Pain Forever Gone

She was so young, but so sick
She was beautiful, with her auburn hair and blue eyes
But everything was wrong
She had met him, and he had brought light into her life
But then, she threw it away
She knew she wouldn't be able to marry him
She knew, it would only cause more pain later
and chose another path
Every day she grew more sick with sadness
Her sorrow grew
And the scars, inside and out bled
Fresh blood
Then it was gone
The pain was gone
She rejoined God
And her sickness was taken from her
She's happy now
and is with God
He's taking care of her
and she is standing beside Jesus
Love full in her Heart


Thanks for all those who helped me through the tragedy I love you all

I liked your poem. It was really good.But I lost the track of the poem a bit and it became a little confusing for me.
I have a question. Why does she leave him?
my favorite lines were:-

The pain was gone
She rejoined God
And her sickness was taken from her

If you write more, then please PM me. i will surely read it!

it doesn't really sound like a poem to me and I didn't like it but that is my opinion. It's doesn't have a flow to it. I think that some of the words made it confusing and boring to me. I think that it will be a good poem if a few things where changed but that's me.

Hello there. Let's be seeing what we can be doing with this one!

First off: this

Here's a poem if you read my blog...you would know, and its true

is a problem. It's a problem because it isn't part of the poem, and yet without it, your poem is incomplete. Just as a general rule - if you're intending your work to be for public viewing [as is the assumption when you're posting something here for critique!] then it really needs to stand alone and independant of personal backstory. It just isn't fair on your readers if they can't understand what they're reading without reference to your personal life.

Secondly, and something that is connected to that: for narrative poetry, you really haven't developed your story well enough. Now, there are types of poetry that exist without any storyline at all, poetry based around single moments and images, but this definitely isn't that kind of poem. You've obviously tried to make it a narrative poem, but where is the narrative? It can be identified pretty summarily, "Girl has faith, loses faith, regains faith, is happy." Now, that would be fine as a baseline for a narrative poem, but it's not a baseline - that's all there is! Unless you're going to put in a lot more information and plot [what happens to make this girl lose her faith? what happens to make her regain it? what is her relationship with God like? who are the people around her while this is going on? etc, etc.] you end up with a skeleton poem - no meat on the bones, and that's a real problem if you want to be writing a narrative poem. After all, this is only one short stanza long: write more, elaborate, expand, give us something to get our teeth into!

Third: technique. One of the basic questions you need to ask yourself when you set out to write a poem [any poem!] is, "what makes this a poem?" Seems pretty stupid, right? But take a look at what you've written: if you took out the line-breaks, what would make this any different from a paragraph of plain prose? And if you can't find an answer to that, you have a problem, because there's one serious truth about poetry that young writers like to ignore conveniently, and that is this: line breaks do not a poem make! If your narrative poetry is just a paragraph of writing split up with the Enter key wherever you felt like, then really you need to be going back to learning what poetry is all about.
Rhythm, meter, possibly rhyme if you can do it without it sounding horrible, end-stopping verses enjambement, the correct use of punctuation - if none of these are ringing any clear bells, then you definitely need to study some poetry, study some English text-books, and learn the basics. It's not difficult, but it's very important. Learn how to use your poetic tools [all the things I've mentioned above] and you'll begin to write poetry that flows, that concentrates and focuses the reader onto certain words and concepts, and that has meaning beyond flat written word. Good luck!

Finally, your language. Now, personally I've never been a fan of overblown language in poetry, of big messy words where a short, simple one will do [with some exceptions!]. I think you're a bit too far on the other end of the spectrum, however. Part of a poet's arsenal is their vocabulary, and I don't think you're using it as well as you could. Beyond the first couple of lines, you have barely any adjectives at all, for example, and you repeat your language quite often. Spice it up a bit! You're supposed to be describing both a terrible loss of faith and a beautiful return to God, but the language reflects almost a boredom with the whole episode, as if you've already forgotten the painful and brilliant emotions - those are things that you have to really make us feel through your language, and without a lot more care over the words you're using, it all falls rather flat.

Hopefully a lot of these are criticisms that you can take and apply to your poetry in general, and they'll help you out over a range of pieces of work. Good luck with this one!

I couldn't review this even if I wanted too.

It's a very personal poem and if it helps you feel better that's the whole point. The poem itself needs some work but as long as it means something to you, it's the best poem it can be.

Feel better.

Kamas

As I read the poem it seemed very clear to me that it was written with a lot of feeling. I like the way it gave hope at the end; like the person found what she was looking for. On the other hand, I think that as you write you should recreate the story in your mind, do a brainstorming of the feeling you desire to portray so the person that reads it can really feel what the character in the poem feels. Anyway, it was very nice of you to share your mind with us, so Thank You for the lovely poem.

Rigella, you took the words right out of my mouth. Good poem, but if you were to show us more about what is happening to the girl in the poem and what she's facing, (and why she dumped the guy in the first place) it could be great

Hi.
I liked your poem.You can tell it is true. Sorry it is, whatever happened.
I got a little confused on why she left him, who he was and what happened but, I can understand why you haven't gone ott on the detail-you know what it means.

It was a really lovely poem.
Thank you for the read,
Woozey xx

This poem brings mixed reactions.

What is not clear,as it is many times, is why the other person was not let into her life and how excessively farsighted the narrator saw.

She had met him, and he had brought light into her life
But then, she threw it away
She knew she wouldn't be able to marry him

Its clearly a little disheartening to see the narrator being so analytical.Or possibly she thought she was not good enough for him which made her feel a lot of pain and more sad at the fact that she met him.

He's taking care of her
and she is standing beside Jesus
Love full in her Heart

The last line is a little hard to understand here.

It was nice to know that something helped the narrator come out of depression and possibly prevented it from reappearing for a long time.

I liked this poem a lot. It was different, but definetly a poem. Very emotionally deep; you can tell it was real. Sorry for whatever happened.