Hills of Roses - 1

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Well,, here's chapter 1 to my new story, Hills of Roses. If you can suggest a better title, by all means go right ahead. This story will be based in Ireland 99% of the time, it's a love story obviously, and yeah. Read on to properly understand or read the intro I've posted previously.
Now,, enjoy! Apologies for I am terrible at beginning a story, and it WILL be short.

"C'mooon, Keer, just... one... moredrink." Kiersten's best friend Caity, insisted, her words slurring as her electric pink lips spread across her even -pinker- face, "for meee?"
Kiersten simply chuckled, hauling her drunk friend off the barstool and through the loud, multi-colored club. A few guys had rushed over to help the two reach their car, and even wished them a good night. She smiled, winking at one and pressing her number she conveniently had on her into his palm before starting the engine and speeding off into the night.

"I swear, Cait, this is the last time I'm letting you crash at my place, you hear me?" Kiersten snapped at her friend, who had already collapsed on the floor. Her platinum blonde hair pooled around the wood like a golden river, and her arms and legs lay limp as if she were made of jell-o. Her only response to Kiersten?
'Mmh.'
Sighing, Kiersten lay back on her own bed, letting her slender body sink into the mattress, absorbing the alcoholic smell from her clothes. She stared up to her ceiling, listening intently at her unconscious friend's breathing. It was the only sound in the room to begin with; the trees outside her window were still in the night, her mom and dad were fast asleep across the hall, and even her bed wasn't making its familiar creaking sounds from the posts at the end to her carved headboard.
She eventually stood, and made her way to the mirror across the room. Pulling her blouse over her head, she let her eyes travel back to the scar that ran up from her waist to just below her ribcage. It always brought back the most haunting of memories, that scar. At first she wore the permanent marking with pride; to the beach, at volleyball practice when the girls would only wear a sports bra and shorts, even in the shower. She had tried to give off the impression that she was tougher than all the other girls, and that any guy would fall for a girl with guts like that. The only problem was, they didn't buy it. After a year, Kiersten couldn't stand staring at it. She didn't want a mark that represented her being a suicidal freak. She didn't want to go to the beach anymore. She never stared at herself naked or even half-naked in the mirror, knowing that she would only see that dreadful mark again and again. She didn't have guts, she was just insane.

"Kiersten, slow down. Just because we're letting you go to LA this summer doesn't mean you can automatically go around telling everyone in school," Mrs. Kavanagh said sternly, "is that clear?"
Kiersten only nodded very quickly, her heart practically bursting out of her chest. There was nothing, nothing, she'd wanted more than to go to LA with a guitar on her back and a mind full of overwhelming dreams. Ever since she was a little girl, she'd imagined herself onstage in front of millions of people, strumming her guitar and letting the notes spin out from her lips like silk.
Her legs seemed to have a mind of their own as they begun to pick up impossible speed when she reached the steps, and slammed her bedroom door behind her as she reached it and her legs skidded themselves to a stop.
"Cait, you wouldn't believe it. They finally said yes!"
"Holy crap, seriously? That's amazing!"
"I know."
"Tell me how it goes! You NEED to tell me everything. Especially what kind of meat exists over there... if you get my drift." Caity teased from the other line, the two girls giggling at one another.
"I've gotta go, Cait."
"Wait, so when are you leaving?"
"This weekend. I'll be gone for about 2 months. Thank God for summer, after all."
"Yeah. Don't forget to write, babe!"
"I won't."
"Promise?"
Kiersten bit her lip and smiled. "Promise."

Wayde Griffin pressed his lips to his girlfriend's cheek, smiling against the warmth of her olive skin. "So you really have to leave for 2 months?" he asked, pouting.
"I guess." Kiersten sighed, resting her head on his shoulder and closing her eyes. "I'll miss you."
"I'll miss you more." he insisted, stroking her hair gently. It was then that Kiersten jumped as something begun to ring in her purse, which was nestled between them.
"Sorry." she said, flushing pink as she answered the call to none other than her best friend, Colin.
"Hey, Colin. Um, listen. Not a great time." Kiersten apologized, her eyes peering at Wayde who was clearly quite exasperated.
As she hung up, Wayde rejected the kiss she tried to plant on his lips. She tried again and failed.
"What's the matter?"
"I wish you wouldn't hang out with that guy, Kiersten."
"Why, Wayde?" she asked skeptically. "Colin's been my friend for years. You know that."
"I don't like the way he treats you, Keer, that's all. I'm your boyfriend, not him."
"You don't think I know that?" she asked, abruptly standing up. Wayde looked up at her, hostility burning in his eyes. He couldn't pick the right words to say to her, nor could she. She just glared, her lips pulled tight and thin and her fists clenched hard enough for her knuckles to turn white. "First off, Colin knows we're going out. So man up and stop ASSUMING these things. It's making me sick!" She then began to control her rising voice, bringing it back down to somewhat normal volume, her eyes closing slowly to find the inner tranquility she knew she had. "Wayde, we do this all the time now. I'm sick of fighting. I'm sick of you telling me who I can and can't hang out with. I'm sick of how you're so jealous of every guy I talk to, even when I'm only asking about homework! It's ridiculous." she knew her voice had risen again, and she had spat the words at him like daggers.
"We do not do this all the time!" he retorted.
"Wayde! Just last week you practically shooed Colin, Tara and Caity from the lunch table. What the hell was up with that?"
"Hey," he held his hands up defensively, "they said they had to be somewhere anyway."
"Yeah. Away from YOU."
Wayde looked slightly taken aback by Kiersten's hurtful comment, and it was clear she regretted saying it in the first place. "Wayde, I'm sorry. Listen, I-"
"Kiersten, just go home. You're obviously in a bad mood and to be honest, I don't want to talk to my girlfriend if she's going to be in a bad mood. Have fun in LA. I'll see you in 2 months." he muttered, giving her a careless kiss on the cheek then leaving her to stand in the middle of the black night all alone, with only the stars to keep her company.




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OK I don't get it. I sthe whole scene with her boyfriend a flash back or what? And you jump around to much. What happened to her? How did she get to her boyfriend so quickly?? What does she look like? These are just some tips for the second Chp. I fit wasn't a flashback with her boyfriend explain, EXPLAIN EXPLAIN!!!! OK I hope you take my tips to mind. SEE YA!! CAssie!!!:))::):))::):))




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I'm here!! Lets get this party started:

You NEED to tell me everything.

Watch the capitalization, all this needs is for you to italicize this.

This weekend. I'll be gone for about 2 months

OK so the rule is if the number is less than 10 you have to spell it out, but if its more it's OK to use the numbers. :) Just a heads up!

So you really have to leave for 2 months?"

Just the number thing again :)

So man up and stop ASSUMING these things.

Just the capitalization again, you really have to watch that.

Away from YOU."

Caps :thud:

I'll see you in 2 months."

Numbers again. :)

:arrow: OK so that's all I could find. This was a really good piece and I liked it, but you really jumped around a lot. Try cutting that to a minimum.
:arrow: I like how you painted the character of her friend Cait.
:arrow: I really want some more description of the MC.
:arrow: I like how you made the boyfriend jealous. I can't wait to read more. Keep writing! PM me when you write more!

Until next time...

Tata for now!
Starleene Out!
Jhinx called me old. Rude.




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Thanks to the both of you!
I've been reading a lot of Jodi Picoult's writing lately, and I've taken off from what she does by skipping from scene to scene, one after the next in chronological order. So to answer your question, Cassie, no. The scene with her boyfriend was not a flashback. It happened the following day. Though I am sorry that wasn't clear to the both of you.
Overall, the critiquing was great! Thanks so much again!




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Okay, so I realize that the next part was just the next day, but I also had a hard time figuring that out, if you hadn't have told me in your comment I would be totally lost. So, to make it more obvious try this.

***

See, much better. Or you could do whatever you want to, but I reckon that you need to break up the scene, Okay. It was very nice, you painted a very nice picture of Cait, I can't wait to read the rest :D
Thanks to Kamas who drew my avvie


I'm lost within the magnificence of my pancakes, taken over by complete silence, only interrupted by the sound of my munching!
:smt103 :smt081




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Michael -

1) There first sentence here: "C'mooon, Keer, just... one... moredrink."; has a little tiny mistake. Either Cait is slurring her words and jumbled these two words together or just space out more and drink. 'Kay?

2) I was first (like everybody else) confused with the whole scene change. But! I understood that your MC was talking of L.A. Which made more sense of the scene.

3) What's with her scar? How did she get it? If you mentioned it in here, than I guess I better look over again. But, I'm sure...

4) I did read the introduction, however was the beginning of 1 in Ireland? I think so. (with clubs and all) The synopsis was a pretty good eye catcher. I wonder when she shall meet Aiden? Hmmm. Well, that's all I have for now.

Farewell

- Mary Ellen
Dr. Morgan: All the rest will know the news by tea time.

Miss Deborah Jenkyns: Or sooner, Dr. Morgan. This is Cranford.

- Cranford



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