Zekkou 2 - Ch1

The cramped walls of the underground walkway were rusted with a dingy brown, and the decaying pipes leaked moldy water that smelled of the same mucky waste someone would dispose of down the lavatory. And if that wasn’t bad enough, it was hot, it was sticky, and the air was suffocating; each breath taken felt like the asphyxiating hands of death. The space was too confined.
Much too much.
“Keep moving” the grungy guard spat at the line of male youths.
Flickering lights flashed a washed out luminescent glow on their bleak faces. They couldn’t help but shuffle themselves along—there were after all, no signs of freedom.
Renton, one of the boys in the line, seemed a little more put together, a little more focused than the others.
His brow dripped sweet, thin strands of lavender hair clinging to his face. Wiping the liquid beads from his head, his eyes darted side to side. He was thinking— thinking of a way they could get away. He knew there was no logical way that they could escape their captors, but he couldn’t help it. Maybe it was the small space that was getting to him, but his usual composure seemed a little shattered at this point.
“Thought of anything yet?” the voice behind him called out in a hushed tone. “Hey, Renton?”
He felt a sharp pain ram his arm. Renton’s pale blue eyes revitalized as he pulled himself out of thought. “What!?”
“Did you think of anything, dumbass?”
“No, Sol… I haven’t.” Renton grimaced while looking on at his oldest friend since childhood.
Renton’s mind scattered again; he was trying to understand.
He didn’t know where they were going. He didn’t know where their parents were taken. Plus, he didn’t know where the girls were taken; he had no knowledge of where his two little sisters where. His chest cringed; the feeling of laced barbed wire wrapping around his heart feed his anxiety. He wasn’t there to look over them. He wasn’t there to keep his youngest sister, Tsuki, from crying. He couldn’t rely on Akari to do the job. Not her.
The group continued to drag along, being led by three soldiers in the front, and followed by three soldiers from the rear. They finally came to a spherical room. A nice relief from the clamped space of the tunnel, though it was still drenched in a stench.

“Alright!” roared one of the soldiers who the lead the front. “This is stop number one. I want all of you to line up against the wall and strip down your clothes. That’s right ladies, even the drawers.”
The boys gawked as their cheeks flushed tomato red.
“After which you will hand them to Mister Rolland.”
Sol’s face contorted in disgust; eyes becoming ballooned and disbelieving; his rosy lips sinking into a frown. He wasn’t happy about this. Not one bit. Not like the situation wasn’t bad enough; now he had to deal with this. He glanced around. Everyone else was undressing. They didn’t seem too bothered. He had no choice, really.
Not even a minute after, his clothes were pilled next to Rolland, the tall lanky soldier, who towered over Sol’s six foot stature.
“Okay! Form a line in front of me and Mister Levis and Hachette!” The commanding soldier screeched. “You will now be receiving a thorough visual body cavity search. So try not to piss your pants ladies.” He chuckled condescendingly, while pulling a small flashlight and latex gloves from one of his many assorted pockets.
Sol filed behind Renton and three other boys.
“This some ol’ bullshit.” Sol remarked under his breath.

This is a small portion of what will be Ch1 in an epic I'm writing. I'm a little uneasy about what I wrote. Not sure if i excecuted character introductions right, or if i'm putting enough descriptive information. Plz critique, and don't be afriad to tear it a new one. I can take it. Thanks.

Hi my name is Alfreto and I will be critiquing your work

“Keep moving.” the grungy guard spat at the line of male youths.

that was the only grammer problems I found.

I liked your writting style you had the right amount of description and a nice set of vocabulary nice job !

In this piece you only gave certain clues to whats going on like your mc is in a imprisoned but why? and he has two sisters that he obviousely cares about, but it doesn't say too much about thier past. this piece makes me wonder alot and it could be just the way you decided to start your first chapter, but be sure to include more info on the next one.

Also you can show a little more emotion. Was he scared, mad, hurt?
[quoteSol’s face contorted in disgust; eyes becoming ballooned and disbelieving; his rosy lips sinking into a frown. He wasn’t happy about this. Not one bit. Not like the situation wasn’t bad enough; now he had to deal with this.][/quote]

this part you definatly need to put more emotion to it you start out saying that he wasn't happy about the situwation, but why? put more feeling into the chapter you start to here you just need to add onto it.

I hope I helped pm if you have any questions

Hey! I'm thunder, and I'll be your critic for today.

I'll be starting with grammer nitpicks.

The group continued to drag along, being lead by three soldiers in the front, and followed by three soldiers from the rear.

"Lead" should be "led".

And...that looks like it. So in that catagory, nice work.

Now, let's focus on what you asked about.

Not sure if i excecuted character introductions right, or if i'm putting enough descriptive information.

Nitpick: Please capitalize your I's.

Um...you're concerned with not putting in enough description?

I think the level of description is a difficult area on this piece. On one hand, the description is absolutly wonderfully written. As such, it's hard for me to say this, but I think you're stepping into purple prose.

Purple prose, essentially, mean that there's too much description. It comes to a point where it begins to detract from the development of the story. So let's look at the piece.

The cramped walls of the underground walkway were rusted with a dingy brown, and the decaying pipes leaked moldy water that smelled of the same mucky waste someone would dispose of down the lavatory. And if that wasn’t bad enough, it was hot, it was sticky, and the air was suffocating; each breath taken felt like the asphyxiating hands of death. The space was too confined.

Alright...well written, absolutly. But let's look carefully and try to trim this down - as not all of it is needed.

The cramped walls of the underground walkway were rusted with a dingy brown, and the decaying pipes leaked moldy water that smelled of the same mucky waste someone would dispose of down the lavatory. And if that wasn’t bad enough, it was hot, it was sticky, and the air was suffocating; each breath taken felt like the asphyxiating hands of death. The space was too confined.

I struck the text I felt was unneeded. Now, look at that last sentence I italicized. After hearing the descriptive style, the last sentence doesn't really fit in - I'd reccomend editing it or deleting it entirely.

So here's the point: Your description is great. The only issue here is that you don't need to be quite as wordy.

Now, your other concern - the development of characters.

Indirect characterization is obviously your best bet, and you're doing this wonderfully. You've established Sol as rather timid and confused by the whole situation, and Renton as the stronger, more mature character.

One last little thing I noticed:

Plus, he didn’t know where the girls were taken; he had no knowledge of where his two little sisters where. They had split the boys and girls up.

You've established by the rest of the paragraph that the girls were split from the guys, so you don't need to say so.

Quick guess - it sounds to me like this is a portrayal of the Halocaust. The topic is a bit cliche, but the route you're going in is interesting...I like it.

But wait...why is this in fantasy fiction? Now I'm confused. Oh well.

Overall, amazing job. Trim down the description a bit, and you've got yourself a piece of work.