8 Billion to One

I watch the world around me,
Random people of different ages, races and complexions.
Handsome and Ugly.
Sweet and Mean.
Odd or Normal.
Names unique and familiar.
Married, Taken Or Single.
I see the different faces around me.
Maybe only five but soon hundred.
Hundred to a thousand
And soon to a billions
& Out of those very billions
I only want you, only you :]

XxEliZ4B3thxX wrote:I watch the world around me,
Random people of different ages, races and complextions. 1
Short and Tall. 2
Handsome and Pretty. 3
Sweet and Nice. 4
Odd or werid. 5
Names unique and familair.6
Married, Taken Or Single.
I see the different faces around me.
Maybe only 5 but soon 100 7
100 to a 1000 7
And soon to a billions
& Out of those very billions 8
I only want you, only you :]

9

Impressive! I didn't see the romance aspect coming until the last line. What a great way to hook the reader, with description and startle them with in a good way with a tender last line.

I do have some edits, but please, it's just to improve the poem. It is a very good poem, and deserves the best!

1: complexions is spelled c-o-m-p-l-e-x-i-o-n-s

2: so this is a nitpick, but I think it would sound better if you used a little more colorful words to describe the extremes of height, you know?

3: handsome and pretty mean the same thing. It seems generally better to keep up with the contrast you started with "short and tall"

4 again, it lacks a compare/contrast.

5 weird is spelled like that <-
again, the contrast factor would add a lot to this line

6 familiar is spelled like that <-

7 In the poem, at least to me, it would be a lot more appealing if you wrote the numbers in word form. It would just fit in better.

8 write words out, in general, as a rule, instead of using the symbols it is a lot more well, artistic, since this is poetry, after all.

9 nothing to be fixed with this line! This is probably the most endearing romance poem I've ever read. I'm not very big on romance, but this one takes the cake.

Great job!

Cheers!

-Voxina

Thank You :]
I made some changes :]

Very good. I didn't see the ending coming at all. My only critique is about the punctuation. Normally you punctuate poetry just like you do prose. If you wrote this out in paragraph form you would add periods and commas where it is natural. I think you do a pretty decent job with this, but you don't have to capitalise each line, only those that follow a period. Also you capitalised the compare/contrast words in each line and I thought that was distracting. Hopefully this helped, your poem is well-written. Good job!

Hello there! This is such a sweet poem! I've just got a few comments and suggestions for you:

I watch the world around me,

This is a very vague first line for a poem. Maybe try something stronger and more descriptive like:
'The world spins steadily before my eyes
with her ballerina feet
tip-tapping on my windowsill.'
A good introduction in a poem can often hold a reader's attention better than a single line.

Random people of different ages, races and complexions.

I'm not sure that I like the use of random. Maybe 'clustered' would be better?

Handsome and Ugly.
Sweet and Mean.
Odd or Normal.

Okay so using contrasting images can make for interesting lines, afterall who doesn't like an oxymoron? However I think you've got too many in too short a poem here and you haven't expanded on any of the ideas. Lines alone are a little bare, you need to support them with imagery. Let's consider sweet and mean. What are words and images associated with sweet? You could have something like:
sweet with hair like clustered lemon drops
or mean magicians using men for props.

Maybe only five but soon one hundred.
One Hundred to a thousand
And soon to a billions
&and Out of those very billions
I only want you, only you. :]

What's with the smiley face? Emoticons have no place in poetry.

Overall, I think it has potential and it's very sweet. I hope this helps a little,

Heather xx

So, I mostly liked this poem. Your contrasts are enjoyable, and it flows smoothly, for the most part. The only thing I thought was strange for me was the very last line. I was sort of waiting for a surprise ending, but when I finished reading it, I felt a little disappointed. So, it's a love story after all! Been there, read that. That's how I felt reading this. Crazy odds of love like this are exactly that-- crazy. Of nearly seven billion people in the world, this person wants only one? As if there weren't a thousand more of them? It might sound mean, but it's just my opinion, and I tend to be a little too realistic when it comes to things like romance. Don't worry; after all, I'm only a guy! Romance isn't my thing! Keep writing!

there are 8 billion people already?!

GUYS STOP MAKING BABIES!!!


It was a very good idea, it didn't really flow too much... But the concept was good, not original

I agree mostly with Kitty,
this piece feels like it could use a little more description, and the theme isn't altogether that original, but it's a good one. I also think it could be extended. After you classify all the people, say a little bit about what they do-- bustle back and forth, hop from one place to another, viciously try to attain whatever they can? And what makes this one from eight billion different from the rest?

Hope that helped. Keep writing,
Empress