Shadow Flight: un-retirement chapter three: Truth

2 posts
User avatar
Gender Male
Points 4198
Reviews 30
Ok sorry for the delay my computer broke same as usual, all comments and tips very welcome and I hope I am geting better.

Note: I am going to remake the series so far when I get chance. This will most likely be in the gap between the end of Dragon Marked and the beginning of A Dark Hero. I have improved a lot since starting SF, so hopefully they will be a lot better.

Shadow flight: un-retirement

Chapter one :Briefinghttp://www.youngwriterssociety.com/post611163.html#p611163

Chapter two: Infiltarationhttp://www.youngwriterssociety.com/post616447.html#p616447

Chapter three: Truth

Chapter four: Dule http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/topic54414.html

I had been treading water for what felt like days in the small confines of my glass prison. I was so bored and it wasn’t the cant be bothered type of bored it was the sorts of boredom were you are totally deprived of things to do. I groaned. My thoughts wandered back to Ayama. I was only a beginner in Shadow Flight when she joined. Zomak had placed her under my command, even though I had only been through two missions, and was the same rank as her. I took her through the normal training system by myself because everyone ells was apparently “Too busy” to help. We developed a strong bond in those early days, and worked together on numerous occasions. Should one of us get into trouble the other would be right with them watching over them like what the humans called “A guardian angle” that’s how close we got, and I guess I did develop maybe a small crush on her. I remember the day I last saw her it was in April 5th 2007 operation Blood and Ink, an elite member of Shadow Flight had been sent to steal some top-secret documents but instead of returning he attempted to sell them on the black market we had been sent to stop him. Unfortunately he captured and ran off with Ayama. I destroyed the documents what has on them should have only been seen by the nation that owned them; it was a move that almost cost me my job. I made it back to the extraction location and waited there for six hours hoping for her to show up eventually I was forced to leave without her. I was so frustrated and worried for her every time my PDA went off for a call or message I would get it out in a flash hoping for it to be her it never was. The entire PDA thing just made me even more depressed that was something I could have done without. Numerous times I tried to go back and find her but Zomak was keeping me on a tight leash, sometimes I felt like telling him to get lost then going to look for Ayama myself, she was declared MIA (missing in action). After that I went on three more missions then quit. I was informed two days before I got attacked and sent here that she had finally returned but was shaken up, and should be left alone for a bit. In that time without her I felt empty like a part of me had just been snatched away from me. Even thinking about it now hurt. Now Sight had used her image to fool me into getting trapped in here.

“This is a new low even for a terrorist” I thought angrily slamming my hand against the glass wall. I yelped slightly as pain engulfed my hand. I guessed the water had numbed it since I got injured at least I didn’t have a headache.

Then my thoughts moved onto a more recent dilemma the glass box. As I was about to think over another escape plan an irritating buzzing noise that I recognised filled my ears again.

“Hello Karanic…” Sight began her voice echoing about like last time. “Listen to me carefully the lock you want to unlock is the middle one the key is linked to the floor so if touched the floor will activate…give me a moment don’t move.” I went almost totally still just enough to stay buoyant. A moment later something glinted catching my eye it was at the surface. I moved over slowly and unsurely towards it to investigate.

I couldn’t help but letting a toothy smile spread across my face, and let out a small laugh of amazement.

“Thanks Sight” I thought plucking the key from the water. I moved to the locks inserted the key into the middle lock. My hearts raced as adrenalin surged through my body a tremor spread across my hand when a sudden uncertainty filled my mind. I turned the key for a moment there was nothing. I pushed at the locks and the hatch came free. I sighed almost to relieved to believe it then clambered out as fast as I could.

“Karanic over here” A voice whispered. I spun around Sight was at the far wall near the door holding my P90 and the belt. I got down slowly keeping my eyes fixed on her cautiously I walked towards her in a battle stance ready to react should something happen. I reached her without being attacked she handed me the gear.

“Why?” I asked putting the belt back on.

“I…I don’t know…I just got this feeling that I should…you see I have visions most of them come true but some don’t. I saw the reactor then white light and a mushroom cloud, finally I saw a news paper article it was about what had happened” Sight explained. “Shortly after I saw the power plant again from the outside you were on the roof with Midnight, it was a heavy storm both of you were exhausted from a long hand to hand battle…something happened and then all of a sudden you had pressed the emergency shutdown button deactivating the plant, and walked out to a waiting crowd holding a dead dragoness. I got the feeling you knew her but I just couldn’t tell who it was…” she continued at length.

“So what will you do now?” I asked curiously. She shrugged.

“I go back to being a Psychic terrorist next time we meet it will be as enemies” She replied tensely under her breath as she turned and walked out through the door. I hesitated thinking about what she had told me. A feeling of uncertainty began to eat away at my mind.

“Could I stop Midnight and the others or would they succeed? And whit if I didn’t survive long enough to find out?” I asked myself under my breath “No I will survive and I will stop them” I continued, that thought gave me hope but it could easily be false hope.

I opened the door and stepped in. The hallway was brightly lit by overhead lights built into the ceiling the paint was a rather dull uninviting bleach white shade with a dull olive green stripe across it heading down the corridor, then round a slow curving bend and out of sight. However Sight was no were to be seen. I quickly moved round the corner to find myself at a cross section. I could go on were the stripe was still green go left were the stripe was yellow or go right were it was blue. I was just about to pick when footsteps came echoing towards me from the left it was more than one set of feet. I looked around franticly for a place to hide I hadn’t don’t this for so long I almost went into a panic attack. There was nowhere to hide another set of footsteps was coming from the bend behind me. I pressed myself at the wall closest to the left corridor.

“Rage I don’t care you and Thunder are going together and that’s final.” I heard Midnight order.

“But Mid Thunder is so annoying cant I just go with Scope?” Rage asked.

“Your not Mr Entertaining yourself Rage.” A third voice said.

“Shut up Thunder.” Rage replied. The voices very getting too close for comfort now and some one was still coming from behind me. I wriggled about a bit I was very uneasy being between two enemies.

“Both of you shut up!” Midnight shouted furiously and abruptly making even me jump slightly everything went silent. “Good now I have you attention I will explain. I am the boss I stay here, Sight is needed to keep track of our intruder, Moonlight is working on the reactor, Scope and Cheetah are on scouting duty making sure the military don’t show up. That leaves you two and I don’t care what you say you are going to that meeting with James and his government friends!” Midnight ordered. There was a long tense pause and the footsteps stopped. I brought the P90 up it felt heavier than usual and cold sweat covered the trigger and grip.

“Who is James anyway?” Thunder asked quietly.

“Who cares just move!” I screamed in my head.

“He is the guy who has long hair likes black. Usually wears black jacket black pants and shirt.” Rage replied as all three of them walked into sight and stopping. Thunder was the dark blue dragon that only left the orange and yellow dragon to be identified as Scope and Cheetah.

“Sounds like that human from the meeting room. But I don’t care about that now move for goodness sake!” I almost spoke the thought I was that tense but managed to keep my moth shut just as they walked into the middle of the cross section. Rage and Thunder were looking at Midnight who was looking back in the direction they had just come were they were standing.

“Ok get to the roof the helicopter will take you to the meeting.” Midnight said in a stern tone. Rage and Thunder nodded and walked off down the green corridor. My heart stopped when Midnight flinched. He turned to face them.

“Mess this up and you will regret it.” Midnight muttered before moving down the blue corridor. I almost fainted from relief as a sigh escaped my mouth. I remembered the footsteps behind me and moved off as quickly as possible without making too much noise. I decided I would go after Midnight hopefully taking the beast off at the head would cause enough disruption for me to finish the mission. The blue corridor went straight on and ended at a metal door that had a notice on it Midnight walked straight ahead and into the room. I hurried after him.

The notice read “Control room authorised personnel only”. I took in a deep breath and checked the P90 before digging the stock into my shoulder.

“One…two…three!” I shouted in my head before lashing out at the door with my foot. The door came right open and slammed into something on its opposite side with a crashing sound. The room was still bleach white it had a blue stripe running the wall too and was full of rows of desks with computers on them; all the computers were off. Also the front wall was a window that looked down onto a large room filled with a gargantuan piece of machinery, I guessed was the reactor. Midnight was standing in front of the window looking down on the machine.

“Its over Midnight!” I shouted.

“Hello Karanic I new you would eventually but I just didn’t know when, and don’t think I didn’t see you a moment ago at the cross section.” Midnight replied slowly.

“If you know why did you let me?” I asked aiming for his head. My finger suddenly twitched on the trigger under the tension.

“Because I was curious of what would happen when I told you, and I like seeing prey squirm in a predators grasp.” he answered.

“Told me what?” I asked bewilderedly lowering the P90.

“Your boss, the humans even other operatives of Shadow Flight they were all in on this.” Midnight began after a pause he continued. “They ordered me to do it just like they ordered Ayama’s disappearance all that time ago.”

“You’re lying!” I shouted, furious that he had said that several of my best friends had betrayed me. I gritted my teeth and growled.

“Quite the opposite. This entire thing was a setup from the beginning. See shortly after you retired Shadow Flights reputation began to drop. Zomak knew something had to be done so when he found out about us seven he collaborated with us and the humans to stage a terrorist attack, and then send you in if you pulled it off Shadow Flight’s reputation would skyrocket once again. As for Ayama you two were becoming too close just about close enough to endanger any mission you two went on together. So they had to make one of you disappear,” Midnight said calmly. I pulled up the P90. Now I was beyond furious.

“Karanic he is lying my duty is to protect the unit and to do that I must protect all members of the unit I would never order for Ayama to disappear” Zomak said angrily through my earpiece

“No Zomak wouldn’t sink that low. The humans would never destroy their own power plant, and Ayama’s disappearance couldn’t have been a set up!” I paused and was about to continue when I was interrupted.

“What makes you so sure her disappearance wasn’t planned? What makes you sure Zomak wouldn’t do anything to save the unit? What makes you so sure that I will destroy the reactor? What makes you so sure the humans wouldn’t agree if they could get their hands on six million U.S. dollars? Are you really going to go off your lying boss’ word?” Midnight asked. The questions hit me like train wrecks as I realised I had no evidence to prove him wrong. There were two clicks as two pistols were loaded. Midnight turned to face me he held two Desert Eagle pistols.

“You let me survive getting past the guards, Rage’s ambush, the box and the corridor just so you could fill my head with lies, and just so you could amuse yourself?” I asked, my growling growing even louder.

“Enough…the time for talk is over now we fight. No more easy rides from here the gloves have come off.” Midnight replied slowly and evilly. I pulled up my P90.

“Gladly.” I replied.
Last edited by Stealth_Slicer on Sun Jan 03, 2010 3:47 pm, edited 1 time in total.




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 37408
Reviews 182
The words in red are corrections that I made.

A moment later something glinted catching my eye it was at the surface. I moved over slowly and unsurely towards it to investigate.


Awkward it would be better if it said, "A moment later something glinted on the surface catching my eye. I cautiously moved toward it to investigate."


I couldn’t help but letting a toothy smile spread across my face,
and let out a small laugh of amazement.
[/quote]

Sounds kind of funny, better if it said, "I couldn't help but let a toothy smile spread across my face, and letting out a laugh of amusement."



“Thanks Sight,” I thought plucking the key from the water. I moved to the locks inserted the key into the middle lock. My hearts raced as adrenalin surged through my body. A tremor spread across my hand when a sudden uncertainty filled my mind. I turned the key for a moment there was nothing. I pushed at the locks and the hatch came free. I sighed, almost too relieved to believe it, then clambered out as fast as I could.



“Karanic over here” A voice whispered. I spun around Sight was at the far wall near the door holding my P90 and the belt. I got down slowly keeping my eyes fixed on her. I walked towards her in a battle stance ready to react should something happen. I reached her without being attacked she handed me the gear.

There's really no need to include the word "cautiously" since you have the words, "ready to react should something happen." That should be reason to believe that he is already walking toward her being calculative.

“Why?” I asked putting the belt back on.



“I…I don’t know…I just got this feeling that I should…you see I have visions most of them come true but some don’t. I saw the reactor, a white light, a mushroom cloud, and finally I saw a news paper article it was about what had happened” Sight explained. “Shortly after I saw the power plant again from the outside you were on the roof with Midnight, it was a heavy storm both of you were exhausted from a long hand to hand battle…something happened, and then all of a sudden you had pressed the emergency shutdown button deactivating the plant. And, walked out to a waiting crowd holding a dead dragoness. I got the feeling you knew her, but I just couldn’t tell who it was…” she continued at length.

Omitting what I put in blue will make that part flow better.

“So what will you do now?” I asked curiously. She shrugged.

Putting the "She shrugged." on a different line would make it flow better.



“I go back to being a Psychic terrorist next time we meet it will be as enemies” She replied tensely under her breath as she turned and walked out through the door. I hesitated, thinking about what she had told me. A feeling of uncertainty began to eat away at my mind.

I'm sorry but the whole, "Next time as enemies" thing is one of the biggest cliches ever. It also makes her seem a whole lot less threatening, upon reading the previous chapters I found the story intriguing, but that was just very unclimatic. If she is working for the bad guys then she would have killed him then and there, or tried to at least. Any sane, bad person would do that.


“Could I stop Midnight and the others or would they succeed? And what if I didn’t survive long enough to find out?” I asked myself under my breath. “No I will survive and I will stop them,” I continued, that thought gave me hope but it could easily be false hope.



I opened the door and stepped in. The hallway was brightly lit by overhead lights built into the ceiling the paint was a rather dull uninviting bleach white shade with a dull olive green stripe across it heading down the corridor, [color=#BF0000]then I rounded a slow curving bend and out of sight. However Sight was no were to be seen. I quickly moved round the corner to find myself at a cross section. I could go on were the stripe was still green go left were the stripe was yellow or go right were it was blue. I was just about to pick when footsteps came echoing towards me from the left it was more than one set of feet. I looked around frantically for a place to hide I hadn’t don’t this for so long I almost went into a panic attack. There was nowhere to hide another set of footsteps was coming from the bend behind me. I pressed myself at the wall closest to the left corridor. [/color]

That part could use a bit of work, it is quite confusing.


“Rage, I don’t care you and Thunder are going together and that’s final!” I heard Midnight order.

I'm pretty sure Midnight would sound like he was using an exclamation mark if he were giving a final order, or any order for that matter. You originally only used a period.



“But Mid Thunder is so annoying. Can't I just go with Scope?” Rage asked.



“Your not Mr. Entertaining yourself Rage.” A third voice said.



“Shut up Thunder!” Rage replied. The voices very getting too close for comfort now and someone was still coming from behind me. I wriggled about a bit, feeling very uneasy about being between two enemies.



“Both of you shut up!” Midnight suddenly shouted, making even me jump. Everything went silent. “Good now that I have you attention I will explain. I am the boss, I stay here, Sight is needed to keep track of our intruder, Moonlight is working on the reactor, Scope and Cheetah are on scouting duty, making sure the military don’t show up. That leaves you two, and I don’t care what you say you are going to that meeting with James and his government friends!” Midnight ordered. There was a long tense pause and the footsteps stopped. I brought the P90 up, it felt heavier than usual, cold sweat covered the trigger and grip.

omitted the "and"

“Who is James anyway?” Thunder asked quietly.



“Who cares just move!” I screamed in my head.



“He is the guy who has long hair, likes black. Usually wears a black jacket black pants and shirt.” Rage replied as all three of them walked into sight and stopping. Thunder was the dark blue dragon that only left the orange and yellow dragon to be identified as Scope and Cheetah.



“Sounds like that human from the meeting room. But I'm not worried about that right now. Move for goodness sake!” I almost spoke the thought I was that tense but managed to keep my moth shut just as they walked into the middle of the cross section. Rage and Thunder were looking at Midnight who was looking back in the direction they had just come were they were standing.

The parts in blue are just all over the place. I'm not sure how I would fix fix them, so I will leave that up to you. (Smiley face) I have no idea how people put those in messages, I am a failure!



OK, get to the roof, the helicopter will take you to the meeting.” Midnight said in a stern tone. Rage and Thunder nodded and walked off down the green corridor. My heart stopped when Midnight flinched, turning to face them.



“Mess this up and you will regret it.” Midnight muttered before moving down the blue corridor. I almost fainted from relief as a sigh escaped my mouth. I remembered the footsteps behind me and moved off as quickly as possible without making too much noise. I decided I would go after Midnight, hopefully taking the beast off at the head would cause enough disruption for me to finish the mission. The blue corridor went straight on and ended at a metal door that had a notice on it. Midnight walked straight ahead and into the room. I hurried after him.

The part I put in blue would read better if it said, "I sighed with relief for not fainting."



Over all it's not a bad story, just work on the grammar and you should be fine. Best of luck.

-Adrian
"Jesus said to her, “I am the resurrection and the life. The one who believes in me will live, even though they die; and whoever lives by believing in me will never die. Do you believe this?”
-John 11:25-26



I think the best thing about making it into the quote generator is when nobody tells you, so one day you're just scrolling and voila, some phenomenally inane thing that crawled out of your dying synapses and immediately regretted being born the second it made contact with the air has been archived for all time. Or worse, a remark of only average inanity. Never tell me when you've put me in the generator. Pride-tinged regret just doesn't taste the same without the spice of surprise.
— SirenCymbaline