This is the second part. Enjoy! The next three days were hell. Every second I begged for Saturday to finally come.
Many things defined that week; none of them were good. Mom made me go back to see Leigh the psychopath shrink again. I didn’t say a word, but she smiled and said that at least I stayed in the room this time and she was happy with that progress for now. She tried to get me to draw what I was feeling. Apparently I was seven years old.
I got called to the principal’s office where the headmistress and I sat through many awkward silences as she - with appalling merit - tried to give me a pep talk about ‘leading my way out of the darkness’. It seemed as if it was every adult’s immediate response to my presence was to remind me of how shit a person I was.
I ate, breathed, and did my homework; managed to survive another three days on Planet Earth. I slept through most of it, only waking for meals and school. In a way, I was worse than before. I felt worse than before anyway. I slept to forget about what Theo had said, but that was brought to me in my dreams too.
There was something different about the way Theo had looked at me. I couldn’t figure it out though. Something about the way he had smiled when saw me and passed the note. His smile was regrettably more dazzling than any other person’s in the room, but that wasn’t it. He smiled in a different way; an honest way. His lips didn’t just move upward because he was taking pity on me, his eyes were smiling too. He was genuinely glad to see me…
Saturday I woke up feeling guilty as hell. I had enough of it on my plate as it was, I didn’t need this as well. I needed to apologize to Theo for being so rude so I could push him out of my head. The question: how?
I chickened out, going for the most indirect approach possible. Like a lame fake, I texted him.
To: Theo Murray
Hey Theo, its Rory. I know it probably doesnt mean much now, but could i call u or something, just to say sorry? Im not expecting u 2 forgive me or anything; I behaved disgustingly. I just wanna say it.
Message sent.
I groaned and collapsed back in bed. I closed my eyes, preparing for the hours of anxious waiting ahead. My palms started sweating at the thought of having to carry out this phone call, listening to the accusation in his voice.
And then five seconds later I got a text.
From: Theo Murray
Received at: 9:16 03/04/09
Starbucks. 20 minutes.
To: Theo Murray
Oh, I actually just wanted to call you…
I stared at my phone’s screen nervously and opened the new message the second it arrived.
From: Theo Murray
Received at: 9:19 03/04/09
10 minutes.
Shit.
I scrambled out of bed and threw a shirt and pair of skinny jeans on. Quickly grabbed some money and my car keys to dash out, only to stop short in front of the mirror.
I touch my cheeks, my nose, my lips, feeling inadequate. I honestly couldn’t have given a shit about how I looked, and yet something snapped in me and went for the mascara.
It took me a whole minute to make myself up, but I looked better. Not as pale, not as tired. Lord only knows what I did it for. I sure as hell didn’t care what Theo Murray thought of my appearance.
I picked up my money, phone and keys again and ran downstairs to the front door. I was almost home free when Mom caught up.
“Where are you going?” She asked sternly.
“Out.” I replied, spewing tons of negative tension into the atmosphere.
She gave me the once over before she spoke again. “Okay, but please be back soon.” She said, obviously satisfied that I wasn’t going to be whoring myself about in my worn out Chucks.
“Sure, whatever.” I said coldly and speed walked to my car.
Seatbelt.
Ignition.
Gas.
I hoped this unwanted meeting with Theo wasn’t going to turn out as badly as before. Spending my Saturday with him was at the very bottom of my list of things to do, but I at least had to try, if only for the sake of my own conscience.
Why Starbucks? I didn’t drink coffee. To be honest, I was scared. I didn’t know what Theo was capable of anymore.
Anymore. Would it surprise you to know that Theo and I used to be best friends? Needless to say, we weren’t exactly anymore. But this, for once, was not my fault.
I met him when I was five years old and we were inseparable until we were thirteen. We did everything together. And when I say everything, I mean everything. We would’ve picked each others noses if someone dared us to.
My dad had moved Mom and me here for the scenery. On the outskirts of our town, there were magical forests and mountains, practically crawling with greenery and unique wildlife. Dad lived for that stuff. A chance to hike at leisure through an enchanting landscape and be able to photograph it? The thought practically left his mouth watering. And so we had to move. Dad went where his heart led him. He was a free sprit. Mom was the polar opposite, and although they squabbled about every single one of his erratic decisions, it was what she loved most about him.
I was dead-set on stopping us from moving. I did everything my stubborn five-year-old mind could think of, but it wasn’t enough. Ten minutes after I met Theo though, every doubt I’d had about this new place faded into the back of my head. They didn’t have a hope of returning, but then I turned thirteen and everything started to go wrong.
There was only one Starbucks in our crappy little town, and it was always the busiest spot. Filled to the brim with desperate teens, arty college students, and the random door-to-door salesman or two, it attracted every caffeine addict we had. And let’s just face it, everyone’s a caffeine addict.
I inched past the hoards of people and found Theo in a booth at the very back with two coffees in front of him.
He looked much the same as he had when he was thirteen, or five even. He’d always been undeniably gorgeous. I doubted that would ever change, no matter how much of an asshole be continued to become. His hair was the same chocolate-colored mess, and his eyes still resembled a Caribbean ocean shore. He’d grown taller than I expected. I’d towered over him until we were twelve, but then he slowly started to overtake me. He currently stood at six foot-two, and it didn’t seem like he was going to stop growing any time soon. He was now five inches taller than me, and although it shouldn’t have, this fact added on to the very long list of things I couldn’t stand about him.
As I fumbled towards Theo, I noticed just how much he still looked like the five-year-old I’d spent my entire childhood with. But it was so different now. He looked up at me for three seconds, pursed his lips and then stared at his coffee again, as if he might throw it at the wall. Or at me.
“Hello,” I croaked and sat down awkwardly.
He didn’t even look up. “Well, go on then.”
“Oh, okay,” I said and shuffled in my seat, “I guess I wanted to say sorry for how I treated you the last time we spoke. I thought you were just saying stuff out of pity. But I thought about it a lot and I know now that you were being genuine. I felt I owed it to you to say sorry,” He played with his cup and smirked, “For being mildly unreasonable. You didn’t deserve it.”
“I know,” he replied icily and shifted the coffee in slow circles, not looking up. Well, this isn’t awkward at all, I thought.
I looked around for anything to save me from this torture. “Well,” I drawled and started standing, “I’ve said sorry, so I’m just going to go.”
“No,” he said abruptly, still not managing to meet my eyes. He pointed to the second cup of coffee. “I got you a drink.”
“Oh, I’m sorry. I don’t drink coffee.” Guilt coated my words like Vaseline.
“I know,” he retorted irritably. “Green tea, no sugar.”
I gaped at him in pure astonishment, but he still didn’t look up. “How do you know I drink that? They don’t even make it here.”
“I know.” He said for the third time and took a long sip of his coffee. He pushed the other drink painfully slowly across the table, following it with his turquoise eyes.
I took a small sip, shocked again by this side of Theo I never knew was there; this side of him I suddenly realized I used to know was there. I was so content on thinking of him as this shallow cliché, that I never saw that maybe a little of the old him was still in there. I didn’t know what he liked to drink. It could have been motor oil for all I cared.
“I’m sorry,” I said, thinking out loud. Somehow I was managing to feel guilty about treating a bad person badly.
He let out a sad, smug laugh. “What for this time?”
“For not caring,” I mumbled gingerly.
He stopped fidgeting for a second and tried to feign nonchalance, but I could tell what I’d said had surprised him. “About?”`
“You,” I answered quietly.
He looked out the window into the bright morning’s light and his brow furrowed. “You’re not my babysitter.”
“But I should at least know what you like to drink; who you are when you’re not being a total jerk. You know that about me.”
For the first time since I walked in, he looked up. His beautiful eyes slammed into me. “I know a bit more than that.” He said quietly. “Unlike you, I didn’t want to forget.”
His intensity sent a lurch through my stomach. Shame coated each of my childhood memories. I had wanted to forget. I’d wanted to forget it all. This wasn’t the same person that I’d grown up with. I didn’t even know him. Those memories were useless.
…But he didn’t want to forget.
Suddenly a glowing smile lit up his face and his eyes opened wide. “You’re wearing mascara. And you put pins in your hair!”
I blushed and touched my hair instinctively. I thought guys didn’t notice small details.
“It’s good, that you’re making an effort,” he flashed his dimples at me. “It’s really good.”
“If you say so,” I grinned out of courtesy, mostly. “I should go.”
“Ha, you’re not going anywhere!” He laughed and grabbed my wrist as I tried to stand up. I struggled to get my arm free but he persisted, shooting daggers at me with his ocean-blue eyes. “Oh, of course. Run away when I start to talk about the past. What happened to getting to know what I like, what I want?”
I sighed and gave in. “Okay Theo, what do you want?”
His eyes pierced mine seriously. He still hadn’t let go of my wrist. “I want you to hug me.” He said.
My eyes widened. “Yeah, I really need to go.”
Theo put down his coffee and stood up. “What you need is a good hug.”
“No,” I laughed nervously, “it’s not.”
I thought I would freak out and hate it. God knows I’d pushed off every hug anyone had attempted to give me in the past month. I didn’t know what made this one different, but somehow it was. He wasn’t pitying me or doing it because he felt obligated; he just did it because he wanted to. It made no sense. I couldn’t accept a hug from my own mother, but I could accept one from a jerk I hated.
He bent down slightly, not making any sudden movements as he pulled me into his arms. He squeezed ever so gently. At first I didn’t do anything back, just hung there limply. But as some random wave of emotion engulfed me, I found myself flinging my arms around his neck. Tides of memories washed over me; an ocean of happy, sad and everything in between. It may sound clichéd but the store around me sort of faded away. I wasn’t in Starbucks anymore; I was standing directly in front of a massive swell of waves, as sure as the grass is green that I was going to get knocked over by one of the ominous monstrosities. But somehow, Theo’s arms around me created a sort of barrier around me. His arms were the only thing that kept me from breaking down in that moment and it scared that to death I had so little protection from my own mind.
When I zoned back to planet Earth, Theo was softly stroking my hair and I was nuzzled in his neck, breathing erratically. He had a warm innocence exuding from him, even though he was anything but innocent. It felt good soaking up his suddenly light and addictive rays. It didn’t feel wrong, until I thought about just how much it should feel wrong. I had been so far away in my own bubble that I honestly couldn’t even say how long we’d been hugging.
I cleared my throat suggestively and we both let go. He smiled at me, again with this childlike innocence in his eyes.
“Hey,” he grinned, “want to go for a walk?”
I was skeptical, still shaking off the hug. “And do what?”
“Make out, obviously,” he answered in a goofy voice. “Talk, you loser! Get to know each other again.”
“Um,” I said awkwardly. I was kind of weirded out that he even brought up the topic of making out.
“Great!” He yelled.
He threw our cups away in a nearby trashcan, grabbed all our things and started for the door without me even saying yes. Our path was interrupted though, by an attractive blonde lady wearing chunky beads around her wrists and neck. She smiled and cleared her throat, looking as if she didn’t have the right words to say.
“Um, hi,” she said slowly and stared at Theo. What an original response to his presence. Mr. Sexy over here seemed to make most girls forget they had a brain.
“Hey?” Theo said back. He must not have known her either. She looked a bit old to be in high school.
“This is going to sound super weird, seeing as I don’t know you guys, but you’ve got to be the most beautiful couple I’ve ever seen. Gorgeous hair, eyes, smiles. And so tall too! You must be models or something.” She looked down at our feet. “Aw, you’re even wearing the same shoes!”
“Oh,” I almost choked, backtracking on her words. “We’re not a couple.”
Theo laughed, trying to shake off the cold tone I left in the air. He smiled at the lady and told her we weren’t models, but thanked her for the compliment. Ass.
“You’re not a couple?” She frowned and looked over at the spot where we’d been hugging. “Well, you sure as hell should be.”
“I know, right?” Theo joked, chuckling.
“I’m sorry. I was just thinking out loud, or whatever.”
“Hey,” Theo said, getting an awfully mischievous look in his eyes, “Can I tell you a secret no one else knows?”
The lady smiled and nodded eagerly, leaning closer to him. Theo put his hand to her ear and he whispered four words, none of which I could make out. But they made the lady gasp, her large grey eyes shifting to me immediately. I almost got worried, but then she grinned excitedly and nodded her head.
“Oh, beautiful. Beautiful!” She crooned eccentrically. “You don’t hear guys say that anymore.”
“I mean it though,” Theo responded softly. “I’m not just saying it.”
Both their heads turned to me at the exact same moment. “I believe you.” She said.
I was beyond the point of confusion by now, and this crazy conversation annoyed me. I grumbled and grabbed Theo’s hand, pushing and shoving our way out of the store.
“Which way are we going?” I asked impatiently as we hit the sidewalk, sun shining in our eyes.
“What?” He laughed. “You’re not even going to ask me what I told her?”
“Okay then, left,” I barked, and started left down the street. “And no, I’m not. You wouldn’t tell me if I did. And then you’d taunt me about it for hours.”
“Yeah,” he smiled cheekily. “You’re probably right.”
“So, what are we talking about then?” I asked hurriedly as we walked down the street.
“Hey, calm down there. Don’t you remember how to have a conversation? You don’t ask what to talk about. Let it come naturally. Just talk – current events, friends, family. You know; life.”
“Right, life,” I gulped as I realized I could hardly remember what having a normal one of those was like.
We passed a small bookstore and I couldn’t find anything to talk about. I watched the grass growing through cracks between the pavement. It all blurred in a haze of green and grey.
“Hey,” He smiled his famous half-smile, “Don’t go getting all quiet on me now. I thought you were beginning to warm up a little.”
I laughed internally at the prospect of that. “I don’t open up easily. It’s hard for me.”
“Ha!” He laughed. “I know. It’s okay though, let me start. Uh, what’re you doing tonight?”
“Oh,” I mumbled, embarrassed. I kicked a small stone in the path. “Nothing, I guess.”
He widened his eyes suggestively as if I’d forgotten something.
“Oh, right!” I laughed. “What are you doing tonight?”
He smiled triumphantly and then rolled his eyes. “DJ-ing some brat’s birthday party. Guaranteed to be a freaking blast.”
“Unlucky.” I said under my breath.
“But then after that,” He began, and I laughed because I knew he had more to do than DJ on a Saturday night. “I’m going to Samantha Carter’s seventeenth, getting shit faced and probably hooking up with a random girl.”
I bit my lip, confused. “What about Amy?”
“Oh,” He smiled easily, “She’s in New York for the weekend. Left yesterday.”
“That’s not what I meant.” I said, trying not to sound too serious. “You know that’s not what I meant.”
“Come on Lovett,” He said, calling me by the nickname I hadn’t heard in five years. “Can you honestly tell me you never got tired of Jay?”
I took a sudden left through the gates of a small playground. The sound of Jay’s name built a painful lump in my throat.
“I didn't cheat on him.” I growled weakly.
“That wasn’t what I asked.” He smiled.
I didn’t re-answer. I couldn’t believe he had even mentioned Jay in front of me. I guess I didn’t feel insulted by it, only guilty and slightly nostalgic. Jay loved playgrounds and kids. He was the type of guy you bring home to meet the folks; every mother’s dream son-in-law. He was respectful, loyal, loving, and he had a moral compass that never once faltered. In other words, he was the exact opposite of Theo.
“You see?” I sat down on a swing and Theo did the same. “That is what I mean when I say you’re a jerk. I don’t know what to think of you because you go from arrogant ass that I loathe, to this sweet guy you used to be in a matter of seconds.” I dangled my legs about awkwardly, getting the momentum to swing. “If you’re not interested in Amy anymore, then break up with her. I mean, every girl in our school can’t even stand still when they see you, never mind actually going out with you. What about them? You have all these girls who would kill for a chance at you, but you’d rather stick with your bitchy girlfriend you don’t even like?”
The sigh he made would have been audible ten yards away.
We both swung gently in the mid-morning light, but he didn’t answer. A slight breeze bustled stray leaves around our feet. The golden sun emerged through breaks in the trees and hit my eyes every time I swung forward. Ten or so kids ran around screaming in the rest of the playground in front of us. They grabbed each other’s shirts and wrestled each other to the ground, squealing and laughing euphorically. They seemed so carefree. They had no idea how horrible life could be; how much hurt the world could dump on your doorstep. I couldn’t remember how it felt to be that blissful or free. It was such a sad realization because I had been that blissful and free once, and not that long ago. I missed the feeling.
I don’t think growing up is getting taller and older. How much difference could there be between me and a little girl in a playground, right?
Growing up is leaving behind the ability to make your own happiness.
