Unknown

Unknown


Nights shadow slowly fades away
As the shore of the beach contracts,
The white moon over head
Shows it's bright smile to me,
My ruptured reflection in water
How constant the ripples flow
The speed of my heart beat,
As the wind changes coarse,
As well does mind,
To the direction of the sun
A traveler I become,
Away from the darkness of night
Into the light of day,
Where all imperfections are clear,
Unafraid of repercussions
Expose myself
I do,
To a world who frowns
In thoughts said to hide
While actions are condemned,
Sweet sorrow
A bitter taste,
In unexpectedness I must become
A sour taste to a bitter world,
Standing to battle their silver sword,
What words become undone
In a mystery just begun.

Hello, Roon here! This caught my eye, and I think that, with a bit of work, it could be incredible.

I. NITPICKS

Nights shadow slowly fades away << I think it’s Night’s
As the shore of the beach contracts,
The white moon over head << say overhead it is less… I’m not sure, confusing?
Shows it's bright smile to me, << This is quite a well-used description, try making it your own somehow.
My ruptured reflection in water << I don’t know whether ruptured is the right word to be using here.
How constant the ripples flow << This sort of disagrees with the image before.
The speed of my heart beat, << heartbeat.
As the wind changes coarse, << course.
As well does mind, << as well as the mind.
To the direction of the sun
A traveler I become, << I don’t know why you’ve phrased it that way, it feels awkward. Traveller is spelt with two l’s here, but I know that’s not the case elsewhere.
Away from the darkness of night << What else is the night going to be?
Into the light of day, << again, what else? The images you use in the last two lines add nothing, and the phrases are cliché.
Where all imperfections are clear, << clear of what?
Unafraid of repercussions
Expose myself
I do, << Ahhh, don’t like, awkward :S You rephrased it to make it sound more poetic, but in doing so, it just ruined the thought behind it for me.
To a world who frowns
In thoughts said to hide
While actions are condemned,
Sweet sorrow
A bitter taste,
In unexpectedness I must become
A sour taste to a bitter world, << I liked this.
Standing to battle their silver sword, << do you mean go into battle with their silver sword? I don’t see why they’d be fighting their own weapon, unless you’re the weapon, but I don’t think that would really work…
What words become undone
In a mystery just begun. << A good way to end.

II. PHRASING.

Okay, you seemed to have a major problem with phrasing. You’re over thinking images that are already beautiful. I don’t even see as there is rhyme for you to want to rephrase to make it fit. If you make it awkward to read, it makes the poem feel awkward, and puts the reader off. Write things as you would say them, don’t try to twist them beyond recognition. Try to read it out loud, and see what I mean, no one would ever say it in the way you sometimes phrase things.

III. CAPITALISATIONS.

This is one of my pet hates in poetry. You don’t need to capitalise the start of every line. You punctuate poetry in the same way that you would prose. It got quite confusing in places, you don’t want to confuse the reader like this, unless it has significance. Although, I can’t think of a situation where you would do this.

IV. IMAGERY.

I think you had a lot of wonderful imagery in this poem, but it clashes. I think you should try to stick with one, because at the moment we haven’t really got a feel for why each is used. Maybe you should focus your poem on one or two of the images presented. Also, the beginning and later parts of the poem seemed to be talking about totally different things, I don’t know whether that was because of imagery, or because I’m slow.

I really liked the imagery about the tastes. You should expand on this, bring it to life. Poems are about making us feel things, even better if you can make us taste. You could get a lot out of this, if you just gave it room to breathe.

V. MESSAGE.

At first the message is shaky, but you bring it out more towards the end. I’m hoping I got this right, well this is what it says to me. The speaker feels as though the world has labelled them unworthy, and so is bitter, hateful. The voice thinks this is unfair, and would rather hide in the dark than be judged for flaws they have, but now wants to fight prejudice. I get where you’re coming from with this, it’s a good subject, but so many people write about this, you need to leave us with a marker of you. Make sure we go away feeling something different to other poems that are similar in nature. As I said, I do like the message you portray with this, but not everyone will get it. Make us walk in the voice’s shoes.

VI. OVERALL.

I think this could be amazing, if you put a little bit more work in. separate out the images, don’t put in what could be left out, and don’t phrase things awkwardly. I think this poem has a lot of beauty about it, but it needs to be brought out more. I hope this didn’t come across as being too harsh, I wouldn’t be so thorough if I didn’t think it had the potential to be amazing. Other than the phrasing, I think your writing style is excellent, and I think you should nurture your talent, because you could be incredible. I hope this has helped.

If you have any problems or questions about what I’ve said please don’t hesitate to let me know. If you post more, and want another review, don’t hesitate to ask. It was a real pleasure. Thank you.

~ Roon

Please do not divulge your real name.

-Kylan

Much of the piece read rather clumsily.

You payed attention to how everything would probably have paced out and come to a head but you overlooked just a few fine details and it dragged everything else down.

other than the spelling mistakes that have been covered all I can say is to read through it again and tweak everything so that it flows together evenly.