Shadow Flight: un-retirement chapter two: Infiltration

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The second and hopefully better part of Shadow Flight: Un-retirement. All tips and comments welcome.

Note: I am going to remake the series so far when I get chance. This will most likely be in the gap between the end of Dragon Marked and the beginning of A Dark Hero. I have improved a lot since starting SF, so hopefully they will be a lot better.

Shadow Flight: Un-retirement

Chapter one: Briefinghttp://www.youngwriterssociety.com/post613666.html#p613666

Chapter two: Infiltration

Chapter three: Truthhttp://www.youngwriterssociety.com/topic53998.html

Chapter four: Dule http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/topic54414.html

Zomak, smiled lightly and pulled out a small blue plastic case no bigger than a container for a pair of earplugs, then slid them across the table to me. I tipped the contents into my hand. Two small casuals one red the other blue; they looked very much like earplugs with a needle on one end and a small cylinder capsule on the other. One was for my ear and one for my tongue. I lined up the blue one with the side of my ear stabbed it in quickly and crushed the capsule end. The stinging sensation was immense; extremely immense would be more accurate. My earpiece got injected into the sanative flesh of my ear through the needle; I bit down on my tongue fiercely drawing a little blood to numb down the pain. I loathed putting the communications devices in but at least they were almost impossible to spot, and it directly stimulated my eardrum so only I could hear it. I repeated the same method with the other, except this time I injected it into my tongue and clenched a fist tightly to numb down the pain.

The doctor stood, and walked over to me I stood knowing he was going to ask me to follow him. Then there was a black flash and I was standing in the middle of a small road going through open fields and into a city everything had just gone from my mind.

“Were am I?” I asked myself.

Looking around bewildered by what had happened. It was just lush open fields and the odd tree here and there. I tried casting my mind back but remembered nothing. I looked forwards there was a city sprawling out in front of me, less than ten paces away. The buildings closest to me were houses they had to be less than three years old, but held an unsettling silence around them that felt like it had lingered there for generations. I guessed it was early afternoon from the position of the sun. I took two steps towards the city as if pulled in by some temptation some desire. I felt something on my back I swung it round to my front; a P90 hung on a strap I shouldered it again also I was wearing a combat belt holding P90 clips, an M9 pistol, clips for it and a small silver PDA I got out the PDA and flicked through it there was nothing in it. I put it way and walked into the city confidently, but somehow bewildered.

An eerie silence veiled the city; you could feel it from the moment you stepped into the grey streets, they were almost abandoned apart from the odd passer by who eyed me up and down nervously. I was thinking of asking one what was going on. I began to walk towards her a human girl about twenty-one, she had long flowing blond hair, flawless blue eyes and smooth looking skin. As I did she took one look at me, or more like one look at my gun and dashed off without a second thought.

I looked down a street to my right, and then I saw it. Huge tall as a small block of flats sprawled out it was a leviathan of a building concrete with no windows going on for what felt like miles, and then a huge cooling tower stretching its vase like neck up into the sky, and yet only one visible entrance; a large shutter door that looked like the door to a loading bay. How could I have missed it in the first place? I knew this was only a small part of the building, but it was big enough for whatever was going on. Three humans were outside; they wore balaclavas, black bulletproof vests, thick plan black pants and thick military leather boots each carrying AK47s. Two more on the roof in the same dress but they carried RPG-7s. One guard near the door made a slight indication towards me the others turned to face me and pulled up their weapons.

A high-pitched beep sound filled my ear. I slammed my hand against it but it did no good then it ceased, over as soon as it had come. I remembered everything the briefing, then hypnotherapy and finally a helicopter flight. After a moment I smiled a cunning smile to myself and slowly approached; keeping my hands in sight to show them I meant no harm.

“Get lost!” One guard ordered he had a thick Russian accent.

“I see they didn’t tell you of my arrival…” I said slowly in a low, cunning and almost evil sounding voice. They lowered their weapons slightly.

“If they did want you here what is the bosses name?” the same guard asked. I had no idea what it could be but came up with a response.

“I thought soldiers were smart enough not to ask questions now let me through before I call up the boss” I ordered in the same fake voice holding up my PDA. The guards all flinched and looked at each other.

“Please don’t I’m only just getting my hearing back from the last mess-up go on through” the guard replied timidly. He stepped aside letting me through.

“Good man” I said, then walked past into a huge loading bay.

“Hook, line and sinker” I thought to myself smiling. The room was totally white and empty; apart from a door in the left wall. I hurried towards it and threw it open and almost shouted in surprise at what I saw. A slim cyan dragoness also a member of Shadow Flight, I had trained her and knew her well.

“Ayama, what are you doing here?” I asked.

“Karanic! Hello they told me I would have backup but I didn’t expect you” she replied.

“I wasn’t told anything,” I said.

“Karanic, I know this isn’t the best time but I need to tell you something…can I?” she asked. I nodded.

“I love you” she began.

“Kiss me,” She continued attempting to hug me. I pushed her away with my left hand.

“Ayama, mission first talk later” I ordered.

“No Karanic, kiss me!” she shouted almost jumping on me. I shoved her away with both hands. There was a pause.

“Hey smart guy” a strong, masculine voice whispered in my ear. I looked over my shoulder to see the orange dragon from the photo standing right behind me.

“I’m Rage, nice to meet you!” he exclaimed throwing a punch at me; I caught it but the force of the hit knocked my to the floor winding me. I gasped heavily trying to get my breath back. Rage stood over me.

“My power is super strength don’t worry I will be gentle” he said laughing. Then landed a punch in my face. I fell unconscious I didn’t even feel the impact it was that strong.

I woke some time later to the sound of water. I opened my eyes to find I was in a glass box, and if that wasn’t enough it was filled almost to the brim with water, just enough space for me to tread water upright. I immediately started to do so. As I did I saw what was outside, I was still in the same loading bay type room but now there were three dragons there Sight, a black dragon and a cyan dragon.

“Hello Karanic, I’m Midnight, the leader of our little…group. Sight, you already know or should I say Ayama?” the black dragon began. I could barely hear him through the thick glass. He gestured at the cyan dragon.

“This is Moonlight, the smart guy and the one who made this box you are in right now. I will let him explain it to you.” he continued as he and sight walked out of the room.

“Ok there is a key on the floor, but even the slightest pressure detected on the floor releases an electrical current; nine thousand volts to be exact.” Moonlight began “Above you are three locks, get the key then unlock one of them and get out; however two of the locks will activate the floor the other one will let you out. I would estimate you could tread water for…seven hours max before you sink. Get to work.” Then he turned and left the room, in the same direction as Midnight and Sight with a slight smile of accomplishment on his face.

“This is just brilliant!” I shouted enraged. I looked down and there was the key, I looked up and there were the locks.

“Karanic, I think this guy has been watching too many of the Death game movies remember, third victim second movie this was it its inescapable; if you try and pick up the key you will only activate the floor. I will send in more guys hopefully you wont drown before they can get you out hold on!” Zomac, shouted through my earpiece.

“Oh boy today just gets batter and better!” I replied enraged. Suddenly terror griped me when I realised what had just been said. This was a replica of one of the traps in the Death game movies. Logically it was inescapable I had watched the movies three times already.

“No that was the movies there must be a way” I reassured myself weakly. But if this was the same as the movies it could all be over for me; also how would I know if all three locks would result in me getting killed?

Now all I could do was: think things over wait and pray, also the timer for the demands being met was still ticking.
Last edited by Stealth_Slicer on Sun Jan 03, 2010 3:43 pm, edited 3 times in total.




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I'm not going to do a huge review like last time, just mention a few things you could improve on. The grammar still needs a lot of work, though I would say it's better in this part; your main problem is separating the clauses and knowing which should be in a new sentence or after a comma. But please don't be discouraged by all the grammar stuff - I'm being cruel to be kind, it's a great story and it's just a necessary part of writing everyone has to learn to grasp at some point. I can tell you have a huge imagination and a great story, it's just putting the words you've written into a more comprehensible order so that your audience can understand what you're saying better.

Besides that, my comment for this chapter would be that everything happens a bit too fast and you need to explain in more detail what's going on. From about where he sees Ayama everything gets really confusing and the events which should probably take a couple of pages end up in a couple of paragraphs. Just give us some information on who Ayama is, what her relationship is to Karanic, why she's suddenly telling him she loves him... Then you need to give us some of Karanic's thoughts while he's trapped.

The stinging sensation was immense; extremely immense would be more accurate.

You really don't need the second part of that sentence, it's fine without.

Looking around bewildered by what had happened. It was just lush open fields and the odd tree here and there.

You've changed tenses here: the first sentence is present tense. You need to either change it to past or put a comma between the two sentences.

A high-pitched beep sound filled my ear. I slammed my hand against it but it did no good then it ceased, over as soon as it had come.

It's unclear what the 'it' is in this sentence. You can't slam your hand against a beep.

“Karanic, I think this guy has been watching too many of the Death game movies remember, third victim second movie this was it its inescapable; if you try and pick up the key you will only activate the floor.

This idea works much better if you talk more about the films, give them more significance, or it just seems a random thing to do. So put some background behind the 'Death Game' thing.

On the whole, a really exciting chapter which I enjoyed and am looking forward to reading the next part of.
"What if, doctor, we need these knots and these tangles because they're the only things holding our souls down - and if we untied the knots and untangled the tangles and stretched them out ... would our souls just float away?"
~Luke Kennard, A Practical Course in Entry Level Expressionism




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fhwdf wrote:I'm not going to do a huge review like last time, just mention a few things you could improve on. The grammar still needs a lot of work, though I would say it's better in this part; your main problem is separating the clauses and knowing which should be in a new sentence or after a comma. But please don't be discouraged by all the grammar stuff - I'm being cruel to be kind, it's a great story and it's just a necessary part of writing everyone has to learn to grasp at some point. I can tell you have a huge imagination and a great story, it's just putting the words you've written into a more comprehensible order so that your audience can understand what you're saying better.

Besides that, my comment for this chapter would be that everything happens a bit too fast and you need to explain in more detail what's going on. From about where he sees Ayama everything gets really confusing and the events which should probably take a couple of pages end up in a couple of paragraphs. Just give us some information on who Ayama is, what her relationship is to Karanic, why she's suddenly telling him she loves him... Then you need to give us some of Karanic's thoughts while he's trapped.

The stinging sensation was immense; extremely immense would be more accurate.

You really don't need the second part of that sentence, it's fine without.

Looking around bewildered by what had happened. It was just lush open fields and the odd tree here and there.

You've changed tenses here: the first sentence is present tense. You need to either change it to past or put a comma between the two sentences.

A high-pitched beep sound filled my ear. I slammed my hand against it but it did no good then it ceased, over as soon as it had come.

It's unclear what the 'it' is in this sentence. You can't slam your hand against a beep.

“Karanic, I think this guy has been watching too many of the Death game movies remember, third victim second movie this was it its inescapable; if you try and pick up the key you will only activate the floor.

This idea works much better if you talk more about the films, give them more significance, or it just seems a random thing to do. So put some background behind the 'Death Game' thing.

On the whole, a really exciting chapter which I enjoyed and am looking forward to reading the next part of.


Ok thanks for that. Unfortunately I try to keep myself to about a 1500 word limit so what I wanted to put in about Death Game I cut. On to the beep part, the “it” in the sentence was meaning his ear but yes I see how it could easily be interpreted in a way I didn’t want it to be. One final think the Death Game movies do become more significant a little later on. Hopefully I will be able to keep improving in part three.

All the best.




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Sorry my comp has broken and I don’t know when it will be fixed. I can’t give an accurate estimate to when part three will be up. Hopefully with luck I will have improved again...

All the best.




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Hi Stealth,

I'm not sure if you read my review of your previous chapter. There's always a risk with forums that you're throwing your reviews into a black hole where they'll never be read. But I'm learning a few things, so I'll keep going.

Overall, I'm still liking the ideas (the needle earplugs are cool) more than the execution, and still looking for more emotion. For example, when the protagonist finds himself standing outside the city with absolutely no memory of what happened - why does he go in? "As if pulled in by some temptation some desire" is not a real motivation. What is it? Curiosity about what's inside? Fear of what might happen to him if he stays? He must be feeling something. Without emotion, I feel nothing as a reader, and I end up thinking that the character actions are unmotivated and illogical.

One new and consistent problem I noticed in this chapter is how easy everything is for the protagonist. There is no security whatsoever. No challenge for him to overcome. Nothing. He's already fully armed, he makes an extremely unconvincing comment to the guards and holds up a PDA (is this like some kind of secret sign? people who have electronic equipment are automatically trustworthy and in charge?) and the guards just let him through. This leaves me feeling that the security is a total joke.

I totally get that you want to show that your protagonist is a badass. I want you to show that your protagonist is a badass. But for him to be a badass, he needs to face and overcome real challenges. Not guards that he can say "I'm totally the boss of you!" and they'll just go "Yes sir!" without any proof or evidence whatsoever. It needs to be convincing and difficult and real.

This same problem recurred when the bad guys set up an elaborate trap for him. This seems on the surface to be difficult, but in fact, the bad guys are still acting illogically to make things easy for the protagonist. They could just shoot him at any moment - from my perspective, there's absolutely no reason why they didn't do that at the beginning. So every moment that he survives is a gift from the author, with no reason behind it, and it's a gift that he didn't earn or deserve. Once again, I felt jarred out of the narrative by the easiness.

At the moment, it feels like you accidentally set the difficulty level to Super Easy. Any newbie can win the game on Super Easy. If you want to show off how awesome you are, you need to play the game on Hard.

A few final comments:

    Why are all woman in fantasy ridiculously attractive? There seem to be no ugly or even plain women in fantasy - all female characters look like models.

    The gun paragraph needs more convincing tactile and sensory details, I think. Show me the feel, of the guns, the weight, the smell, etc. I'd like to feel the heft of the weapon in my hand.

    I'm not following why the protagonist is deliberately mind-wiped to protect him from enemy psychics, but then they make him remember when he's still at risk from psychics.

Again, take what you find helpful and discard the rest.

Hope this helped.

Cheers,
Karsten




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Karsten wrote:Hi Stealth,

I'm not sure if you read my review of your previous chapter. There's always a risk with forums that you're throwing your reviews into a black hole where they'll never be read. But I'm learning a few things, so I'll keep going.



I did read it but unfortunately it was posted after chapter two was already up so I couldn’t do anything about it in chapter two. Also I have some good news I’m back my computer is fixed. Chapter three will be up some time soon and I aim to please several points in chapter three.

All the best.

P.S. I hope you don’t feel that your review went to waste because it didn’t.




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One last thing, I have decided to change and I am cutting out Death Game. Originally Moonlight began to go mad as he got smarter and smarter he kept getting more associated with Death Game and eventually goes totally insane but I have axed that idea so everything about Death game can be ignored. I did this mainly for more space and so I could go into more depth ect.




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Stealth_Slicer wrote:I did read it but unfortunately it was posted after chapter two was already up so I couldn’t do anything about it in chapter two. Also I have some good news I’m back my computer is fixed. Chapter three will be up some time soon and I aim to please several points in chapter three.

All the best.

P.S. I hope you don’t feel that your review went to waste because it didn’t.


Thanks, Stealth. Often when I review somebody there's just silence - I never know if they found my review unhelpful, if they even read it, if they've stopped checking the thread, if they're not working on that piece any more ... So I'm happy to hear that you did read it. :)




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I was thinking the same thing about why females in fantasy stories are exaggeratedly gorgeous. But, to cover for that you can say something how laws have been passed in the society where the story is set that pretty much demand that people eat and live healthy life styles. Could they possibly be find if they are overweight, unless by some disease that they have, (like a thyroid condition, those people and a few others are exempt from the law). Naturally a healthier life style would make a person look better.
At least that's how I concealed the fact that two characters in a book I'm doing are so beautiful. It's set in the future so I found it a possibility, after all I'm pretty sure politicians don't like the fact that America is considered the fattest country in the world. Or any country for that matter. Over all I like the way your story is going. Obviously your grammar could still use work. About your terrorists though, they seemed to be the dopey-est bunch of goons. I mean really, does the boss really station these guys to patrol the perimeter and expect them to just lolly gag? You could make them seem a little more sinister. A way is by hinting that they are still suspicious of the protagonist even as they let him in.
This could add a psychological suspense element where it's like, "Oh my gosh are they going to radio the boss and say, "Your visitor is on his way to see you."
The boss saying, "What! I'm not expecting anybody today!"
Oh my gosh mission compromised! But sadly there was none of that in this piece. I'll still read your next part though. Another note, the whole being captured thing and put in a glass tank could have gone a lot smoother. Another point I want to hit on that part is that the protagonists seems sort of like he could care less that he was in a death trap. The death trap sort of reminds me of the SAW franchise, "I want to play a little game!" he he, just a little lame joke there.
Great entertaining read so far though. And that's what a book should be.

-Adrian
"Jesus said to her, “I am the resurrection and the life. The one who believes in me will live, even though they die; and whoever lives by believing in me will never die. Do you believe this?”
-John 11:25-26



More than anything she wanted the world to be uncomplicated, for right and wrong to be as easily divided as the black and white sections of an Oreo. But the world was not a cookie.
— Roshani Chokshi, Aru Shah and the Tree of Wishes