Amber-short story

I wrote this last year for school, so it isn't very good... but it's the very first story I wrote that anyone besides my family, and school, have ever seen. please review!

Hi. My name is Amber Anderson. I am eighteen years old and I have a boyfriend named Jerry. I have blond hair, and hazel eyes. I love drawing, painting, and jogging. I used to work at McDonalds as a cook, but then, people found out what we were putting into the food, so they stopped coming, and I lost my job. I wanted to enjoy my work, so I thought about Starbucks. I go there all the time, and every time I get just what I want. It’s always perfect. I went in for an interview. I waited for what seemed like forever. Finally, I was hired. That reminds me, I have a story to tell you about work.
It was a normal day at work for me, giving out coffee to people and getting to drink as much as I wanted. I loved working at Starbucks. I loved work, but I couldn’t wait until lunch, when I could work on my art.
Finally, it was break time. I took out my lunch, and my art. I began to work on a beautiful drawing of a mountain. I was enjoying myself when Rick, the manager’s assistant, came up behind me. “What’s that?” he said, “A pile of trash?” My face began to turn red. There he was again, criticizing my art, as always. It wasn’t even that clever of a remark, but it still bothered me. What I needed was encouragement, not criticism, to get over my shyness. I was hurt, deeply hurt. At first I said nothing, then, I said, “Actually, I was drawing you.”
Even though I had a good comeback, I was hurt by what he said. I stared at Rick with disbelief as he walked away. How could he be so cruel? I thought. I couldn’t wait to get home, but first, I had to work another whole hour.
When I got home, I called my boyfriend Jerry. I told him about what had happened at work. He said, “Maybe next time you should be nice to him, and ask him what you are doing wrong in your drawing.”
The next day was a replay of the day before, everything except my lunch. I sat down for lunch, and took out my art, and again, Rick criticized my art, saying, “Even I could do that.” Normally I would say something mean, but this time I said, “What do you think I should do differently?” Rick couldn’t think of what to say, so he just stormed off mad.
I realized that Rick was never going to be nice to me no matter what. So, I made a promise to myself to try to be nice to him and never mouth off to him again no matter what he says or does.
The next day, I actually enjoyed my lunch break. When Rick came up to me and said something nasty about my art, I just ignored him. I finally finished my drawing of a beautiful mountain, and I was proud of myself no matter what anyone said.
Now that I was able to ignore Rick, I was able to enjoy my days at work better. I was also able to finish many more paintings and drawings happily. I learned that it was possible for me to enjoy myself despite what other people say. I became a nicer and more tolerant person because of my experience with Rick. I learned that I could also enjoy my lunch break a lot better, which was very nice.

Right if im totally honest with you I didnt really enjoy this story.
I felt that a lot of parts needn't be used as they just seemed to drag and bore me to be truthful.
I could see that you were trying to produce a work that would teach the reader about being able to rise above day to day remarks that bring us down, but i thought this wasn't really brought out in a fresh or new way. Its kind of like: yeh girl being put down by coworker, she manages to overcome it outwardly, but internally its hurting her, she learns to ignore and she feels better, the end.
Now enough of the bringing you down and this is the part you shouldnt ignore because im gonna try and lead you in the correct direction of making this piece better.
Firstly the Opening paragraph i thought wasn't really needed. Cut this is. If i was writing this piece i would start with a simple introduction of how things hurt when you take them to heart, lil something like this:
"Hello my name is Amber. Ha, sorry but If you had asked me to write a story about myself before, well, I probably would have been to shy to put down my actual name. Amber Anderson."
And I could go on from there.
Right now heres an elementary problem. You should always start a new paragraph when using different dialogue for different people to break up the stroy more and make it easier to read. Look and change this in your third paragraph.
For the rest of it i found it a little empty in places with little description or feeling, show us how his face changed when he became frustrated or show us your drawing become better when the taunts are from your shoulders.
Pm me if you have any question........

Hi Puppylover! (:

First off I have some nit-picks.

I have blond hair, and hazel eyes. I love drawing, painting, and jogging.

I think you could re jig these sentences to make them a bit more interesting. Right now it sounds like a simple list.

I used to work at McDonalds as a cook, but then, people found out what we were putting into the food, so they stopped coming, and I lost my job.

I find it unlikely that each and every single customer at McDonalds just stopped coming all together, because they found out what was in the food.

It was a normal day at work for me, giving out coffee to people and getting to drink as much as I wanted.

Unfortunately for the good people at Starbucks, working there doesn't mean getting to drink 'as much at you want' xD

I loved working at Starbucks. I loved work,but I couldn’t wait until lunch, when I could work on my art.

You repeat the fact that she loves work here and you also repeat the word 'work' more than a few times too.

I began to work on a beautiful drawing...

The word 'work' makes an appearance here too. Try re phrase the sentence or look in the thesaurus to find another word for it.

There he was again, criticizing my art, as always.

The word 'again' and 'as always' have the same meaning when used in this sentence. There is no need for both of them.

I was hurt by what he said.

In the previous sentence you have already told us she was 'hurt'.

Rick couldn’t think of what to say, so he just stormed off mad.

Why would he storm off mad? An overreaction in my point of view.

Tip: Start a new line when you have a new character speak. It is much easier to read.

I also think you should try and widen your vocabulary as you often repeated used words more than once.

In this story I think you are trying to convey a moral here, 'just ignore someone when they say something mean and everything will get better'. However, I can't help but wonder why your character, Amber, didn't tell her boss about Rick. If you're getting bullied at work... Isn't that what you are suppose to do? Tell your boss?

Overall, I think you could have expanded on some things here. Like the relationship Amber has with her boyfriend; she mentions him twice in this so maybe you could add description of what he looks like or some background information? However, it was nice to see the character over come her problem.

PM me if you have any questions!

Keep writing! (:

OxfordandOnyx

This is a very school-ish story. It doesn't have a major plot line, the introduction is very, very average, and the intro to the story itself - the coffee place - wasn't very smooth. I don't think it was bad, just that the dialloge could have been more interesting, and the general thing just kind of screamed school. I'm sure that if you practice you can become way better, because you had the idea of writing it. Oh yeah, about your characters, we actually don't get to hear about you main character's thoughts so much, or about her boyfriend, which is an important part of her life [she even called him over a stupid remark] nor do we get to truly understand Rick.I fail to see the dilema in the story. He's mean to her. She decides to ignore him. It all ends well...? I don't know, just not my kind of plot. She doesn't sound very shy as she indicates on herself if she "says something mean" to him whenever he bugs her. That doesn't really qualify as shy, I think, but we all have different perspectives. So, I didn't hate it, but it wasn't my favorite. Sorry. Any questions and you can PM me.
Don't lose hope! you'll get it right next time. By the way, superb grammar.
Ofir

Okay basically…to be honest…this story you are simply telling us various facts. In a nutshell, there was no tone, no characterization and you kept telling the readers various stuff not showing us.

Sorry to be harsh but I think here is what I think.

Tone: firstly what kind of mood are you trying to portray? Are you trying to portray a more joyful story or a sad one. Do you want us to be sympathetic to the character? What? When I read the story, all I see was a bunch of words with little emotions conveyed. This is what you need to do:
You need I think detail on the setting or descriptions in relation to the character. Okay she works in Starbucks. What does she think of it? Describe some objects that may mean something to denote a tone. For example, she look at a couple at the end of the store and she smiled warmly. In that sentence, there is a sense of tone being conveyed.

You may describe the lighting of the place, the weather, how the customers behave? Are they happy or what and describe their body language to denote they are happy. And this is also included on her art. How do you want the reader to feel towards the artwork? In order to give a tone use metaphors like my artwork is like a flower on a grass field and describe her emotions and body language.

Characters: we do not know what the characters look like or what they are. How about Jerry, what kind of person he is? To give a clue to what kind of jerry is you can describe his body language or his style in clothing or how he speak. This goes the same way for Rick. You were able to tell us that he is something of a snub but that’s all. Anyone can be snobby. What do these guys look like and how different are they from each other?

Show: the first part of the paragraph felt more of a brag- and you put the information all in once. If you do this, the reader has no interest in knowing more of the character because you said all of them very plainly. Instead of listing a long list of info to start the story, how about if you let her ask a question to the reader or make her something of something that relates to the story like:

‘I wonder what I will paint next.” Or “Let me tell you something…”
That could work and instead of listing info, write what her thoughts are on a particular setting or to her artwork. You can also show us what she is dreaming-there that it! Try starting the story with her day dream and begin the story when Rick interrupts her dream and the story flows from here. Other than that, you simply showed us things like beautiful mountain or I will be nice to Rick but how? How is the mountain beautiful or how nice is are you Rick.

Overall, the story needs some work but for the plot synopsis its relatively fine. Again I apologize if my comments are harsh but I need to be frank. I really want to help you develop your writing and if you want some help, you can PM me.

thanks everyone! i needed the truth and i got it. it was for school, so it wasn't as good.... but i can never think of an ending for anything interesting that i ever write.

-Nina

I liked that and it speaks the truth. It is hard to let go of being insulted etc. I know I got bulled a lot and replied with insults too, but it got nowhere. Eventually I almost snapped at this one guy but I was able to numb the insulting down, and eventually we just went our separate ways. Hardly ever insulting each other even though we were far form being neutral towards each other.

Moving onto the piece now. It lacks an overall story line but that’s ok keep writing, I think this was just a one off anyway, but I wouldn’t continue this one due to lack of a plot. Don’t let me get you down continue by all means if you want its your choice. I guess I liked this piece because I have had first hand experience of things like that.

All the best
Stelth