Tristan and Anna-Chapter One

**Please comment honestly. I really like hearing what others think of my work,and how they believe I can improve. Enjoy!**

Prologue

“Tristan! NO!” I shouted, watching him being torn away in front of me.
“Don’t fret, little darling.” The evil one said, putting his long, grimy finger under my chin. “Don’t touch me!” I screamed. The desperateness in my voice shocked me. I felt as though someone had taken a hammer, opened my chest, and was repeatedly beating my heart. All control I had was gone. The only person that could help was just ripped away. And I had no way of saving him.
Is what society says we are to be afraid of, truly what we are afraid of? Or, is it so close to us, that we over look it? So close and intimate within us, we refuse to search? I was never a person who thought that I could be my own worst enemy. Until the day I made the worst decision of my life, or so I thought it was. . .

Chapter One.
Solitary

It must have been a dream, I thought. Nothing could happen to her. She’s fine. But as my eyes unfogged themselves from their slumber, I realized I was in a cold, white room. I lifted my head up from the armchair’s side and saw that it wasn’t a dream. My Mom truly had been in a car wreck. Her face was bruised and swollen. Tubes and needles were poked inside of her from every angle. Although the steady rising of her chest showed she was breathing, she showed no signs of waking up. This sudden realization hit me with a crushing force. I fell to my knees, hitting the concrete floor with a stinging pain as my hands flew down to catch me. Tears streamed down my face, unable to stop. “Mom. Wake up.” I pleaded. “W-wake u-up!” But no matter what I said, her body showed no movement. How could this happen to me? To her? I can’t live without her. “Don’t leave me Mom!” I fumbled to get up when I heard someone open the room door.

“Are you alright, sweetie?” A nurse asked, grabbing my arm to support me.
“N-no! My Mom is in a coma.” I wanted someone to help her. Cure her.
“All her vitals are good.” She tried to reassure me, but her face was creased with worry.
“When will she wake up?”
“It’s really unsure. Sorry, honey.”
“Does she have any other injuries?”
“She has a broken collar bone, and a fractured shin.” She whispered, getting a needle ready for another round of injections.
“Is there anything I can get you? Do you have someone here with you?”
“No thanks-s. I do, but I don’t know where he is.”
“Well, if your under the age of eighteen, you can’t stay here with no supervision.”
“Okay.” I said indignantly, and turned away from her grip.
“It’s just that we can’t have you as here when your so young still.”
“I know. My Uncle brought me here. He’ll be back.” If my heart hadn’t been completely restricted by the pain of my mom’s state, her repetitive statement would have made me angry.
“Okay.” She said, and left the room.

I walked over to side of the bed and pushed my Mom’s fading blond hair out of her closed eyes. I gazed into her injured, tired face, imagining her ocean colored eyes and her full lips opening to laugh, uncovering each laugh line. Tears were steadily falling down, dripping onto the white hospital blanket. “I love you.” I whispered, and kissed her cheek.
I sat there on the side of her bed for what seemed like hours. I ran the memory of last nights tragedy over and over again through my head. . .

******
“Anna!” MaryAnn called. “Honey, I’m going to get Chinese. You want to come?”
I walked out of my room and onto the first step of the stairs.
“No. But could you get the noodles?” I asked, clasping my hands into a prayer position.
“Sure.” She had walked over to the bottom step of the stairs, and was holding a clear, plastic bag from her littlest finger, grinning sheepishly.
“Mom, what is that?” I grabbed the bag from her. Inside was a violet colored silky dress.
“Do you like it?” She asked, jumping up and down like a child.
“You know I hate dresses. And I’m not going to prom.” I shoved the dress back into the bag and threw it on the kitchen table.
“Anna. Come on now. You’ll have so much fun. You never do anything. Your practically older than me.”
“It’s just the way I am.” I jumped up onto the counter, a started to munch on crackers.
“Fine. Just think about it. I don’t want you to miss out on this. It’s a once in a lifetime experience.” She was throwing her rain coat on, and fumbled around the kitchen looking for something.
“Mom.” I hopped down off the counter and grabbed the keys that were hiding under the newspaper and gave them to her. “You go then.”
“I would if I could.” She laughed, and shut the front door behind her.

Instead of going back upstairs, I lounged on the sofa. I could see the gray, rain filled sky, and the blurry streaks of red being made by passing car headlights, and the droplets of water splashing into puddles through the window. No matter where you went in Arkansas, the weather would be unpredictable. Just yesterday it was hot and sunny.

Suddenly, I heard the door slam shut, and a man yelling my name. I realized I had fallen asleep on the couch.
“Anna! Come, on!” I recognized the voice as my Uncle Jade.
“What?” I asked lazily.
“She’s fine-but your Mom was in a car accident. Hurry up. Get your jacket on.”
My heart shattered into a million pieces. The pain of feeling totally helpless seared through every part of my body. Without processing it, I was tugging on my jacket, and running after my Uncle faster than I thought was possible. We were in his Jeep, and he was driving very fast.
“Where is she?” I asked, noticing that I was crying.
“She’s at Park Medical Center. She’s doing fine right now, but I want to get back. She’s not waking up.”
His words raced across my mind, stabbing me with every syllable.
‘She’s not waking up.’
“What does that mean?” I asked, as he quickly sucked in a deep breath.
“She may be in a coma. But they said that is normal when you have had a tragic experience because it’s the way the brain can help protect itself.”
“Will she wake up?”
“They assume she will once her body has time to work over what just happened.”

He pulled into the hospital parking lot, and held onto my shoulder as we walked over the road like he used to; when I was a child. “The stairs.” He said, and held the door open for me. As I looked up into his face, tears raced once again down mine. His eyes were red, and his lips were pulled into a straight line. I could tell he was in deep pain.
We raced up the stairs. Him being taller, I had to take two at a time to keep up. As we reached the third landing, the air was cold, and the harsh environment of illness seeped up around me, pulling me deeper into a state of depression. Uncle Jade was asking each nurse how my Mom was. I stood there surrounded by people, but feeling completely alone.

“Anna. You can sit right over there.” Uncle Jade said, pointing to a gray leather seat in the corner.
“No! I want to see her!” I yelled, refusing to be treated like a child. I was going to be there for my Mom. I always have been.
“Anna. Listen to me.” He placed both his hands on my shoulders. “Your Mom is not in good condition right now. I will let you know as soon as you can see her.”
“No, Uncle Jade! I do not want to be treated like a child! I am her daughter.” I shrugged out from under his hold, and ran through the wooden double doors. The room was filled with injured people. My legs were unable to move as I heard various patients screaming-whether in pain or not-I didn’t know. I could smell copper and rust, which I had learned to translate into blood. I covered my mouth, hoping to restrict the smell, as I scanned the silver metal beds for a familiar face. I had just glimpsed at what I thought was her blond hair, when a young, male nurse grabbed my arm.

“You can’t be in here.” He said. He grabbed my arm sternly and steered me back through the doors. Uncle Jade was standing right in front of the doors, apparently arguing with someone.
“Anna!” He said, and turned away from who I now realized was a nurse.
As I saw him come closer to me with his arms open, all control was lost.
I fell into his embracing arms and cried as hard as I could. He picked me up, and brought me over to the gray, leather chair. We sat there through the night, until finally I fell asleep.

******
I was brought back to consciousness when our private room door opened once more. Anger flew through me at the thought of the nurse. But it was Uncle Jade.

“Brought you lunch.” He said, holding up a plastic white container.
“I didn’t realize it was so late.” I grabbed the food and fell into the armchair I woke up in.
“Yeah, well-I didn’t want to wake you. It was a tough night.” He handed me a bottle of water and sat down in the chair next to mine. As I swallowed the water, I realized how thirsty I was. Uncle Jade glanced nervously at me, then back to his own food.
“Uncle Jade?” I asked, after my throat was satisfied. “Do you know how the wreck happened?”
“Not exactly.” He took a break to pop what I noticed was an aspirin. “I was at work, and the police called me. And told me MaryAnn ha-had been in a wreck and the ambulance was driving her here.” His eyes were glazed, from the swelling of tears.
“Oh.” Was all I managed to say.

After I finished my lunch, I went into the bathroom. I tried to avoid the mirror, but since it was right at my height, and plastered right in front of me, it was inevitable. My long, curly, black hair was in visible knots, my face was half black due to mascara, and my skin was red and blotchy. I splashed water onto my face, and tried to scrub off black streaks. I gave up on that.

“Anna.” Uncle Jade called through the door.
“Yes?” I answered resting my head in my wet hands.
“You are free to stay here longer, but. .your Mom is fine right now, and you do have graduation tomorrow.” I had completely forgotten about that. I feared, as he obviously feared too, that telling me was going to start another round of crying. Fortunately, my tear ducts seemed to be out of water. I thought about going to graduation, and not having my Mom. All the other seniors would have both their parents, but I would have none. Since my Dad had run off when I was born, and now my Mom was in coma, I was starting to really get jipped when it came to parents.
“Yeah. I guess it would be best to go on home.”

The drive home was quiet and nothing like my last ride in his Jeep. I faded in and out of sleep, watching the rain droplets fall on the windshield. When we pulled into the driveway, I stared at the two story, yellow house. The wilting flower beds, that MaryAnn had planted when she happened to see a flower advertising commercial on TV, the stone walkway, that she had bribed Uncle Jade to do for her when I had slipped on wet grass, and the white mailbox with flowers painted on the side when I was wanting to be an artist, were all reminders of my happy childhood. I only hoped that last few years of my ‘childhood’ would as happy. I frowned to myself. It was unlikely.

“Anna. Listen to me.” Uncle Jade said, capturing my attention. I had a slight feeling he had already been talking to me.
“Keep the doors locked at all times. Do not come outside unless I’m here and keep a listen for the phone.”
“Alright.” I jumped out of his Jeep. “Where will you be?”
“I’m going to head back up to the hospital.”
“Call me with any information.”
“I will. Don’t worry. Everything will be alright.” I held back a snort of disgust. That was a bold faced lie.
“Bye.” I slammed the car door and prepared myself for solitary.

Wow..okay. So, how did it end up looking like this?

This is very real. Like it actually happened. To be honest it's a bit scary for me, the way you describe everything is so real it makes me wonder if this could happen to me- but don't change that! It's really good. The only suggestion I can make is maybe Anna could be more emotional. The readers need to feel her pain, you know?
Good luck and keep writing!

Hi, and welcome to YWS! You haven't posted in Welcome yet; even if you've already read the rules, it's a good place to refresh your memory - specifically on the 3:1 ratio of 3 reviews to 1 piece of writing posted. You're new, so you get away with it this time ( ), but in future try to review three other pieces before you post.

I'll give you a tip before I start reviewing. Post your work in shorter sections. There's a recommended 1700 word maximum. Any longer, and reviewers get bored. About 1000 words will garner you a lot of reviewers.

Prologue

First things first, and that's dialogue punctuation. Please click here for a great article on the rules of dialogue grammar and punctuation, but for now I'll just correct your mistake.

“Don’t fret, little darling,” the evil one said

You see that "the evil one said" is not capitalised, because it's still part of the same sentence as the dialogue, despite not being in speech marks. I don't know whether the full stop you wrote was just a typo, but thought I'd point it out and explain just in case.

Moving on, anyway. Just a little nitpick: why the "evil one"? It's very clichéd and has the effect of being almost funny rather than scary, so maybe you should try and rephrase it somehow.

The whole prologue feels a bit random, to be honest, and unnecessary. I think you should step back and consider whether this adds anything to your writing. The part about society, especially, feels forced, as if you just wanted to get it down on paper at some point, since it's totally out of place it this prologue. If it's going to be revealed later, I'd just leave it until later. You're more likely to confuse the reader with details they don't need to learn now; that in itself can be off-putting, but even worse is when the reader forms preconceptions about what's going to happen and if they find that those aren't fulfilled, it can leave them feeling less than happy with your book. So, in conclusion, I'd say cut the prologue unless you feel it really helps later on.

Chapter 1

Dialogue again. You need to sort that punctuation out! Generally, you also start a new paragraph for dialogue, too, so make sure you're doing so in your writing. The formatting is all a bit off, with there being full stops in the middle of sentences and a couple of typos. Read aloud and you'll catch it all.

Pretty Crazy is right about the emotion here. There's a distinct lack of it. Anna's almost lost her mother, so where are the tears? We have them, I suppose, but you don't describe anything fully.

My heart shattered into a million pieces. The pain of feeling totally helpless seared through every part of my body.

This isn't showing us the pain; this is telling us about it. The "heart shattering into a million pieces" is a cliché, meaning that it doesn't bring anything to the writing in terms of emotion. In order to improve on this, you need to work on your imagery - that means some painful metaphors to describe the situation - and your sentence structure, so we don't have just two straight sentences telling us exactly what happens. When you're describing emotion, you can't really afford to have simple sentences with just an action. What is this pain of feeling totally helpless? Is it a tugging at her heart? Is it something tangible? Is it akin to being trapped? Describe it. Show us what it means.

There's lots of talk about pain: her uncle's in "deep pain", the patients are "in pain"... there's a bit of an overuse of the word. Describe it, and you won't have this problem.

You have a lot of weird sentences, too. I suggest you read this aloud to try and catch them all, but I'll give you an example to speed you on your way.

As I saw him come closer to me with his arms open, all control was lost.

Try to avoid using the passive voice - that's when you say "the battle was lost due to me" instead of "I lost the battle". Which is easier? You could easily have said, "I lost all control." That's simpler and makes more sense to us. So look out for constructions like that, and also for things like this.

I covered my mouth, hoping to restrict the smell,

"Restrict" the smell sounds odd and throws the flow off. Out of interest, why would your character cover their mouth trying to "restrict" the smell? It seems weird.

Awkwardness extends to dialogue, as well, if we look at this example:

“No, Uncle Jade! I do not want to be treated like a child! I am her daughter.”

There are quite a few problems I have with this sentence in particular. I know it looks like I've just attacked one sentence below, but you should apply these ideas throughout your dialogue. That's why I've done it, just to highlight those things.

"No, Uncle Jade!" This sounds melodramatic, which is something you
should avoid in a piece which is already pretty dramatic as it is. Keep it simpler.

I do not want to be treated like a child! Aside from the obvious irony here - your character is asking to be treated like an adult whilst having a tantrum, which reduces any chance the reader has to sympathise with your character - you have the no contractions problem. This is when you include "do not" for "don't" and "will not" for "won't". It's awkward enough in prose, but in dialogue it's pretty bad. Contractions aren't to be avoided. Use them.

I am her daughter." Same here with contractions, but this feels unnecessary. Would you really say this? It's like something out of a fantasy film. Maybe "She's my mum" would be tolerable here, but it should be said weakly, rather than with this pride we infer from your character at the moment. Again, it doesn't invite sympathy. Make sure your dialogue is realistic.

I only hoped that last few years of my ‘childhood’ would as happy. I frowned to myself. It was unlikely.

I don't understand this, see. The whole "coma" thing was underplayed. A coma is a serious issue, and yet the lack of emotion and lack of reaction - their going home - suggests that it wasn't as big a problem as all that. I avoid writing about anything medical because you have to do research, especially with comas, because they're overused in fiction and can be melodramatic if not researched properly.

Anyway, the quote: Anna doesn't seem to have been given any indication of the severity of her mother's condition, nor reacted to it, so why is she suggesting that her life will be unhappy? Is this the sort of coma that's going to last a few days, a few weeks, years, or is there no indication? Isn't she hoping? Has it been announced without my knowledge? With a plot as delicate as this, you have to be exact.

Minor Issues

A few minor things bothered me here. Why is her uncle called Jade? I understand that it can be used as a guy's name, but it draws attention to itself and you don't want your names to distract use from the story. Why not use something like Jaden/Jayden, or Jude? They aren't quite so rare and won't stand out.

I could smell copper and rust, which I had learned to translate into blood.

Why does your character take apart the chemical components of blood before coming to the conclusion that it's blood? That's really odd. Surely you learn the smell of blood before you learn the chemical structure?

Why does MaryAnn - also, I think that should be Mary Ann, or Mary-Ann, or something - drive to get Chinese, rather than walk? I just assume that she wouldn't make the effort to drive for a takeaway. It seems off.

Why do the characters refer to the car crash as a "wreck"? Is this something to do with where you're from? I'm English, and I know we wouldn't call it that unless in a newspaper article - as in "car wreck" - whilst trying to find a synonym for crash. Just wondering.

Why does Anna call her mother Mary Ann and not Mom/Mum? Again, just a technicality that I thought was rather odd.

“Uncle Jade?” I asked, after my throat was satisfied. “Do you know how the wreck happened?”

“Not exactly.” He took a break to pop what I noticed was an aspirin. “I was at work, and the police called me. And told me MaryAnn ha-had been in a wreck and the ambulance was driving her here.” His eyes were glazed, from the swelling of tears.

This whole section seems unnecessary. Basically, Uncle Jade's reply should have been "no", because Anna asks how the crash happened. Jade merely tells her that her mother was in a crash, and he was called about it, which she obviously already knows. He should answer the question, or just shake his head and be done with it.

Overall

Sorry my review was so rambly. I think this needs some work. You should proof-read: read aloud, and correct your punctuation on the dialogue. If you can't follow the article, or you need some help, PM me or use Google to find some more information. Reading aloud will also help catch those awkward sentences you've got.

I'd watch out with the coma idea. You need to make sure you have your facts right, and then have your characters react to them properly, with emotion. It's difficult, but if you get the balance right, this could be very good. Keep writing, and good luck.

Wow, this was pretty good! Jetpack seems to have covered a lot (especially grammer) so I'll just go to what I thought.

This was very relatable. I understand your characters and the situations and everything. The only thing is...you go from everything being normal and the mom just leaving to car crash. It seemed a little fast to me. (almost like mom had no time to have actually gotten anywhere before Anna would find out about the crash). But that can be easily fixed.

Another thing I noticed is that a few times you didn't do dialogue correctly. Everytime you have a new speaker, you start a new paragraph (I noticed this in the progolue).

Anna seemed a bit off on her emotions as well. I think she should have reacted with a bit more emotion that she did, and maybe differently. I don't know. And the whole coma thing (as Jetpack said) you may want to research. Having the facts of things like that straight is very important. Also, think through exactly how her car crash happened (even if you never tell the reader) it will help you figure out exactly how she will be injured.

Anyways, good job! Can't wait to read more!

Keep writing!

-Lauren

P.S. If you were confused, when you post a story the spacing and indentations are done automatically, the only thing you have to do is add in bold/italics/whatevers.

I think this is a great beginning to a story. I have a few comments. First, I found the prologue to be a bit jolting, and slightly cliche. Like was earlier suggested I would consider what it adds to your piece and if it has the desired effect.

I loved some of your detail in the piece, an expansion of some of this detail would make the piece better. With the metaphors and similes, try to think of more original ones that really fit the mood and meaning of what you want to get across.

Just a few points of order; at points the formatting of the dialogue was distracting, but I think that can be easily fixed, and has been touched on by other reviewers. (Trust me, I have major problems with dialogue formatting as well) Also there was one sentence, that really jolted me out of the experience, so to speak, of the piece.

He pulled into the hospital parking lot, and held onto my shoulder as we walked over the road like he used to; when I was a child.

When I originally read this I got the impression that the uncle used to walk Anna across the road as a child, but I am sure you meant that Uncle Jade held onto her shoulder as a child. Really just a simple case of a misplaced modifier.

One thing that I think would really help clarify, and enhance your chapter for the reader, would be more detail with setting. I was slightly confused by the "wooden double doors" Anna went through, and the "private room" which Anna was in the next morning. A few more details and a couple transitional sentences would really help.

Overall, I enjoyed reading your chapter, and I look forward to reading the others. I think that the inclusion of selected details will create a more immersive experience for the reader. Keep Writing!

Major thank you for taking the time to review my chapter! I am definitely going to go through it and correct some things. But I was wondering, does anyone think I should keep this chapter and just spruce it up a bit, or should I write a new chapter entirely? Also, does anyone think that I should show more background with Anna's mom or jump ahead a few months? Let me know what you think!

Hey again.

I don't think you have to show more background on Anna's mum, but to know it would improve your writing. As Lauren said, work out the detail behind the car crash and her injury, and even if it doesn't all become apparent because you're writing in first person, you can use it. Maybe Anna overhears the end of a conversation between nurses, or maybe she just describes the injury as she sees it. I think it's too vague here, but not so that you have to write more chapters on this. Just add some more detail into the one you've got.

And as for cutting the chapter and restarting, you can do that if it's easier for you. There's certainly no necessity, because the errors you made and issues everyone brought up can be toyed with in editing, but I know some people find that hard. Just know that with this chapter, you have a basis that people like and have shown you how to correct. If you restart it, it's likely that you'll end up with something very different that people still like, but it might have a whole host of other problems, different from the first, that you'll have to sort through over again.

The only part I'd actually say cut is the prologue, but I think I went over that in my previous review.