T.

So I made a mistake;
granted I know.
The hardest thing I've ever done;
losing you.

I remember the way
your arms caressed me.
They held me close as I slept.
Encircling me as I thought
of all the stress
that never seemed to end.

So I thought that it would be better,
if we were apart.
How I made that mistake
I don't know.
I guess one day my mind wandered
further than it could handle,
it hasn't truly returned.

I remember the day,
you told me you'd love me forever.
The days you'd ask me to stay yours.
How I went astray,
I don't know.

I think of your lips,
pressed close to mine.
How they formed together;
the two of us creating
a two-piece puzzle.

I recall the days,
you'd be away.
I'd hug your shirt close
and wait for you to return.
I suppose in some ways not much
different than today..

I dream of the day
you'll forgive me for my mistake.
Taking my hand in yours
and bringing it to your lips.
You'll smile as you kiss me.
Telling me it'll be alright.
I dream of the day
you'll love me again.

Until then I wait;
alone and scared.
The others no longer matter,
I truly don't care.

How I made that mistake,
I really don't know.

hello! dancingclouds here!
i really enjoyed reading your poem. it had a lovely flow to it and was easy to read. i love the opening paragraph it really entices the reader into the poem, underlining and bolding are usually a no no for me in poems but you have done it well and i actually like it! .
well done and good luck!

hey there!
Um, I actually disagree with dancingclouds on the underlining/italics thing. Every time I hit either one of them I had to scowl and think, "Seriously?" before I went on. It's distracting.
There was one thing I really loved about this poem: the bit about the two-piece puzzle. I thought it was original, creative and compelling. And one thing I will say is that it was a different take on the "I want you back" poem. But besides that, I don't have very much positive to say.
I do have a bit of advice. Instead of telling the person all these things, describe them to the reader. Instead of saying, "I remember the way your arms caressed me. They held me tight as I slept. Enclircling me as I thought of all the stress that never seemed to end," try something like this:
We lay together, she and I,
Her arms around me,
Smelling of gardenia and rose;
But I was adrift in some other sea,
Weathering other storms.

Try phrasing the poem more like a poem, instead of an answering machine message with line breaks.
Good luck!
--Aussie

Hi!

One thing I liked about the poem was that the message was clear. There was nothing ambiguous about your meaning. But maybe it was too clear; at times you were just stating things, and that's not super poetic. Work on using images and metaphors and all that good stuff to get your meaning across, rather than just telling us "she left and now I'm sad". One place where you did use images really effectively was this part:

think of your lips,
pressed close to mine.
How they formed together;
the two of us creating
a two-piece puzzle.

Great image of the puzzle. I also liked the sort-of zooming in on the lips.

I agree with Aussie that the bold/italicized stuff should be ditched. The poem doesn't need it, it's distracting, and it's better to rely on the words themselves for emphasis most of the time, anyway.

One other critique: the poem is too long. Two ways to fix that: make it shorter or make it more complex. Add more layers, more complicated feelings. Give it a strange twist. Remember, poetic license is their for a reason; you can create whatever characters you want, give them any background you choose to give them, destroy their lives and build them up again. When you're giving your poem a plot, make it an interesting one that will draw the reader in. If you want to write based off real life, keep the emotions the same and just change the action.

Ok, hoped that helped. Sorry to get kind of preachy there. I think you've got a really good start here, and with some polishing it will be a good poem. Keep it up!

-Sophie

Love the peom even though at some pionts i found it a little confusing but on the whole GREAT! i love how each line is meaningful

i remember the way your arms carresssed me

love that line!