Nighttide Chapter 1 Bad Decisions

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I merged the prologue with chapter 1. :].

Nighttide
Chapter 1
Bad Decisions


*The words almost lifted off the page as she began to read. She sat on a single bed with black and white checkered patterned sheets. She paused, turning her head away from the book and to the window on the far side of the room. Numerous screams could be heard, along with crashes reminding her of an old World War II movie. Her attention shot up as she ran over to the window, pulling it open without hesitation.


She scanned the outside as a gust of wind smacked her in the face. Collecting herself she looked outside again. People were running frantically from something coming from the west she assumed since everyone was running east. Confused she ran outside her room to the left, down a flight of stairs and jumped over the last five steps. Quickly, she took another left looking over the spotless living room. No one; Continuing to the also spotless kitchen which was empty. The only thing out of place was a note on the fridge.

"Went out to the grocery store. Be sure to find your brother if anything goes wrong. You should also clean the kitchen and living room before I get home. No excuses. I may not be back for a while. Be careful, be safe, and don’t forget to feed Blair."

-Mom

"What does this mean mom?" She said aloud. A crash made her jump. "What is going on"? She said shoving the note into her pocket. She headed out the front door only to see more people running, but from what? Her only choice was to ask someone who was running. She spotted a young man, about 6'1 with brown hair, worn out jeans, and a blue short sleeve shirt running right by her. She ran up beside him.

"Hey! What are you running from? What's going on?" She had to yell over the large crashing sounds coming from the other direction.

"I'm not sure honestly." He yelled back without looking in her direction.

"So your running and you don't know why or where to?" She was becoming tired which became obvious by her panting and the sweat gathering under her long brown hair.

"Well, when those crashes started my dad told me to just run east and keep running, not to stop for anything. I'm still not sure what is going on either." He turned his head to look at her. She looking into his dark green eyes, and couldn't turn away or even speak. It was like she was hypnotized. "I'm Drake by the way." He smiled. "Oh hi I'm-



She awoke on a pile of leaves. Her head felt like someone had just beaten it up against a brick wall. Her vision was blurry for a few moments. When she felt well enough, she sat up against what looked like a concert wall covered in vines and dusted off her dark purple tank top.

“Hey you’re awake.” A familiar voice spoke. “Here have some water.” He opened a bottle of water and placed it on her lips, and gently poured it in her mouth.

“Thank you.” She said exhaling. “What happened to me? I feel like crap.” She rubbed her forehead.

“Well you were about to introduce yourself but managed to um kind of run into a tree.” He chuckled.

“You’re kidding me, and you find that funny?”

“I’m sorry, I know I shouldn't but I can’t help it.” He said in a laughing tone.

“Well now that there are no trees to interrupt me, my name is Anya(on-ya).”

“Nice to meet you Anya.” He smiled. There was an awkward silence where the two did not look at each other. Anya broke the silence.

“So, where are we?” She said looking around.

“Under a bridge leading out of town. After you were knocked out so I picked you up and ran until a police officer stopped me and told me to head to some kind of safe zone outside the city. He also gave me this first aid backpack” He said poking at a fire with a twig. Anya has just noticed it and felt it’s warmth on her chilled skin. “So I got to the safe zone, I could see it anyway. Then an explosion destroyed the whole thing; all those people.” Sadness came across his face.

“So you brought us here? A bridge outside the city?”

“Yea”. He said as he stood up and walked outside the protection of the bridge. A veil of moonlight covered him. A bluish color oozed from his body. Anya had never seen such a beautiful shade of blue, but what did it mean? It reminded her of an aura, an emotion or feeling expressed in a color. It was all fiction of course. It soon faded as her reentered the bridges cover.

“Are you okay?” Anya said in a confused tone.

“I think I’ll be fine. This is a small bridge so I’m just worried how long it will be safe.”

“Safe from what?”

“Well be leaving in the morning. I’m not sure where we’re going but far from here.” He walked over and sat down next to Anya.

“So Drake, how old are you?”

“Eighteen as it turns out.”

“You sound like you’re not sure of that.” Anya was more curious about this guy then she should be.

“Oh sorry, my mind was on something else. I am eighteen.” He used the same twig to make shapes in the dirt.

“Well, I just turned seventeen a few months ago.” She examined the shapes while he spoke. Drake just laughed under his breath and smiled. “Something funny again?”

“I still can’t get over you running into that tree.”

“Jerk,” she said giving him a friendly push.

Soon they feel asleep on the cold dirt. Anya kept waking up at random times in the night to see Drake squirming in his sleep. Nightmares about the safe zone bombing she assumed so she didn’t wake him. When the sun rose she was awoken by Drake.

“Good morning sleepy head.”

“Oh how cliché of you.” Anya got up dusting herself off yet again. This time it didn’t all come off giving her a homely appearance. “Great my hair is going to look like a rats nest all day.” She brushed her hair with her fingers, straitening it the best she could.

“Well it’s not like you need to look good where we’re going. Besides you look fine.” Drake said while packing the first aid supplies into the backpack.

“Said the guy who hasn’t taken a second look at me since I woke up about a minute ago.”

“You looked fine then, you look fine now. Trust me.” He looked toward her, smiling. She tried not to blush as she turned around to avoid being seen.
After packing everything into the backpack, Drake and Anya proceeded to the top of the bridge.

“I’ve never left the city before, it’s so…flat.” Anya pointed out.

“Yea so much different than the city right?”

“Buildings can do that.” She said in a smart-alike tone.

“Ha-ha so funny.” They both laughed then continued to walk forward onto the seemingly endless road in front of them. Anya couldn’t help but find that last brief conversation odd. Everything about Drake was odd. He sometimes acted like her didn’t know who we was, or where he was at but put on act. She knew he was hiding something with that aura from last night, but what does blue mean? Too many questions, not enough answers. What else was new?

About four empty water bottles later, Anya spotted something in the distance. She could see the color, silver, and it was round.

“Is that a car?” She pointed out.

“I think so, I wonder if it works?” Drake said in a pessimistic tone.

“I don’t know but I guess we’ll find out.” As they got closer to the figure it became apparent it was in fact a silver car. With excitement on their faces, they ran over to the vehicle. Drake jumped into the driver’s side and Anya in the passengers, but to their dismay the car would not start.

“Crap, well I’ll get out and see what I can do.” Drake walked around to the hood and propped it open. Within seconds he closed it and reentered the car.

“That was fast.” Anya said suspiciously.

“Wow, you have really pretty eyes. What are they, hazel?”

“Yes, but your avoiding the question.”

“I’m really good with cars I guess. My dad taught me.” He looked worried. Again, with the aura but this time it was orange. She realized that she had to figure out what these auras are. Now wasn’t the time though.

“I’m sorry I didn’t mean to-

“It’s fine. Let’s just go.” Drake said cutting her off. He started the car and pulled onto the road. The car ride was awkward. Not only because of their conversation but because no cars passed them. It was almost like they were the only people left in the world. So quiet and peaceful, but it was a disturbing kind of peace.

Next
Chapter 2
The Beginning


*Edit 1- Prologue fix 1.
Last edited by Derek on Tue Nov 10, 2009 5:17 pm, edited 4 times in total.




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Hi, Derek! It's great to see you around and writing again. :D

Prologue

Just one concern. ^^

The words almost lifted off the page as she began to read. She sat on a single bed with black and white checkered patterned sheets. A simple white walled room which was covered in posters in what she called her "sanctuary". The door was open letting a cool breeze come into the room that gave her chills. She paused. Outside the window on the far side of the room she could hear numerous screams. The book fell to the ground as she ran to the opposite side of the room and threw open the window.


This is the first paragraph of your prologue, but this is the only paragraph in the prologue that really stood out to me (Which is very good, actually. Hooks are terribly hard to write, and that's the only thing I've found!)

The first paragraph here seems rushed to me. You have three separate points (italicized, underlined, and bolded within quote) smashed together into one paragraph. This is usually okay if there's some sort of reason, if they share any relation with one another and therefore must be noticed side-by-side. In this case, I don't think there is. In fact, I guess you could say we're using two different intros at the same time, haha! Descriptive scenes and action scenes. I suggest choosing to start with the screaming outside the window, get the reader's heart pumping, and allow us to follow the MC out the door into the chaos. Don't spend time on description during such a short, action-packed prologue. Rather, talk about what's going on, how the MC feels, how the people around her feel, the sounds/smells/sights, etc. You've got a firm grasp on description, so I trust you can figure it out. ;D

I can also link you to Rosey Unicorn's article "Presenting... Your Story" which, if you scroll down, mentions one-line beginnings and paragraph-long beginnings. You may or may not find it useful. I know I did!

Estimation: She spotted a young man, about 6'1 with brown hair, worn out jeans, and a blue short sleeve shirt running right by her.


I couldn't help but point out how your MC *guessed* the guy was a whopping 6'1. That extra inch is important in an estimation, I suppose? xD

Chapter 1

Haha, I love what you have here. XD I can also tell how excited you are about this story. It just *shows* how much you care about this project, and it makes me happy. ^^

Anyway! The plot looks rather wonderful. I'm actually excited about this aura thing you've got here. It's really cool. I wonder if it tells, like, their mood? I guess I'll have to wait and find out. But it's all very strange and awesomely fantasy-ish. :D

One thing I'm concerned with is Anya, and then her relationship with Drake. Let's start with Anya:

She seems to be one of those tough gals who have a mind of their own. I totally respect this 'cause, you know, girls can kick butt like that. However, there are moments when she's suddenly... not as tough as she was introduced to be. She suddenly gets nervous and such around Drake, and when it's right in the first chapter as we're introducing characters, it's dangerous to show two sides of the same personality like that. My suggestion would be keeping her tough act, and don't let her fall in love so quickly like that. Of course, maybe I got an entirely different impression! Which means you'd still have to work on her character. xD

Concerning their relationship, I suggest saving the romance hints for later in the novel. The fact that Anya is just so suddenly starting a journey with a guy gives us enough of a hint to that. ;D But we're just meeting the conflict and getting our own questions. Throwing in a love relationship at the same time is rather frightning and too much to handle for the reader. Remember, the typical reader reads for fun, not to keep the facts straight and analyze their every move. ;D

----

Like I said, your idea is fantastic. I'm really excited about what you have here! I recomment looking at your hook/prologue, and then the characters may need to be evaluated a bit more. Also, I suggest a grammar check. The Knowledge Base has some great articles, and it's much easier to search now! This definitely has potential, so definitely don't give this project up. :D

Keep writing!

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Hey there! I'm Lauren, I'll be reviewing for you today :)

I'll be taking a good look at your Prologue (because I don't have so much time :/)

It starts off well, a good hook (which, like Jabber said, are hard to write). The action/plot/events/whatever you wish to call it in the rest of the prologue is good as well. The only thing is, there are some detracting points.

1.
The book fell to the ground as she ran to the opposite side of the room and threw open the window.

This part seems almost unneeded, and kind of brings you out of the story. The same point could be conveyed in "ran to the window and threw it open" or something of the sort.

You do the same thing here (as in a few other places)
People were running frantically from something coming from the west she assumed since everyone was running east. Confused she ran outside her room to the left, down a flight of stairs and jumped over the last 5 steps. Quickly, she took another left looking over the spotless living room. No one; Continuing to the also spotless kitchen which was empty. The only thing out of place was a note on the fridge.

- italicised. I personally would not think of something coming from the west at such an alarming time. Most would probably think something more "comeing from the other side of that familiar land mark/location/building/place"
- bolded. All the "to the left"'s are unneccesary. You could shorten it to something like "ran through the house to this location" or "ran through these specific rooms to get to the kitchen".
-the C in continuing should not be capitalized as it is not the beginning of a sentence but rather the beginning of an independant clause.

Basically, you need to have faith that your reader can visualize a situation/location adequately. Leave out the info dumpy directions. You don't need them.

2.
She spotted a young man, about 6'1 with brown hair, worn out jeans, and a blue short sleeve shirt running right by her. She ran up beside him.

Woah, info dump. Also, it is very hard to imaging she was able to estimate his height so exactly (like Jabber said). Her situation does not seem to call for enough time to evaluate this guy's exact appearance.

3. This prologue leads directly into the first chapter. I would say it should actually be the first chapter. Prologues are overused in fantasy writing (That's right, just because it's fantasy doesn't mean it needs a prologue). A prologue should be used to introduce information that is vital to the beginning of a story, but it is not convenient to include all this info into the first chapter. Or it can be used as a hook when used as a sort of flash forward type thing.

Hope I managed to help in some way :)

Keep Writing!
Lauren

P.S. I may be back sometime to review the first chapter (because the prologue interested me, I just have a lack of time right now)
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Hey! Like above, I'm just going to review your prologue for now, and if you would like my advice on the first chapter let me know.
First of all, it's a great opener. There was plenty of action and plenty of subtle information - not an info-dump, more like a graceful line of swans. I really liked it.
But you already knew that, so I'm going to be pinickity and get down to grammar stuff, because that's what I do best. Mostly I'll probably just suggest stuff in bold.

People were running frantically from something coming from the west she assumed since everyone was running east.

"People were running frantically from something coming from the west, or so she assumed since everyone was running east." You could have a dash, comma or a semi-colon between "west" and "so", whatever takes your fancy.


Confused she ran outside her room to the left, down a flight of stairs and jumped over the last 5 steps.

I liked this sentence. I would just have it like this: "Confused, she ran outside her room to the left, down a flight of stairs, jumping the last five." Or something, because I think the rule is if the number is less than ten, you write the number. If it's over ten you're allowed to have it as digits.


Continuing to the also spotless kitchen which was empty.

Your phrasing in this section seemed a little odd to me, so maybe just have a little read-through and try stuff out. This one I would change to: "She continued through to the also spotless kitchen - which was equally deserted."

I'd have the note on the fridge in italics.

"What does this mean mom?" She said aloud. A crash made her jump. "What is going on"? She said shoving the note into her pocket.

I'm going to say this once, but I noticed you did it a few times. In speech, if you've got a "she said..." or "I thought" or whatever, you would have it like this: ""What does this mean, mom?" she said aloud." Actually that's a bad example, because in that situation (if it wasn't a question) it would be a comma, not a full stop and the "she" would be lower case.
Like here: "I'm not sure honestly." He yelled back without looking in her direction.
--> ""I'm not sure, honestly," he yelled back, without looking in her direction."
Be a bit more creative with your speech punctuation.

Overall, I really enjoyed it. It was snappy and interesting, and often those aren't done together. Your ending was especially abrupt, and it's a really great cliffhanger, ending midspeech!
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this was an interesting start, i like the story a lot just a few things
1. it is very short for a whole chapter
2. the part that reads "He sometimes acted like her didn’t know who we was, or where he was" should read "He sometimes acted like HE didn't Know who HE was or where he was" not "her" and "we"
beside these little parts i am very anxious to read your story.




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I think it was an interesting, creative story. Although, there are just a few things that you might need to edit.
When Anya says,
"What does this mean mom?"
Mom should be capitalized when you don't put a "my" in front of it (same goes for Dad). After that sentence when Anya says
"What is going on"?
You probably didn't mean this, but the question mark should be inside the quotation marks. Then there's this,
She looking into his dark green eyes, and couldn't turn away or even speak.
Now, this doesn't quite make sense, I suggest maybe using "She looked" instead of "She looking". Then here,
After you were knocked out so I picked you up and ran until a police officer stopped me and told me to head to some kind of safe zone outside the city.
I think you should delete the so. Also, when you said,
She brushed her hair with her fingers, striating it the best she could.
I don't quite know what striating means, but, this is just a suggestion, maybe use a more familiar word so the audience understands it.
That's about all the editing I could find, but other wise, everything is perfect. Great job!
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Wow maegardens. All those were completely by accident and typos. Yikes. Bad ones too. Thanks!




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Hey Hey! I really love this story line, its fantastic, but...I do have some nit picks:
“Hey you’re awake.” A familiar voice spoke.

Ok if you just met someone and you were suddenly and unexpecededly K.Oed by a tree would you really think that this guy was familiar? I would think that you would be kinda like "what just happened?" lol yea, well that would be me anyway. Haha
He opened a bottle of water and placed it on her lips, and gently poured it in her mouth.

Hmm was she just knocked out or did she suddenly lose her ability to use her arms? I don't know, maybe I missed that part :)
It soon faded as her reentered the bridges cover.

Haha gender-mixing. Change the "her" to a "he". I do this all the time, going with the flow :)
“I still can’t get over you running into that tree.”

I love this piece of humor you added, it really lighten ups the mood.
Anya kept waking up at random times in the night

Why was she waking up at random times? Was he a bed hogger? Were the sounds she wasn't use to?
He sometimes acted like her didn’t know who we was

Just the gender thing again. Change the "her" and "he".
with the aura but this time it was orange

Just a question people might ask...Are there other people who can see this Aura? Why can Anya see it?

This all I have, but otherwise it was really awesome. I like to tough sher character, and sometimes like JabberHut commented:
JabberHut wrote:She seems to be one of those tough gals who have a mind of their own. I totally respect this 'cause, you know, girls can kick butt like that. However, there are moments when she's suddenly... not as tough as she was introduced to be. She suddenly gets nervous and such around Drake, and when it's right in the first chapter as we're introducing characters, it's dangerous to show two sides of the same personality like that. My suggestion would be keeping her tough act, and don't let her fall in love so quickly like that. Of course, maybe I got an entirely different impression! Which means you'd still have to work on her character. xD

This is exactly what I was thinking. Sorry Jab, I ripped off your work, but you explain it so well :)
Well that's all I have so until next time...


Tata for now!
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Hey there! First off, I wanted to say that you've got a good story so far. I'd definitely be reading on if this was a random book I found in a bookstore or something. However, there were a few parts that kind of stuck out to me as either not making sense or having too much detail. I tend to be somewhat ADD when I read, so really large chunks of text describing things are not good for me. And also, I've been told that I give harsh critiques - please do not take it personally, I am just a very thorough person. Anyways, 'nuff rambling, here goes.

Derek wrote:*The words almost lifted off the page as she began to read. She sat on a single bed with black and white checkered patterned sheets. She paused, turning her head away from the book and to the window on the far side of the room. Okay, so far these first sentences seem a little choppy and discontinuous. You're trying to set up where she is, and describe her surroundings. I'd suggest tightening this up and maybe turning it into two sentences or even one, if you can do so without ruining the flow of the story. Numerous screams could be heard, along with crashes reminding her of an old World War II movie. Her attention shot up this doesn't sound right. Maybe something like, "Her attention was piqued" (although you'd want to add an adjective or find a better word, because I get the impression that she's more than just a little interested in what's going on outside.) as she ran over to the window, pulling it open without hesitation.

She scanned the outside as a gust of wind smacked her in the face. Collecting herself, she looked outside again. People were running frantically from something coming from the west, she assumed, since everyone was running east. Confused, she ran outside her room to the left, down a flight of stairs and jumped over the last five steps. Quickly, she took another left looking over the spotless living room. No one "was there"; just seems to need a little more, to really emphasize that she's looking for people; Ccontinuing to the also spotless kitchen which was empty. This is a fragmented sentence. It needs something added to the end, or it needs to be reworded The only thing out of place was a note on the fridge.

"Went out to the grocery store. Be sure to find your brother if anything goes wrong. You should also clean the kitchen and living room before I get home. No excuses. I may not be back for a while. Be careful, be safe, and don’t forget to feed Blair." Very good! I like how cryptic this message is.

-Mom

"What does this mean mom?" She 'Kay, I don't think you need to capitalize after someone's said something. I'm not 100% sure on that, though, so don't take my word for it. said aloud. A crash made her jump. "What is going on"? She said, shoving the note into her pocket. She headed out the front door only to see more people running, but from what? Her only choice was to ask someone who was running. She spotted a young man, about 6'1 I doubt someone would be able to guess a running person's height to that precision. You could say, "She spotted a young man who was very tall..." and then have her estimate his height later on, when they're not running from some impending evil or whatver. with brown hair, worn out jeans, and a blue short sleeve shirt running right by her. She ran up beside him.

"Hey! What are you running from? What's going on?" She had to yell over the large crashing sounds coming from the other direction.

"I'm not sure honestly." He yelled back without looking in her direction.

"So your're (sorry, just a pet peeve of mine) running and you don't know why or where to?" She was becoming tired which became obvious by her panting and the sweat gathering under her long brown hair.

"Well, when those crashes started my dad told me to just run east and keep running, not to stop for anything. I'm still not sure what is going on either." He turned his head to look at her. She lookinged into his dark green eyes, and couldn't turn away or even speak. It was like she was hypnotized. "I'm Drake by the way." He smiled. I'd suggest saying something along the lines of, "I'm Drake, by the way," he said, smiling at her. Just makes it that much clearer that he's the one speaking.

"Oh hi I'm-I'd turn this into another paragraph, because at first I thought Drake was still talking. I'd also add something like, "She regained her ability to speak and replied, "Oh hi..." Also, I wouldn't end it with the dialogue being cut off. Just kind of threw me when I first read it. I'd add something about her feeling something smack her head; she had to have felt something.


Chapter 1

Bad Decisions



She awoke on a pile of leaves. Her head felt like someone had just beaten it up against a brick wall. Her vision was blurry for a few moments. When she felt well enough, she sat up against what looked like a concert wall sorry, what's a concert wall? covered in vines and dusted off her dark purple tank top.

“Hey you’re awake.” A familiar voice spoke. “Here have some water.” He opened a bottle of water and placed it on her lips, and gently poured it in her mouth. There are a few spots here grammatically that don't flow.

“Thank you.” She said exhaling. “What happened to me? I feel like crap.” She rubbed her forehead.

“Well you were about to introduce yourself but managed to um kind of run into a tree.” He chuckled. Hehe I like this part!

“You’re kidding me, and you find that funny?” "You're kidding me. And you find that funny?" Seems like she's saying, "You are kidding me" statement "and you find that funny?" and then a question; doesn't flow.

“I’m sorry, I know I shouldn't but I can’t help it.” He said in a laughing tone.

“Well now that there are no trees to interrupt me, my name is Anya(on-ya).” I wouldn't add that. I think most people will be able to pronounce her name, it's not entirely unusual.

“Nice to meet you Anya.” He smiled. There was an awkward silence where the two did not look at each other. Anya broke the silence.

“So, where are we?” She said looking around.

“Under a bridge leading out of town. After you were knocked out so I picked you up and ran until a police officer stopped me and told me to head to some kind of safe zone outside the city. He also gave me this first aid backpack” He said poking at a fire with a twig. Anya has just noticed it and felt it’s warmth on her chilled skin. Nice, I like this. “So I got to the safe zone, I could see it anyway. Then an explosion destroyed the whole thing; all those people.” Sadness came across his face.

“So you brought us here? A bridge outside the city?”

“Yea”. He said as he stood up and walked outside the protection of the bridge. A veil of moonlight covered him. A bluish color oozed from his body. Anya had never seen such a beautiful shade of blue, but what did it mean? It reminded her of an aura, an emotion or feeling expressed in a color. It was all fiction of course. It soon faded as her reentered the bridges cover. Very good description now, and you've shown in a great way that he's not...human. Or something's very different about him. Definitely keeps me reading.

“Are you okay?” Anya said in a confused tone.

“I think I’ll be fine. This is a small bridge so I’m just worried how long it will be safe.”

“Safe from what?”

“Well be leaving in the morning. I’m not sure where we’re going but far from here.” He walked over and sat down next to Anya.

“So Drake, how old are you?”

“Eighteen as it turns out.”

“You sound like you’re not sure of that.” Anya was more curious about this guy then she should be.

“Oh sorry, my mind was on something else. I am eighteen.” He used the same twig to make shapes in the dirt. Again, good bit of dialogue here (about the age).

“Well, I just turned seventeen a few months ago.” She examined the shapes while he spoke. Drake just laughed under his breath and smiled. “Something funny again?”

“I still can’t get over you running into that tree.”

“Jerk,” she said giving him a friendly push. You're really good at writing the dialogue between the characters; it definitely gives them a personalized feeling and makes the reader get to know how they are.

Soon they feel I'm guessing this should be "fell" ;) asleep on the cold dirt. Anya kept waking up at random times in the night to see Drake squirming in his sleep. Nightmares about the safe zone bombing, she assumed, so she didn’t wake him. When the sun rose she was awoken by Drake.

“Good morning sleepy head.”

“Oh how cliché of you.” Anya got up dusting herself off yet again. This time it didn’t all come off giving her a homely appearance. “Great my hair is going to look like a rats nest all day.” She brushed her hair with her fingers, straitening straightening it the best she could.

“Well it’s not like you need to look good where we’re going. Besides you look fine.” Drake said while packing the first aid supplies into the backpack.

“Said the guy who hasn’t taken a second look at me since I woke up about a minute ago.”

“You looked fine then, you look fine now. Trust me.” He looked toward her, smiling. She tried not to blush as she turned around to avoid being seen.
After packing everything into the backpack, Drake and Anya proceeded to the top of the bridge.

“I’ve never left the city before, it’s so…flat.” Anya pointed out.

“Yea so much different than the city right?”

“Buildings can do that.” She said in a smart-alike I'm guessing you mean a smart-aleck tone? tone.

“Ha-ha so funny.” They both laughed then continued to walk forward onto the seemingly endless road in front of them. Anya couldn’t help but find that last brief conversation odd. Everything about Drake was odd. He sometimes acted like her didn’t know who we was, or where he was at but put on act. She knew he was hiding something with that aura from last night, but what does blue mean? Too many questions, not enough answers. What else was new?

About four empty water bottles later, Anya spotted something in the distance. She could see the color, silver, and it was round.

“Is that a car?” She pointed out.

“I think so, I wonder if it works?” Drake said in a pessimistic tone.

“I don’t know but I guess we’ll find out.” As they got closer to the figure it became apparent it was in fact a silver car. With excitement on their faces, they ran over to the vehicle. Drake jumped into the driver’s side and Anya in the passengers, but to their dismay the car would not start.

“Crap, well I’ll get out and see what I can do.” Drake walked around to the hood and propped it open. Within seconds he closed it and reentered the car.

“That was fast.” Anya said suspiciously.

“Wow, you have really pretty eyes. What are they, hazel?”

“Yes, but your avoiding the question.” 'Kay, so she can't talk when he looks at her with those amazing eyes, and she blushes when he smiles at her, and now he's giving her a straight out compliment that's just screaming, "I'm interested in you," and she accepts it calmly. Too inconsistent.

“I’m really good with cars I guess. My dad taught me.” He looked worried. Again, with the aura but this time it was orange. She realized that she had to figure out what these auras are. Now wasn’t the time though.

“I’m sorry I didn’t mean to-

“It’s fine. Let’s just go.” Drake said cutting her off. He started the car and pulled onto the road. The car ride was awkward. Not only because of their conversation but because no cars passed them. It was almost like they were the only people left in the world. So quiet and peaceful, but it was a disturbing kind of peace. Good strong ending here. Makes me want to read more!



Okay, so I'm sorry for all of the nitpicking; there were a lot of grammatical errors such as a lack of commas, which can make the sentence run on. But on the whole, again, it is a very good story and I look forward to seeing where you go with it! :D
There are two kinds of folks who sit around thinking about how to kill people:
psychopaths and mystery writers.

I'm the kind that pays better.
~Rick Castle




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Thank you all for your reviews! I have noticed a lot, and I mean it when I say a lot of grammar errors! I'm surprised that I even managed to make that many...Anyway I'll definitely post the edited version much later on when the book is finished. Thank you again! Great reviews.




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Derek wrote:Hi, sorry that this might be a pointless review but I came across this chapter just now(I'll read the rest soon), and I wanted to ask about something. So, everything else was good, and I see there's no need in nitpicking or whatever because most of that's been done already. So here's what I wanted to know:


"Went out to the grocery store. Be sure to find your brother if anything goes wrong. Something did go wrong, so why didn't she find her brother? And where was he in the first place, anyway? You should also clean the kitchen and living room before I get home. No excuses. I may not be back for a while. Be careful, be safe, and don’t forget to feed Blair." Who is Blair?

Yup. That's basically pretty much it :D


*Edit* Just read chapter two...that answered the questions. Sorry haha :smt005
Most people see what is and never what can be. - Albert Einstein



"Peace sells, but who's buying?"
— Megadeth