Tobey and Adelaide preview (: R

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So this is a few chapters into the story I'm writing, I just wanted to put this up because it's written in a different style than the rest of my book, and I'm not good at writing about this kind of thing. Read the spoiler at the bottom if you want (:

To understand this chapter, i guess you have to know that Tobey is a 17 year old boy, who has been living dead for 70 odd years, dreaming about Adelaide... who he meets and inevitably they fall in love. But he can't age, so they think their future is destined to fail. However he's just realised he thinks he might be ageing... read on.


Tobey

She stood up.

'Do you have any champagne Tobey? We're celebrating. And by the way, you're eyes are red.' She smiled mischievously. And indeed they were, I blushed furiously as I found a bottle of Bucks fizz my landlord had given me at christmas, I hate drinking alone.

I looked over to where Adelaide stood on a chair, fishing two wine glasses out of the top cupboard. Her legs were tensed slightly, balancing on the unsteady chair, and I noticed how perfectly defined her thighs and calves were.

I stared at her gorgeous body, saw how her tiny waist curved in just above her rounded hips, then bloomed back out with her rounded breasts. Most skinny girls were just skin and bones, but Adelaide had everything. The perfect hourglass figure. I felt my eyes burn up as the want coursed through my veins, she was so beautiful.

Her skirt swayed as she tried to get down without dropping the two glasses. She turned around and saw me staring at her, she blushed and looked away, the reddish tint in her cheeks just adding to her beauty.
'Here, let me help you down.' I walked over to her, and ran my hand up her leg. Tremors ran up her spine, and I picked her up in both arms. I grabbed the bottle of the table, and carried her petite body up the stairs.

Two months we've been together, every time we've seen each other we're kissed, sometimes for hours, but although every night I dream of kissing her stomach, we're never gone any further than kissing. I told myself it was wrong, because I would always be so much older than her in real years, and yet if my body was never going to grow any older then I could never give her the future she deserves.

That's changed.

Adelaide
I noticed exactly where his hands were on my body, supporting me in places he never usually touched, felt the heat rushing through my veins, as he carried me into his bedroom.
He lay me down on the bed, and turned straight away to pour us drinks. I stared at his back, loving the way I knew how his eyes would be flames of passion when he turned to face me.

We hadn't gone any further than kissing, he told me he thought we should wait. I didn't want to wait. I was scared that maybe he didn't actually want to do anything with me, that maybe he didn't find my body attractive, or maybe he just didn't trust himself. But now there's no way he can hurt me.

I lay there on the bed, tremors running up and down my body, when he handed me my drink, I downed it immediately and put it on the side table out of the way. He followed suit.

He lay down gently on top of my waiting body, supporting his weight so as not to crush me, and gently stroked down the side of my face. His fingers left burning trails of want where they passed. His eyes were redder than I'd ever seen them before, I turned my cheek into his hand and shut my eyes, a heated ball rising in my stomach.

Burying his face into my chest, kissing me, biting me, he sighed as I ran my hands over his tensed shoulders. His hands ran up and down my body, undoing buttons, stroking my stomach, I arched my body off the bed as he pulled my vest off over my head. He lay his head on chest, where it rose and fell in time with my quickened breathing. He rose back up quickly and kissed me on the lips, telling me to carry on. My shaking hands slowly undid the buttons of his shirt, then reached up to kiss and stroke the beautifully carved sixpack. His hands were running further down my shaking body, until they slipped beneath the waistband of my skirt, and I felt his trembling fingers struggle to undo the zip to get it off. I stayed still. My heart racing at one hundred beats a minute, I've waited for this moment for so long.

My breathing quickened yet more as he slipped his cool fingers underneath my tights, his cold hands leaving burning trails behind them. I moaned out 'I love you' as he kissed down my legs, following the trails his fingers had left.

'Wait.'His voice came out in a hesitant whisper. I lay there trembling with anticipation, joy, love, as he stood back up and removed his jeans. I held back a laugh as he searched his bottom drawer for a condom.

He told me he loved me as our hearts beat as one, our temperature rising, our breathing became ragged. 'What a great way to celebrate' I thought, as I gave away my mind, and was overwhelmed by the wants of my body.




Haha there it was, Now I don't normally write stuff like that, but this book needed it, but seeing as I really don't have a clue what I was on about, any help would be appreciated.
Last edited by Scared of the facts on Tue Oct 13, 2009 8:42 pm, edited 2 times in total.
Ever seen a blind man cross the road
Trying to make the other side?
Ever seen a young girl growing old
Trying to make herself a bride? - Handbags and gladrags




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Hi, OxfordandOnyx here to review (:

Okay, so first of all...

I hate drinking alone.


...But your character is dead, (or he was not too long ago) so how does this work? Did he drink whilst he was dead? If he did, then that's a bit strange, the dead don't tend to drink! xD If you mean to refer back seventy years ago to when he was aging then, to make this a bit clearer I would alter this sentence to something like, "I used to hate drinking alone".

I stared at her gorgeous body, saw how her tiny waist went in just above her rounded higs, then came back out with her rounded breasts.


Nice sentence but the phrases 'went in' and 'came back out' are kind of unattractive when you just stick 'em in there like that.

I felt my eyes burn up as I felt the want course through my veins, she was so beautiful.


I really like this sentence! It's one of my favourites. However, it would sound so much better if you didn't use 'I felt' twice in the same sentence.
I noticed exactly where his hands were on my body


Expand this a bit further... Where are his hands exactly?

'Wait.'I lay there trembling with anticipation, joy, love, as he stood back up and removed his jeans.


I assume this is Tobey saying this, if so, you should make it a bit clearer so the reader isn't confused!


So, there are quite a few mistakes in this and these are small. You should be able to find them if you proof read your work. For example, you put...

...her rounded higs


I won't insult your intelligence by pointing out the mistake there xD

My biggest criticism is the fact that the couple have just realised that Tobey has somehow managed to start aging. And it's a miracle! So the first thing they do is pop open a bottle of champagne? Wouldn't Tobey (who has been dead for seventy years) be struggling with this a little (All the pros and cons of being human come with this as well)? Wouldn't he be wanted to discover what gave him life again? If he has just realised he has started aging again, then I find this situation a little unrealistic. I would expect the couple to be asking a lot more questions about how he came to be living again and not concentrating on alcohol and what not.

Following on from that, I am quite interested to find out how he started aging after all that time. So, I hope you post more chapter as I will definitely read! I did like the intimate scene between the two and you mentioned you were not used to that sort of thing, so bearing that in mind, you pulled it off pretty well. :D

Also, at the beginning you write some chapter notes explain that Tobey has been 'dreaming' of Adelaide before he met her. I am interested to know what you meant by this as the dead, obviously do not sleep so they do not 'dream'.

I enjoyed reading this so please PM me if you post any other chapters up!

Keep writing!

OxfordandOnyx
Last edited by OxfordandOnyx on Wed Oct 14, 2009 4:10 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Four kinds of people I hate most in life.
1. People who use a preposition to end a sentence with.
2. People who can't count.
3. People who think it's 'clever' to quote ironic phrases.




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Spoiler
Okay I'm going to explain the plot more clearly..

Tobey was born in like 1927
HE saw his dad kill his mum when he was 15, he runs away
He joins army in second world war
Dies on beaches on Dunkirk

There ya go (:
okay I'll carry on :L

Tobey wakes up a week later in a field in Bath, England
He lives for the next 70 years trying to figure out why he's still alive and not ageing. Meanwhile he has dreams about this girl.
So after he's been dreaming about her for 70 years they meet
HE tells her everything, including the fact his eyes tend to go red when he hasn't seen her for a while (or dreamt about her)
They have a little crisis, because he's never going to age
But then he thinks he is starting to age, because he accidentally cuts himself whilst cutting bread and instead of healing over straight away he bleeds.
They have been together about 6 weeks at this point? I don't know really
So that scene happens after they've been talking about the future that they can now have, because they can both age together and it's all happy (:
But she starts getting ill, like losing weight, having no energy. for some reason she doesn't tell him this because she thinks it's something to do with him
He finds out that him ageing is making her ill
He thinks the only way for her to have a happy life would be for him to disappear forever
So he does...

A few months later she actually tries to commit suicide, because she can't take living without him. But at the point where she's just cut herself he comes back in to ask her to take him back etc. Basically he then saves her life.. I haven't worked out details yet
So then because of their bond-him saving her life- they can now live happily together with him aging and her not dying

But... she keeps having dreams about his past, and one night she finds out that he murdered his dad, after his dad killing his mum. She doesn't tell him this, figuring it would pretty much break him

But it all comes out when they realise they can't have children together until his dad can be avenged, and they decide to do this in the only way that makes sense at the time. For Adelaide to die, so that Tobey has then lost something as big as what he took away from his dad. But they know that Adelaide will come back just as Tobey did, because of their bond.
And she does.


It's a very rough plot im basically working it out as I'm writing it!


and breathe....
Ever seen a blind man cross the road
Trying to make the other side?
Ever seen a young girl growing old
Trying to make herself a bride? - Handbags and gladrags




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Breath breath.
Living dead stories have always intrigued me :?: :?:
And your story is pretty cool, more than pretty cool. Of course you have to work on it, on motifs and all that, but from what you just explained your work seems to me is half done. Now you just have to write and be careful how you write you and how your characters will develop.
And also to be sure on your living dead theories. Think over every aspect of a such persons life. How does it function ^_^
Oki, to shut myself up... I was caught up into it. And I will certainly wait for more and see how it develops




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Thanks for reading (:
Yeah i'll put more up when it's typed, but that probably won't be for ages!
Ever seen a blind man cross the road
Trying to make the other side?
Ever seen a young girl growing old
Trying to make herself a bride? - Handbags and gladrags



Regret has a flavor and it tastes like the espresso I consumed at 9pm.
— SilverNight