What REALLY Happens In Middle School Ch.1

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Sorry this is so freaking long! Hopefully you'll like it! ENJOY!

Chapter 1: Dream girl

I was in a perfectly square room with light blue walls. The carpet was yellow with brown polka dots. A bed was in the middle of a wall and a desk sat near it. It wasn't much of a familiar place, but it seemed like I'd been here before...

There was a girl leaning against the wall with her arms crossed. She had blond hair, with brown streaks here and there. She was staring at me, smiling. I couldn’t figure out who she was, and, like in most dreams, her face was blurred.

“Should we start studying?” I asked.

“Oh, yeah, I guess we should,” said the girl.

She uncrossed her arms and got up from leaning against the wall. She then went over to her desk and pulled out a small pile of note cards that were wrapped together in a rubber band. She handed them to me.

“Here, you can look at these while I go get my bag, I left it downstairs.”

The mysterious girl then left the room. I didn’t know why, but I felt as if I knew this girl, and that I liked this girl. I took off the rubber band from the note cards and started to look at words I hardly knew the meanings of, not even trying to study them. I sighed a very satisfied sigh and smiled. I was studying with my crush! I thought. The door opened and the girl was carrying a bag that seemed like a collage of newspapers and magazines. She pulled two pencils and a packet of paper from her bag and handed a pencil to me.
“Thanks,” I said sheepishly.

“No problem. Hey, did you bring your study guide for the test?” She asked me.

“Yeah, let me get it.” I said, walking towards my backpack.

I pulled out a packet of papers that was exactly like the girls’ copy. Then, we sat on her bed and started to study. All of a sudden, a loud, annoying, beeping sound was in the background.

BEEP, BEEP, BEEP!

My mother’s voice was then in the background, too.

“WARREN, WAKE UP!”

My eyes fluttered open and I was staring at my blank ceiling. I sighed. I knew that it was only a dream, but it was a good dream. Forget it, I thought. Don’t get distracted about a dream girl that doesn’t exist. I turned off my alarm clock and had a sip of water. I then went over to my radio and blasted some rock n’ roll. That woke me up a bit. I walked to a chair and grabbed the clothing I had laid out the night before. I pulled on my shirt and pants, and then walked out the door into the bathroom. I brushed my teeth and hair, and looked in a mirror. My dark brown hair was still a little messy, but it always is. I had a few pimples scattered across my face (which I was very dissatisfied with). My gray-blue eyes still had that tired look to them, and I had a chunk of sand in each eye. I wiped the sand out and walked downstairs. There was a smell of toast and bacon in the air. I licked my chops and went into the kitchen. My older sister, Catherine, although she likes to be called Cat, was leaning back in her chair, reading a collection of Shakespeare plays and a plate full of crumbs in front of her. She had short, red dyed, and spiky hair and was also wearing a punk t-shirt that always reminded me of a pirate shirt with the way the short sleeves were triangularly cut off. It had a picture of a heavy metal band, but to me it was a picture of a bunch of people with mo-hawks and spiky hair with instruments. Cat was also wearing shorts with black tights underneath.

Mom always let’s her do what she wants I thought, with a conversation that I had a few months ago with Mom coming into mind.

I allow her to dress like that and go out because she’s going through a tough age with puberty and there’s a lot more drama in her life now, My mom had said, Plus, I read in a magazine that teenage girls and mothers have lots of fights than when the daughter was a child, so it’s better if she can express her feelings without me getting in the way.

But I’m going through a tough stage with puberty, too! I had said.

Yes, but are you expressing good feelings by killing zombies? She had said.

ALIENS! I had said.

Oh, whatever, I still am not buying you a game that is rated for adults, She had said.

It’s rated M for mature people! I’m mature! And, you don’t have to buy it; I could save up money to buy it!

I’m not allowing you to play it, maybe when you’re older I will. End of discussion.

I’d hated it when she said end of discussion. I always felt like I was being told to shut up.

My little brother, Brian, was still eating his Cocoa Puffs. He had on a shirt with turtles on it and stained jeans. His orange-brown hair was still messy, and he had a big, light brown milk moustache from the milk in the Cocoa Puffs.

“Good morning Warren!” My mom said, handing me a plate with toast and bacon on it.

“Thanks, Mom, Dad already left for work?” I asked in a deeper voice than usual.

“Yes, he has a lot of catching up to do.” She said.

I was a little disappointed, and I think my mom could tell.

“It’s a big day for all of you! First day of first grade for Brian, first day of middle school for Warren, and first day of high school for Cather - Cat!” Mom said, making sure to call Catherine by her nickname.

Cat didn’t notice; she just kept leaning back on her chair, reading. I finished my breakfast quickly. I wanted to break a record in Space Invaders on the computer. When I was finished with breakfast, I went to the computer and went to a website with a bunch of games. I searched “Space Invaders” and clicked the game. After playing for about fifteen minutes my mom said it was time to go to school. I got my backpack and shoes on, said my goodbyes to Brian and my mom, then left.

Outside was a foggy morning with the smell of dew and flowers. My sister’s bus stop was across the street from mine, so we could talk before we got on the bus.

“Hi, Cat!” I said.

“Hey, Warrior!” She said.

Warrior was the nickname she liked to call me.

When we got to our bus stops we started a conversation about school, and what we think will happen. After a while, some teenagers came to my sister’s bus stop, and I could see her blush through all of that black make-up. When her bus came, I waved to her, and she ignored me, I guess trying to pretend she didn’t know who I was. When her bus left, a few kids came to my bus stop, and then my bus came. I went to a seat and stared out of the window, still not used to waking up so early, and trying to sneak in a nap. Then I felt weight on my other side, and looked up. There was a pretty girl with blond hair and brown streaks of hair here and there. She also had a bag that had a collage of newspapers and magazines. My eyes widened and my mouth dropped. I quickly looked out the window so the girl couldn’t see my surprise.

The girl from the dream! She’s real! I thought.

“Hello, my name is Lia,” Said the girl.

I tried to hide my surprise and made my face seem normal. I then looked at Lia.

“Hi, my name is Warrior – Warren,” I said and suddenly blushed. I didn’t want to greet her saying my name was Warrior.

“Hi Warrior,” said Lia and she smiled that gorgeous smile and giggled.

“No, that’s just what my sister calls me. She has these stupid nicknames for everyone and-,” I said, wishing I never had said that my name was Warrior.

“No, it’s fine, my older brother calls me “Liar” which is because of one time in my life when I lied to him,” Lia said.

I softly laughed. Then I asked what teacher she has.

“I have Ms. Brown and Mr. Smith.”

I was very happy right then. She had the same teacher as me.

“Weird,” I said, “Those are the same teachers I have.”

Lia blushed. I made her laugh and blush on the first five minutes of knowing her. This was going well.

She finally said, “Then I guess we’ll be seeing a lot of each other.”

The bus came to a stop and we were outside a large, red-bricked, building. Everyone in the bus stood up and got out in zigzag style. When we got out, I followed Lia until we were outside Ms. Brown’s class.

A thin, light-brown skinned, lady with black, silky hair and glasses came out of the classroom and yelled over all of the noise, “Everyone, your names have been taped to your lockers and on those pieces of paper you will find your main teacher. It will be labeled with either Smith,” She pointed across the hallway that must’ve been Mr. Smith’s classroom, “Or Brown,” She pointed into her own classroom, and then retreated back into it.
I looked for my locker, and found that it was next to Lia’s locker. We both laughed and I asked, “Do you have Brown?”

“Of course I do, and I can make a bet that our desks are next to each other,” Lia said.

“How much?” I asked.

We both laughed. Then a tall, handsome boy with dark brown, longish hair came next to Lia’s locker. He was tan and wore a leather jacket. He got his bag of school supplies and smiled at Lia. He then went into Mr. Smith’s classroom. Something told me this was going to be the guy that all of the girls like. I suddenly hated this dude.

I got my bag of school supplies out of my locker, and messily gathered my books. Everything tumbled over onto the floor and Lia and I started picking up my stuff.

“Isn’t it the girl who usually does this?” Lia asked me.

“Yeah,” I replied, “But I didn’t do that on purpose.”

We giggled a little then got up. This time, I organized my things a bit better. Then Lia and I walked silently into Ms. Brown’s classroom. Lia was right; our desks were next to each other. We kept the laughter in and smiled at each other.

When everyone had organized their things in their desks and settled down, Ms. Brown spoke.

“OK, class, settle down, settle down,” She said, “I hope everyone has a lot of energy because we have a big day ahead of us!”



copyright Nov. 4 2009 maegardens
Last edited by maegardens on Sat Apr 23, 2011 3:44 am, edited 4 times in total.
I'd rather be hated for who I am than loved for who I'm not
-Kurt Cobain




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This is good, I really liked it. I spotted a few common errors here and there. Just a few, but make sure you double check your work. I'll remember to keep an eye out for part two. Remember to pace your story. Don't make anything to rushed or to pushed together. Got it? Okay, good. Well, that's all. Bye-bye!

XOXOXOXO
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Hey I'm Gen. I love romantic fiction, so this should be fun.
I'm all for nit-picky reviews, so I'm going to treat you to one of mine; here we go.

I was in a perfectly square room with light blue walls and white painted vines on them. The carpet was yellow with brown polka dots. There was a bookshelf in a corner that was right next to a dark brown desk with a matching chair with wheels on the bottom. A white dresser sat in another corner next to the brown-framed bed with a red and black bedspread. The black curtains were pulled back, showing a front yard full of colorful leaves. The room seemed very mismatched, but at the same time, everything fit together.There was a girl leaning against the wall next to the windows with her arms crossed. She had blond hair, with brown strands here and there. She was staring at me, smiling. I couldn't figure out who she was, and, like in most dreams, her face was blurred.
Okay, so this is very nice, but I'm not sure you description is smooth (it's the same all the way through), you've put what everything looks like and how it is right out there, you've given me a setting, but I feel you've done it a little abruptly. You should try to ease the description in with simplicity, big descriptions are good, but they don't need to stand out. Your description should be inconspicuous. I'm also not sure about the tense you've used, it's like it's just happened, and not happening as you read it, it's correct, but it makes me feel a little off-put, but I do like the way you've eased in the fact it's a dream. I also think that I should feel like I'm the MC, not that the MC is telling me what happened. Oh, and also, you should say she has brown streaks here and there.


When we got to our bus stops we started a conversation about school, and what we think will happen. After a while, some teenagers came to Cat’s
should be Cats-no apostrophe
bus stop, and I could see her blush through all of that black make-up. When her bus came, I waved to her, and she ignored me, I guess trying to pretend she didn’t know who I was. When her bus left, a few kids came to my bus stop, and then my bus came. I went to a seat and stared out of the window, still not used to waking up so early, and trying to sneak in a nap. Then I felt weight on my other side, and looked up. There was a pretty girl with blond hair and brown strands of hair here and there. She also had a bag that had a collage of newspapers and magazines. My eyes widened and my mouth dropped. I quickly looked out the window so the girl couldn’t see my surprise. The girl from the dream! She’s real! I thought.
I'm kind of wondering how if they were at the same bus stop one was Cats and one was his? Or are they at different bus stops? But then how does he wave to her? I'm a little confused :?

Okay, so over-all it's not very nit-picky, but I do have a few tips:
:arrow: ease your descriptions in.
:arrow: make sure you proof-read (re-read) your work-I did notice a few mistakes here and there.
:arrow: when you wrote the part where he recalls a previous conversation, you should still have put in " and " so that the reader is following easily.
:arrow: (this is just me, but) The tense is a little odd, and I know I find it hard to write in it, so maybe you should consider writing it in present tense, I wanna be the one to fall in love, not read about some extremely happy guy (even though I don't plan on falling in love with a girl, but still-I'll try anything once).
:arrow: hrmmm... I had more but I feel I have forgotten, don't forget stuff!

Okay, so now, I am officially finished writing your review (that is, after I re-read and edit etc.)
Bye for now, I hope you enjoy, continue to write this, I like it. Oh, and if you do write more, I want to read it, so PM me, Okay? I should probably stop writing now because I'm starting to babble. There was one pointer concerning your story that I forgot, but if I do remember I promise I will add it (even though its probably not that important anyways). Love it :smt003 It was very nice, like I said PM me, oh crap, now I am starting to babble, Oh no, I just cursed, bad gen, bad *whacks self*... oww... well that was stupid, anyways, bye! :|

-Sorry if it sucked :(
Thanks to Kamas who drew my avvie


I'm lost within the magnificence of my pancakes, taken over by complete silence, only interrupted by the sound of my munching!
:smt103 :smt081




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Ok just some basic critique here. First off try and stay away from "purple prose" Which is when you go too in detail with describing things that really do not need to be described. "My stormy blue eyes" for example. Also from the title "What really happens in middle school" I am assuming that these kids are either just starting middle school or are still in it. And romance stories in middle school generally bother me. Espessially that these are two apparently attractive people. Boys never are really attractive or even start to grow out of their awkward stage until the end of high school and some times even later. Try to make them seem more like they are in middle school. Cute little kid love maybe, but in middle school (if I remember correctly) never had romance like this. Seems more freshman year or some thing. Your writing style is not half bad but you do have a few kinks to work out.
-Tabitha
Living in a tower



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