katy lost her virginity yesterday

Okay, so this is a line-by-line critique of this story. It may get a little repetitive because of the punctuation corrections.

Flit wrote:First post!! I've done my two reviews as due, promise x

Katy lost her virginity yesterday, Period instead of comma the room is buzzing with it, Period yesterday, just after school.When quoting you should use quotation marks. No she didn’t, someone says, Period Katy’s Catholic,Period she’s always talking about God and stuffAdd a period and take out the "and" and she wouldn’t do a thing like that, not Katy. And then another voice says yes, she did, with Lucas Green, behind the P.E hall yesterday evening, Period she got seen by Anna May in the year below. Someone laughs and comments on how small Lucas’ hands are, thumb to pinkie, and how he can’t couldn't have been much fun.

And I laugh and giggle along with it comma but I can’t help but think, there’s another one gone. Could it be me next? Should it be me next? Everyone’s doing it, it seems, Period everyone except me and a few others, well, a few others and some of my friends Wouldn't her friends count as "a few others"?, Period and if everyone’s doing it comma does that mean I should too?

It seems to me there’s this point, right, this line, Period and when you’re behind this line all you hear is STD’s no apostrophe, teenage pregnancy, pain, abortion, Period you don’t want to have an abortion comma do you, Period no, you don’t, so don’t do it, semi-colon not until you’re ready. But then once you’ve crossed the line, and I’ve crossed the line I think I think it would flow better if you move "I think" in between "and" and "I've", suddenly the topic cartwheels over and all you see is the other side Period and it’s strange and exciting, like if you could see the other side of the moon. The moon we see has that surprised face on it, like he’s thinking, no, really, night already? But the other side is probably pouting, I think. And I still don’t know if I’m ready or what ready is or when and how you know you’re ready. I wish there was this traffic light in your head, right, and while you aren’t ready it stays red. Then when you are suddenly it goes amber and you know to hop off to the chemist's sharpish, Period and then it goes green and off you go, brave new world, new frontier.

But then which boy question mark and how do I know if it’ll last question mark and how do I know I won’t regret it after and how do you broach that sort of topic without seeming like that slag in 10Y with the orange face and white lips? Should it be spontaneous or should it be planned Question mark and should you be in love or it is better for it to be a fling? Just in, out comma and off you go again, Period the same as before, only you know now what the hell that nurse is add "going" on about when she says it feels special, feels good. I mean, come on, right, question mark eating chocolate feels good but I don’t think I’d get all dressed up to go to the corner shop, it’s got to be better than that, right?

My friend leans over and whispers something about how Katy has already lost her virginity three times and someone should explain to her it’s not renewable, Period and I say ha, that’s funny, and how thick must she be. And my friend says, I know, right? Lucas Green is totally gross and the only guy getting near me with a condom has got to be Edward Cullen or someone of the sort. I say you need some sort of formal introduction for what she says. you do realise that Edward Cullen is a fictional character and that he’s a vampire anyway so you’d probably die Period and she just grins and says, yeah, but it’d be worth it, right,she's asking a question, right? and I say no because I’d rather have Heathcliffe. He’s more passionate. My friend laughs and I can tell she doesn’t even have a clue who Heathcliffe is.

And then in French Lucas Green is sat I think you might want to replace "sat" with "sitting" two people across from me and he’s snickering to his friend about what a slut Katy is and how she’d been all over him Period. Take away the "and" right here and how she wasn’t even that good but hey, it adds to the scoreboard, right? And his friend says, yeah, and has she found out about that girl from that other school Period you know comma the ginger one with the huge tits and Lucas laughs and says no, he’s not an idiot. And a flicker of disgust crosses my face and I quietly decide that whoever it turns out to be he’s not going to be Lucas Green and it’s not going to be Lucas Green’s friend.(This is just an opinion) I feel it would sound a little better if you said "or Lucas Green's friend" rather than "and it's not going to be Lucas Green's friend".

And I suddenly remember that time when I’d left my P.E kit at home and I’d gone round the whole year asking for one to borrow and the only person who offered to lend me theirs was Katy. And I remembered Katy when she started school and had those long comma straggly pigtails and a huge backpack and a lord of the rings book stuck together with two rolls of selotape under her nose,Period and suddenly I feel sick. I put my hand up and say, please misscomma can I go to the toilet,she's asking a question, so there should be a question mark. and she’s a biology teacher so she says yes and out I go.

Someone is crying in the otherwise empty toiletsPeriod and it’s Katy comma and she’s sitting on the window seatcomma and looking out through the frosted glass,Period her breath add an "is" clouding it up and her nose smudging the condensation. Her hair is a mess and she hasn’t got any makeup on. I say hey Katy are you alright andI feel it might sound better if instead of "and" use the words "even though" she obviously isn’t[ b]Period[/b] and she shakes her head. What’s up? I ask, and she just cries even harder. I don’t know her well comma but I know you’re supposed to comfort people so I go over to her and give her a hug. She grabs my arms and cries into my shoulder and I feel even sicker.

Everyone’s talking about it, she says, and people are whispering about me and it’s so immature and it didn’t mean anything and I hadn’t even wanted to there are way too many "and"s in this sentence. You might want to find a way to take out a few of those, Period Lucas made me I would add an exclamation mark here to add emphasis and it was horrid and I want to curl up and die. And I say, no you don’t, Katy. And she says she was drunk and she would said no and what if she’s pregnant and what will she do and I say well you can get a pill, right? Again, way too many "and"s. And she sniffs and says she’s scared, and I said, don’t be, it was really unlucky but it happens all the timePeriod and what you need to do is you need to slap Lucas Green across the face and then you need to tell everyone what he did so that he doesn’t get near anyone else again. And she cries a bit more then she wipes her eyes with her hands and swings her legs roundPeriod and smiles sadly at me,No comma with red splodges over her naked face. And then she tells me that she’d done it before with this boy she met in Majorca and how she’d loved him and how it had been perfect. And then she said Lucas had a tiny dick and she’d have had more fun sitting on her finger. And I laugh and she laughs and we walk back to class.

And so I was thinking, back in French, I was thinking about what Katy said Period and how she'd loved that guy in Majorca and how it had been perfect,Period and I thought that's what I want, I want it to be like that. I don't want Lucas Green behind the P.E hall and I don't want some nameless stranger with beer breath and I don't want to just do it because everyone is,Period because maybe everyone else has fallen in love before me. Or maybe everyone else has made a huge mistake they regret.

I smiled a bit when I saw Katy smack Lucas Green around the head after school.

It's all around me, people doing it and people talking about it and people comparing it,Period and I still feel the pressures and I still listen to conversations whichI think "that" would be a better word than "which". This is only my opinion. I can't join in with Period and I still feel a bit like I'm leaving it too late and I'm missing out. But I think the red light is still on in my head. At least for now anyway.

Overall, I love the story. You need to improve on your punctuation and grammar, but it's not bad.
PM me if you have questions.

First of I'm going to have to five Poison props (yep, just said that) for doing such a detailed grammatical review. Nice job Poison, people like you make YWS better for everyone. Anyway...

I basically thought the story was amazing. Please don't change it. The way I read it, I could hear this girl's voice perfectly and it was so totally utterly real. I liked the fact it didn't have dialouge, too. It made it interesting and was one of the most unique pieces I've read on here. Congrats! So basically, I'll be looking forward to more of your writings and if I can try and go through details. But as for this piece, there's really nothing I want to touch on about it.

I must say that I really liked this story. I felt like I could relate to it, a lot. I love the way you wrote it, I mean the absense of dialogue but not really. That is how people think and tell stories to other people. I mean we don't use quotation marks and things like that in our daily conversations. I think that is what made it flow really well, you were just telling it in a sort of organized train of thought way. I mean everything can be edited more even after it's finished so I would just keep this and keep coming back to it and see what else you can turn it into. But I mean, this is good, really good.

This is a great story. My main complaint is that it just ended. There should be more to it. have it last a little longer or something. Maybe several days instead of just one to give you a chance to add more steam to the story.
Also, I liked how you formed your first paragraph. The lack of quotation marks gives that real feeling. It makes it easier to picture the scene instead of having to make several characters that are pointless to the rest of the story.
Overall I think this is a great story. It needs some editing as far as grammar and punctuation goes, but it's a great start. I would love to read this again if/when you edit it. PM me if you need any help. I would be more than happy to give you some ideas
EC

Flit, this is superb. Powerful voice, good use of stream-of-consciousness, and some sharp ideas - I particularly liked the traffic light. Start looking for appropriate markets to send this to, because you should be getting paid for this.

edit: Just a quick note to reviewers who picked up on the punctuation. 99% of the time it's safe to correct non-standard punctuation. This is not one of those times. The punctuation is not a mistake - it's used deliberately (and very skilfully, I thought) to create the stream-of-consciousness effect. I wouldn't touch it for fear of interfering with the flow.

The writing seems a bit rushed at times. But, over all not too bad. Kind of makes me think of my school. The kind of girl in your story is very, very rare in my school. It's scary really, the county that my school is in has the highest percentage of STDs and teen pregnancies in the state of Texas. And that's a big state! Ha, so many kids have STDs and they don't even know it yet.

I don't really think I can add to what other people have said... When I first started out, I was hesitant. I was thinking- "Uh-oh... this is kind of... iffy". But once I got into it the flow of the whole story just... fit. It's a perfect rendition of a characters actual thought process. Really, this was fantastic. Absolutely lovely. The writing style was different, obviously, but I wouldn't change a think. This piece is perfect.