Wire Hearts and Paper Dreams (2)

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"Trinity," Some one sang softly in my ear. "Trinity..." I smash my face into my pillow, their breathe tickling my cheek. "Come on, Tray. Wakey wakey...I made waffles!" I throw a pillow at my older brother, Cody. "God, shut up! Now I can't fall back asleep!" He just smiles, kissing me on the forehead. "Good," He says, walking out of my room. I sigh, forcing myself to crawl out from under my deliciously warm covers, to leave their comforting weight behind, leaving my pale skin open to the cruel, cold world. I repeat these moving words to Cody as I drag myself into our tiny kitchen. He just rolls his eyes and hands me the juice.

After my twenty minute routine of brushing my hair and drinking some OJ, I head out the door. As I walk to school I glare at the sidewalk. There should not be ice on you, I tell it mentally. It's just November 3rd. Why do you already have frost? The pockmarked pavement doesn't respond. "Hey!" I hear some one call from the road. I look up to see Cody in his friend Nicola's' truck. "Hey!" I shout back, waving slightly. "Good luck on auditions!" He shouts, blowing me a kiss before speeding away. I sigh, pulling my hat lower over my ears. I had completely forgotten the auditions for the school play were today.

I get to school, just in time for the bell to ring. Running to class, I slip on a puddle, uttering a squeak of surprise as my feet fly out from under me and I fall. Except, I don't fall. A strong arm is wrapped around my waist, and I look up to see a guy, the guy, standing over me. "Hey," He says in the familiarly smooth voice. I gaze in amazement at him. He looked just like I thought. The strong jaw and straight nose. His teeth are dazzling, and an unexpected dimple puckers his left cheek. Shaking myself out of my daze, I mutter a "Hi" before carefully removing myself from his tanned arms.

"I'm Vincent," He says, his eyes flickering over mine, his hand extended. "Trinity," I say slowly, carefully shaking his cold hand. "Um, I kind of need some help," He says, almost, almost looking shy. "Me and my brother just joined here, and I need to know where...Mr. James Carmine's room is." He says, taking a piece of folded paper from his back pocket. I nod, just now noticing the tall figure behind Vincent. He has on tattered jeans, and an over sized hoodie, his silvery hair hiding his face- I jump, recognizing him as the creep at the crosswalk. "U-um, yea," I stutter, already turning away. "It's just over here."

I walk them to my homeroom, apparently our homeroom, blushing as everyone looks up when we walk in. "Mr. Carmine, these are the new students." Mr. Carmine nods, and I take my regular seat in the front row, relived to be out of the spotlight, ironically enough. "Boys, would you please introduce yourselves?" He asks, sitting on the top of his desk. The other boy steps back as Vincent stands in front of the class. He smiles, his grey eyes resting on mine. "I'm Vincent Tadahiro. I'm 17, I just moved here from California. And this is my brother, Sebastian." At this point Vincent steps back, letting Sebastian have center stage. "Mr. Tadahiro, your hood, please?" Mr. C asks pleasantly, nodding at Vincent in approval. Sebastian slowly pulls down his hood, and musses his hair a bit. He's pale, pale as paper, and his golden eyes stare at his scuffed up Doc Marten's. "I-I'm Sebastian Tadahi-" "You'll have to speak up," Mr.C informs him , and I know he's right. I can barely hear Sebastian, and he's standing three feet in front of me. His faint blush deepens, and by the way his fingers are twitching, I can tell he wants his hood back on.

"I'm Sebastian Tadahiro. I'm 17 and I just moved here from California. " He blushes even more, glancing at Mr.Carmine uncertainty. Mr. C just nods and smiles, motioning towards the desk next to mine. Sebastian practically dives into his seat, pulling his hood back over his head and letting himself sink down in the chair. Vincent sits behind me, making my back go stiff. He's nice and cute, sure, but in a way I almost don't feel safe with him behind me. I feel like, well, like he's looking over my shoulder or analyzing my posture. I feel the hairs on my neck rise as I tell myself to stop being so paranoid.

By the time the lunch bell rings, I'm ready to go home. I've skipped before, but... I shake off my longing for a warm bed and make my way over to the vending machines. Once I have my regular Sierra Mist in hand, I sit down at the closest, and emptiest table I see. I sit, watching people eat and talk and laugh, watching their expressions turn from happy to horrified to amused. I look up as a navy blue Lichtenstein t-shirt blocks my view. I smile, seeing Vincent, king sized slushy in hand. "Can I sit here?" He asks, already pulling out a chair. Sebastian pulls the out the chair next to him, startling me. I hadn't even seen him. I guess you just have to look, I think, feeling quite ponderous. "So..." Vincent says, leaving the question open. "Do you like it here?" I ask, sipping my pop. He nods, looking thoughtful. "Colorado sure is different from California." He smiles, slurping sugary red ice through a straw. "Sebastian?" I ask, turning to him. Although he doesn't move, he answers. "It's cold." I smile awkwardly, relived when the bell rings again, signalling our ten minutes of feeding time are over.
Last edited by xX_white_shadow_Xx on Sun Nov 08, 2009 5:27 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Is he dancing with a little boy in spandex?!

~Papa Doorbell




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My corrections are the bold, black words. This is going to be a little short because I don't have too much time on my hands.
Note: I'm only going to repeat some things once. Unless it's a punctuation mistake. For example, new paragraph when someone new is speaking.


xX_white_shadow_Xx wrote:"Trinity," Some one You can join the words "some" and "one". sang softly in my ear. "Trinity..." I smash my face into my pillow, their breathe tickling my cheek. To me, this sentence doesn't make a lot of sense. I understand she would smash her face against the pillow because of his breath, but the way you worded it is a little awkward to me. "Come on, Tray. Wakey wakey...I made waffles!" I throw a pillow at my older brother, Cody. New paragraph when a new person is speaking. "God, shut up! Now I can't fall back asleep!" He just smiles, kissing me on the forehead. "Good," He says, walking out of my room. I sigh, forcing myself to crawl out from under my deliciously warm covers, to leave their comforting weight behind, leaving my pale skin open to the cruel, cold world. I repeat these moving words to Cody as I drag myself into out tiny kitchen. He just rolls his eyes and hands my the juice.

After my twenty minute routine of brushing my hair and drinking some OJ, I head out the door. As I walk to school I glare at the sidewalk. There should not be ice on you, I tell it mentally. It's just November 3rd. Why do you already have frost? The pockmarked pavement doesn't respond. "Hey!" I hear some one call from the road. I look up to see Cody in his friend Nicola's' truck. "Hey!" I shout back, waving slightly. "Good luck on auditions!" He shouts, blowing me a kiss before speeding away. I sigh, pulling my hat lower over my ears. I had completely forgotten the auditions for the school play were today.

I get to school, just in time for the bell to ring. Running to class, I slip on a puddle, uttering a squeak of surprise as my feet fly out from under me and I fall. Except, I don't fall. A strong arm is wrapped around my waist, and I look up to see a guy, the guy, standing over me. New paragraph because he's talking. "Hey," He says in the familiarly smooth voice. I gaze in amazement at him. He looked just like I thought. The strong jaw and straight nose. His teeth are dazzling, and an unexpected dimple puckers his left cheek. Shaking myself out of my daze, I mutter a "Hi" before carefully removing myself from his tanned arms.

"I'm Vincent," He says, his eyes flickering over mine, his hand extended. New paragraph. "Trinity," I say slowly, carefully shaking his cold hand. "Um, I kind of need some help," He says, almost, almost looking shy. "Me and my brother just joined here, and I need to know where...Mr. James Carmine's room is." He says, taking a piece of folded paper from his back pocket. I nod, just now noticing the tall figure behind Vincent. He has on tattered jeans, and an over sized hoodie, his silvery hair hiding his face- I jump, recognizing him as the creep at the crosswalk. "U-um, yea," I stutter, already turning away. "It's just over here."

I walk them to my homeroom, apparently our homeroom, blushing as everyone looks up when we walk in. See two paragraphs above for suggestion."Mr. Carmine, these are the new students." Mr. Carmine nods, and I take my regular seat in the front row, relived to be out of the spotlight, ironically enough. "Boys, would you please introduce yourselves?" He asks, sitting on the top of his desk. The other boy steps back as Vincent stands in front of the class. He smiles, his grey eyes resting on mine. "I'm Vincent Tadahiro. I'm 17, I just moved here from California. And this is my brother, Sebastian." At this point Vincent steps back, letting Sebastian have center stage. "Mr. Tadahiro, your hood, please?" Mr. C asks pleasantly, nodding at Vincent in approval. Sebastian slowly pulls down his hood, and musses his hair a bit. He's pale, pale as paper, and his golden eyes stare at his scuffed up Doc Marten's. "I-I'm Sebastian Tadahi-" "You'll have to speak up," Mr.C informs him , and I know he's right. I can barely hear Sebastian, and he's standing three feet in front of me. His faint blush deepens, and by the way his fingers are twitching, I can tell he wants his hood back on.

"I'm Sebastian Tadahiro. I'm 17 and I just moved here from California. " He blushes even more, glancing at Mr.Carmine uncertainty. Mr. C just nods and smiles, motioning towards the desk next to mine. Sebastian practically dives into his seat, pulling his hood back over his head and letting himself sink down in the chair. Vincent sits behind me, making my back go stiff. He's nice and cute, sure, but in a way I almost don't feel safe with him behind me. I feel like, well, like he's looking over my shoulder or analyzing my posture. I feel the hairs on my neck rise as I tell myself to stop being so paranoid.

By the time the lunch bell rings, I'm ready to go home. I've skipped before, but... I shake off my longing for a warm bed and make my way over to the vending machines. Once I have my regular Sierra Mist in hand, I sit down at the closest, and emptiest table I see. I sit, watching people eat and talk and laugh, watching their expressions turn from happy to horrified to amused. I look up as a navy blue Lichtenstein t-shirt blocks my view. I smile, seeing Vincent, king sized slushy in hand. "Can I sit here?" He asks, already pulling out a chair. Sebastian pulls the out the chair next to him, startling me. I hadn't even seen him. I guess you just have to look, I think, feeling quite ponderous. "So..." Vincent says, leaving the question open. "Do you like it here?" I ask, sipping my pop. He nods, looking thoughtful. "Colorado sure is different from California." He smiles, slurping sugary red ice through a straw. "Sebastian?" I ask, turning to him. Although he doesn't move, he answers. "It's cold." I smile awkwardly, relived when the bell rings again, signalling our ten minutes of feeding time are over.


Okay. So, I like your story. It's a good idea. You need to work on making new paragraphs for every new idea. You might want to add a little more detail in your setting or in personalities, too. Overall, it's a really good start.
"All I want is to be loved."

This quote isn't from a romance novel or a couple breaking up. It isn't about a girl desperately wanting to find love or a promiscuous boy finally breaking down. No, this is from a much sadder story. It's an eighteen year-old boy crying about his mother.




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Hey again! I really enjoyed this chapter it was well thought out.

I repeat these moving words to Cody as I drag myself into out tiny kitchen.
I think the word should be our.

There were a few other errors like this, but I can't seem to find them. Overall I'm extremely interested in where this story is going! Your characters are the kind I want to learn more about! You have a wonderful way of capturing a picture in words.

Very nice! :D

**MO**
If I can impact one person, just one, with my writing before I die, then I've lived a great life




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Thanks! I could only find two mistakes like that, so I fixed them.

Thanks again!
Nutty
Is he dancing with a little boy in spandex?!

~Papa Doorbell



Sometimes wisdom came from strange places, even from giant teenaged goldfish.
— Rick Riordan, The Mark of Athena