Into Night

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It was a warm night when i first met her. A woman with the face of an angel and blessed with the charm of one to. Her name if memory serves right was Mikhail Alexandera and she was my first introduction to a war between good and evil, night and day. A war that i never wanted a part of. She was my guide to hell.
Ch.1 Hell's Gate
My name is William Alexander Montes i was named after my father and share my name with a dead brother. I was raised as a only child in the tranquil world of Tampa, Fl and had never expirenced true evil. Yet i wanted something more to life, i craved adventure desired it, needed it, i wanted a new world, i wanted Europe.
So at the tender age of 17 with only a headstrong desire and my wits i left Tampa leaving behinde a angry mother and a confused father and made my way to the land of my dreams. It was there in a tiny pub somewhere in England i met Mikhail Alexanderia and it was there i was given a choice. A choice that would change the balance of the world and the outcome of an ancient world. To join a world of darkness and chaos or an order of light which sent the darkness and chaos back into the world of night.
But in the end i choose wrong and in the end i choose a world of darkness.




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and blessed with the charm of one too.

Too? Maybe you could just end it with 'one'.
Her name, if memory serves right, was

You need commas there.
I was raised as a only child

AN only child.
Yet i wanted something more to life, i craved adventure desired it, needed it, i wanted a new world, i wanted Europe.

Every single 'i' needs to be changed to 'I' and you need some commas around there.
There are quite a lot of grammar problems and spelling problems: you should run a spellcheck over this first, then re-post some time later. Don't be discouraged, it's a good story, you just need to edit it.
-ж-Ж-ж-




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Points 4054
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Hello, world! Okay, so this piece is hardly my style, but I'll try to say something intelligible anyways. First off, I'm no grammar nazi, but this was very bad grammar wise. Edit and spell check please. Then, this story is well-written, but already so early in the book you've gone to far into cliche territory. Battle between good and evil... angels... the fate of the world on the line... ancients... you get it. As long as your fine with this, its OK. But be aware that its not going to be the unique thing, and its definitely not going to set the world on fire.

Good job for a 1st piece, though.

Also, on this site you should try to do ~4 reviews per literary work you post. You get one freebie, though. Just keep that in mind.
Spoiler
I like people thinking that I have something so scandalous to say that I put it in spoiler tags, and I'm sorry that because of this selfish desire you were roped into reading this for not real lasting value.



I communicate much better on paper than I do when I open my mouth.
— Aaron Sorkin