For writing it in your sleep, it is really good. I am no expert on poetry but I think this is really good. It brings back a lot of different memories, I can see how it would bring back great childhood memories to some people!
Nit Picks
Overall, I think you could have made each line a bit smaller, break this down into a few more stanzas even!
Other then that I really do like it, keep up the good work!
-zerkk
"When then going gets weird, the weird turn Pro."- Hunter S. Thompson
"when all else fails and you can't extend a story, Ingest large amounts of hallucinogens or create a long lost brother" -- Zerkk
Kammieyaz, great poem. Tres enjoyable; I'll put a better review on this when I have a moment, but I'm in the middle of Essaying (so, what? I just made it a verb >.>) but I don't want this deleted before I get the chance.
"I'd steal somebody's purse if I could google it and then download it." -- Firestarter
Hello! This is a very interesting piece. There are a few ideas in here which I think could definitely be expanded on. For example, the "melancholy blossom who always smiles" - she is sad, but she smiles, to hide her sadness? Could this be a metaphor for a person? What is her song about? So I really like that first stanza.
The rest is good too, there is some good imagery in there but I feel like by the time we get to "sigh..." the structure of the poem, the constant telling us what to do, begins to wear a little thin. It is a good theme, but maybe it's just a little too much. Perhaps you should expand on them and cut a few out, perhaps find a theme within them and any which don't fit in the theme (for example the singing, going back to the flower, etc) could be cut out. Or perhaps memories, as the last few lines felt like someone talking about childhood memories. Maybe even singing about memories? Maybe the melancholy flower is a metaphor for someone who is melancholy about their chidlhood. Hehe I do get a little carried away, I just love interpreting poems, especially when there could be a metaphor involved somehow.
So overall, a very interesting piece which definitely got me thinking. Maybe just refine it a little more so that it has more of a defined purpose or story to tell. Great stuff.
I don't understand why the first and second stanza are separated, because they deal with the same subject-ish. I mean, the set up is the same. You know. "Listen, watch, speak" is the beginning and then a bunch of cool poetic words follow? Anyway, I don't see why they need to be separated, but I think this poem could benefit from more stanzas. Maybe break the second stanza into two, or even three? White space on a page is a lot more delicious then a bunch of words all crammed together in a large stanza. Just a though, you know?
Gosh, I haven't reviewed forever.
Giggle about the frostbitten toes, first kisses and scrunched up noses.
I really liked this line, because of the internal rhyme you ALMOST had. I'm not sure if you meant it to sound like this, but I think it flows really awesomely. The only thing, if you do want that awesome rhyme, would be to un-plural noses. You know. Just change it to nose.
Giggle about the frostbitten toes, first kisses and scrunched up nose.
Even that's not perfect, but you could work with it.
Very good poem, Kamas. I'll look for some of your other work now.
I am really intrigued by this poem, it's very apocalyptic (to me). And how each line starts with a different action, laugh, giggle, all that jazz. But it does seem to me that the teller or speaker is like an old war veteran of some sort. It all seems mashed together though, i think you should have tried breaking up each (or some) of the lines because they all seem to be like different stories in each individual one.
This poem really strongly reminded me of something, and I'm trying to remember what. Mostly, it's the imperative line-by-line format that does it, but still. There are some lovely turns of phrase, but as a whole it left me cold-- didn't quite have either that deep dreamlike horror or a waking idea to drive it, so it was left fragmentary, and it's not quite beautiful enough to make up for the lack of thread.
Wow, Kamas. I must say...I'm now jealous of your subconscious, as well. The fact that you can write this in your sleep...*shakes head in amazement* I found barely any nitpicks besides that scraps, I think should be scrapes. Not sure, though. Great work! I really enjoyed this with my mouth hanging open in awe. -Mizzle
"Chase your dreams, and remember me, speak bravery, Because after all, those wings will take you up so high." -- Owl City, "To the Sky" ✯ ✯ ✯
As I said - I can't really critique poems but it was interesting. I enjoyed reading it. Like others say you could break it into stanzas. Nothing like I ever read. It was good, keep writing in your sleep!
Logan.
"People are afraid to die, but are also afraid to live."
To be a master of metaphor is the greatest thing by far. It is the one thing that cannot be learnt from others, and it is also a sign of genius. — Aristotle, Poetics
I really enjoy this poem.
