Greensleeves

I wrote this for thechocolatewritingcat's prompt contest, its my first contest ever so, I'm pretty excited and I think I got a pretty good story for it! My prompt was to write a story about a beggar who likes to hear himself sing. I think I went a little beyond that but I think it mainly follows the idea, even if it doesn't, hey, I got a pretty good story out of it

So please enjoy, critique, shred, nit-pick, whatever you must! Most of all I hope you like it! Thanks so much!

-Irish

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I ambled down the alleyway, searching for a dry place to lay myself to sleep. I hummed to myself as I walked; a cheerful tune I heard on the voice of a drunkard man outside of a pub this morning, his voice was a deep bellowing, scratchy sound but none the less it brought lightness to my heart to hear a new tune, I had given up hope for one quite a while ago.

The alleyway seemed to stretch on, my tired legs carrying me laboriously suddenly collapsed on a sodden piece of earth, probably the driest I would find for the night. I laid the light, moldy blanket over myself, grateful for the little warmth it gave me on a cold night like tonight. Rain would probably come by morning, and I prayed that I had collapsed under an awning or roof, but the chances were slim. I would probably be awakened by the rain well before dawn.

I laid my head down on the rough cobblestone, and hummed the tune a little more loudly, the words swarming in my head like brightly colored humming birds. I opened my mouth as though to let fly away, but nothing came through. My mouth closed and collapsed into a frown. It had been at least two months since I’d sung a tune of any sort, humming was about the extent of it.

Closing my eyes I remembered when I always sang, so much it seemed I never talked. My voice as well as my sister's had been the gem of my family, my mother would coo and tell us how lucky we were for such a voice, my father would grin and make jokes that I knew he didn’t mean about men who sang, and my sister Anna… Anna. How long had it been since I thought about her?

Anna with her high, melodic voice that was sweeter than honey and broke any man’s heart… My cherished sister, taken away without justice, without pity into the hands of God. Along with the rest of my family leaving me to begging and sleeping in the streets every night. My thoughts wandered back to Anna rushing toward me the day she heard a brand new love song.

“William,” she called to me, her black-berry hair flying out behind her, and her golden colored eyes sparkling, “William, quickly, oh quickly! You must hear this song I heard in town. It is positively beautiful” She ran in, grabbing me by the hand and pulling me into our room; a shining black harpsichord near the window.

She pulled me over to it and plunked down onto the bench in front of the delicate looking instrument; placing her hands in the proper places automatically and beginning to play, her voice melting into a sweet duet with the instrument. The song was played entirely without fault or stumbling and she looked to me, a large smile on her face and her eyes alight with something on the verge of mischief.

“Isn’t it beautiful William?” She asks. I nod, grinning.

“Show me how it’s done Anna. Teach me so I can sing it to you every morning when the sun rises calling for your beauteous face to come and show itself to the world!”


The memory then fades to grey as the months pass and Anna falls ill, the last couple lines of the song having been left unfinished. I told myself that one day, I would finish learning the song and visit where she now lay, and sing it her every morning like I promised. But, as of yet, I had not found the heart.

The words of Anna’s song began to spin in my head, faster and faster. Slowly I open my mouth and to my surprise my low, almost melancholy voice rings out the soft words:

Alas my love, ye do me wrong
to cast me off discurteously:
And I have loved you so long,
Delighting in your companie.

Greensleeves was all my joy
Greensleeves was my delight:
Greensleees was my heart of gold,
And who but my Ladie Greensleeves.

I have been readie at your hand,
to grant what ever you would crave
I have both waged life and land,
your love and good will for to hav

Thou couldst desire no earthly thing,
But still thou hadst it readily,
Thy musicke still to play and sing,
And yet thou wuldst not love me.

I grinned, remembering how often my voice had comforted me in the past with struggles, smaller ones than this but nonetheless. Suddenly I stop; this was where Anna’s teachings had ended. She had gone over the part with me several times, but I had never quite gotten it, now it was lost forever in a sea of faded memories.

Then, as if on cue, a quiet, high pitched woman’s voice starts to sing from somewhere off in the distance, slow, beautiful, and painfully familiar.

Greensleeves now farewel adieu….

I sat up slowly looking for the source of the voice, my heart racing. The voice seemed to be coming from every where and no where all at the same time and it caused my head to spin wildly.

God I pray to prosper thee…

In all my panic and dizziness the words flowed back to me, and I opened my mouth to sing with her, with Anna.

For I am still thy lover true
Come once again and love me.

A fat raindrop hit my face and jerked me awake. I gasped and looked around me, befuddled. Where had she gone?

Suddenly, realization dawned on me and I saw that she was a dream. Another raindrop hit my face and I groaned. It would begin to pour soon, and I might as well get out of the rain while I am still partially dry. I sat up in my blanket and looked around me, humming loudly. I sighed and looked up at the nearly cloudless sky.

I squinted past the few angry storm clouds to the shimmering stars the lit the night sky and began to sing the song once more as I stood up, tucked my blanket under my arm, and headed for the nearest inn.

Once more I looked to the heavens, knowing that she hears me, sees me, and still knows that I will love her until every one of those stars disappear...

For I am still thy lover true…

As I sang, I heard her voice singing with me, blending in with my voice. I smiled and turned the corner, singing the last line as I headed for the lights at the end of the street signifying an inn.

Come once again and love me...

"Applause" (I actually clapped!!!)

If you don't win this thing, the judges are mad!!! I absolutely loved reading this. I'm totally inspired to go and write something really amazing. My two best parts were the song and the fact that "his lover" was his sister. It doesn't all have to be romance.

However, a few grammatical errors; "tried" instead of "tired", don't know about the word being used here "... 'able' down..." its somewhere at the beginning. Also the song you spelt "have" without an "e".

All together your work is absolutely beautiful. Its the right mix of everything it takes to captivate your reader without being too much. Will definitely look out for more of your work. Especially, more than anything, for good reading and not reviewing!

Happy writing.

Oh my God! Thank you so much! I'm really glad you love it, I'm freaking about it a little, haha.

I'll make sure to fix that before I turn it in! Thanks again!

-Irish

Hey there, Irish! Here as requested.

Ok, so first off this was a lovely piece of writing! The overall tone and feeling of the piece was wonderful. You have a few things in there that need to be straightened out, but I really enjoyed reading it.

Now some nit-picks:

I able down the alleyway, searching for a dry place to lay myself to sleep.

I think you mean "amble"!

The alleyway seems to stretch on, my tried legs carrying me laboriously suddenly collapsed on a sodden piece of earth, probably the driest I would find for the night.

Firstly, I think you meant "tired" here. Secondly, your tenses are getting a little mixed up. At first you were talking in present tense (amble and hum) but now you've switched to past tense (collapsed). It's pretty easy to do but you need to watch out for it. From reading through the next paragraph or so it looks like the present tense in the first paragraph was a mistake?

I lay my head down on the rough cobblestone, and hummed the tune a little more loudly, the words swarming in my head

This sentence is the perfect place to add a little imagery (similie or metaphor) at the end. It would sound lovely!

Anna with her high, sweet voice that was sweeter than honey and broke any man’s heart…

The repetition of sweet does nothing here.

“William,” she called to me, her black-berry hair flying out behind her, and her honey colored eyes sparkling, “William, quickly, oh quickly! You must hear this song I heard in town! It is positively beautiful” She ran in grabbing me by the hand and pulling me into our room, a shining black harpsichord near the window.

She pulled me over to it and plunked down onto the bench in front of the delicate looking instrument; placing her hands in the proper places automatically and beginning to play, her voice melting into a sweet duet with the instrument. The song was played entirely without fault or stumbling and she looks to me, a large smile on her face and her eyes alight with something on the verge of mischief.

“Isn’t it beautiful William?” She asks. I nod, grinning.

“Show me how it’s done Anna! Teach me so I can sing it to you every morning when the sun rises calling for your beauteous face to come and show itself to the world!”

Perhaps this section should be in italics as it is a memory.

and her honey colored eyes sparkling

This is the second time that you've used honey to describe something. That's not a problem really but it might be nice if you got a new word.

The song was played entirely without fault or stumbling and she looks to me,

Again, a mix up of tenses here.

“Show me how it’s done Anna! Teach me so I can sing it to you every morning when the sun rises calling for your beauteous face to come and show itself to the world!”

This doesn't sound so much like something a brother would say to his sister. It sounds more like something a lover might say whih is slightly confusing.

I fat raindrop hits my face and jerks me awake. I gasp and look around me, befuddled. Where had she gone?

Should be "a fat raindrop"? And you seemed to have slipped into present tense again.

I squinted past the few angry storm clouds to the shimmering stars the lit the night sky

"That" lit.


Overall:
It's a really nice story! I love the ending and the way that the end of the song signifies a new era for the man. You've written a really nice piece here and I enjoyed reading it a lot. However, you really need to work out whether you're writing this in past or present tense! It will work in either so it's up to you to decide on one and comb through the story to pick out all the mistakes on that front.
But I love this!

Hope that I helped somewhat!

~Amy

Loved it, very nice.

All in all, it was a beautiful piece of writing that I absolutely adored, but I did spot tense mix-up and the occasional spelling mistake etc.

Lovely.
-Genevieve
- it dances for you!

but nonetheless it brought lightness to my heart to hear a new tune,

It had been at least two months since I’d sung a tune of any sort,

My cherished sister,

This should be the start of a new sentence.

You must hear this song I heard in town!

No need for an exclamation mark here.

She ran in, grabbing me by the hand

There should be a comma there.

and pulling me into our room; a shining black harpsichord near the window.

A semicolon needs to be used here.

Show me how it’s done Anna!

Ditto to the last comment I left about the last exclamation mark.

Suddenly, realization dawns on me and I realize she was a dream.

This is redundent.

Overall:
I really love your writing style, it is great. The story itself, though, not so much. Possibly because it doesn't really speak to me. I wish more emotion were put into it, but I like the way you write, very much so, and I would be more than happy to read some of your other work.

Wooo! This is good! I hope you win!

Hello irsihfire.

I will put my comments and suggestions in bold font.

I will put words and phrases/sentences that confuse me, or are obvious mistakes in blue.

I shall put things that I added because you forgot them, such as comas and missing words. It also will sometimes mean that I changed something.

Things in green are just oddities that may have been intentional by you.

I will also put some smilies in there to make my reviews psychologically easy on the reader. In this case, it you.

*I shall kill your work in the dead of night, as silent as the Ninjas of shadow* Totally kidding.

I ambled down the alleyway, searching for a dry place to lay myself to sleep. I hummed to myself as I walked; a cheerful tune I heard on Maybe try changing that into "from". Using "on" makes me scratch my head. I even reread it multiple times to see if it made sense. It sadly did not. the voice of a drunkard man outside of a pub this morning, His voice was I suggest you change that word into, "had" a deep bellowing, scratchy sound but none the less it brought lightness to my heart to hear a new tune, I had given up hope for one quite a while ago.

Wow that is a massive run on sentence. The comma in blue could easily be chnaged into a period.

The alleyway seemed to stretch on, my tired legs that were carrying me laboriously forward suddenly collapsed on a sodden piece of earth, probably the driest I would find for the night. I laid the light, moldy blanket over myself, grateful for the little warmth it gave me on a cold night like tonight. That comma in blue is not necessary, it actually creates an awkward pause. Rain would probably come by morning, and I prayed that I had collapsed under an awning or roof, but the chances were slim. I would probably be awakened by the rain well before dawn.

I must tell you, I liked the little rhyme you had in there. night and tonight.

I laid my head down on the rough cobblestone, and hummed the tune a little more loudly, the words swarming in my head like brightly colored humming birds. I opened my mouth as though to let fly away, but nothing came through. I had no clue what that meant irish. Maybe try: "I opened my mouth as though to let happiness in." Of course, there are many things that could substitute for what I wrote at the end. My mouth closed and collapsed into a frown. I don't quite like the "collapsed" here, maybe substitute it with "morphed" It had been at least two months since I’d sung a tune of any sort, humming was about the extent of it.

I'm liking the piece so far.

Closing my eyes I remembered when I always sang,Change all that to something like: "that I always sang" so much that it seemed I never talked. My voice as well as my sister's had been the gem of my family, my mother would coo and tell us how lucky we were for such a voice to have such voices, my father would grin and make jokes that I knew he didn’t mean about men who sang, and my sister Anna… Anna. How long had it been since I thought about her?

The technical errors are beginning to take me out of the experience.

Anna with her high, melodic voice that was sweeter than honey and broke any man’s heart… You can change those ellipses to a period. It will prevent another massive run on sentence. My cherished sister, taken away without justice, without pity, into the hands of God. Along with the rest of my family, leaving me to begging and sleeping in the streets every night. My thoughts wandered back to Anna rushing and rushed me toward toward me I think you meant for those words to be reversed. the day she heard a brand new love song.

What I wrote you in red keeps the paragraph in the past tense, In your original you shift from present to past, and vice versa That is only OK in special situations, sorry but that isn't here.

“William,” she called to me, her black-berry hair flying out behind her, and her golden colored eyes sparkling, “William, quickly, oh quickly! You must hear this song I heard in town. It is positively beautiful” She ran in, grabbing me by the hand and pulling me into our room; a shining black harpsichord near the window.

She pulled me over to it and plunked down onto the bench in front of the delicate looking instrument; placing her hands in the proper places automatically and beginning to play. Her voice melting into a sweet duet with the instrument. The song was played entirely without fault or stumbling. and When she finished she looked at me, a large smile on her face, and her eyes alight with something on the verge of like mischief.

That was the biggest series of mistakes. *Dies from exhaustion*
Hey look, I'm still alive!

*Continues review*

“Isn’t it beautiful William?” She asks.

I nod, grinning.

It is best to separate the actions of different characters. It makes everything flow so much smoother. Actually, it's mostly a requirement in writing stories.

“Show me how it’s done Anna. Teach me so I can sing it to you every morning when the sun rises, calling for your beauteous face to come and show itself to the world!”

The memory then fades to grey as the months pass and Anna falls ill, the last couple lines of the song having been left unfinished. I told myself that one day, I would finish learning the song and visit where she now lay, and sing it to her every morning like I promised. But, as of yet, I had not found the heart.

That comma is not needed here. It is like a dog that has to be put down. (Dog as in, *WOOF! SCOOBY DOOBY DOO!*

The words of Anna’s song began to spin in my head, faster and faster. Slowly I opened my mouth, and to my surprise my low, almost melancholy voice rings out the soft words:

I gave a stray comma that I found feeding on omitted punctuation marks a home in your paragraph.

Alas my love, ye do me wrong

To cast me off discurteously:

Spelled wrong, the proper spelling is: discourteously.

And I have loved you so long,

Delighting in your companie.

Did you mean "company"

Greensleeves was all my joy

Greensleeves was my delight:

Greensleees was my heart of gold,

And who but my Ladie Greensleeves.

I'm guessing you did those kinds of funny spellings on purpose.

I have been readie at your hand,

to grant whatever you would crave

I combined those words for you.

I have both waged life and land,

your love and good will for to have

You forgot an "e".

Thou couldst desire no earthly thing,

But still thou hadst it readily,

Thy musicke still to play and sing,

And yet thou wuldst not love me.

That almost sounds like Biblical scripture. Thought shalt not have any typos in thy work.

I grinned, remembering how often my voice had comforted me in the past with struggles. smaller ones than this but nonetheless. Suddenly, I stop; this was where Anna’s teachings had ended. She had gone over the part with me several times, but I had never quite gotten it, now it was lost forever in a sea of faded memories.

Then, as if on cue, a quiet, high pitched woman’s voice starts to sing from somewhere off in the distance, slow, beautiful, and painfully familiar.

"Quiet" suggests that it is close by and is in actuality, hard to hear. But seeing as hear you say the voice comes from far away you should use, "faint".

Greensleeves now farewel adieu….

Are you sure you didn't mean "farewell"

I sat up slowly, looking for the source of the voice, my heart racing. The voice seemed to be coming from everywhere and nowhere, all at the same time, it caused causing my head to spin wildly.

This is one of those instances where it is perfectly OK to change tenses. But only for "caused" to "causing"

God I pray to prosper thee…

In all my panic and dizziness the words flowed back to me, and I opened my mouth to sing with her. With Anna.

I omitted the coma and changed it into a period, and capitalized the "w".

For I am still thy lover true

Switching those words around would make it sound much better. "true lover" instead of "lover true".

Come once again and love me.

A fat raindrop hit my face and jerked me awake. I gasped and looked around me, befuddled. Where had she gone?

I think you meant "baffled" *Rolls on floor, laughing*
Just kidding.

Suddenly, realization dawned on me, and I saw that she was a dream. Another raindrop hit my face and I groaned. I think this would have a more emotional punch if you said the protagonist, "closed my eyes for the span of one second". "groan" just sounds dull, and I don't think she is the groaning type anyway. It would begin to pour soon, and I might as well get out of the rain while I am still partially dry. I sat up in my blanket and looked around me, humming loudly. I sighed and looked up at the nearly cloudless sky.

I squinted past the few angry storm clouds to the shimmering stars the that lit the night sky and began to sing the song once more as I stood up, tucked my blanket under my arm, and headed for the nearest inn.

Once more I looked to the heavens, knowing that she hears me, sees me, and still knows that I will love her until every one of those stars disappear...

Beautifully written, I loved it.

For I am still thy lover true…

Another one of those moments where it sounds better if the words are reversed. But wait... are we talking about two females here? In that case, you are correct in writing it that way.

As I sang, I heard her voice singing with me, blending in with my voice. I smiled and turned the corner, singing the last line as I headed for the lights at the end of the street signifying an inn.

There are several tense changes here, but I think they are fine in this case.

Come once again and love me...

Now I'm thinking that they aren't two women.

Closing Words:

What I liked:
You have some stunning moments in there irish. I also like tales of people who are less fortunate than ourselves. It's always sad hearing of the hardships that they go through.

What I did not like:
There are numerous errors here that distract from the reading experience. They make your work seem so bleak. Some parts are so riddled with errors that I had to reread them multiple times to get the meaning. In those, I have offered you suggestions on how to address the issue.

Overall:
I enjoyed your piece. I'm not the overally critical reviewer that only reviews to tell a user how bad their work is. You may have seen them around, and I'm sure you know that what they write is not nice. Most of the time that's all they do, criticize and don't offer any advice other than, "Get rid of this, it is trash." I hope you never get any of those reviews. I myself haven't gotten one, but I've seen them, and even though it isn't about my work, it is still sad seeing it.

Have a wonderful day irsihfire.

- *That angel is my signature*

Oh my god, this is one of the greatest works of literature on this site that I've read.... I loved this so much! It was moving, emotional, and heartwrenching without being a sappy love story slash tear jerker. 'Greensleeves' is amazing and completely real- which I love and wish that there were more stories like this. You should so write more, anything, everything, just write all of it! I loooooove this!