Obamacratic Win

Obamacratic Win
melvin banggollay


O-bama won the US presidential election
With landslide victory over senator Mc Cain;
A manifestation of the Americans conviction
to stand united to uphold democratic gain.

B-est election so far from this great nation
as a man was elected by a majority win
by the Americans imbued with a mission
to uphold democracy regardless of racial kin.

A-mericans had spoken their historial vision
to put their trust to a man not their own kin
believing in him, they can move as a nation
and as a people entwined with various kin

M-any nations rejoice for Obama's election
As it shows, democracy let the people win
As it upholds the people's will and conviction
of a system by the people, for the people's gain.

A-mericans showed they have a great nation
United and strong as seat of democratic plain
and as a people imbued with dynamic conviction
to act as one for their nation to always win.

Hi! I'm Mia, welcome to YWS!

OK, I wasn't sure quite what to expect when I clicked on your poem. However, I was pleasantly surprised! This is a very good poem (I can't remember the special word for it ) with a good, clear layout!

One thing: the hyphen (-) after, say, the "B" in the downwards "Obama" was unnecessary. It looked a bit odd and made the word look strange.

Apart from that, excellent job! Keep writing!

Mia x

I enjoyed it overall. I was wondering, just by the title, if it would be the rantings of one radical group or another, but I was happy to find that it was far from idealogical, and it was quite the well-written acrostic. I did love the actostic setup, a good well thought out poem is difficult to find in this style, and I applaud you for your orginality. I did think that you used the words kin and win too often, especially when you were in a rhyming scheme and you ryhmed kin to kin. You can get away with it if a repetition thing, like poe did in " The Raven" but i found it awkward in this context. OVerall though I liked it! keep writing!

I can't say I enjoyed this poem too much, but maybe that is because I voted for McCain! Either way, I have only a few nitpicks.

The first is pretty small, and may have been mentioned before, but there were several lines that you used kin several times. Rhyming kin to kin, once, is fine. But I think you did it four or five times which is excessive and annoying.

The second is kind of major, in the fact that you described America as a democracy. We are not a democracy, we are a republic. This is a common misconception that people have about our great country and it is a big deal, because it is one of the major reasons why we are such a strong nation.

Hello.
I have to say I'm a sucker for acrostic poems and Obama, so when you put the two together, well...
That's pretty fabulous. You have some slightly forced lines, and your writing is a little rambly, but I would say look at your work, eliminate the repetition and find some more effortless rhymes, and this should be in pretty good shape.
And I would say don't change the fact that America is a democracy, because in reality is is a bit of a democratic-republic, or even a representative democracy, which is a kind of republic. And most people agree that America is some sort of democracy. I don't think it's a big deal-- and it sort of warrants a political argument.
Anyways, great job and keep writing,
Empress

I agree with Empress! Obama is awesome, and it's a great idea using him in a poem like this. He's a great man and a better leader! However, the format of this is a little strange. I've never seen an acrostic poem done this way before-- usually you just have one line starting with a letter of the subject of your choice, and it tends to describe that subject. With this, you instead use the letters of his name as a base for an entire stanza. I think you should take away the letters in bold and just make it a poem about Obama, and let the starting letters be a happy coincidence. If you did do that, it couldn't take away form your poem at all.

But other than that, I really loved this! It's very well written for the most part, and it's a very different idea than you usually see. Great work!