Into Night

It was a warm night when i first met her. A woman with the face of an angel and blessed with the charm of one to. Her name if memory serves right was Mikhail Alexandera and she was my first introduction to a war between good and evil, night and day. A war that i never wanted a part of. She was my guide to hell.
Ch.1 Hell's Gate
My name is William Alexander Montes i was named after my father and share my name with a dead brother. I was raised as a only child in the tranquil world of Tampa, Fl and had never expirenced true evil. Yet i wanted something more to life, i craved adventure desired it needed it i wanted a new world i wanted Europe.
So at the tender age of 17 with only a headstrong desire and my wits i left Tampa leaving behinde a angry mother and a confused father and made my way to the land of my dreams. It was there in a tiny pub somewhere in England i met Mikhail Alexanderia and it was there i was given a choice. A choice that would change the balance of the world and the outcome of an ancient world. To join a world of darkness and chaos or an order of light which sent the darkness and chaos back into the world of night.
But in the end i choose wrong and in the end i choose a world of darkness.[color=#000040][/color]

Problems:

I would suggest before submitting anything, on this site or in general, to read it over several times. Your post is largely defined by grammatical/mechanical errors. Try reading Strunk & White's Guide to Style. It is a readily available book that has been a resource for many successful writers.

Also, it doesn't seem like very much or any forethought was put into this. I understand the value of just sitting down and writing, improvising; it usually isn't a good idea to submit these kinds of things for peer review, or anything really. You're narrator says that he met a woman at a pub somewhere in England. He doesn't know where, or you don't know where? Do some research to add depth to your piece.

The preface you provide and the brief chapter that follows are virtually indistinguishable as far as content goes. Your character Montes seems to be a modern, average fellow (I'm not entirely sure, there isn't enough content to determine) , even though the language he uses doesn't reflect that.

So, this chapter one tells me that your character has been introduced to another world of good and evil. It doesn't describe much, provide any foreshadowing, set a mood, or much of anything. I'm not even entirely sure what the time period is, or what the nature of the conflict is. Also, it fails to interest me in the conflict or the characters. In short, if there were more than this, this first chapter would not make me want to read the rest.

Solutions:

I suggest that you make a rough sketch of your entire concept or plot. Then, flesh out your characters. Determine their background, develop physcologies. Once you have your characters and your plot, determine what the driving conflict is that makes the elements of your plot and your characters move. After you have done this, go back and break it down into chapters and decide what you want to accomplish in each one. After that, do a rough draft of that chapter, very rough. Then go back and revise it several, several times.






x

I thought it was all right I don’t think I will read much if any more of this series if it becomes one. Not saying I wont read it because it is bad but because it doesn’t really appeal to what I like. However you should take onboard the advice given by other members of YWS. I know how it feels but don’t let it discourage you we all know how it feels. I always think of it as nothing can get any worse it can only improve. That is so long as you listen to other people’s advice. Just keep writing and don’t get discouraged.

All the best.