Haikus (I didn't have much, so my friend donated a bit)

Hi, the titles I made for each of these haikus are what I felt when writing them
(or reading them), and I hope you enjoy them.

Twilight
The twilight comes now
The sun's bathed in golden drops
Until night takes them

Summer Breeze
The hiding sunset
The air between day and night
Beyond the oak tree

Other Worlds
The night sky runs deep
The purple black enchantment
Beyond; the stars bright

MAN
The shadows deep down
The constant change of colors
Oh! Nature of man

Nature
The whispering wind
The strong trees are wise and old
A forgotten realm

Eyes in The Sky
The eyes of the beast
The fire mingles with fairy light
Engulfing blue depth

New World
The plants grow greener
The rain clouds obscure the sky
A new world is found


A Blank Page
The sliver of moon
The turquoise sky is calling
Another blank page

Starless Night
The abyss below
The pool of water reflects;
A sky with no stars

The Mountain King
The King on a Throne
The Ants Beneath Him Minute
Power Unrivaled

I do believe you (and your friend!) deserve a round of applause!! I felt the emotion (or at least I thought I did..) when I read them! And yes I do believe I am just ego stroking but you deserve it!! I really do have a weakness for a haiku. I love your imagery and how I could practically smell where I was.

Purple Elephants nd Sugar Packets!

-Lizz

Listen people, if you have good advice for me about the haikus please post it

I won't review each and every one, but I'll go through some general feedback.

Haiku have a very limited space to be poetic, and as such, you need to think about all of your grammar, to the last comma, very carefully.

The twilight comes now.
The sun's bathed in golden drops,
until night takes them.

That's what I would personally do with this one, but have a play around, see what works, what doesn't. All your haiku share the same problems in this area. The last two lines here don't really work - you say that the sun has golden drops on it (which is a very generic image and doesn't say a whole lot, in my opinion) and then say until night takes them, but we're not led to believe that the golden drops is an image that will change, that has a time-stamp on it and so the 'until' is a bit tacked on.

I'd rewrite this one. Focus on a topic that one would relate to twilight (bats and vampires, the sun, the silhouettes in forests). Pick a tone (dark, mysterious, happy, pretty). Set up a goal - do you want us to leave feeling scared, happy? I ask you to do this as this particular poem doesn't really tell me anything. Twilight is a beautiful time, sure, but you didn't really capture that for me. There are a lot of different, innovative aspects you could draw on, show us in a different way.

The hiding sunset
The air between day and night
Beyond the oak tree

Once again, you're spending the entire poem on setting the scene. But nothing's really happening. There's not a single verb in this one (unless you count 'hiding', which I don't). Why is it hiding? What does the oak tree have to do with anything? Don't just state things if you don't have space to explain them. I really like the style you've chosen to write these in, with few adjectives, but I'm not leaving with anything.

The plants grow greener
The rain clouds obscure the sky
A new world is found

This was my favourite one. It's not perfect, but it's intriguing - a contrasting image between green plants and grey skies, and I'm left wondering how everything fits together. However, that last line is taking up valuable space. We know the poem is about a new world because the title says so. Perhaps you could clear up on the ambiguity there?

Anyway, not sure I've been of much help, but those were some thoughts I had. I certainly enjoyed reading the poems. There's some good stuff in here. But spend less time setting the scene and just throw us right in there, would be my best advice - but great work!

Best
Blinky

Ah, I love haikus. I don't see anything wrong with this (which is pretty much my excuse for the fact that I have no idea how to critique) but my favorites were Eyes in The Sky and The Mountain King. So.. yeah.