it might be better if you said "lose touch with my dreams". It just flows nicely.

I look to my right, I see before me the man I have to love, the man I'll have to force myself to be with, to try and live the rest of my life half-heartedly.

You might want to change this to either "looking to my right I see ..." or "I look to my right and see ..." The comma and the was it's phrased kind of split it up too much.

As the rest of the world moves on, I’m stuck in the past, still cannot accept what God has decided for me.

Instead of the second comma I think you should have "and" or "and I".

I want to forget him but I also want to dream of him, always.

This feels slightly awkwardly worded. Perhaps you could say something like "Sometimes I want to forget him, but I always want to dream of him". Well ... you don't need to say it like that but just word it so that the sentence flows better.

I’d give anything to relive the past once more, I’d do anything to be with him again.

For effect perhaps you could split this up into two sentences?

Well, that's it for the nitpicks!

Ok, so you wanted to know which version I found better. At first my answer is pretty neutral, I actually like both of the versions that you've put here. However, as it's the prologue I actually prefer this version to the former. As you said, it's a little more vague which sets a better scene seeing as it is just the prologue and to me your other one is more of a first chapter. So yeah, those are my thoughts on the matter!

Good luck with this, and remind me when you post up the next part! If you have any more questions then feel free to PM me!

~Amy

I so love you right now for reviewing my works so patiently, kindly, and professionaly!

I'll fix this, the next one you'll be seeing would probably have 2 chapters by then. I already had about 3 when I felt that a prologue is needed.

thank you for this!

Hi there anima, again.
I’m back and ready to kick this prologues butt…okay, to be honest, Aqua got the major stuff but I will touch on characters a bit.

Alex & Karen
Right now, both of them do feel a little flat and we aren’t getting much about them but it is early in the story. The things I feel you should remember are simple. Don’t make them seem like their break up is the only thing that makes up who they are. No wallowing in self pity all of the time. Lives do have to go on, no matter how heart broken they may seem. And make certain that you take the time to add action and defining characteristics.
Maybe Karen likes to wash dishes while listening to Neil Diamond. Maybe Alex always wears mismatched socks. Little things like that make characters more interesting.

Over All
This does have a very slow feeling and I will be honest and say that as a prologue, it doesn’t really draw me in like it should. But that was mostly because both of the characters seemed very flat. So by creating more interesting characters, you’ll be able to draw in readers more easily.

I'm off to hit the rest of your requests.
~lilymoore

I am grateful for the reviews you made for me. I didn't realize how boring my characters were until you came along!

Thank you times a million squared!