This Old World of Ours...

I think I should set the scene. I don't do poetry. But I recently went on a weekend for methodist schools through a charity that is working towards a better world. And I was walking home the other day and I had this epiphany: we really don't need gadgets and gizmos to be happy. See, I saw this kestral hovering over grassland and then a bunny with a little white tail, and the late-afternoon sun was warming my face and this just came to me as I walked the rest of the journey without my iPod. It felt so special to me that I wanted to share it with you!

Religion is futile.
Why do people debate and fight
Over something so pointless as
Who is right
And wrong?
Where will ‘God’ be when
The Earth cooks and fries?
Where will He be
When there are no lives
For him to be a part of?
The Earth is sick
With a Cancerous disease called Humanity.
Something must be done,
Someone must stand up and say STOP
Before she gives one final cough,
And the flame of life she so delicately cradles
With stiff, pox-riddled fingers
Flickers...
And dies.

Hi,

I think you have an interesting idea here. I'm really interested in your mention of the kestrel and the rabbit. I'd make that the poem instead of what follows, so that it's more showing than telling. Your image;
"And the flame of life she so delicately cradles
With stiff, pox-riddled fingers"
is great so I'd really like to see more of your imagery in a poem with this theme. It might be interesting to try one which focuses a lot on the kestrel and the rabbit and suggests your epiphany through imagery rather than direct pedantic statement, and also one which cuts out direct statements, e.g "Religion is futile," and describes the earth deteriorating.

Hope this helps.

Jas

I can see that you had an ardour topic in mind; religion and the human interaction are common topics yet complex to portray.I believe you should add more imagery to your poems or at least more feeling.Here are some suggestions;by no means am I trying to over right your poem.It had a very nice theme.Keep it up!

Religion is a futile illusion.
Why do people debate andwar
Over something so meaningless as
Who is right
Who's wrong?
Where will ‘God’ be when
The Earth flickers and pies?
Where will He be
When there are no souls
For him to guide?
The Earth is ailing
With a Cancerous disease called Humanity.
Something must be done,
Someone must stand,say STOP
Before she gives one final dance,
And the seed of life she so delicately cradles
With stiff, pox-riddled fingers
Inflames...
And dies.

Wow. This is a strong subject to write about, and I'm glad you did it, because like angel23 mentioned, it's a common topic yet complex to express out. I like the imagery and the choice of words in this poem, especially the last few lines.

I do hope you keep writing, because for someone who doesn't do a lot of poetry, this one's quite well done. Keep up the good work!

Hey! Thanks for the extremely swift reviews! Wow, I am very touched. Just in response to angel23, thanks for the suggestions very much! I do actually quite like some of them. I just wanted to point out that the line "the Earth cooks and fries?" is in reference to global warming. Your suggestion "flickers and pies" therefore confused me somewhat! Sorry if that wasn't clear enough - maybe I can rethink that wording to make that clearer. And as to the final lines, I myself quite liked the analogy with the flame, because you know how once you light a match, you have to be careful in case it suddenly goes out? I think that fits quite nicely with the whole idea of the precarious nature of life; and "cough" because I think that shows how "Humanity" has weakened the Earth and the natural systems etc. Thank you very much anyway, and I especially like the idea of the word "souls"... Might use that, if you don't mind!
~*cottonrulz*~

Hi Cottonrulz! Lilicia here, with my promised review.

Wow. So, I read your poem, and I'm amazed that you're new to writing poetry. This is so powerful, and the ending is very effective.

Who is right
And wrong?

I think it would go better with the rythm if you put: 'And who is wrong?'

Where will ‘God’ be when
The Earth cooks and fries?

I like this, but I'm not sure that the 'when' fits in very well on the first line. I suggest you read through the poem - you'll find that something jars a bit at that point... probably because usually, there'd be comma after 'be'. Maybe move the 'when' to the beginning of the next sentence?

With a Cancerous disease called Humanity.

Great imagary here.

That's all the nitpicks I could find.
If I could suggest anything more... it would be more imagary. You write beautiful images, and I want to see more of them! I want to hear more about your surroundings, more about the rabbit and the kestral. I'd like to see what you saw when writing this, what inspired you. Add that, and this will be extra wonderful!

Overall, a great poem.

Keep writing, and hope I helped!

This was a really great poem, It had a very original form with a not so original theme. In this poem you spoke on a topic that most people dare to speak off. You spoke on more than just a personal feeling or emotion, or an indivisual. You spoke on behalf of humanity and I really appreciate the effort. Most people would have wrote on prior experience's or problems in their indivisual life, instead your poem represents everyone's life. I'll give it four stars. ****

Thanks again! I've actually been inspired to write some more poetry recently... Odd for me, and it's not very good, but I had this weekend about world issues and all of a sudden I can't remember if I've said this (I probably have ) yeah I have... but anyway, I'm feeling rather optimistic, and now it's like if I can just phrase what I'm thinking right, I can help people see what I see. Or something to that effect.
So yeah, thanks very much for the reviews, and I will try to incorporate the kestrel and rabbit thing, because I think it would work (very good ideas ) And Lilicia, I will review your piece! I keep meaning to but something distracts me... mainly the tele lol
~*cottonrulz*~

It's as if the piece is written by two people. I loved the last half, the flickering hand that dies, the last 7 limes are brilliant, haunting, and subtle as one can be. However, the first half doesn't share this flow. It's choppy, heavy handed, almost like a rant. A work that expresses this hopelessness must accel in pulling in both those for and against what it rejects. I Christian, though I can't stand the way most act, but I found I'd stumbled upon another one sided bash here. However, you really captured my attention later amd kept me reading. If you can blend this imagery and sorrow with anger into the first half it will be ace.

I'd cut the explanation at the top. A work shouldn't be explained but able to stand on its own without background, and this does so well enough as is.

Good work.