The Vampires Story Chp.4

Hi guys this is Cassie.This is a really short chapter. Sorry but you'll have to wait a little bit to find out what happens.


"What are you?" I repeated.
"I'm a vampire," Andrew said as he dragged me towards the house.
"Wow, and you expect me to believe that?" I asked.
"Andrew, we have to make her one of us now that she knows,"Steven said as a bitter smile curved up his lips.
"Wait, so does feeding mean he wanted to drink my blood?" I asked as I stepped closer to Andrew.
"Wow Princess, now you're getting it," Steven smirked.
"Oh, well if I have to become a vampire, I want Andrew to do it to me," I replied trying to sound brave.
"Oh, so you don't trust me?" Steven asked, " Smart girl."
"No." the words sounded deep and strong as they flung out of Andrew's mouth. I had never heard him like that before.
"What?" Steven turned to look at his brother as he began to smile.
"I said no. Callie doesn't have to become one of us, I trust her. And I don't want to ruin her life," Andrew snapped.
I stood between them as they started to bicker. "Guys!!! Let me decide this!" I screamed.
"Callie, it's simple. You can live your life and get old and die, or you can stay with one of us. Forever." Steven said as though he was sure I would pick him.

I looked at both of them thoughtfully and said "Andrew. I pick Andrew,"
"What?" they said together as if in shock.
"You two can talk this over, I'm going home."
"But Callie, I thought you loved me. I mean just look at me, I'm hot." Steven said as he grabbed my wrist.
"Yes you are. But you know what I've realized, that not only are you hot but you're also a jerk!" I said as I jerked out of his grasp.
"Wait Callie, take this," Andrew pulled a necklace out of is pocket and put it around my neck.
"What's this?" I asked as I observed it. It was a deep amber blue and it shone in the sun. I felt a tinge of love as I smooched him on the lips. His lips felt warm against mine and I felt as if I would never part from him. Andrew felt the same too. I could tell by the way he held me in his arms. Reluctantly he pulled off. "That necklace will protect you from Steven's spells. Don't ever take it off. Okay?" I nodded and then we climbed into the car and he took me home. I looked back at Steven and saw tears rolling down his pale face.
"You'll be mine Callie," I heard him yell, "By the end of the month, you'll be mine!"
Once in my driveway I rolled down the sleeve of my shirt and pointed to the marks I had found that morning. "Did Steven do this?" I asked.
"Yes," Andrew replied looking grim.
I opened the car door and waved goodbye. I knocked on the door and walked up to my room. Love stinks.

Hullo! I'm Sela A. Locke and I...will be your reviewer today.

First off, you're rushing everything! The entire story is telling, telling, telling. He did this, she did that, he threw her out this window (but I'll talk about the window thing later). Show more! Tell us about what these places smell like, what they look like, and what Cassie thinks about the blood-looking stains on the wall. It makes your story much more believable, and much more interesting.

Speaking of Cassie, she's really flat. She has no quirks, no funny ways she says things, no original thoughts, and nothing to make her human at all. She gets thrown out an effing second story window, sits for a second in a pool of her own blood, gets up, climbs into her car with the guy who just caused all of it, and acts like nothing happened. I don't have to have been thrown out a window to know that hitting solid concrete from two stories up is not something to sneeze at. She would've broken some amount of bones, been bleeding pretty bad, and could possibly've died--she DEFINITELY would've been in a very large amount of pain, at that point. There would've been no getting up at all, and really no coherent thoughts, either. You're making Cassie a robot! She lets the two "hot" vampires (who also don't have any characters, but I'll get to that in a while) beat the crap out of her and each other, and is somehow stupid enough not to figure out that the blood all over Andrew's face, and all the ridiculously obvious hints Steven drops, means they're vampires. What kind of ditzy idiot does that? Please, please think her out a bit. Try to put a little humanity into your main character. Please.

Andrew...is ridiculous. He's a guy, he's an undead vampire, and he cries? He cries. Unless this dude is a totally gay Lestat-type character, he's not going to cry over one ditzy girl. Even if you want to make him like Edward, all sissy and lovey and crud, he still shouldn't cry--definitely not. You need to build his character up, too, because as of now he's just as flat as a can of soda left in the sun all day. No funny accent, no weird habits or sense of humor, nothing. Again, please figure him out.

Steven is so confusing I hardly know where to start. He clearly is evil, unlike Andrew, and apparently really likes Cassie's scent/blood (Twilight, anyone?). He drinks her blood twice--so why doesn't he kill her? If he's evil, why doesn't he suck her dry and drop the body in a back alley? It doesn't make much sense, so far as I can see, unless he loves her, which he clearly doesn't. Make him real! Not human, because vampires are heartless creatures of the night, and if he's evil, he's evil. Don't dither about that.

Overall, it was really puzzling. Andrew throwing Cassie out a window needs to be way more explained, and also the story needs to be drawn out a lot more. You skip around, you tell pretty much all the time--there's no suspense, no Oh-what's-gonna-happen-next, because it already has, and you're left wondering what the heck it was. I liked the basic idea, even with the Twilight allusions and connotations, and it could be really interesting, but right now it's pretty much just a lot of jumbled dialogue and random sequences of events I just--don't--follow.

Anyway, there you have it. I'd love to read this after you revise, and see how you work Cassie out. It could be great, but it does need some work.

Good luck!

-SELA

I think you need to project a little more emotion in the dialogue through some of your characters. The conversations seem a bit boring, almost like a list; break it down with some description of movement, scenery, tone of voice, things like that.
Your MC seems a bit, I don’t know, something’s missing. I think her emotions and dialogue seem a bit unrealistic. I mean, she goes from saying she doesn’t believe their vampires, to saying she wants to decide whether she gets bitten or not. There should be some element of shock, maybe even fear, something to bring out her personality and the realness of the situation she’s in.
Anyway, good job and good luck with the rest!
*coco

This looks like a really interesting story. You have considered the plot and characters. I suspect great things.

Ok, I've read all of it the Prologue, the first chapter etc, etc. And I'm sorry to say, but I'm going to be harsh.
The Prologue was great, just what a prologue should be, just enough to give the read a snack and not the entire dinner, perfect.
The first chapter was all right, but no depth to anyone, not a soul, sorry, but no.
Second chapter, throwing her out a window, why? Couldn't Andrew have like fought Steven a little to get Callie around by the door so she could run out the door? Wouldn't that have been a little bit safer? But if you want the throwing window scene, then make it so they're on the first floor, or outside Andrew's room is a patio type thing, and from there she can shimmy down the drain pipe.
Chapter three, I would not want the guy who just threw me out the window to carry me to my car and then tell me he killed his brother, I would be screaming my head off, trying to get away from him. And why isn't the mother freaking out that her daughter is all battered and bleeding? I know the mom isn't a main character but add some meat to her bones, my mom would freak out majorly if I came home bleeding. One more thing on chap 3, so she blacks out in the middle of school, how do the brother get her to their house without anyone thiking that they kidnapped her?
Chapter four, I'm sorry it's just to rushed to pick out, there's just talking, no describing. What the heck do these guys look like besides long auburn hair and green eyes and bad attitudes? Like seriously? That's one of my pet peeves, I like to know what the character I'm reading looks like, thought not at one time.
Like: "Wow, and you expect me to believe that?" I laughed, rolling my baby blue eyes, my voice dripping with sarcasm.
Now, that makes sense, that adds to your story. Just bring out more, show us who are reading your story that there is something to this.
It's really good so far ok? Really interesting ok? But it's like a salad, and people who read books like to read a seven course meal, book.
Please don't take any of my criticism the wrong way, I only wanted to help, sorry again. Good luck!

Well Sela Locke totally stole my thunder but I totally agree. This entire story I feel like you are just telling me and not showing me. I mean every thing is painfully rushed and smushed into a small small story where it could take pages and pages to tell what you just told us in one or two. I mean one second she doesn't believe that they are vampires then she wants to become one of them? What? I thought she didn't believe them? And this character is very flat, all of them seem flat. And I can not stand the vampire diaries but I was watching part of it the other night and I seem to recall one of the vampires giving his girlfriend a necklace to protect her from his brother's spell. Hmm...and she was deciding weather or not to be with them too. It is much to similar.
Another thing that got me is how she makes this random decision to become a vampire. Really? If some one was faced with the choice of immortality at such a young age I would assume that they would think about it more. But just go with the first adorable vampire twin set that they met. I don't mean to sound rude but just some general stuff glaring out of your piece. You want to make it the best it can be and there is a lot of room for improvement.

Thanks for the review!