The New Boy (part I I)

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The bell rang, finally. Recess.
The teacher started writing the homework on the board and then taking her belongings, shuffled out of the class.
“Geography isn’t that tough you know. Unless it is of the country you’ve never lived in.”, Esan turned back and said. His eyes looked weary, yet more beautiful than ever. He was working really hard to cover upon his stories.
Aakash, my classmate, came to me and asked me for my Hindi notebook. His work was hardly ever complete and he usually borrowed my notebook to copy down the notes.
“It is with Vigyan, then Jassy will have it and then Karan and Hanpreet will be taking it for two days. You can have it after that.” I said, smiling.
Aryan overheard us, and then whistled, saying, “Your notebooks have the highest booking in the class. Wonder if they will return them to you within this year.”
I started laughing and then Vedana joined me.
I looked at the board. The next hour was scheduled for the annual function practice. It was like a free period for the non-participants. We would just go, sit on the mats laid out for us and play some games.
With the bell, we started going downstairs to where the practice was being held. We sat down on the mats. Our friends from the other sections joined us.
“Lets play Truth and Dare.” Harak, a boy from the other section said. We all agreed, formed a circle, and sat.
Harak had a pen. He rotated it. The answer part pointed at Abhimanyu and the question part pointed at Aryan.
“Dare.” Abhimanyu chose.
Aryan gave a devilish grin and said,” Go and pull of the hair band of Ayushi.”
Abhimanyu got up and started walking towards Ayushi.
“Ayushi run! He is coming to hit you.” Aryan shouted and then roared into laughter.
Ayushi started running and Abhimanyu ran after her. He overtook her, pulled out her hairband, and then gave it back to her saying,” Sorry. ‘Was a dare.”
As Abhimanyu came and sat, Aryan said naughtily, “ How gentlemanly. First you take off a girl’s hairband and the give it back to her with a bouquet of apologies”
Abhimanyu shot Aryan a dark look.
This time the answer part pointed at Esan and Vedana was supposed to question.
“Which girl do you find the best in our school and why?” She asked, maybe hoping deep in herself that his answer was her.
“Is it necessary to answer it?” Poor Esan asked. I could understand how he felt.
“Yes” Everyone except me said.
“OK then, please don’t take it seriously, I find Agni the best girl in the class because she is polite to everyone, helps everyone out and… well, that’s it.”
“Ohhh, cool.” Aryan said.
“Ok now, let’s continue with the game.” I said before this topic got any further. But deep inside me, I felt as if this whole world was being showered with flowers and the hot temperature had been dropped by ten degrees. But outside, I looked still the same, not affected by the strong churning of emotions inside me.
We continued out the game till the function's practice ended.
As I walked into the class, even the dull oval wooden sign hanging outside our it with ‘IX A’ written on it seemed to be so bright.
That night, before sleeping, I stood in front of the mirror and looked at myself. I had black hair, brown eyes and slightly tanned skin. I was tall and slim.
“What was it that he liked in me? I am nice to everyone, but that isn’t enough.” But, I smiled. That night I had the best sleep in months.
================================
This is the second part of my story. Please comment on it. Just tell me how you like it. Reviewing is not necessary. Thank you for reading it !!!! :D
Last edited by baron.vrinda on Sun Nov 01, 2009 3:50 am, edited 1 time in total.
Enjoy every moment of your life; you never know when it might come to an end...




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HI! :)

Ok, I'm not going to correct grammatical errors mainly because I'm damn sleepy. It's past 12 and I'm just halfway through my assignments.

The one thing I found disturbing is the fact that these class 9 students seem a little immature. This I find, because I'm relating it with when we were in class 9. And the conversations need more in them, not just a few sentences.

That night I had the best sleep in months.


This sentence makes Agni a confusing character. The prev chapter gave me the feel that she is sort of satisfied in being the nerd, and now it's like she's always suffered some complex.

Okay that's all I'm gonna say now. Waiting for the next chapter.

~Lava. G'night!
~
Pretending in words was too tentative, too vulnerable, too embarrassing to let anyone know.
- Ian McEwan in Atonement

sachi: influencing others since GOD KNOWS WHEN.





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I kind of like the simplistic style and minimalism in this. It creates a nice tone and it's easy to digest.

Um, grammar-wise, you use periods in some places where they don't belong necessarily, like here:

“Ayushi, run! He is coming to hit you!” Aryan shouted and then roared into laughter.


If he's shouting, then you'd be okay in using exclamation points. Also, though this is just a personal nitpick of mine, you might want to use "okay" instead of "OK," but there's nothing wrong with the latter. (:

I'm definitely looking forward to the rest of this, though. Very good work!




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i am really sorry for calling agni a boy! :oops: but i still like your story but i don't see the fantasy twist to it and the second part was a little hard to follow.




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I had no problems with the plot of the story, but keep working on the English!
Those who dance are thought insane by those who don't hear the music.
Those who fit well into their world don't generally go about changing it.




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Hiya again! You did better with this part, as far as your poor grammar goes, haha!

This was the only part i found confusing:
But deep inside me, I felt as if this whole world was being showered with flowers and the hot temperature had been dropped by ten degrees. But outside, I looked still the same, not affected by the strong churning of emotions inside me.

You need to get rid of one of these 'buts.' Preferably the first one.

I still have no idea where you are going with this, and still cannot see the fantasy in our story. So YWS readers don't get bored or annoyed that this may not be in the right section, i suggest speeding up the fantasy part. Keep writing, though! I want to see what happens next!
~Classy




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This was good as a general story.

Would like to see what part 3 would be like.All the best
Too bad we don't live to experinece death




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Keep writing, i would love to see what happens next!



If you have a Kuzco in your life and they don't turn into a llama, bail.
— Alan SeaWright