A Time-Traveller In Versailles (Epic)

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James McKay opened his eyes, after being lulled into a deep slumber by the loss of energy often associated with furious exercise. His room was no longer a dark shade of gray as rays of sunlight poured in from the framed windows that bordered his bed. Wiping his eyes, he rose to his feet, and proceeded to the main room of his time-travelling console. During which, the sound of human voices continued to reverberate throughout the cramped rooms.

“Crikey!” He exclaimed to himself, grabbing a black woollen jacket to cover the shirt he had received from his last trip to a Rolling Stones concert. “You’d think it was the end of the world.”

Exiting the front door, he emerged in front of two giant pools of what appeared to be a lush green park. People around him eagerly drifted to the gate ahead. Following the crowd, he noticed a pair of guards, marked with sheaths for their swords and both dressed in matching attire.

“Excuse me.” He said, approaching the guard to his left. “ Can you tell me where I am.”

The guard glanced at his partner, who returned the look only to break the momentary bond as a man, dressed in farming attire, tried to get past.

“Hold it right there. Court Members Only.”

James quickly went over to the elderly man. “You will let us pass.” He said, slowly passing his hand in front of the guard’s face.

“Do you want that thing chopped off?” The guard replied.

“How much to enter?” James pressed on.

“For folks like him, a lot. For you...” The man paused examining James long black cloak that complement his black jeans. “I’ll let you in for free.”

“All you guards do is secure the lifestyle of the nobles. If you had to stand for long period of time in the field I bet you would sympathize with us peasants. ”The farmer beside James suddenly burst out.

“Wait right there, if you men are standing for long periods of time, then whatever you’re guarding must be pretty valuable, am I correct?”

The guard that had initially rejected the farmer inched closer. “You’re not from here are you?”

“Just visiting.” James replied.

“On which side?” The guard continued.

“What do you mean?” James asked, peering at the large building behind the gate being guarded.

“He means who sent you here. The Dutch, Spaniards, or the English?”
“Or are you from the Holy Roman Empire?” The other guard added, his breath reeking with the smell of fish.

“That depends.” James replied. “I’ve personally met with the King of England, dined with the Hapsburg of Austria, come to think of it the only person I haven’t met....”

Suddenly the earth shook.

The farmer standing beside James darted to the opening of the gate, but was instantly cut down by the guard with the foul breath.

As the guards themselves retreated within the gate, sealing it behind them, a few horses pulling carriages behind them snapped free from their bonds and trampled the crowd of people trying to escape.

A giant fissure had emerged in the ground. A wave of heat poured from the red aura it emanated.

“The Sun King Has Returned!” A man yelled joyously observing the panicked people pushing the second gate of Versailles open.

Running with the crowd, James noticed, a giant hand crafted from molten rock reaching out of the fissure that had expanded since the initial tremor. A ghastly shrill filled the air. The dirt raised by the ground moving apart, began to increase, as people covered their faces and ran for cover.

Ahead of him, James noticed a young woman motioning him forward. Darting inside the house, the woman instantly closed the door behind him.

“Thank you,” James said, “but I really should go check that tremor out.”

“It is the will of God.” The woman replied, taking the jacket off James, pausing as she noticed the giant red tongue on his black t-shirt.

“Where are you from?” She asked, throwing his jacket on a makeshift rack that bordered a red carpet leading into a room filled with paintings of Louis XIV.

As she led him to a chair within the room, a voice filled his mind.

“You have nine days until we come.” It said in a sexless tone.

“Did you hear that?” The girl cried out.

“Now, now, is this the first time you’ve heard something like this before.”

The girl nodded, as tears flowed down her face.

“Here,” James said, giving her his handkerchief.
“Is the King Louis XIV still alive?” James asked, already guessing the answer from the sequence of events.

“No.” The girl replied. “My father was a member of the people’s group that apprehended him, seizing portraits found in his carriage. She pointed to the portraits that adorned the room.

“And have you had any extraterrestrial visits, yes, no?” James asked glancing around the windowless room.

The girl looked at him strangely.

“Extraterrestrial?”

“You know,” James answered, “Big spaceships and gadgets, typical little green men, or should I say, little grey men. Mysterious occurrences things like that.”

“Oh, where are my manners, my name is James,” he added. “James Mckay”.

“Call me Meril.” She replied.

“About your mysterious events. A couple of nights ago, shortly after the King’s execution and people collecting his blood and apparel...” She paused as James gulped.

“...Well a couple of nights ago, late at night, the ground shook, just like then, except I did not see an opening in the ground.”

“Well if it was night, I doubt you would.” James concluded “but please go on.”

“After the tremor, which might have lasted less than the time it takes to blink your eyes once, so I didn’t really think about then, but following the tremor three women emerged at my door with this leaflet.”

James rose from the seat, as Meril went to the bookshelf a removed a tattered piece of parchment.

Inscribed on it were the following words:

The Sun King Shall Return
11 Days Past
He Shall Awaken
And Earth Will Be Last


“What does that mean?” Meril asked.

“Running back onto the red carpet to grab his jacket, James quickly opened the door.
“Hello dear” An elderly woman said with a forceful grin.

James quickly observed the absence of dirt in the air, although the hole in the ground was still there, with a small group carefully observing it a few feet back.

“That’s her, that’s the woman that gave me this leaflet!” Meril said, looking on behind James.

“Who are you and why do you disturb this town!” The woman demanded. Any sign of love or peace was instantly removed from her tone.

“I could ask you the same question,” James replied, observing her hooked nose, the pimples on her cheeks and her mangles grey hair that had a spider crawling on it.

“I asked you first!” She snapped back, raising her left hand while protruding her index finger, which to James’s surprise appeared much more youthful and healthier than the rest of her pale complexion.

“No, really I think it’s best you answer first. My answer would take far too much time, time that could be spent trying to seal the fissure down there.”

“It’s no good.” The woman said. “They have marked Versailles as a target for their plans.”

“Who are they? What plans?” James murmured slowly.

The woman looked up at the darkening sky, and cackled as a giant cloud passed by.

As James looked up, he realized it was not a cloud, but a flying craft in the likeness of Versailles itself.




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Before I review this at all, is this supposed to be the opening of the story?
"Believe nothing, no matter where you've read it or who has said it, not even if I have said it, unless it agrees with your own reason and your own common sense."
-Buddha




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Gender Male
Points 2856
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It seems like a good concept, but things happen way too fast. We're barely introduced to the main character when suddenly the plot is taking off. This is a problem a lot of younger writers come across. How much of the story do you have in your head? Is it just the central story idea, or do you have all (or at least some) of the major characters and events figured out? If not it can sometimes lead to problems with pacing and knowing where to go with your story.

Basically, you want to add more detail everywhere. It's hard to grasp exactly what's going on in your story, but with some revision and clarification it could be good. Like I said, the idea seems interesting so far.
"Believe nothing, no matter where you've read it or who has said it, not even if I have said it, unless it agrees with your own reason and your own common sense."
-Buddha



If you know what the tip of a shoelace is called, Congratulations, you watched Phineas and Ferb!
— FireEyes