Fire On Water: Chapter One (edited)

I've edited this, so now it's less of a chapter and more of a prologue. Thanks to those who reviewed!
It's funny, how one day you can be the person you've always been, and then the next, you suddenly have to be someone else, someone completely different. Sometimes, it’s a change for the better, but the change in my life and Liz’s definitely wasn’t. In fact, we were plunged into something that I know now would cause us nightmares for years to come.
Fourth grade had just gotten out, and Liz’s family and mine were going together to Turks and Caicos. Liz’s mom, Mary, and mine were watching us now while Dad and Mark went to rent a yacht so that we could go out on the water and see the reefs, so Liz and I made sand castles on the beach.
Liz ran into the water, her waist length brown hair tied up to stop it from getting soaked. She bent over and grabbed a handful of wet sand, then straightened, grinning, and lobbed it at me. “Gotcha!” She yelled, laughing delightedly. I scowled playfully, shaking sand out of my short brown hair.
Bending over, I went to pick up a handful of sand myself, but Mary stopped us. “Charlize, Ash! Don’t throw sand at each other, okay? It’s going to get all inside your swimming suits.” Mary was serious, we could tell when she used Liz’s full name. So we subsided again, trying to make the biggest sandcastle we could before the waves knocked them down.
When Dad and Mark returned and led us to the dock where the yacht we’d rented, I ran right on behind Liz, feeling the iron railings and running my hand across the white sides before settling down at the front of the yacht with Liz to watch the water as we sped away from land. The rush of air in my face made me feel almost like I was flying, especially since we were both sitting at the helm. There was nothing better than this.
There were fish everywhere, and the parents slowed once we got near the reefs in order to see them all better. I went with Liz to beg her mom to let us swim. “Mom… can we please go into the water? Pretty please with a cherry on top?” Liz begged, giving her mom Liz’s patented ‘I’m an angel’ look. I made the same face, and she reluctantly nodded.
Liz and I jumped off the boat, splashing loudly into the water. Mary called out to us as we swam away. “Stay close to the boat!” Liz nodded and waved before setting off into the water. We were right next to an underwater reef, and Liz exclaimed happily, looking at all the fish. We dove as close to the reef as we could, staring through our goggles at the fish, starfish, and other life clinging to the crevices on the reef.
At one point, the reef rose out of the water, blocking us from the view of the yacht. Now we could see another big yacht, and I led the way forward, drawn by all the people on the yacht.
“Ash, my mom told us to stay within sight…” Liz wavered, treading water a few feet back. I rolled my eyes at her in exasperation, wanting to go meet the people on the huge yacht. It looked big enough to fit a hundred people.
“Liz, we’re right around the reef! Come on, let’s just go see what they’re doing!” I could see she didn’t want to go, but I was already swimming towards it, so she followed.
When we were closer to the yacht, a man with shoulder length auburn hair leaned over the edge of the huge yacht, waving at us. “Hey! You kids with that other yacht?” He yelled, his voice carried by the breeze.
I bobbed my head in the water. “Yeah, isn’t this cool? Look at all the fish!” I gestured down, my arm visible to them through the clear water. The man smiled, flashing his teeth in a ready grin.
“It sure is. Hey, wanna see this awesome fish we found? It’s huge!” Liz turned excitedly to me at his words, her earlier fear forgotten.
“Let’s go! I’ll race you!” She began to paddle towards the boat, and I started up after her, beating her by a second to the boat. I scaled the side and turned to help Liz up, even though she managed on her own.
“Look at her. Isn’t she a beauty?” The man with the auburn hair asked, pointing at a huge salmon. Liz nodded silently, grinning as she grabbed my hand.
“Wow! Where’d you find her?” I knelt by the fish, running one hand over the shiny scales. I saw other people gather around as Liz knelt and touched the prostate animal as well. The scales were slightly slimy, and both of us stroked them, fascinated.
Next to me, Liz looked up, but I didn’t really notice. Then she spoke. “Ash?” Her voice was weak and scared, something that made me scared. Liz was never scared. Sure, she was a little chicken sometimes, but she was never really scared. I looked up, and I felt my face freeze.
Everyone was standing around us, grinning in a frightening way. I couldn’t explain it. It was almost as though we were the very big catch they had just made. I stood up next to Liz, grabbing her hand and lacing my fingers through hers. I couldn’t say anything. I was too scared.
Liz proved how she was braver than me by clearing her throat and saying, “Listen, this has been fun, but our parents are probably worried about us. We should be going… Thanks though!” She strode purposefully towards where the edge of the boat was obscured by a mass of bodies that surrounded us. When none of them responded, she stopped.
“Please. Let us go!” Liz said, her voice rising slightly. I was panicking now, staring around at all the men, grinning menacingly at us.
The man with the auburn hair spoke. “No.” His voice was flat and dead serious. I heard Liz jump as I leapt at one of the men, kneeing him and punching another in the stomach too fast for anyone to react. What I hadn’t thought of was the fact that I was only ten. The men surrounded me in a flash, and I felt a fist crash into my stomach.
As soon as I caught my breath, I let out a yell, hoping that Mom and Dad would hear us. Over the sea of men, I heard Liz echo my yell, and I shoved at the man who was now holding me upside down and carrying me down the steps and into the cabin.
Behind me, Liz was being carried down as well, letting out a banshee wail, wordless but desperate for help. I struggled madly with my captors as I was dropped into a chair and tied up. As Liz took a breath before yelling again, the man who had called to us in the first place stuffed a washcloth in her mouth, roughly tying a piece of fabric over her mouth.
I wriggled and fought, furious of his treatment of her. I would murder him for doing this to--. My thought was cut off by panic as my scream got cut off and I was gagged as well. Instinctively, I tried to suck in a breath, but the gag seemed to suffocate me, making me cough violently.
When I stopped, the man with the auburn hair was standing in front of us, smiling nicely. Liz began to cry in fear as she shivered in her bathing suit, and he shot her a disgusted look before saying in a forced cheerful tone, “Hello kids. I’m Jean Baptiste. Why don’t you call me JB, since it’s easier?”

Hello CaitlinGrant,

I really liked your story. I liked the normality of it in the beginning, and then the strangeness of it by the end of the chapter. It moved very fast, which I'm not sure if that is a good thing or not, but I liked it. In the beginning, I think you captured the excitement of that day well.
I want to read the next chapter to find out what happens next, but more than that, I want to read it to learn more about Liz and Ash. You have an interesting beginning and interesting people to go with it!
However, the one problem that I have with it, is that at the beginning you say,

But I'm getting ahead of myself. Let me start at the beginning.

No offense, but I have read a million first-person stories that use that phrase. I have even used it myself! I like the first part of that though.

It's funny, how one day you can be the person you've always been, and then the next, you suddenly have to be someone else, someone completely different.

It makes me want to keep reading, to find out why the writer said that. I suggest that you either use that sentence in a prologue, or just take it out. First person stories tend to be a lot better if you leave of the introduction. But that is just my opinion.
GOD bless you, and have a nice day.

I have to say, this is lovely! A few edits:

You need to go through and check for typos. There aren't many, but the few there are could easily be corrected.

Also, think about what level of vocabulary you want to use in this, and what kind of tone. Your character is ten, but you can still use more advanced vocabulary. I just noticed this a little, here and there you used a few more sophisticated words, and in others, the language was very casual. Not a big deal, but a little bit more consistency would really cement the tone of this story.

I guess the whole "tone" thing would just make the piece seem a little stronger, a little more "together" if you know what I mean.

These are tiny details, but would really pull everything together.

I love your story! I'm off to read part two.

Great writing, keep it up.

-Voxina

This is a nice story. It had a certain new creativeness in it as it had alot of new ideas and plot. But, the story went in an old fashion way in revealing the plot. I mean, some of the ideas (some okay? not all) were definitely used by other writers to explain this kind of plot. I wasn't saying that your ideas weren't good, but it seemed a bit common.

Alright, onwards.

The first this I felt when I have gone half-way through the story was that you seem to moving very fast. Which means that your story lacks description at some points. You seem to be moving at lightning speed through the places where the characters are, what they are doing, etc. The story does not give the reader time to get adjusted to scenery in the story. It creates a sort of blurred and vague picture in the reader's mind, and that is not a good thing. For example,

When I woke up, Liz told me that we were landing, and that it was ten forty-five. Groaning, I got to my feet as we stumbled out of the airport and into a cab. I was asleep again as soon as the engine started. By the time I woke up the next morning, Liz had been up for an hour. The sun was up, and she had a bed by the window. We were sharing a room, but my bed was all the way on the other side of the room.
When the parents woke up, we went down to the buffet, and then to the beach. I made a huge sand castle, and then I had a sand-ball fight with Liz, taking the wet sand and chucking it at her. She won, and I ended up in the warm water, trying to get the sand out of my hair.
The next day, Dad and Mark went together to rent a yacht for us to see the reefs, and I played in the clear waters with Liz until they came back. When they did, I ran on behind Liz, feeling the iron railings and running my hand across the white sides before settling down at the front of the yacht with Liz to watch the water as we speeded away from land.

In this paragraph only, you switched the characters from inside a plane, inside an airport, inside a cab, in a hotel in the morning and lastly in a yacht These don't go too well as they were switched so rapidly, I could barely understand it. Try to slow down a little, and describe each and everything, so that the reader can understand what you are trying to tell them. It's essential for the reader to understand as they are the ones who are taking time to read what you have written.

I was asleep again as soon as the engine started. By the time I woke up the next morning, Liz had been up for an hour. The sun was up, and she had a bed by the window. We were sharing a room, but my bed was all the way on the other side of the room.

This was a part I got so confused in. She was first in a cab and was asleep. But suddenly, it was the morning and she was waking up in bed in a hotel. There should atleast a bit of description here as the reader will throughly get confused.

As we were passing through security, Liz asked the lady with the badge whether she was a spy, and I stared curiously. The lady didn’t seem to understand, so we tried to explain about the movie we had seen where the spy checked the passports

I don't know why you wrote, "I stared curiously" and next wrote, "we tried to explain about the movie" So, you (the character) already knew why Liz was asking that question, so, why would she stare curiously.

Mom grabbed my arm and hauled me towards the line, and we got in first because we were children.

This isn't relevant but I think you have to be under 5 years of age or less to get on board the plane first.

When we got to the waiting area, Liz had to go to the bathroom

I don't think you can go out of the waiting room after having your ticket checked.

She strode purposefully towards where the edge of the boat was obscured by a mass of bodies that surrounded us.

This sentence doesn't make any sense. It would be better to write, "She strode purposefully towards the edge of the boat which was obscured by the mass of bodies who were surrounding us"

The men surrounded me in a flash, and I felt a fist crash into my stomach.
As soon as I caught my breath

I doubt that loosing your breath will be the only reaction, when a fully grown man punches a 10 year old in the stomach. She would atleast gag or vomit.

Liz began to cry in fear as she shivered in her bathing suit, and he shot her a disgusted look before saying a forced cheerful tone

How can she cry when her mouth is gagged? Unless, her crying involved only tears running down her eyes. And it should be "Before saying in a forced cheerful tone"

Overall

This story had a very good beginning and ending. But I think you still need to work on some parts of the story. Make it a bit more easier for the reader.

Another very important thing is that, you have not mentioned a single description about your character's appearance, and I had to conjure a picture a 10 year old girl to see your characters in my imagination. A little bit of a description about Ash and Liz would be a definete level-up in your story.

Well, that's everything I can spot, make sure you edit your story.

Good luck

Hey, giving your story a look like you asked, since you were so kind to give mine a look. Now then, there's good and bad in this first chapter. The good is that the ending really made me want to read more. The bad is that everything before the ending really didn't. I think what you were going for was an attempt to show just how happy and innocent the lives of these children are before it all goes south at the end. I think that could be done in a much more condensed and focused way that doesn't meander and make me wonder what exactly I'm supposed to be reading.

Throughout the bulk of this chapter I was constantly being hit with scenes of the kids playing and doing kid things, over and over to the point of monotony. You kept jumping from scene to scene without giving me a moment to stop and comprehend anything. Then there was all the characters who get mentioned once and disappear, without even an inkling as to who they are exactly. The whole thing is very unfocused, and really could be shortened a lot.

If I were you, once I do the rewrites (because EVERY writer needs rewrites, believe me) I would start the story once the children are already at the beach. With this stable setting you can introduce them, give us an idea that they're living an idyllic carefree child's life, and generally give us the feeling I know you want to accomplish without making us wade through unnecessary text to get it. On the other hand, if you need the opening scenes for something (such as those minor characters becoming important later) then I'd still work on removing all unnecessary bits and making those characters a bit more defined.

I hope you consider my advice, because your chapter's ending has me hooked. I just worry that a lot of readers would stop reading before reaching that hook and never get into the story you want to tell. PM me if you want to discuss anything, and good luck!

thanks, that's a really good point. I'll work on it!

Your updated version is much better than the other one. It catches the readers attention immediately, and makes it almost impossible to stop reading until the end. Good job! You do have a few grammar issues, but that is natural.

CaitlinGrant wrote:I know now would cause us nightmares for years to come.

The word "would" is not in the right tense for the rest of the this sentence. Use "will" instead.

CaitlinGrant wrote: Liz’s mom, Mary, and mine were watching us now while Dad and Mark went to rent a yacht so that we could go out on the water and see the reefs, so Liz and I made sand castles on the beach.

I think it might make it easier to read if you break up this sentence, it is a little bit too long.

CaitlinGrant wrote:So we subsided again, trying to make the biggest sandcastle we could before the waves knocked them down.

"Sandcastle" is singular and "them" is plural. These two words have to agree.

Mostly you just need to go through and read over it to make sure you have no grammar mistakes. A lot of your sentences could be broken up into two, though not too many of them or your writing will be choppy. I really like all your description and the way you worked it in there. Great job.
GOD bless you,
ChristsServant

I disagree Caitlin. The updated version seems to jump into the story and seemed to leave the reader dazzled and wondering where in the world they have fallen into. This might be because that I read the whole story and I clearly liked it. But, the updated version seems a bit abrupt than the last one. Saying that if a new person reads this, they will be confused about the characters and their lifestyles, personality, appearance, feelings, etc. So, I suggest you go over it again and find a good beginning for the story instead of jumping straight into Ash and Liz on the beach.

Another reason I said is, that you meantioned about the past happening of the lifestyles of Ash and Liz in the 5th chapter of this story, so, a person reading the 1st chapter now, would get confused when they reach the 3rd or 4th chapter onwards.

Please reconsider this and edit it to make it seem more of a natural flow for the start of the story.

Good luck.

Well, what can i say on this? It is rather gripping and adventures. I like it, though i don't love adventures very much!)

Considering the fact, that You write about the boy of 10 You certainly get A for so coherent exposition of your thoughts!

The only thing is wrong to my mind is a great amount of linking words, like so, and.

Looking forward to reading the further story from You!

Hello!
I came across this story last night and read it, making mental notes about some things in it, and I wanted to write you a bit of constructive criticism.
The idea is pretty good. Two kids going out for a nice vacation end up getting kidnapped by what I *hope* are pirates! (Sorry. I just love pirates; if they're not really pirates, well, that's okay too.)
To the point.

Liz’s mom, Mary, and mine were watching us now while Dad and Mark went to rent a yacht so that we could go out on the water and see the reefs...

For one, I didn't quote the entire sentence because it is quite a long one; however, I see someone's already called you on it. My problem with this one is "...were watching us now..." Were indicates past tense, which is how the entire work is written. Now indicates present. All you have to do to fix it is take out the word "now."

Mary was serious, we could tell when she used Liz’s full name. So we subsided again, trying to make the biggest sandcastle we could before the waves knocked them down.

A comma is not enough to separate two full sentences. "Mary was serious" and "We could tell when she used Liz's full name" are both independent clauses (they can stand alone.) Therefore, they need a semicolon (;) between them. Secondly, "So we subsided again." Subside means "stop," but they didn't stop a first time, so "again" should probably be taken out.

When Dad and Mark returned and led us to the dock where the yacht we’d rented, I ran right on behind Liz, feeling the iron railings and running my hand across the white sides before settling down at the front of the yacht with Liz to watch the water as we sped away from land. The rush of air in my face made me feel almost like I was flying, especially since we were both sitting at the helm.

Look after the word "rented." You didn't put a verb to give the reader an idea what the boat was doing. We assume it was sitting there, docked, but you should probably say something like "...where the yacht we'd rented bobbed along with the tide" or something like that. Also, you mention that the narrator and Liz run up to the front of the craft; however, later you mention that they're sitting at the helm, though they haven't moved. The front of the ship is called the "bow," and the helm is the place where the steering wheel or control panel or what-have-you sits. So the kids are sitting at the bow, not the helm.

Liz begged, giving her mom Liz’s patented ‘I’m an angel’ look.

You've already used "beg," so consider changing "begged." "Pleaded" or something like that would be acceptable to avoid redundancy. You should also change "Liz's patented..." to "her patented..." because you made it clear already that Liz is the one begging.

Throughout this story, there is a large overuse of the word "yacht." Yes, it is a particular type of boat, so I can understand where you're coming from there, but try to replace some of them with things like "boat," "vessel," "craft," "sailboat," etc.

Liz knelt and touched the prostate animal as well

The word is "prostrate," not "prostate." The prostate is a bodily gland that men have. Prostrate describes something lying flat on the ground.

She strode purposefully towards where the edge of the boat was obscured by a mass of bodies that surrounded us.

Striding purposefully is very good imagery! Nice job with that. The problem here...well, it's not really a problem, but it's awkward. "Mass of bodies." It sort of made me think of dead bodies, and made me think, 'Hey, where'd all the dead people come from?' Because usually when "body" is used to describe a person, that person is dead. Try saying the "mass of people" or "mass of crew mates" or something signifying that the men are alive.

clinging to the crevices

That's awesome. I really like that imagery for sea life on a reef.

So...if you feel like I (along with other reviewers) have torn it apart, don't think that way. What you've got to work on now are some pretty minor changes. I would suggest you go through again with your word processor's thesaurus open, and to start, choose a few weak verbs or adjectives, look them up, and see if there's some really cool word you want to use instead.

Overall you've done a good job.
Take care,
Vanadis.

Hey, giving this a look while I wait for you to consider continuing the other project (the one with Maria and Michael).

I actually found this moving too fast. I think you should have slowed down and described her surroundings, her emotions or her backstory more. I don't really know how Ash looks like, and you could have taken some time to describe her briefly. Maybe just a sentence in which she runs her fingers through her blond, brown, black or whatever colour hair, to... brush the sand out of it or something. That would at least have given us an idea of how long or what colour her hair is.

Same goes with the part where they were kidnapped. Instead of just describing what's happening with all the action and stuff, you could write more of her emotion. Anything at all, really. Maybe something about her breath getting caught in her throat as she saw the malice in the eyes of everyone around her. More of her thoughts while all this is happening would have been great.

When Dad and Mark returned and led us to the dock where the yacht we’d rented, I ran right on behind Liz, feeling the iron railings and running my hand across the white sides before settling down at the front of the yacht with Liz to watch the water as we sped away from land.

At the beginning of that sentence, there should be a 'was' after 'rented'. Without the 'was', it'd just be an incomplete sentence.

Instinctively, I tried to suck in a breath, but the gag seemed to suffocate me, making me cough violently.

Omit the comma in between 'breath' and 'but'. Too many commas can be distracting, and in this case, it's not exactly necessary.

Your piece actually has a great basis. It's plot driven and intriguing, and it makes the reader want to know more (which is pretty darn important for a writer's story). I'm particularly relieved that you got the punctuation for the dialogue right.

I know a lot of people who just don't get that there should be a comma right before the 'he/she said' and are constantly placing periods there instead. Similarly, some people do put commas before 'he/she said', but also put commas even though there isn't a verb for speaking right after it.

And this really annoys me. Thankfully, you did it right, and you have my blessings for that.

In fact, we were plunged into something that I know now would cause us nightmares for years to come.

I think maybe it would sound better if you put- In fact, we were plunged into something that - i know now - will cause us nightmares in the years to come...

But i actually really liked this story. you should keep up the good work.