Stranger's Kiss

This is a title I have not yet settled. I find it really hard for this story to find a title that is catching. Please be kind and harsh )


"Today, a stranger kissed me. Just like that!
It happened immediately after I left my mum’s antique store. She called me after school all mysterious to go there. She always played mysterious when she had something new at the store. But this time, the trip was worth it. It was also worth it to listen how she hailed the wonder of the new antiques.

What she wanted to show me was a thick silver ring with a wing model on it. It was simple but in the same time it looked very special to me. She didn’t stop until I accepted it, and I really wanted it so she didn’t have to try hard.
It certainly captivated me, not only the ring itself but also its story. There were only two rings made like that but only this one had been found, and there was no trace in the world of the other one.

I was going to pay all my life for that ring, but I was ready.
I left even if it was already raining but I didn’t want her to change her mind.
As always I tried to ignore the worlds around me.

Since I was little and became conscious of the world I was leaving I also became conscious of the other worlds around our world. They pass me like a movie set on high-speed and are rolling alongside my existence undisturbed. Never do I manage to catch a glimpse of a world because they are never slowing down. If the ring was as mystical as my mum claimed, I hoped to find a pattern to my worlds.

I stopped at the bridge that goes over the pond in the park and I looked at the huge drops from where other worlds and faces stared back at me.
I remember how at first I was really scared by this. My mother had to take me to a psychiatrist while my father could not cope with the idea of having a crazy child and left us both. Now, what I see seems so natural that I don’t even bother to talk about it with my mother like I did when I was younger.

But, how I can’t see the worlds in the speeding movie I can’t see the ones in the raindrops. I tried looking in the pond but he was as cruel and he didn’t leave me a single peep hole to look at the worlds he was hiding.
It’s frustrating!

The rain drops were attacking me without mercy but I didn’t move from my spot. The bridge stones were getting wetter with every drop and were making it easy for me to slip. I was absolutely drenched and just as I was thinking happily that I was the only insane person there, he appeared.

He was tall or at least he seemed that way, with his blond hair wet under the cruel shower of nature as I was, with no umbrella and without a dry stitch on same as I.
I hardly made out his features thought the spatter when he was in front of me inches away. I thought I was going to slip over the bridge when I jumped up startled but he caught me with both hands and pushed me on the cold stone of the edge covering my mouth with his.

With my eyes wide open I managed to see his grey eyes looking straight into mine and in that moment the rain drops froze. Everything froze: the rain, the movie around me, and the sound!

As the movie froze I saw from the corner of my eye ruins, and I realized I wasn’t backing in the wet bridge anymore, instead it was an old dusty half crumbled one. More stone crumbles under my hands as I tried to find some support but he grabbed them linking them around him, and I fell with my bottom on the fragile stone.
The wind spread dust around us, but I was still wet, and so was he. He smelled like the rain in that dusty surrounding…he smelled…

“I am looking for a stranger smelling like the merciless rain before bane.
Could he have been death and that kiss was his message that he would come after me?
I don’t want him to be death!
I still want to live; even if my world is different from the one the others around me see.”

Okay, this was really confusing, and a little boring.
I like the concept, its really random, and maybe unrealistic (?) but I think if you find a better way to explain it, I would be interested...
I honestly hate the first line:
""Today, a stranger kissed me. Just like that!"
I think it is unnecessary, and it doesn't make me want to read on because i already know what is going to happen. Work on it a little, okay? Your style of writing is good, you just need to make a clearer description of what is going on, because I don't really understand.
~Classy

Waw! Now this is what I call strong! I will try to make it less confusing! I do have to work with the beginning. Beginnings are always a bother to me. I can write the perfect end even before thinking of the beginning .

Well, that was good. It's not that I didn't like it, but it is very different to what I am used to reading. Which is mostly quite a good thing! So props you have a unque edge! Yay! Hehe. I thought the title was good too by the way. The story is good.

I didn't get it . It was really confusing, but I think I was figuring it out by the end. Still though, you should clear it up, and make it a bit more interesting (i found it a bit boring). It probably was good, and I just don't get it...

One thing I have a question about:

There were only two rings made like that but only this one had been found, and there was no trace in the world of the other one.

You said there were only two rings made like the ring the main character recieved, and you said there was no trace in the world of the other one. If this is the case and the other ring is untraceable, then how does anyone know there is two of the ring? Someone had to find it or else know one would know that there was a second one like it...

-Jerry

TheNextBigThing wrote:You said there were only two rings made like the ring the main character recieved, and you said there was no trace in the world of the other one. If this is the case and the other ring is untraceable, then how does anyone know there is two of the ring? Someone had to find it or else know one would know that there was a second one like it...
-Jerry

It's a legend. You can't always attest legends, right.

At first is confusing I guess since that is how her world is. She is confused by her world that she doesn't see. As she and Eden are near each other the moving stops, like this:



When I returned to my room after an hour and a half of fatigue I noticed that my nightstand clock was still. I looked around me and realized that the walls were still as well. Everything around me had stopped moving, again. I ran to the window and threw the news board aside ripping the cupboards and throwing them as well until I could see the street and him in our driveway looking at my window.

I thought I was going to faint again, but my legs took control and I ran outside passing my mum like a storm on my way to the door. I put my shoes wrong but it didn’t matter because I had to talk to him.
When I got in the driveway he wasn’t there.

I ran on the street until I saw him taking the corner on the street, leading to my school. I changed my shoes in the right feet and ran after him again. When he was farther away the worlds were moving but they were not as fast. I could see in them: o meadow, the garden of a palace full of beautiful multicolored flowers, a graveyard. When I got closer to him everything blocked on a single world, but I couldn’t stay and admire it because he kept walking so they started to move again.

I got to the fence of the school swimming pool and saw him inside sitting on the edge of the pool looking fascinated at the water. When did he jump the fence so fast? I grasped the fence uncertainly and tried to climb it, but without success. I wasn't a sporty person, neither was I fit. I could barely breathe after all the running.
“I will never get over it” I sighed falling next to it on the concrete.
He turned to look at me and shook his head a cold smile on his lips. He came near the fence and I managed to pull back on my feet when he was inches away on the other side.
“How did it stop?”
He smiled shrugging his shoulders.

I could finally see him clearly. His hair was a darker shade of blond, framing his cheeks and falling over his nape. His eyes were cold in spite of the smile he had. It was a shame, because he had beautiful eyes. Big and round like babies usually have, grey colored with a dark circle around the irises. But the coldness in them narrowed them making him look frightening and I had to look away feeling chills up my spine.

In just two quick moves he jumped over the fence and was next to me. I backed away quickly stepping on my pajama pants that were a little too long.

“I want something from you!” he spoke and I felt another chill when I heard his voice.
I took a step back suddenly being afraid of him. I had expected something else, not a voice as hard as his eyes that made it sound like he was threatening me. Someone with his face should have had a nice, warm voice. But he was making my blood freeze in my veins.

I looked around me so I wouldn’t have to look at him. With him being so close to me the school fence was just a stone wall covered in moss and ivy with cracks here and there through which I could see the glimmer of the water behind it.

“The water is a gate way.”
What?

He was inches away and I screamed shocked by the closeness but I couldn’t step back anymore. He caught my left arm and pulled me closer, his hand going for mine till our fingers were entwined and pulled them up to his face.
“It hurts!” I tried to pull back.

His grip hurt so bad like the wanted to break my fingers and incapacitate me. I am a lefty so for me the right is as useless as the left is for the others. I noticed that he also used his left hand to grab mine but it was far from a friendly hand shake.
He looked at the ring that I was wearing on my thumb and I saw one exactly the same on his pinky. His probably was too small for the ring finger, as mine was too big. Maybe if we switched them they would fit, but I had a feeling he wasn’t thinking the same thing as I did.

“You have to give it back” he tried to pull it off my finger but I screamed pulling my hand back.
A three of fingers went pop but I did manage to free my hand and take a few steps back as he looked at me furious.
“It’s not yours!” he grabbed my shoulders and tears from the pain appeared in my eyes.
“I have it, right? So it’s mine!” I managed to talk when I heard my mum calling for me and he cursed under his breath hoisting me on his shoulder like a sack of potatoes and started to climb the wall that had become a fence again. He didn’t even care when my pajama was caught in the fence and ripped leaving a nasty scratch on my leg. I just got to see mum running towards the fence when he put me down and tried to take my ring away again.

“Give it to me and you will never see me again!” he snapped at me and I bit his hand.
He pulled it back a few colorful words leaving his lips.
“I want to know why everything freezes when were like this!” I moved my hand in the small space between us. “And if this ring is the one to bring me the answers, well, you will just have to cut off my fingers!” I spoke loud and clear with courage I never knew I had it in me.

I looked over at mum that was calling for me from behind the fence when he grabbed my shoulders and threw me in the pool. I wanted to yell but water flowed in my mouth I got scared even more as he was pulling me under and I couldn’t fight against him. He was stronger than me and I didn’t know how to swim.
We were sinking for some time now and the water was getting darker. I didn’t remember the pool being so deep, though I can’t say I had too many swimming classes to actually know how deep it was.

I was happy that the hours spent underwater in the bathtub weren’t for nothing because I could hold my breath for over three minutes, but I had no idea how long was I under this time and how long I will keep being underwater.
Then, the cold air hit my face and the first breath of air seemed like it cut through my throat. I started to cough and he let go of me which made me sink the clothes pulling me back under. I didn’t remember my pajamas being so heavy.

I swallowed water again before being pulled back up to surface.
“I can’t breath!” I managed to wheeze the words out.
“God! We couldn’t have made it to a world where women didn’t choke themselves?” he grumbled as he pulled me to the border.
I couldn’t see a thing as my hair was over my face. I felt suffocated from my chest down like my guts were about to come out any second together with all the water I had swallowed.

He put me down on the ground and pulled my hair from my face so the first thing to see was his furious face as I felt his hands on my waist pulling on something. The sound of ripped fabric got to my ears and he threw something aside before ripping some more and all the weight on my legs disappeared.

I breathed greedy the air in as he lifted my left hand. I realized he wanted to take my ring again so I started to hit him with my free hand and kick him until he let go of me. I tried getting on my feet but I was to dizzy so I just clutched my fist until I felt my nails in my flesh. He wasn’t going to take the ring away from me.

“Where is my mum?” I finally spoke my free hand on my chest.
“Not in this world.” he whispered.

I'll have to say I agree with Classy.
Your writing style is lovely, but I think you've made the story itself a bit too casual.
In my opinion, I don't think it's very wise to start stories off with something like dialogue, what you did, or a premonition/flashback (for future reference).
Also, as mentioned, try to be more clear with your writing. You sort of 'beat around the bush' so to speak, and that confused your readers a lot.
The concept is also good, but honestly I've seen it before. I know everything seems to be a cliche nowadays, but it's not so hard to take a clichéd or even semi-clichéd idea and make it your own. I suggest you work on that too.
Overall, I think you're got an act for writing. You'll go places, kiddo.