Cutting Death

I started this story and have not finished it yet. Tell me what you think about it so far. Thanks

The blood spilled into the monster’s mouth. The person cries echoed until they ended; I knew right away I was the next target.
I have that same dream every night just the cry of the person sends chills up my spine. I was frozen for an hour listening to the rain pour down outside. I don’t know what that monster is but it’s a vicious animal. I love death and horror; it’s a rush to be in the line of death but the monster is the one line I don’t want to be in. I try going back to sleep but a quiet voice kept saying, “don’t go back to sleep, don’t go back to sleep, if you do you’ll die…” the voice echoed the room.
I got up to go to the bathroom. That voice tells me different things on different days, like Mondays after I wake up it says, “Life is short, watch your back and don’t go pass a wolf…” I don’t listen to the voice sometimes. I live here on planet Aica. I live by a forest and I work two very different jobs. I ‘m a singer/dancer and I work at a café’.
I went back to my room. I live with friends in my house. We go to the same school and because of no parents around, the school can separate us. We decided go get good grades and behave.
I sat on my bad and grabbed the notebook, I write my dreams in. The only dream that has been in that notebook is the monster one. My friends tell me to stop writing that dream in it but I don’t listen to them. I’m dating one of the most popular guys in school. I look at the clock it says 4:45AM. It’s close to time I get ready for school.
A few hours later, I wake up all my friends in the giant house. There are 100 people living at my house. We work together in the mornings because it takes time to wake up. Some people take an hour to wake up to three hours, but we have three alarm clocks in every bedroom.
“Good morning honey.” I say while blushing. I love living with no parents. “Morning babe.’ Tsuyoshi said back.
“So what do you think is going to happen today?” Anita asks. Anita is one of my close friends. “I don’t know. Why do you always ask me? I’m not a psychic.” I say to her.
“Yea, I know you’re not a psychic, but I’m just asking you what you think today is going to be like. That is all I ask.” She says. She gets annoying easily. “Today is going to be like every day boring at school and fun when school is done.” I say while starting to cook.
“You two better not start to fight. You know what happens if people start to fight. They will not be able to live here.” Tsuyoshi says. Yea, I say in my head.

this piece was pretty confusing, over all the sentencing didn't mesh well. Every thing is very rushed. You don't give the reader time to learn about your characters, also theirs no discriptions, I couldn't picture where she lived or what the people looked like. In the beginning I kinda like to actually see what happens i her dreams all yo said was their some monster. What kind? what does it look like? your writings lacking depth. My avice is too keep writing and then come back to this piece you'll see it very differently then.

None of it made sense. Why would two girls call eachother babe and honey? You REALLY neesd to rewrite it, OK? And I don't get how it says: (My friends tell me to stop writing that dream in it, but I don't listen to them. I'm dating one of the most poular guys in school.) No offense, but talk about random!!

I'm not going to review this, because theres too much. You're trying so hard to get to the good part, that you're rushing through the beginning and nothing makes since. You had several grammatical errors, and the sentencs didn't flow very well. I'm not trying to put you down, but this story needs fixing. This should be 5x longer than it is now. Yes, 5 times. Try just sitting down, clearing your mind of what is going to happen in your book, and focus on what is happening. Just keep trying. Practicing and tyring more will help you amount to a great writer.

-Rach

the people that said babe and honey one is a girl and one is a boy

This short story was very confusing to read. I felt like it was a very good attempted at a short story but you made some fatal errors that just completely ruin the story for the reader. One of them being how rushed this story seems, I feel as though you jump from one idea to the next. Try putting a little more detail into some of your ideas instead of just jumping to the next one.

"I sat on my bad and grabbed the notebook, I write my dreams in. The only dream that has been in that notebook is the monster one. My friends tell me to stop writing that dream in it but I don’t listen to them. I’m dating one of the most popular guys in school. I look at the clock it says 4:45AM. It’s close to time I get ready for school."

I feel like this paragraph is all over the place. For two lines your sticking with main idea and than you completely jump off topic. Saying who she is dating really doesnt have anything to do with the dream she just had.

I would also give more detail about the setting of this story, because you made it clear that they don't live on earth. The reader can't view the world that your picturing in your head unless you descibe it. Personally, I would have loved to be able to picture the planet where they are and how things work. I feel it would have made the story better.

One last thing I'd like to suggest is try createing complex sentences, this would help the story flow a little better.
For example instead of using short sentences try combining them with some sort of detail or imagery.

"I got up to go to the bathroom."

Try- "I got up to go to the bathroom, trying to ignore the voices that plagued me."


Sorry, a couple more thing just to help. Try substituting some words when your using them too often, for example instead of saying "the person" over and over again, try saying the "mysterious figure" or something alone those lines. Finally, please go over your grammar and proof read! I'm not one to judge because I am absolutly horrible at grammar so I feel your pain but we have to at least try putting an effort into proof reading. Even though I'd personally rather poke nails through my eyes than proof read.

I hope all of this helped and didn't come off as mean, I know how hard it can be to read a critical review. From personal experience, I know it can be a blow to your self esteem when you read a review that criticizes something you worked really hard on. Just try to remember, even the best writers are criticized.

Kikaharu. I'm Jayleigh.
Now we are done with introductions...let use begin.

The blood spilled into the monster’s mouth.

Monster? What? Maybe add in some describing or something. Just...the monster? Granted, yes dreams are not as vivid as writers wish, but we see something.

The person cries echoed until they ended; I knew right away I was the next target.

You switched tenses here. Cries is present. Cried would fit. How did she know? Because the cries had ended? Elaborate?

I have that same dream every night just the cry of the person sends chills up my spine.

This is a run on. Try either rewording or splitting it into two different sentences. The reoccurring dream of that one person in terror sent chills up my spine. The terror part didn't quite fit, but I have no idea what the person is crying about. So, you fix it.

I love death and horror; it’s a rush to be in the line of death but the monster is the one line I don’t want to be in.

This again is a run on and confusing. Plus, you switched tenses. Try sticking to one.

I try going back to sleep but a quiet voice kept saying

try is in the present tense while kept is past. If you are going for past then change try to tried. If you are writing in present, kept-keeps. Yes? Edit your work, I will not point them out again.

, “don’t go back to sleep, don’t go back to sleep, if you do you’ll die…” the voice echoed the room.

Hmm. This is not as cryptic as it should be. Try something more horrific. Also. If you keep this. After the first don't go back to sleep, start a new sentence. And your tag is more of an individual sentence. So the the would have a capital T.

I got up to go to the bathroom. That voice tells me different things on different days, like Mondays after I wake up it says, “Life is short, watch your back and don’t go pass a wolf…” I don’t listen to the voice sometimes. I live here on planet Aica. I live by a forest and I work two very different jobs. I ‘m a singer/dancer and I work at a café’.

She really has a voice in her head? You are moving to much here. And the advice it gives doesn't make any sense at all. And then...what? A different planet? I'm really confused.

I went back to my room. I live with friends in my house.

Ahem. *cough*Tenses*cough*

We go to the same school and because of no parents around, the school can separate us.

This sentence doesn't make much sense to me. Separate you? This is also a run on.

I sat on my bad and grabbed the notebook, I write my dreams in.

There is no need for a comma here.

notebook is the monster one

Use a thesaurus or something. Your readers will get sick of seeing the word monster repeated throughout your story. Or at least throw some adjectives at it.

My friends tell me to stop writing that dream in it but I don’t listen to them.

Why do they tell her to stop.

I’m dating one of the most popular guys in school.

This is called info dumping. Have him call her or something, then bring him up. Otherwise it is just a sentence that doesn't belong.

4:45AM.

The rule about writing out time is that the AM that you wrote out needs some periods. A.M. is politically correct, I believe.

few hours later, I wake up all my friends in the giant house. There are 100 people living at my house. We work together in the mornings because it takes time to wake up. Some people take an hour to wake up to three hours, but we have three alarm clocks in every bedroom.

Could you explain the housing a little more for your readers. One hundred people? That's a lot of people, I don't really understand.

“Good morning honey.”

Comma, not period.

“Morning babe.’

You have two different style quotes here.

Tsuyoshi said back.

You could just put replies. Or replied. Depending on the tense that you are using.

“So what do you think is going to happen today?” Anita asks. Anita is one of my close friends. “I don’t know. Why do you always ask me? I’m not a psychic.” I say to her.

The rule about dialog, well one of them anyway, is that when you have a new speaker, you must begin a new paragraph.

I’m just asking you what you think today is going to be like. That is all I ask.”

You already said that's what she's asking. Don't repeat yourself.

Okay, your main character...anita? It wasn't very clear her name. Well, she doesn't have many emotions. She just moves around robotic ally...it's boring for a reader. Just throw in some things about what she's thinking. Have her describe her surrounding and how they effect her. Okay? I don't mean to be harsh. You can PM me if you have any questions about my review. Good luck with your writing.

-Jayleigh

I do think its a really beautiful story buy you need more description to help the readers get more involved on the story thats all

this story is not a short story I just have added and finish the story. I working on a 25 series book and only got the first 10 pages done. I will finish all my stories sometime.

Kikaharu wrote:I started this story and have not finished it yet. Tell me what you think about it so far. Thanks

The blood whose blood? spilled into the monster’s mouth. The person too vague cries echoed until they ended you could expand on this and make it quite gruesome, this ends far too quickly; I knew right away I was the next target. You could try building up some more suspense so the reader feels more bothered about the character being hunted down/killed. I have that same dream every night just the cry of the person try and think of a better word or explain who the 'person' is sends chills up my spine. I was frozen for an hour listening to the rain pour down outside. outside where? I don’t know what that monster is well...it's a monster? you could say 'I don't know what type of monster this vicious animal is...[ but it’s a vicious animal. I love death and horror; this seems like you've gone off on a complete tangent, and it needs a new paragraph for it to be less confusing it’s a rush to be in the line of death but the monster is the one line I don’t want to be in. contradictory, and how would the character know what it's really like to be in the line of death - when they've only experienced it in a dream? I try going back to sleep but a quiet voice kept keeps saying, “don’t go back to sleep, don’t go back to sleep, if you do - you’ll die…” the voice echoed echoes throughout the room. you keep switching between past and present tense.
I got up to go to the bathroom. That voice tells me different things on different days, like Mondays after I wake up it says, “Life is short, watch your back and don’t go pass past a wolf…” I don’t listen to the voice sometimes. I live here on planet Aica. I live by a forest and I work two very different jobs. I ‘m a singer/dancer and I work at a café’. far too basic, you could try this in a diary format if you want to skim past irrelevant details - otherwise just dont include them
I went back to my room. I live with friends in my house. We go to the same school and because of no parents around, the school can separate us. We decided go to get good grades and behave. same point, basic and irrelevant
I sat on my bad bed and grabbed the notebook I write my dreams in. The only dream that has been in that notebook is the monster one. rephrase this, 'the monster one' it sounds childish whilst this could be made into something really scary and dark - at the moment it reminds me of a scene from Monsters Inc. My friends tell me to stop writing that dream in it but I don’t listen to them. I’m dating one of the most popular guys in school. what does this have to do with it? Unless you're going to link it to the story - don't include it. I look at the clock it says 4:45AM. It’s close to time I get ready for school.
A few hours later, I wake up all my friends in the giant house.I thought the character was getting ready for school - not just about to wake up There are 100 people living at my house. Why don't you make it a boarding school - this is extremely unrealistic so it makes it hard to take the rest of the story seriously. We work together in the mornings because it takes time to wake up. Some people take an hour, to wake up to whilst others take three hours, but we have three alarm clocks in every bedroom.
“Good morning honey." make sure the audience know who this is? I say while whilst blushing. I love living with no parents. you haven't explained why schoolchildren are living with no parents, especially when there's over a hundred of them.
“Morning babe.’ Tsuyoshi said back.
“So what do you think is going to happen today?” Anita asks. Anita is one of my close friends. “I don’t know. Why do you always ask me? I’m not a psychic.” I say to her.
“Yea, I know you’re not a psychic, but I’m just asking you what you think today is going to be like. That is all I ask.” She says. She gets annoying do you mean annoyed?easily. “Today is going to be like every other boring day at school - it's onlyand fun when school is done.” I say while starting to cook.
“You two better not start to fight. You know what happens if people start to fight. They will not be able to live here.” Tsuyoshi says. "Yea," I say in my head.

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Ok, there are a few spelling mistakes and paragraph errors but it's mainly your story line that gets to me.
Obviously the dream has some relevance so that needs expanding on rather than the character having a great time in a mansion with hundreds of kids with no parents - where on earth did they get the money from - you really need to explain.
Like many have said, the story is really really rushed and lacks any emotion to allow the reader any chance of connection.

This is kinda confusing. You have two many subject starters and you can combined most of your sentences. Here are some Notes that I took in my writing class: Things to begin a sentence with:
1. Subject (but don't use to much) Example: Mary is a good girl.
2. Clause. Example: Hunting is a sport.
3. Prepositional Phrase. Example: Through out the house the boy screams at his older sister.
4. Adverb. Example: Slowly, she walked down the line.
Or
5. Interjection. Example: "Ow! You hurt me, Bod."