Young Writers Society


Thoughts

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There was a peacefulness that seemed almost perfect. It was a place that you'll most likely not want to leave. Then all of a sudden you realise its fading away. Slowly but surely. Then there's a new awareness-an awakening to be precise. You know its there but you ignore it, pretend it doesn't exist; then all of a sudden you here a noise' that gives you a rfude shock. One not totally unexpected but definitely out of the blues.There's no more denying it, the dark warm peacefulness is gone; opening up to a new feeling. A sort of calm, the knowledge of a new beginning is all around you activities occur nothing serious really, nothing synchronized but activities though. Of course in place of the darkness there's a brightness- bold but not yet fierce. Slowly but surely you too join in the activities surrounding you.
These are my simple thoughts those I feel when I just wake up.What do you feel?




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Hi! Welcome to the site!

I'm Irish and I'm gonna review this today :D

So this was interesting! It was clever to use your skills to describe the most confusing in the morning (waking up :lol: )

Saw 2 things:

new awareness-an awakening to be


That confused me, and this could just be me but is it a word because it looks like one. *brain-fart*

gives you a rfude shock


I think you mean "rude"? :wink:

Those are all the things I saw, and both of them are really easy to fix!

But again, really thought provoking! And again welcome! Hope to see you around! Feel free to PM me with any questions :smt003

Keep up the good work!
-Irish :elephant:
I know that you believe you understand what you think I said, but I'm not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant. - Robert McCloskey

Teacher: What do we, in the U.S enjoy from places like Mexico?
Student: Wait, legally?

WARNING: This user carries a spatula.




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Ah! As I was reading this, I was thinking to myself "This person definitely got attacked by the plot bunnies when going to sleep or waking up." And then you said that at the end and... yeah.

Anyway, I thought this was nice. Pretty. But it really doesn't make much sense. Although I'm sure it makes sense to you, it doesn't to the reader. I am guilty of this alll the time, trust me. My advice would be to go over it with fresh eyes, pretend you've never seen it before and see if it still makes perfect sense.

I found a lot of misspellings and misplaced punctuation marks, maybe just typos but I'd go in and clean those up.
And, put a semi colon where that hyphen is "awareness-an"

Your imagery is good, but put a little more cut and dry sentences in it, if the whole piece is nothing but pretty words, there really isn't a lot of substance in the story.

I know this is really long, probably longer than the story, sorry.

It's good though, I liked it. Keep writing. :)

-Jade
--->Don't forget we've got unfinished business. Stories yet to unfold, tales that must be retold.
-Alex Gaskarth




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Very nice. I enjoy how after reading it, and realize your writing about waking up
in the morning and it all makes sense. It's very creative.

I noticed a few things.


Then all of a sudden you realise its fading away.

Realize is misspelled.


One not totally unexpected but definitely out of the blues.There's

I think you mean blue? and space between There's and the punctuation.
These are my simple thoughts those I feel when I just wake up.

Do you mean for a comma to be in between thoughts and those?



Other then that, make sure to space between your sentences correctly. Nothing serious. Mostly just stuff spell check might not have picked up on, that can be easily overlooked.
Good luck!




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realize can be spelled realise. isn't that how they do it in the uk?




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Hi!
This is very interesting. I loved the way you described everything. At first it was a little unclear, but then I realised what it was about. :wink:
A few nitpicks:

Slowly, but surely.


Comma after slowly. :mrgreen:

You know its there but you ignore it, pretend it doesn't exist; then all of a sudden you here a noise' that gives you a rfude shock.


its should be it's (as in it is).
here I suppose you mean hear?
rfude rude :smt001

There's no more denying it, the dark warm peacefulness is gone; opening up to a new feeling. A sort of calm; the knowledge of a new beginning is all around you. Activities occur - nothing serious really, nothing synchronized - but still activities.


I loved this part. However, the second sentence is a bit hard to follow. I put my suggestions in red.

Slowly but surely you too join in the activities surrounding you.


A very nice ending! :)

So, overall, I really love this. It portrays the feelings very well.

Just to clear it up: you did spell realise right. It's the british way of writing it. :smt023

These are my simple thoughts those I feel when I just wake up. What do you feel?


Me, I feel very confused. And pretty much what you wrote! :smt015

Well, hope I helped!

Keep writing!
“Life itself is the most wonderful fairy tale.”

~Hans Christan Andersen




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Thank you all so much for commenting on my work. Will totally work on everything you said.
Actually never had my work looked at before... It's nice to know its actually worth reading.



My humanity is bound up in yours, for we can only be human together.
— Bishop Desmond Tutu