a hero's heart upon deaths scyth

a stinging cold
a marching wind
and blistering snow
batter my heart and soul
slashing and tearing into my very essence
turning me into a screaming madman
every breath an agony
every thought screaming my torment
everything aroung me turning into a mist of agony and torment
pain buffeting my tired heart and soul
till i wither in pain
till i desire no more than the peace of death
but one thought binds my heart and soul
a picture forming through this blazing mist
centering my thoughts away from my agony and torment to her
the one that my heart and soul desires more than anything on earth
keeping me a part of this mortal world
giving me strength through my agony
and stilling my screaming soul
giving me a moments rest
and enough time to gather my strength
as the waves of pain come
washing through my body
tearing at my battle worn body
and butchering my spirit and will
pushing me beyond this world along to the next
yet i stay
enduring this torment
for the hope of seeing her face just one last time
long enough to tell her how i feel
as i shout my battlecry
yelling her name at the top of my lungs
yelling till my voice goes hoarse
driving back the pain and darkness
pushing my tormentor back
warming the cold
stilling the wind
and melting snow
giving my strength and will into one last shout
a cry greater than a lion pride's roar
reaching farther than any mortal shout should
pushing my torn body to its limit
all for the sake of her
the one i love
the one who gave me hope when there was none
and bound me helplessly in chains
with just her charm
the one whose beauty caused my eyes to cry
at her holy light
the mistress of my will
and my queen of light
the one who gave me passion
just so i could charm her
the one who gave hope to see one last time
the one who gave me a will
to love her with as one loves life itself
and as i struggle i see her face
blaze clear through my ming
burning into my soul
as a star might
giving me the strength to reach her
and holder in my arms as lovers might
as my lips met hers in a fury of passion
the one face that has haunted my dreams
is finally mine
the one who is
my queen of hearts

I don't have time for a full review right now, but I will say this:
Poetry is just like every other form of writing. You need to capitalize on each new sentence, and I do recommend punctuation.


-Mizzle

Hello there fell! Welcome to YWS! I would like to remind you that you must have at least four reviews per piece of writing that you submit, so please get those reviews in.

Okay, before I give you the review on the actual poem itself, let me give you a few tips. When you write a poem this long, be sure to break it up into stanzas, just so it can make it easier to read. Also, I disagree with Raining Sunshine. You should only capitalize a word when its at the beginning of a sentence. So after you write your poem, break it down into story format and add the capitals and punctuation as needed, and then put it back into poem form.

every breath an agony
every thought screaming my torment
everything around me turning into a mist of agony and torment

This is a major no no in poetry. Don't repeat something that you just said. Use different synonyms for pain. Remember that because you used the work agony more than twice in this poem. Oh, and you had a typo. I highlighted the right letter.

Other than that, it is a very lovely poem. I can really feel the characters pain. Keep it up!

If you have any questions, feel free to pm me!

Emma.

Hello,

First, I wanted to definitively contradict what RainingSunshine stated in regards to the capitalization and punctuation of poetry. Nowhere does it say that a poet must capitalize, and though punctuation generally adds to the coherency of a piece, its omission can sometimes add to the atmosphere of a poem.

Now on to the critique.

You use the word "torment" and its variants far too many times. Not only does this make for a boring poem, but it also means you can't properly express the emotion you're feeling. Instead of expounding on weak nouns like "torment", I'd consider using imagery to convey your ideas. At the moment, this poem is very heavy-handed. There is no grace, no subtlety, no quietude. You do nothing to help us experience the sorrow and torment of the narrator, because you haven't really grounded this piece yet -- it's still in the atmosphere of vague ideas, it's too raw. Instead of telling us outright what's going on, use similes, metaphors, symbolism. Don't go about poetry as a form of literary venting, but instead, go about it as if it was a piece of art. Every word contributes to the picture, so make every word meaningful.

In regards to word choice -- avoid boring words like "slashing" and "tearing" and "battle". They're not concrete enough. They don't evoke any emotions or images.

In regards to the poem itself -- though it may have been cathartic to write, it's too scrambled. It digresses from a poem about an angsty soul, to a poem about a woman. Narrow your focus. Neatly separate your ideas. Include references to a woman throughout the poem, instead of only the last half.

There are some good things about this. When it comes to poetry about angst, this is a more sophisticated than usual. I felt that the lack of punctuation, in this case, contributed positively to the piece. My best piece of advice for you would be to read more poetry. Go to Barnes and Noble and buy a book of poetry. Study it. Absorb it. And then use what you've learned to improve your poetry.

-Kylan

Ahh! It's been so long since I've been on here and I'm desperately trying to learn the new interface and everyone is beating me to everything I want to say before I get a chance to say it! laughs Serves me right for drifting away!

Anyway, to begin, I would like to also politely disagree with the idea the poetry always needs punctuation. It does not. Limbo by Edward Kamau Brathwaite has no punctuation. Paul Hunter is known to write poetry without any punctuation as well. And, on the other side of the spectrum, Emily Dickinson was known to include excessive(!) punctuation in her poetry where it wouldn't be traditionally included. That's the beauty of poems— they're so flexible and free.

However, that's not to say that just because you don't need to use punctuation doesn't mean you shouldn't. I actually find it's harder to write a poem without it, because then you have to direct the reader's mind on when to pause and where to linger using other tools like meter, intonation, rhythm, and line breaks. If you're not comfortable with those, punctuation is a simple, reliable friend.

At the very least, I would break this poem up into stanzas. It would make your poem less daunting to read, and it's worth reading, so do everything you can to entice the reader to do so!

Secondly, yes, you do reuse several words —torment, pain, soul— far too often. Using the same words over and over feels, to the reader, like you're beating them over the head with a blunt object. It's very... primal. And I mean that in the caveman-clubbing-his-dinner kind of way. Not very graceful. Your poem has too much going for it to be graceless. Pick up a thesaurus or, as Kylan said, use symbolism (better idea)!

This next bit I apologize for in advance. It's more of a personal pet peeve, so guard your heart.

fell wrote:slashing and tearing into my very essence

I can't tell you how many times I have heard into my very essence in amateur dramatic poetry. To me, that line is like the golden arches of fast-food chains in poetry— quick, prepackaged, production line, everywhere. I understand how dramatic it's supposed to be, but when you've read it over and over and over and over again, it kind of loses its flavor. I have faith that you could change that line to something else and still remain as powerful as you want to be, but again, this could be more personal preference than anything else.

Other than that... Kylan's pretty much said everything I wanted to say, and probably said it better than I could have! I enjoyed the second half of your poem much better than the first, and it's because you didn't recycle words as was done in the first half. If you applied all of your second-half-poem skills to the first half, your poem would be stronger for it.

And maybe a couple of stanza breaks wouldn't hurt either. wink