The Vampires Story Chp.5

The next morning I drove to Andrew's house to visit him. Drat, I thought, today's a Tuesday! The cool breeze began to circle around me as I held myself for warmth. The wind howled in my ears sending oak leaves around me. I could feel somethings eyes fall over me. Not something, but someone. Someone evil. I whirled around to see Steven standing next to me. "Why, hello Callie. What brings you here this fine morning?" he asked, an uncomfortable feeling swept over me as he stared at my throat.
"I was about to ask you the same thing," I choked out.
"Well, fortunately I'm here for you," he said a smile curving up his lips. I knew Steven, and I could see through his charm. And he knew it too. He gently laid a hand on my shoulder.
"No no no," I said brushing his hand away. His eyes turned a dark red and he glared at me. He grabbed my wrist and tried to shove me into his car. "Steven, let go!" I screamed. His grip tightened. I had no other choice, so I bit him. Hard. His screams pierced the air as he dropped my hand and grabbed his own.
I ran to my car and climbed inside, locking it. Steven pounded on the door. I placed my foot on the pedal and drove. I could feel his power lashing out at my car. "Steven, stop!" I yelled knowing he could here me.
Rain fell out of the sky as if from nowhere, though I knew he was the cause of this too. My car spun and hit a tree, the tree fell and slammed on the hood. "Andrew, help!" I screamed. My bones began to ache from the tree's weight. I had one choice, I had to surrender.
"Steven, I'm sorry!" I pleaded as I held up my hands in defeat. I could feel tears rolling down my cold face as I put my head in my hands.
"Wow princess, I thought you would never give up," Steven said as he appeared next to me. He flicked his hand and the rain stopped. He scooped me into his arms and carried me out of the car.
I softly began to cry as he carried me towards his house. "Oh, it's going to be okay," he cooed, stroking my hair.
Once at the house he unlocked the door carried me to the garden. "What are we doing here?" I asked as he sat me on the moist grass.
"Well Callie I think it's time you learned why I feel so strongly for you," He said clearing his throat. "Well, in this house I fell in love with a girl in this very garden. Her name was Ashley. I was a human at the time, Ashley was not. So one night she took me to this garden and laid me under that lemon tree. She bit me and made me what I am today,"
"Well, why isn't Ashley still alive?" I asked.
Steven eyes filled with tears as he finished his story, "Once the townspeople found out what we were they locked, me, Andrew, and Ashley in a burning barn. I made it but, she didn't."
"So why am I here?" I asked cocking an eyebrow.
"Well, this is a magical place. And when the sky goes black, I have surprise for you."
"Yeah, but Andrew will be here, so you can't do anything to me," I said as I laughed bitterly.
"Oh, really. He told me that he was going to be out late tonight to go to a party." he cackled then led me to his room. He bared his fangs then began to drink my blood. I felt a sharp pinch as he lowered his fangs deep into my vein. I don't know what had come over me, just that I had left my necklace at home. I knew he had controlled me, and I didn't like it.
I laid on the bed and held my throbbing shoulder. The sky was getting darker outside. "It's time," Steven said as he led me to the garden.
"Steven, is this necessary?" I asked.
"Well, I think it is. Callie, you do know that I love you right?" he said, his eyes pleading.
"I don't believe you could love me even if you tried." I barked at him.
He shook off my insult and bared his fangs. He tried to sink them into my shoulder, but I slapped him. "What are you doing?" he hissed at me.
"Standing up for myself,"
He grabbed my head and held it down. I tried to push him away but his grip was to strong. He sunk his fangs into my neck but this time I could feel him draining my blood, all of it. I lost my strength and I stumbled, I could feel myself losing balance as I fell into his arms. He punctured his arm and stuck it in my mouth. Reluctantly I bit down and began to drink. His blood tasted warm in my mouth and I could feel myself regaining power.
I felt my teeth as they sharpened into fangs. I felt my body go limp as Steven twisted my neck. And he laid me under the lemon tree, to die. I awoke later that night to feel myself being shaken. I looked up and saw a familiar face.
I couldn't remember whose face it was though. Andrew. The word tasted sweet in my mouth. I saw tears running down his pale face. I sprang up and hugged him. I planted a kiss on his lips as I showed him my fangs. "I'm so hungry!" I complained as he helped me up. He handed me a cup of blood and said, "Drink it," I tore the cup out of his hands and gulped it down nervously.
Steven walked out of the house and pushed Andrew aside, "Hey, princess. Looks like your fangs have come in," he threw his arm around me, stroking my hair gently. It was like a wolf trying to get a mate. Nudging his target gently. I looked up, surprised to see him acting so gently. "Um, Steven?" I asked curiously. "What happened to you?"
Steven smiled and planted a kiss on my lips. He stood there, long and hard. Reluctantly, he pulled off. "He's drunk," Andrew said grabbing me from Steven's grasp.
"Oh," I placed a hand on Andrew's chest and drew closer to him. I turned to look at Steven, who was laughing giddily. Steven met my eyes and smiled, he got one knee and parted his lips, "Callie, will you marry me?"

Hey! Tabitha Lillian here to review again. Once more, do not take any of this really personally I am just looking at the story and saying what I think of it. Here we go!

Ok, once again all your characters seem a little flat, I can tell you are trying to put some effort into the brothers but this Callie is just so unrealistic. She is walking with a vampire in the first section of this chapter and when he grabs her she bites him and he screams? Is he really a vampire, or is he Edward Cullen. I if I were being kidnapped by a vampire..Lets say Spike from Buffy for example, or even Angelus I would bite him and he would probably come out with some witty line and break my face for such a pathetic attempt.

And again, she is lying on a bed after being bitten by this vampire. And when he comes back in to bite her again she does not whimper in fear or beg for mercy or come out with an awesome sharp-tongued comment but asks him "Is this really necessary?" WHAT!? Was that it, this goes back to her being flat as roadkill. There is nothing about this character that keeps me worrying about her or that makes me want to read any thing more about her.

Now onto the brothers. Andrew is the kind and sensitive one. And Stephen is the evil one I believe. Well most of the reviews have said this before me, but if this Stephen is really evil then why is he wasting his time. If he wants Callie for him self why doesn't he get her in his car and drive all night and all day and get her in some place where no one will find her. And then turn her into a soulless vampire. Or if he is really bad like Angelus or Lestat then go through this girls family members one by one until she agrees to stay with him. Or even just drink her blood snap her neck and throw her battered body into his brother's garden for him to find later.

Andrew again is just a flat flat character. When he comes home to find the girl that he apparently loves lying dead and now a vampire in the garden he gives her some blood and then really says nothing more. As if he is not worried at all about her vampire-ness. He seems totally cool about it as well. Like nothing ruffles his feathers. Not even some thing as drastic as this.

And doesn't Callie's mother worry about her? I mean she seems to be gone for long periods of time and the mother seems either totally gullible or just not to care at all about her daughter. Sorry for the harsh critique but this story could have some potential if you just put a little extra effort into it.

I agree with tabithalillian completely. No matter how good your plot is, if your characters are flat they’re gonna bring the story down too. Your MC needs to show some more emotion both in description and in her speech, ESPECIALLY in her speech, because right now that’s the area you need to work most on. I love the whole vampire thing, though I’m not a fan of twilight, I like the Blade version of vampires because they had much more personality and they were more believable, when I watched the movie I actually believed in this world where vampires existed. This is what you have to do with your story and your characters. Make them realistic and believable, give them some personality. I guess I’m repeating myself.
Totally agree with the other comment too, I mean, I really think you should mention her mother because she might be able to bring some excitement to the story.
Again, I am enjoying reading this so please don’t take this personally, I just think that if you really sit down and think about your characters a little bit more, you can actually have a really great story in your hands. Do a bit of research apart from Twilight, read up on vampires and see what you can come up with. Best of luck!
*coco

Thanks for the review!