Tongue tied and Silly. (Andre & Starling)

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So, at first I posted their break up, and now I'm posting their before, doesn't really make sense. Please be nice, my only wish.

Andre jumped out of his rental car and headed up Starling's driveway, as he came to Starling's little electric blue Hyundai Tiburon Coupe, he saw legs sticking out. So of course he knew it to be Mrs. Lindey, Starling's mom, just the person he wanted to talk to.
Leaning up against the car, he noticed that Mrs. Lindey was wearing a ratty old pair of Converse sneakers, that looked somewhat like Starling's. He shrugged his shoulders and let it slide, Mrs. Lindey was her own person and wears whatever she wants.
Andre cleared his throat, hoping he didn't sound rude, he received a small feminine grunt that sounded something like; 'One minute' he wasn't sure.
He looked at his watch and really didn't want to sound impatient or rude, but he really needed to talk to Mrs. Lindey then to Starling, time was of the essence.
He bent down so he could hear her better. “Mrs. Lindey, I really need to talk to you, and I don't want to sound rude or anything, but. . .” he paused, waiting for a response only to get the clanking of tools smashing together and softly spoken curses.
“Hold on Andre.” she sounded agitated, being a smart man he back up and tried to calm himself. He only had a certain amount of time until she came, he cringed at the thought.
'Please hurry, Mrs. Lindey!' he silently prayed.
Finally after a couple of minutes waiting, the legs began to emerge from underneath the car, the mechanic stood up to brush herself off, her light blue jumpsuit covered in grease from head to toe and a red bandanna to protect her hair was wrapped around her head.
Andre inwardly groaned and resisted the urge to kick himself, when he got an eye full of the lovely mechanic standing before him.
Starling stood hands on hips smacking her bubble gum as hard as she could, anger flowed from her pretty hazel eyes. “So, I look like my mother now?” her dark eyebrows puckered and the faded black sneaker tapped agitatedly.
Andre ran his hand through his dark curly hair. “No, Starling you don't, its just that I assumed your mother was under there, and not you, because aren't you supposed to be shopping with Tawny and Kim?” he asked, feeling as if he should get down on his knees and beg to be forgiven.
A smile tugged at the corner of her mouth. “Well, you do know what they say about 'assuming' don't you?” she asked brushing his nose with the tip of her finger, leaving a spot of grease.
Andre leaned up against the little coupe stuffing his hands into the pockets of his jeans. “I'm sure you could tell me.” he smiled taking a dirty dishrag and wiping his face with it. Starling's eyes widen as she held in her laughter. “I did just do that, didn't I?” he asked feeling like a complete fool.
Starling nodded and a giggle slipped through, she tried to cover her mouth with both hands, but it was too late the giggles had already burst forth.
“Oh Andre!” she laughed watching him turn red. “I'm so sorry, here let me get you a clean rag.” she offered running inside.
Once Starling was totally inside, Andre bent forward looking in the side mirror, he groaned. “Great, not only do I sound like a fool I also look like one too!” he fell back against the car, not even bothering trying to wipe the dirt and grease off, it would only make it worse.
“You need to just get it out in the open, stop procrastinating.” he told himself, thinking of the night to come. “Maybe she won't mind, it's Starling she's amazing and totally understanding, it'll be ok.” he decided watching her come back out with a frown on her face.
'Wonder what's eating her?' he knew what was eating him, and he dreaded telling her.
“Here,” she handed him the cool damp washrag, with a slight sigh.
Andre smiled his thanks and began cleaning himself, wondering if he should ask her what's up with her first, or tell her his not so good news.
He was just about to man it up and tell her the bad news first when Starling unzipped her coveralls, and all he could see was what he hoped to be a yellow polka-dot bikini top and not a bra. Stunned a little he didn't know that his mouth was hanging open a lot.
She ignored his facial reaction to her bikini top, as she took her arms out of the long sleeves and tied them around her trim little waist, leaving only baggy pants that sat right on her hips.
“So what did you want to talk to my mom about?” Starling asked, removing the red bandanna. Her long dark hair cascading down around her face and shoulders, like a waterfall, it made it hard for Andre to pay attention to her question.
“Uh. . .well- nothing, I can ask her later.” he struggled, feeling his braincells quickly dieing every time he opened his mouth today.
She laughed. “Ok.” tucking her hair behind her ears. “It's kinda hot out, want to take a quick dip in the pool?” she asked nonchalantly.
“Uh. . . I don't have my shorts with me.” he stated, still stupidly, boyishly dumbstruck by Starling in a bikini.
Starling laughed again, he was quite funny today. “It's ok, you can borrow a pair of Blake's. He's at a friends party and won't be needing them.” she told him leading him into the house.
The heart wants, the body needs, and the mind suffers. - me




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Ha! Levan here again... Hope you're not angry with me with the previous review. D:

Now, like from before, another review. I've some improvement thus far, and I'm glad to find that out. :)

A little problem is that I've been seeing more misuses of commas though, and there's still the presence of the same mistake from the previous story, specifically, the improper capitalization of words after dialogues. I won't be pointing out the latter anymore.

Andre jumped out of his rental car and headed up Starling's driveway, as he came to Starling's little electric blue Hyundai Tiburon Coupe, he saw legs sticking out.


You should cut the sentence between "driveway" and "as". Don't know much about the other bolded part, but I think it'll be better if you add the word "two" beside it.

Leaning up against the car, he noticed that Mrs. Lindey was wearing a ratty old pair of Converse sneakers, that looked somewhat like Starling's.


You should remove the comma. There are a lot more parts containing this error in your story.

Andre cleared his throat, hoping he didn't sound rude, he received a small feminine grunt that sounded something like; 'One minute' he wasn't sure.

He looked at his watch and really didn't want to sound impatient or rude, but he really needed to talk to Mrs. Lindey then to Starling, time was of the essence.


A number of corrections here...

Bold no. 1: It's best that you cut the sentence there, and replace the comma with a period.

Bold no. 2: Remove the semi-colon. (or add a comma.) After fixing, add a comma after "'One minute'". Try adding "but" before "he" afterwards.

Bold no. 3: Not trying to sound rude (*coughs*) but it'll be more appealing if it's either you replace "sound" with "look", or rather, rephrase the sentence as the phrase was recently used. I vote for the latter.

Bold no. 4: After "Starling", replace comma with a semi-colon.

Starling asked, removing the red bandanna


feeling his braincells quickly dieing every time he opened his mouth today.


Some misspellings. "Bandanna" should be "Bandana" and "dieing" should be "dying"

I'd point all of the errors out, but I'm truly sorry. I don't have much time. =/

As for the story, I'm glad you're taking romanticism on a higher level. Sweet romantic moments always make my day. :smt003

Ugh... I hate cliff-hangers. Or mysteries. I wonder what Andre was supposed to talk about?




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Hello, Jayleigh here.
Since previously, someone posted nitpickys and the only things I found were simple grammar mistakes that you could probably find yourself.
But I wanted to tell you how much I liked reading this. I have not read your previous post, about the break up, but I liked this. It was very well written. I know I'm not being very helpful. I owe you a rewview!!!
-Jayleigh

p.s. I really want to know what's going on in Andre's head. :)
"Only love heals. Anger, guilt, and fear can only destroy and separate you from your true capabilities."-Damen




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I could not carry on with reading your work for the many puntual errors, silly wordings, ect. Here are some problems I had early on on the story, though it isn't all that I noticed:

Andre jumped out of his rental car and headed up Starling's driveway. As he came to Starling's little,electric blue Hyundai Tiburon Coupe, he saw legs sticking out.

After "driveway" there needs to be a period, not a comma, that would make a run-on sentence. There needs to be a comma after "little." Try using another word for "saw," please.

So of course he knew it to be Mrs. Lindey, Starling's mom. Just the person he wanted to talk to.

It's not good to start a sentence off with "So." Chop the second sentence into two, place a comma after "mom."

; 'One minute' he wasn't sure.

I don't believe there needs to be a semicolon there, use a comma instead.

but he really needed to talk to Mrs. Lindey, then to Starling. Time was of the essence.

Place a comma after "Mrs. Lindey," and a period after "Starling."

Overall:
I think you need to brush up and sharpen on your writing skills before posting another story, but I hadn't read much of this one, so I cannot judge whether the story is going somewhere or not.
House: People interest me. Conversations don't.
Foreman: Maybe because conversations go both ways.
House & Foreman: Like Thirteen.



You can't blame the writer for what the characters say.
— Truman Capote