His Eyes Were of the Ocean

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My first post! Yes.



Prologue

I used to look up into the bright blue sky, see an airplane, and wonder if he was on that flight. I used to look into cars, just to catch a glimpse of him. I would scope out every room I entered, hoping to see his beautiful face. Day after day passed by, and I still hadn’t seen him.

I sometimes dreamt of him. He had the most beautiful face: Thick brown hair that fell down his face, stopping at the start of his eyebrows. His eyes would have every shade of blue that the ocean did. His nose would be straight and sharp, and end a couple of centimeters before his perfect thin lips.

The dreams of him started at the age fifteen, and he seemed to age as I did. It was as if my dreams were showing me what he looked like at the same time as I did. As if he was real. Oh, how I wished for him to be real…

I never told anyone of him. The fact I had dreams of my soul-mate freaked me out, let alone my friends or family.

There have been other guys. They only lasted a couple of months, at most. None of them caught my attention; they were just… there. When I saw them, I didn’t get butterflies. I didn’t get the rush of their kisses that I desperately needed. It was simple: I wasn’t happy.


Chapter one

It was the night of my eighteenth birthday when my life changed forever. I didn’t fancy spending time with my family; they didn’t even like me, so I went out with my friends instead.

“So! Are you excited for college?” Asked my friend, Blue. Of course I wasn’t. I was the only person in town who would not be going away for college.

“Eh…” I had meant it to be a happy stutter, but it ended up sounding sarcastic.

“What’s wrong?” Stella asked as the host seated us at a booth for five. We were at a local diner called O’les; it was my favorite place to eat. I was sitting in the middle of everyone, facing the front door.

“I’m just not very happy to be turning eighteen…” I shrugged, wishing this party would turn to a happier note soon.

“Well! I have some good news!” Stella practically shouted to the whole group. Everyone-Blue, Jenny, Mickey, and I - groaned. Stella was not exactly the best at cheering people up.

Just as the complaints were finished, Stella’s surprise appeared. Three men dressed in chef’s outfits, grease stains and all, marched to our table. They shouted to the audience, “We have a birthday in the house! Let’s sing happy birthday to the newly eighteen-year-old Marissa!” The tallest shouted. I shot a nasty look at Stella as my face turned red. Everyone in the building, all twenty people- it was a small restaurant- started singing. I was busy trying to focus my eyes on anything but my friends and the chefs singing.

After moments of staring, I made eye contact. Bright, colorful blue eyes stared in my direction. His thin lips formed into a sweet bright smile. He scratched the back of his head, which was covered by perfect longish hair. It was him. Right there, sitting at the table across from me, singing me happy birthday and all I could do was stare.




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OHMYGOSH THAT WAS AMAZING!!! I was wondering, have you ever had dreams about a guy like that? I know I have, and I keep having them! So this was like, ohmygosh! You know? haha. Anyways, I didn't see any grammatical errors as far as I could tell, and I really liked the storyline. I'm soooo excited! You have to keep writing! Update me!
Sorrow lasts through this night
I'll take this piece of you,
and hold for all eternity
For just one second I felt whole... as you flew right through me.


~Sorrow by Flyleaf




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captain.classy wrote:My first post! Yes. Haha. Congrats! Welcome to YWS!



Prologue

I used to look up into the bright blue sky, see an airplane, and wonder if he was on that flight. Good opening. Gives the story a very wistful tone. I used to look into cars, just to catch a glimpse of him. I would scope out every room I entered, hoping to see his beautiful face. Day after day passed by, and I still hadn’t seen him. Is this a crush, bordering on obsession? That's what it seems like to me.

I sometimes dreamt of him. He had the most beautiful face: Thick brown hair that fell down his face, stopping at the start of his eyebrows. His eyes would have every shade of blue that the ocean did. His nose would be straight and sharp, and end a couple of centimeters before his perfect thin lips. This is a bit of an info dump, dearie. It's also a bit cliche, having the perfect man appear in dreams. I've seen it many times in movies and in other media, also. This kind of made me say, "Oh..a perfect guy. They fall in love, right?"

The dreams of him started at the age of fifteen, and he seemed to age get older as I did That last bit is a bit awkward. Try and rephrase it.. It was as if my dreams were showing me what he looked like at the same time as I did Rephrase.. As if he was real. Oh, how I wished for him to be real… This is bordering on Stephenie Meyer melodramatic. Take it out, because it lessens the suspense. Actually, the last two phrases, take out. It's more original.

I never told anyone of him. The fact I had dreams of my soul-mate freaked me out, let alone my friends or family. I understand that dreams are clarifying, but why does this girl think he actually exists? Why does the protagonist not tell her parents? Details, dear.

There have been other guys. They only lasted a couple of months, at most. None of them caught my attention; they were just… there. When I saw them, I didn’t get butterflies. I didn’t get the rush of their kisses that I desperately needed. It was simple: I wasn’t happy. This is a good ender. It could be merged in the first chapter, though. Don't use prologues unless ABSOLUTELY necessary.


Chapter one

It was the night of my eighteenth birthday when my life changed forever. Again, a cliche line. Reimagine it. I didn’t fancy Fancy? Is the girl British, because 'fancy' is commonly used in England. spending time with my family; they didn’t even like me, so I went out with my friends instead. This kind of made me frown a little bit; a bit emo for a love story, yes? But I'll let it past.

“So! Are you excited for college?” asked my friend, Blue. Of course I wasn’t. I was the only person in town who would not be going away for college.

“Eh…” I had meant it to be a happy stutter, but it ended up sounding sarcastic.

“What’s wrong?” Stella asked as the host seated us at a booth for five. We were at a local diner called O’les; it was my favorite place to eat. I was sitting in the middle of everyone, facing the front door.

“I’m just not very happy to be turning eighteen…” I shrugged, wishing this party would turn to a happier note soon.

“Well! I have some good news!” Stella practically shouted to the whole group. Everyone-Blue, Jenny, Mickey, and I - groaned. Stella was not exactly the best at cheering people up.

Just as the complaints were finished, Stella’s surprise appeared. Three men dressed in chef’s outfits, grease stains and all, marched to our table. Good description, although describe the men themselves. All I see are the outfits. They shouted Try 'announced' to the audience, “We have a birthday in the house! Let’s sing happy birthday to the newly eighteen-year-old Marissa!” The tallest shouted Again, 'announced'. I shot a nasty look at Stella as my face turned red. She doesn't like to be in the center of attention, huh? Everyone in the building, all twenty people- it was a small restaurant- started singing. I was busy trying to focus my eyes on anything but my friends and the chefs singing.

After moments of staring At what?, I made eye contact. Bright, colorful blue eyes stared in my direction. His thin lips formed into a sweet bright smile. He scratched the back of his head, which was covered by perfect Perfect? Darling, hair is never perfect. It's either neat, a bird's nest or in-between longish hair. It was him. Right there, sitting at the table across from me, singing me happy birthday and all I could do was stare. Good ending!


PLOT
Okay, so the plot seems woefully obvious: boy meets girl, they fall in hesitant love, have heavy affections :oops: and break up, realize they can't live without the other. And please don't turn the boy in a vamp. We've got enough of that sitting on the bookshelves already.

CHARACTERS
The boy is the center of attention in the prologue. So you need to work on him really hard. Give him quirks, fears, loves, etc. If you do that, the girl's flatness can be ignored. But if you go down the easy route, then I'm afraid I will not read this story further. You need to make the characters real--no characters, no story. No story, no interest.

Okay, so I'm really blunt and opininated. I apologize if I made you feel bad. This story has a TON of potential, but the potential can be thrown away very easily. I'd suggest you review your story before posting any more and ensuring there is not a wrong bone in the structure of the story. And also, review your characters also! Make sure they are not stick figures, but humans with a beating heart and an ugly quirk and...

*stops rambling* I think you get the idea. :smt003

I normally give a grade when I review a story, but since this isn't very revealing, I'm going to label it...

GRADE: Potential A

You have creative ideas. Just don't take the easy way out.
I speak the language of gay-supporting writing whales.




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And please don't turn the boy in a vamp.

Indeed we do :)).
Oki. I started reading it because the ocean eyes caught my attention. I was engaged immediately in the story, but that could be the fact that I actually have been dreaming the ocean eyed boy for some years now. (I only hope I am as lucky as Marissa.

I loved the beginning XD that was a given. And the story has potential but I would like to see more of it. You did leave a perfect cliff hanger there though. :lol:
And as captain.classy said, focus on your characters, develop them with extreme attention as to avoid any Mary Sues or Gary s. Use a character developing sheet so you will get to know them as you best friends or children even.




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First posts are fun to review (:
Wow. That was really attention grabbing, i really love the way you write!

'I used to look up into the bright blue sky, see an airplane, and wonder if he was on that flight. I used to look into cars, just to catch a glimpse of him. I would scope out every room I entered, hoping to see his beautiful face. Day after day passed by, and I still hadn’t seen him.' I loved that as a beginning, described beautifully the emotion your character must be going through.

On the whole i loved it (:
I'm writing a similar story at the moment, basically this guy(who's actually dead?!) has been dreaming about this girl since he died. 70 years on her meets her and yeah, too many plot details lol

great stuff!
Ever seen a blind man cross the road
Trying to make the other side?
Ever seen a young girl growing old
Trying to make herself a bride? - Handbags and gladrags




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Hi captain.classy! I'm Conrad Rice, and I will be your reviewer for today.

So, I can see that this is the beginning of a much larger work. Therefore, I will treat it as such. Let me begin by saying that you might want to ask yourself if a prologue is really doing more than a first chapter here. By that I mean that oftentimes a prologue is simply a glorified first chapter, rather than anything special on its own, and that seems to be the case here. Look at yours and ask yourself if you could simply make it part of the first chapter, and then do something else for a prologue if you must have one.

For a beginning, I'm not feeling much of a real connection to your main character. This is not a good thing. You need to help us get into her head and like her. So far, she seems rather typical, minus the dreaming of her soul mate, which I don't find all that strange actually. In fact, it is rather romantic. You may want to punch up that first part with writing that supports such a view, or choose to strengthen the current thought in her mind that such dreams are strange. But in either case, you need to flesh it out a bit more, so that we may get attached to your MC.

Other than that, this is pretty solid writing. What dialogue is there is good. Your description is good, and your style is pleasing to read. You just need to work on getting us attached to your main character, and really giving us a reason to keep reading.

PM me if you have any questions or comments. Good job, and good luck.

-Conrad Rice
Garrus Vakarian is my homeboy.




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Thanks for your posts! Everyone's words were really encouraging and made me like this site even more!
I just have to say that this is not going to be a fall in love, break up, get back together love story. This is going to be a realistic piece, but hopefully not boring.
I hope you all like it!
~Classy




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Hola there :D

Oh, how I wished for him to be real...

I would chuck this line. As some other people have said (so why am I saying this as well? I don't know..) it's heavily cliched, and you don't want to go down that path, right?

I didn't fancy spending time with my family; they didn't even like me...

Wait --what?! You have to explain this more because it sounds very strange when you just throw that out there with no explanation.

He scratched the back back of his head with perfect, longish hair...

This isn't a very strong description of your leading man. For one thing, "perfect" could mean anything. Perfection is totally subjective. And "longish" just isn't a good adjective. I would just pick any other word that you could see describing his hair. If you have to describe his hair at all...

So, I really do like this quite a bit. I think you could make this seem less cliched over all, however if you gave more soul to your MC. She is quite a bit flat. Her whole character, and personality so far is just dreaming about this dream boy, and being totally appathetic about everything else. Also more detail would be helpful, but don't get stuck on descriptions on how people look too much, but do more descriptions of expressions and mannerisms. HOWEVER. Do not take offense --this story has a lot of potential, and I do like it. I am a romantic. However, it does need a bit of work, like anything.




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This was very good. The prologue captured my attention, and you held it from beginning to end. You focused mainly on the boy in the prologue, so you'll have to work extra hard on developing and "living up" to his character. You did good on developing a separate personality from Stella and the main character. You can tell that even in this piece that they are very different people. Keep writing!
"She looks to the stars and wishes upon one; then waits for love at the next rising sun" <3



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