The Tragedy of The Boy in Love

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Hello all! This is an idea that came to me. I am sure that unfortunately this happens quite often. I wanted to create a short, short story to attack this tragic event. Enjoy :)

He hummed the entire tune to " love me do " in anticipation to tell her how he felt. A twenty-minute drive so he could see her. He has no ipod, no radio, he commutes smiling and listening to the music in his head. She will no doubt be waiting for him because he arranged this tryst a half hour before.

"How about we meet at our favorite park?" He asked.
"Your favorite park, No. " she responded.
"Alright, What about at the pond where we fed the ducks?"

His kind voice made her irksome as he asked ever so politely.
"No." she said again.
"Okay. Great idea. The Coffee House, Ill buy you a vanilla cappuccino." He tried once more.
"That will work." She finally agreed.

He was two minutes away when he started planning his poetic speech.
" I ... You are to me..." He murmured. "No, My Love for you is like winter." "Perfect" he thought.

As he pulled into the lot, his eyes searched every parked car for his Love's yellow V.W. bug.
"Where is her chariot?" He wondered. "
Surely she is here. I told her exactly 3:00pmHe checked the dash clock, and compared it with his wristwatch. The car read 3:02, and his watch read 2:59.
Without a worry he strolled inside and greeted the curly haired barista with a wave and smile.

"Can I have a vinte vanilla cappuccino with soy milk. It is for my girlfriend , she is lactose intolerant. Yea, she will be here any moment, oh could you add extra whip to that please?"

He felt demanding and tipped the barista a five, bringing the total bill to $10 dollars. He took a seat with the best view of the only entrance. An over sized love seat that would be plenty of room to share their love. He fluffed the two maroon swade pillows and placed them symmetrically on both ends. As he waited comfortably, he compared his wristwatch to the coffee mug wall clock. 3:14 and 3:15 read the two timepieces. Any moment now...

3:38 ; She arrived. Donning a burberry plaid scarf and wrapped in a white Aura that filled his vision. She walked in swinging her coach handbag by the strap. Not in a cute manner, but in a violent, "why the hell am I here" way.

"Baby, You Made it! I was beginning to get worried about you, I thought you might have had an accident. Is your phone dead? I tried calling it several times and it always went straight to voice mai..."

She interrupted him, " Look, we need to talk."
"Is that mine?" She asked gesturing towards the coffee that sat on the small side table.

He nodded his head, and wore a genuine smile.
As she reached for the once warm cup his eyes glowed with admiration.

He spoke in a faint tone.
"Let me share first! I brought you here so I could tell you what is burning in my mind. You must know..."

"This is cold" , she informed him after taking a pro-longed sip.

"Is it? Hehe, Just like me love for you." he responded.

"Huh?" She asked and stared with bewilderment. "So, You feel the same way?

"Yes. These four month of courting have been unbelievably fantastic.
And, well.. I love you! "
He sat a moment letting his words thoroughly resonate. After a short moment of silence he grinned and started to recite.
"My love for you is like the winter,
It is.. "

She cut him of, " Frigid and annoying?"

"What ? No of course not." He giggled and continued.
"My love for you will never seize to exist
It is enduring and cozy
Guaranteed, My love for you is
Following fall, I fell for you
Like the temperature drop from summer to winter, I fall in love with you."

She shivered as if being truly cold, but really having just fully digested his spoken words. In her despondency she found three words.
" I like summer "

" Summer is the month our relationship took its first blossom... And,"

Her mind trailed outside the coffee house. She traveled back in time recalling the time spent , wasted , with him.
She remembered the carnival and the enormous over sized panda he had won for her. The frequent surprise visits to her house and work.The size six uggs that had been a perfect fit and warmed her feet like he had never done himself.

She began to remember his insistence of celebrating their one month anniversary that fell coincidentally 3 days before her birthday. That particular week rained attention , obsession, and spoils. A fitted wrist watch started the week off. The Tiffany co. necklace complemented the watch to every shinning detail. The stunning piece boasted two modest diamonds and a silver chain. It was a gorgeous anniversary gift.
A two tier German chocolate birthday cake, that was no doubt home-made and decorated, fed her and her girlfriends for countless days.
And Andy... Andy was creme of the crop of presents. A gesture that was so over the top NASA would have commended the endeavour. Palm sized, Andy was an adorable white and brown shit-poo. The little mixture of Shiatsu and Poodle had been bestowed with a rhinestone carrying case(She hoped hadn't been custom decorated by him like the birthday cake).

Her reverie was cut short by his seemingly simple question.
"I love you unlike anyone I have ever loved.
Will you marry me?" He did it, he actually proposed.

She tried to subdue the cringing of her rose red upper lip. Both two wheels that operated her fragile mind slowed to a near dead pace. She couldn't prevent her gorgeous face from contorting into a monstrous look that resembled a Yettie.
She brushed her golden hair out from in front her face. And her eyes met it for the first time. Her Igor like facial impressions returned into her naturally beautiful gaze into the heart of the impeccable stone that he held in his right palm.

"Well I.. Maybe we shhoo.." she began to stutter.
"Yes, I will"
M a t e o




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Oh my gosh!!! i loved it! It is so suspenseful, I was thinking he was going to dump her at one point, but he didn't. Everything in this is so unexpected and perfect. You do have a spelling error when he says "me" instead of "my love," But other than that it was so funny, I really like the girl character, she comes in with a very hateful attitude and she ends up engeged to him anyways. You have mastered this short story. I like the very different personalities and the guy is so sweet, although it almost went over the top. But other than that, it was great. Keep it up!

Teddy
Driver picks the music, shotgun shuts his cake hole. -Dean, Supernatural




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teo wrote:Hello all! This is an idea that came to me. I am sure that unfortunately this happens quite often. I wanted to create a short, short story to attack this tragic event. Enjoy :)

He hummed the entire tune to " love me do "The title would have capital first letters. in anticipation to tell her how he felt. A twenty-minute drive so he could see her.This is a coppy sentence. It doesn't really flow well. He has You switch tenses a lot. Is it past or present?no ipod, no radio,and yet.. he commutes smiling and listening to the music in his head. She will no doubt be waiting for him because he arranged this tryst a half hour before.

"How about we meet at our favorite park?" He asked.
"Your favorite park, No. " she responded.
"Alright, What about at the pond where we fed the ducks?"

His kind voice made her irksome as he asked ever so politely.
"No." she said again.
"Okay. Great idea. The Coffee House, Ill buy you a vanilla cappuccino." He tried once more.
"That will work." She finally agreed.

He was two minutes away when he started planning his poetic speech.
" I ... You are to me..." He murmured. "No, My Love for you is like winter." "Perfect" he thought.

As he pulled into the lot, his eyes searched every parked car for his Love's yellow V.W. bug.
"Where is her chariot?" He wondered. "Chariot? Really?
Surely she is here. I told her exactly 3:00pmHe three o'clock P.M.checked the dash clock, and compared it with his wristwatch. The car read 3:02, and his watch read 2:59.
Without a worry he strolled inside and greeted the curly haired barista with a wave and smile.

"Can I have a vinte vanilla cappuccino with soy milk. It is for my girlfriend , she is lactose intolerant. Yea, she will be here any moment, oh could you add extra whip to that please?"

He felt demanding and tipped the barista a five, bringing the total bill to $10 dollars. He took a seat with the best view of the only entrance. An over sized love seat that would be plenty of room to share their love. He fluffed the two maroon swade pillows and placed them symmetrically on both ends. As he waited comfortably, he compared his wristwatch to the coffee mug wall clock. 3:14 and 3:15 read the two timepieces. Any moment now...

3:38 ; She arrived. Donning a burberry plaid scarf and wrapped in a white Aura that filled his vision. She walked in, swinging her coach handbag by the strap. Not in a cute manner, but in a violent, "why the hell am I here" way.

"Baby, You Made it! I was beginning to get worried about you,; I thought you might have had an accident. Is your phone dead? I tried calling it several times and it always went straight to voice mai..."

She interrupted him, " Look, we need to talk."
This is part of the previous paragraph."Is that mine?" She asked gesturing towards the coffee that sat on the small side table.

He nodded his head, and wore a genuine smile.
As she reached for the once warm cup his eyes glowed with admiration.

He spoke in a faint tone.This is all one paragraph again."Let me share first! I brought you here so I could tell you what is burning in my mind. You must know..."

"This is cold" , she informed him after taking a pro-longed sip.

"Is it? Hehe, Just like me love for you." he responded.

"Huh?" She asked and stared with bewilderment. "So, You feel the same way?

"Yes. These four months of courting have been unbelievably fantastic.
And, well.. I love you! "
He sat a moment letting his words thoroughly resonate. After a short moment of silence he grinned and started to recite.
"My love for you is like the winter,
It is.. "
One paragraph.

She cut him of, " Frigid and annoying?"

"What ? No of course not." He giggled and continued.
"My love for you will never seize to exist
It is enduring and cozy
Guaranteed, My love for you is
Following fall, I fell for you
Like the temperature drop from summer to winter, I fall in love with you."
One paragraph.

She shivered as if being truly cold, but really having just fully digested his spoken words. In her despondency she found three words.
" I like summer "

" Summer is the month our relationship took its first blossom... And,"

Her mind trailed outside the coffee house. She traveled back in time recalling the time spent , wasted , with him.
She remembered the carnival and the enormous over sized panda he had won for her. The frequent surprise visits to her house and work.The size six uggs that had been a perfect fit and warmed her feet like he had never done himself.

She began to remember his insistence of celebrating their one month anniversary that fell coincidentally 3 days before her birthday. That particular week rained attention , obsession, and spoils. A fitted wrist watch started the week off. The Tiffany co. necklace complemented the watch to every shinning detail. The stunning piece boasted two modest diamonds and a silver chain. It was a gorgeous anniversary gift.
A two tier German chocolate birthday cake, that was no doubt home-made and decorated, fed her and her girlfriends for countless days.
And Andy... Andy was creme of the crop of presents. A gesture that was so over the top NASA would have commended the endeavour. Palm sized, Andy was an adorable white and brown shit-poo. The little mixture of Shiatsu and Poodle had been bestowed with a rhinestone carrying case(She hoped hadn't been custom decorated by him like the birthday cake).

Her reverie was cut short by his seemingly simple question.
"I love you unlike anyone I have ever loved.
Will you marry me?" He did it, he actually proposed.

She tried to subdue the cringing of her rose red upper lip. Both two wheels that operated her fragile mind slowed to a near dead pace. She couldn't prevent her gorgeous face from contorting into a monstrous look that resembled a Yettie.
She brushed her golden hair out from in front her face. And her eyes met it for the first time. Her Igor like facial impressions returned into her naturally beautiful gaze into the heart of the impeccable stone that he held in his right palm.

"Well I.. Maybe we shhoo.." she began to stutter.
"Yes, I will"


Okay. You need to work really really hard on your puntuation and captial letters. Read other reviews and other writings to see how that works. You have capital letters in the middle of sentences, you have sentences with the wrong or no punctuation and some awkward sentences. You have dialog that should be all in one paragraph on different lines. You have an interesting idea here that you could continue with. Go for it. Just work on your grammar skills. Good luck.

-Jayleigh :elephant:
"Only love heals. Anger, guilt, and fear can only destroy and separate you from your true capabilities."-Damen




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Gender Male
Points 3018
Reviews 23
Thank you, thank you Teddy! I am glad you enjoyed it. :) Jayleigh I appreciate your expertise! I will definitely mock up a new and corrected version. I always want to present my stories with a professional appearance. Muchos Gracias! I look forward to hearing from you after some of my other stories.
M a t e o




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 3018
Reviews 23
blurp bloop blop . don't stop.dancing. :elephant:

I am open to more opinions, good or bad let me hear. I am curious where I could use improvement.
M a t e o



a little humanity makes all the difference
— Rosendorn