My First Dance

I am Sofia, I am thirteen-year-old and am in Eight grade.I live in a small country named Honduras, here at Honduras I am a politician daughter. My father wants to be the president of Honduras, but in three years more. Though we already started the political campaign.
As a politician daughter I have many obligations. As attending to a million and one parties and hearing the same speech one thousand times but in different places.
My story starts on Saturday, free from school but not of the duty of being a politician daughter.It's morning I have a sweet sixteen today staring at six with my mothers friends, boring as nothing else.
"Daughter, hurry, we have to make our hair done and it is already past three" my mum yelled
"mother, the party starts at six, wait a minute I would be done in a minute, besides I don't even want to go" I yelled her back, because she was the other side of the house in her room and I was just missing my shoes,and I hate to go to the beauty salon, they burn you and torture you for [i]making you look special.
I was a normal height girl, terrible big brown eyes, curly brown her, not so thin but,thin enough to look good and the voice of a five year girl, was going to use a blue dress with a trim that was not too short but it get to below my knees. My hair was going as usually curly but with an enormous bow at one side.
My mother got her hair done and her make up done. She was dazzling with her hair, arranged I was heading to torture, hearing my mothers friend talking of gossips, news, and things I wasn't interesting.
"mother, please don't make me go" I said with all hopes on a "Okay you may stay"
"Sofia, you need to go. Is part of your duty" she said in a mad voice, so I didn't persisted.
We got there I felt bad and was mad, but duty is duty. I sat presentation began even though I have known them since before I was born, And they Knew me, but this time one of my mother friend brought his son that was a year or more bigger than me. He was tall, and had beautiful green eyes. He wore a black suit and his hair was brown and well fixed on his head. But I wasn't interested on boys still. The conversation began bored, I watch my clock stroke eight, ans saw the face of Rodrigo (as that was the boys name) as bored as mine and he asked.
"so how old are you"
"thirteen, and you"
"I've just turned fifteen. what grade are you in?"
"eight and you"
And so on, the conversation keep, on music, politics, soccer, people, teachers, school and so on and then destiny stroke my door my favourite slow song was playing on the music of the party. The boy that was sitting behind us stood up and asked me to dance, no one had ever ask me to dance but I knew how to dance. " I ... I..." was the only thing that came out.
"Sorry dude, but this one is with me ,Sofia?" Rodrigo stood up and extended his hand.
"Next one, promise" I said, handing my hand towards Rodrigo.
We danced and danced, it was beautiful, we didn't notice anything but our eyes the song ended. Rodrigo danced gracefully as if he had been waiting this dance for years. And when his hands touched my hands I felt just that I was in that paradise that I have always dream for,, The other boy was already waiting me. I grab his hand and it wasn't as beautiful, I keep looking at Rodrigo as he kept looking at me, and in the middle of the song that jerk try to kiss me so I yelled at him. what could I do I felt insulted but started crying, Rodrigo stood and ask me what was wrong. I told him and he said " Wait her drink water" with a furious look.
" Rodrigo" I said
"yes"
"don't do nothing you'll regret of"
I waited not even six minutes when he came back.
" I am not regretted of anything he deserve it for trying to kiss you"

I hurried outside and saw the other boys nose bleeding.
I get inside and said between tears
"you wont do that again okay please"
" I wont" He said hugging me
"But, he shan't do that again no one should I feel a wear sensation when I saw you cry"
"Don't do that again."
" Thanks for the dance, I really enjoy it, you dance really well." Rodrigo whispered to my ear in a soft voice. It was after that that I felt as if I was sick but a kind of sickness it felt good. And you hope for that moment that there is no cure.
End

Could you post something for the rating. I just can't decide if it's good or not

My name is Sofia, I am thirteen years old and am in Eight grade, I live in a small country named Honduras, here at Honduras I am the daughter of a famous politic.

Whoa! Red flags, blinking lights, neon signs. BIGGER RED FLAGS. What is this...is this a sentence? really? It seems to me that you are pushing way to much into one sentence. Break it down. My name is Sofia and I am thirteen years old. In my hometown, Honduras, I am the daughter of a famous politic. And even still, that sounds very AA meeting. Like "My name is Sofia, and I am an alcoholic." You want to stay away from that. Far, far away.

As the daughter of a politic

Could you do me a favor and say what kind of politician her father is? It will better paint the picture for your reader. And you would use politician in this sentence, not politic.

I have many obligations

I think you should end the sentence here.

as attending to a million and one parties and hearing the same speech one thousand times but in different places.

This is worded a bit...odd. Attending the never ending parties and hearing my father voice his opinion on the same topics, but in different locations, are just some of those obligations. Maybe? Reword it a bit.

My story starts on a Saturday,

free from school but not obligation of a political daughter.

You use obligation before, try a different word here. And I think you should change this to politician's daughter.

Its morning

It's

I have a sweet sixteen today staring at six with my mothers friends, boring as nothing else.

What? it is morning and oh hey yeah my birthday and staring at six, mother's friends, boring as nothing else? This sentence doesn't make sense.

Okay, I know this is going to come out really mean to you, but I am going to end this review here. You need to go back and read this out loud. Find the mistakes there. Then look at your grammar, you have a bit of work to do there. Read other rewviews from other people on the cite to learn some of the rules to use while writing. I don't want to come off as mean to you, but you need to reread your own work and edit it yourself, and not just post it on here as it is when it flows from your mind. I hope you continue with your work. I believe that you are off to a good start, you just need to learn the rules. Good luck with your writing.

-Jayleigh

Hey! ^^ Evi here.

So, this needs a lot of work. You have a nice little love story idea going on, with tons of possibilities, but before you let your creativity explode onto paper (or the computer) you've got to learn the Way of the Word.

So.

The Way of the Word:

http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/topic44898.html

Check out this tutorial of Dialogue Punctuation. This is how you put periods and commas and capital letters and such into your conversation. For example, this:

"Sofia, you need to go is part of your duty" she said in a mad voice, so I didn't persisted.

Should be:

Sofia, you need to go. This is part of your duty," she said in a mad voice, and I didn't persist.

Things like this. You always end a sentence with quotation with some form of punctuation, remember. Can't just leave it hanging.

Run-On Sentences

You've got to punctuate eventually, dear. This:

My name is Sofia, I am thirteen years old and am in Eight grade, I live in a small country named Honduras, here at Honduras I am the daughter of a famous politic.

...is a huge run-on sentence. You can't just slap in commas and expect it to work. Instead, try:

My name is Sofia, and I am a thirteen-year-old girl in eighth grade. I live in the small country of Honduras, and here in Honduras I am the daughter of a famous politician.

You've got to use periods and those connecting words (and, but, or) to make your sentences flow.

Description

The first thing that you absolutely must do is fix these grammar issues, because otherwise it's nearly impossible to read this. And it's not bad, but you simply have to brush up on your English grammar.

After that, and you work out capitalization and punctuation, you can focus on the things that turn a short story from 'readable' into 'good', and this is the really hard part. One thing you could do here is add description, and, even better, unique, interesting description.

For example:

My mother got her hair done and her make up done.

See how you tell us this quickly and simply? Try giving us some more detail about how she had her hair and make-up done.

My mother had her hair piled into a beautiful, elaborate bun on top of her head, with a glistening crystal clip clamped securely in place. I could hardly recognize her behind her make-up, which consisted of bright pink blush and garish red lipstick, with mile-long eyelashes that made her look like her eyes were glued wide open

See how much longer, and more in-depth that is? Add your own spin, but give us more description than just, "She had her hair and make-up done." Same for Rodrigo. Describe him, his voice, the way he danced, the way he moved. Everything about him.

So, I suggest you read a bit more to get a grip on how grammar works, because its necessary you get that before you try to write a cohesive story. You've got a lot of potential for interesting stories, but just keep working at adding that description and correcting your English! ^^ PM me for anything.

~Evi