Shadow Flight: un-retirement chapter one: Briefing

Hi guys this is my first work posted online. Due to fear of mistakes (Due to reasons I would like to keep to myself). So please don’t go to heavily on me, but I am open to all tips, advice and criticism. This is the first chapter of a novel I am working on. Also I apologise if this is in the wrong place, I couldn’t decide were it would be best so I put it here.

P.S. I have never been good with punctuation so all tips on that will be very appreciated.

Note: I am going to remake the series so far when I get chance. This will most likely be in the gap between the end of Dragon Marked and the beginning of A Dark Hero. I have improved a lot since starting SF, so hopefully they will be a lot better.

Shadow flight: un-retirement

Chapter one: Briefing

Chapter two: Infiltrationhttp://www.youngwriterssociety.com/post613804.html#p613804

Chapter three: Truthhttp://www.youngwriterssociety.com/topic53998.html

Chapter four: Dule http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/topic54414.html

I woke up in a dark room, I was lying on a hospital bed, I looked around, there was nothing ells in the room other than a hanging light that was off, a window was letting in the only source of light moonlight and a metal door. The walls barely lit by the moonlight were white made of stone painted bleach white. I scratched the back of my neck to check my collar was still firmly in place, I felt the box at the back were everything was encased, I breathed a sight of relief, everything was normal. Twelve years ago humans developed a collar that could make us dragons the same size as them, allow us to walk upright, and give us a thumb on our forepaws. That device alone solidified relationships between dragons and humans.

My door opened and light flooded in, illuminating the faded bleach white walls and my silver scales, I shielded my eyes with my arm, and once they had adjusted I lowered my arm. A sapphire blue dragon was there I knew him well, he was the commander of a special dragon operations group named Shadow Flight. I was once a member of Shadow Flight until I retired a year ago.

“Zomak long time no see, I’m guessing if you wanted me badly since you sent your goons to knock me out and get me here” I said.

“Karanic I apologise for that and I know you are retired after nine years in the group, but we need you to carry out a mission, this is serious classified above top secret by the humans” Zomak replied softly. I shook my head and smirked slightly at what I was hearing.

“Zomak I am retired I don’t do missions anymore” I replied politely.

“We are Shadow Flight, we never retire only rest, at least let me brief you on the situation and you don’t have much of a choice come with me” Zomak ordered firmly.

I growled in anger he was right I had no choice, I threw off the soft cotton white bed covers and followed him out then through several corridors. Humans were going about we just moved past them silently and emotionlessly, as if they weren’t there. Don’t give anything away rule one on Shadow Flight’s list. We came to a dark blue almost black door both of us went inside.

The room was well lit with grey walls stone tiled floor and concrete ceiling. There was a plain teak conference table in the middle. Two humans sat around the opposite end, Zomak sat with them and gestured me to sit opposite them. I did one had long black hair that came to his shoulders, he wore a black jacket shirt and black tie, the other had short white hair, he wore a white lab coat shirt and black pants black jackets shirt and black tie. The room was bathed in an anxious atmosphere.

“Karanic everything we say in this room is only known by a select few, less than two hours ago a nuclear power plant was sized by a terrorist group” Zomak began.

I cut in
“And you want me to go hero and evict them, stop a nuclear disaster and save a few hostages, sorry not interested I’m retired”.

“Just listen dragon dam it don’t be so stubborn!” shouted the man with the long hair. I rolled my eyes, they had no idea of what I had been through in my nine years of being in Shadow Flight. The lights dimmed and a projection started on the wall to my left, it was a picture of seven dragons each using the collar from. The left there was a silver dragoness, red dragon, black dragon, orange dragon, cyan dragon, yellow then a dark blue dragon.
“This is Disease squad, they were undergoing an experiment to try and produce a universal cure for many illnesses dragons can catch from humans, however things didn’t go according to plan, doctor do you want to take over?” asked Zomak. The man in the lab coat nodded

“The experiment went well, but then three weeks in we injected them with the common cold and the universal drug, however the two somehow fused together, then mutated and finally embedding itself in their DNA, altering it in a most unexpected way, they gained…how to describe it…super powers, for example the dragoness got psychic powers, the cyan one became incredibly smart, getting every question we asked him totally right, physics, maths, biology everything” explained the doctor.

“Yes accompanied by a small mercenary unit, they took the plant, they are calling themselves “The freed ones” for some reason” added the longhaired man.

“What are their demands?” I asked slowly out of reflex.

“So that pat of you is still there Karanic” Zomak began with a smile.

“They demand that all laws binding dragons to human wishes be discarded, all research on what happened to them be handed over and no military personnel come within the city limits, we have twenty four hours the countdown started an hour and a half ago” Zomak continued.

“And if their demands aren’t met?” I asked again out of reflex, smiling happily, knowing that the part of me that knew what to do was still there.

“They mash up the reactor core, smash up the building, then let radiation consume the city, I will be blunt even if the population get out unharmed the other reproductions could be just as bad, they mustn’t be allowed to do that” answered the long haired human. I nodded taking in the information

Suddenly there was a highly irritating buzzing in my ear, and a voice spoke it seemed to be coming from everywhere, and echoing off everything it was soft and almost relaxing.

“So you are the legendary Karanic, savoir of millions…and yet…known by none, only you can hear me, I am Sight the dragoness on the picture, your human friends broke one of our demands and to show we are serious they now have ten hours to comply, let me tell you a bit about us, as you know we all have a power ability heightened sense whatever, we stand for everything free, have you noticed how the humans increased the amount of disbanded dragon clans by five percent last year, and try to force us to be more like them, for example by wearing clothes in public they want to shape us in their image, just like they have done to everything ells it makes me so mad, it makes us all mad, that is why we had to take drastic measures, don’t hate us for being terrorists we just need to make our voices heard, go…tell them the good news” the voice spoke. It was so calm and relaxed and yet somehow deadly.

I looked at Zomak and shook my head briefly, then pointed at the dragoness in the picture.
“I heard her she says we have ten hours to comply, since you broke one of the demands, if I know one thing it is that terrorists cant be allowed to take over, I hate to say it but I’m in, by the way she calls herself Sight” I said

“Exhalent!” Zomak shouted enthusiastically.

“Karanic the plan is to send you into the city on foot, you will receive information on how to remain undetected once we drop you off, also apparently Sight as she calls herself will detect you, long before you get close to the power plant, doctor do you know anything?” asked Zomak.

“As discovered through research before they ran off, she can detect and pick out thought patterns even individual thoughts, then pinpoint them, we will put you through hypnotherapy, along with other things that will blank much of this from your memory, and all knowledge of Shadow Flight, if she is on sentry trying to locate you through thought pinpointing, she wont be able too, all you will know is to get to the plant, when you do we will play a clearing tone through your earpiece returning you to normal, and any residents will be thinking of the plant too, so searching for thoughts about the plant would be useless making you effectively invisible,” Said the doctor. I nodded in agreement. I was extremely edgy about forgetting everything, but at least she wouldn’t be able to find me, at least not easily.

“Lets get to work…” I eventually replied.

OK, you're right, the punctuation isn't great, so I'm just going to do a massive grammar check for you. This is quite a big problem; I would suggest just going through the basics of grammar as you've been getting some quite simple things wrong. Other than that, it's a great story - keep writing. But I will stress again that it's extremely difficult to read in this state - I couldn't read a whole novel like this and nor could a publisher, if you were to send it to them. It's very useful to be able to do your own grammar checking.

Shadow flight: un-retirement

chapter one: Briefing

I woke up in a dark room; I was lying on a hospital bed. I looked around - there was nothing else in the room, other than a hanging light that was off; a window, was letting in the only source of light, moonlight; and a metal door. The walls, barely lit by the moonlight, were white, made of stone painted bleach white. I scratched the back of my neck to check my collar was still firmly in place, I and felt the box at the back were everything was encased. I breathed a sight of relief: everything was normal. Twelve years ago, humans developed a collar that could make us ('us' doesn't sound right here, but nor does 'we') dragons the same size as them, allow us to walk upright, and give us a thumb on our forepaws. That device alone solidified relationships between dragons and humans.

My door opened and light flooded in, illuminating the faded, bleach white walls and my silver scales. I shielded my eyes with my arm, and once they had adjusted I lowered my arm. A sapphire blue dragon was there; I knew him well, he was the commander of a special dragon operations group named Shadow Flight. I was once a member of Shadow Flight - until I retired a year ago.

“Zomak! Long time no see. I’m guessing if you wanted me badly since you sent your goons to knock me out and get me here,” I said.

“Karanic. I apologise for that, and I know you are retired after nine years in the group," Zomak replied softly, "But we need you to carry out a mission. This is seriously classified: above top secret by the humans.”

I shook my head and smirked slightly at what I was hearing. “Zomak, I am retired. I don’t do missions any more,” I replied politely.

“We are Shadow Flight. We never retire, only rest. At least let me brief you on the situation. Anyway, and you don’t have much of a choice. Come with me,” Zomak ordered firmly.

I growled in anger: he was right, I had no choice. I threw off the soft cotton white bed covers, and followed him out then through several corridors. Humans were going about; we just moved past them silently and emotionlessly, as if they weren’t there. Don’t give anything away: rule one on Shadow Flight’s list.

We came to a dark blue - almost black - door. Both of us went inside.

The room was well lit, with grey walls, stone tiled floor and concrete ceiling. There was a plain teak conference table in the middle. Two humans sat around the opposite end; Zomak sat with them, and gestured me to sit opposite them. I did.

One had long black hair that came to his shoulders; he wore a black jacket shirt and black tie. The other had short white hair, he and wore a white lab coat shirt,and black pants, black jackets, shirt and black tie. The room was bathed in an anxious atmosphere.

“Karanic, everything we say in this room is only known by a select few. Less than two hours ago, a nuclear power plant was seized by a terrorist group,” Zomak began.

I cut in, “And you want me to go hero and evict them, stop a nuclear disaster and save a few hostages? Sorry, not interested. I’m retired.”

“Just listen dragon - damn it, don’t be so stubborn!” shouted the man with the long hair. I rolled my eyes. They had no idea of what I had been through in my nine years of being in Shadow Flight.

The lights dimmed, and a projection started on the wall to my left. It was a picture of seven dragons each using the collar. From the left, there was a silver dragoness, red dragon, black dragon, orange dragon, cyan dragon, yellow, then a dark blue dragon.

“This is Disease squad. They were undergoing an experiment to try and to produce a universal cure for many illnesses dragons can catch from humans," said Zomak, "however Things didn’t go according to plan, however. Doctor, do you want to take over?” he asked Zomak.

The man in the lab coat nodded. “The experiment went well, but then, three weeks in we injected them with the common cold and the universal drug. However, the two somehow fused together, then mutated and finally embeddinged itself in their DNA, altering it in a most unexpected way. They gained… How to describe it? Super powers. For example, the dragoness got psychic powers, the cyan one became incredibly smart, getting every question we asked him totally right: physics, maths, biology, everything,” explained the doctor.

“Yes, accompanied by a small mercenary unit, they took the plant. They are calling themselves “the Freed Ones” for some reason,” added the long-haired man.

“What are their demands?” I asked, slowly, out of reflex.

“So that part of you is still there, Karanic,” Zomak began with a smile. “They demand that all laws binding dragons to human wishes be discarded," he continued, "And that all research on what happened to them be handed over and no military personnel come within the city limits. We have twenty four hours: the countdown started an hour and a half ago.” Zomak continued.

“And if their demands aren’t met?” I asked againout of reflex, smiling happily, knowing that the part of me that knew what to do was still there.

“They mash up the reactor core, smash up the building, then let radiation consume the city. I will be blunt: even if the population get out unharmed, the other reproductions repercussions could be just as bad - they mustn’t be allowed to do that,” answered the long haired human. I nodded, taking in the information.

Suddenly, there was a highly irritating buzzing in my ear, and a voice spoke. It seemed to be coming from everywhere, and echoing off everything; it was soft, and almost relaxing.

“So! You are the legendary Karanic, savoir of millions - and yet - known by none. Only you can hear me; I am Sight, the dragoness on the picture. Your human friends broke one of our demands, and to show we are serious they now have ten hours to comply. Let me tell you a bit about us. As you know, we all have a power ability - heightened sense, whatever. We stand for everything free; have you noticed how the humans increased the amount of disbanded dragon clans by five percent last year? They and try to force us to be more like them, for example by wearing clothes in public; they want to shape us in their image, just like they have done to everything else. It makes me so mad, it makes us all mad; that is why we had to take drastic measures. Don’t hate us for being terrorists - we just need to make our voices heard. Go… Tell them the good news,” the voice spoke. It was so calm and relaxed - and yet, somehow, deadly.

I looked at Zomak and shook my head briefly, then pointed at the dragoness in the picture.

“I heard her. She says we have ten hours to comply, since you broke one of the demands. If I know one thing, it is that terrorists can't be allowed to take over. I hate to say it, but I’m in. By the way, she calls herself Sight,” I said

“ExhalentExcellent!” Zomak shouted enthusiastically.

“Karanic, the plan is to send you into the city on foot. You will receive information on how to remain undetected once we drop you off; also, apparently Sight, as she calls herself, will detect you, long before you get close to the power plant. Doctor, do you know anything?” asked Zomak.

“As discovered through research before they ran off, she can detect and pick out thought patterns, even individual thoughts, then pinpoint them. We will put you through hypnotherapy, along with other things that will blank much of this from your memory, and all knowledge of Shadow Flight. If she is on sentry, trying to locate you through thought pinpointing, she won't be able too. All you will know is to get to the plant. When you do, we will play a clearing tone through your earpiece, returning you to normal, and any residents will be thinking of the plant too, so searching for thoughts about the plant would be useless, making you effectively invisible,” said the doctor. I nodded in agreement. I was extremely edgy about forgetting everything, but at least she wouldn’t be able to find me - at least not easily.

“Let's get to work…” I eventually replied.

Let me start off by saying I too had the same fear you had. I NEVER let ANYONE ready my work because I was scared that it sounded rubbish but this place is a great way to get rid of that fear.
Now onto your piece, since fhwdf so brilliantly gave you a grammar check, I'm going to tell you why I enjoyed your piece.
It sounds like a really cool action movie. The plot is good too because readers who have watched movies with similar plot lines are instantly sucked in because they know that the main character will most probably discover many secrets whilst on his mission.
I hope you continue! Best of luck!
*coco*

I know how you feel. When I was new I didn't want to put up my work because I thought it would be utter garbage. I had a lot of mistakes, I don't make them as much now, but I still make many. Just keep your head up and be confident. Don't let it get you down if someone doesn't like your work, just keep on moving forward. You can't let the opinions of other make you feel and different about what you write. Well, that's all for my rant on confidence. I really liked this, fhwdf already covered the mistakes. Well, bye-bye now!

Thanks for the support guys!

I am glad it is liked even with the mass grammar problems. Also I must admit when I saw the grammar check I was discouraged a bit, because I didn’t expect that many mistakes. I think that part two might be up within the next 24 hours 48 at the very max.

All the best.

I don't like doing grammar check, so I'll skip that.

First of all, the setting. This is some sort of fantasy that you want the reader to know all the background well before going on with the story. If you can somehow take your time explaining the settings, without making it just look like a couple of lumps to get on with the story, you'll make a much greater piece.

The way you explain the situation is kinda forced, IMO. Just like how you explain the appearance of some characters.

Maybe like this one

I did one had long black hair that came to his shoulders, he wore a black jacket shirt and black tie, the other had short white hair, he wore a white lab coat shirt and black pants black jackets shirt and black tie. The room was bathed in an anxious atmosphere.

I'm not saying you need to put more details, well maybe that too, but make it less repetitive and give something to compare them to. You want the reader to 'feel' what you're trying to write, not 'read' what you're trying to write.

Hi Stealth,

I noticed that you have some really great feedback on grammar, but not a lot of big-picture comments, so I figured I'd pop in and show you a few things you might not have spotted.

First, I'm digging the concept. The premise of the protagonist being dragged out of retirement by his unscrupulous ex-boss is familiar to me, possibly from Metal Gear Solid, and it's one that I have a huge amount of affection for. And as a fantasy reader, I'm totally down with a shadowy "special dragon operations group". So - I'd really like to see this story work out.

Apart from the premise, the first thing that jumped out at me was the repetition. Look at the first paragraph:

Stealth_Slicer wrote:I woke up in a dark room, I was lying on a hospital bed, I looked around, there was nothing ells in the room other than a hanging light that was off, a window was letting in the only source of light moonlight and a metal door. The walls barely lit by the moonlight were white made of stone painted bleach white. I scratched the back of my neck to check my collar was still firmly in place, I felt the box at the back were everything was encased, I breathed a sight of relief, everything was normal.

Do you see how practically every sentence and every clause within the sentence starts off the same way? This repetition creates a stilted feeling for the reader. You can fix this easily by varying your sentences a little, so you don't run all these "I [verb]ed" phrases together.

I also noticed that there wasn't a whole lot of emotion. Using the first paragraph as an example again - the protagonist is waking up alone in a dark room. He's been knocked out by "goons" and dragged here. So he must be injured, scared, alone, freaking out. I assume that he must be, because that's only logical, but it's not reflected in the narrative at all. The only thing we're told is that he checks the collar and breathes a sigh of relief.

Where's the fear? The sense of isolation? The pain of his injuries - you don't get knocked out and then wake up feeling nothing. The confusion, at not being where he expected to be?

Emotion is an important part of what draws a reader into a story. The protagonist feels emotion, and through him, we feel the same. I'd really like to feel the panic that sets in, the adrenalin that kick-starts his heartbeat, the visceral anger that makes him want to hurt the man who hurt him.

I also noticed that your description is a little flat and static. Quick example:

Two humans sat around the opposite end [... snip ...] one had long black hair that came to his shoulders, he wore a black jacket shirt and black tie, the other had short white hair, he wore a white lab coat shirt and black pants black jackets shirt and black tie.

When I look at this description, I'm noticing bland descriptors like "long" and simple colours like "black" and "white". I'm also thinking that the description is a little generic - I can't picture anything unique or memorable about these characters, and the visual image you're presenting isn't strong.

(Also, not to obsess about the repetition, but the sentence structure is the same here - you describe each person's hair, then their shirt, then their other clothes, using very similar sentences.)

Okay, I'm liking the nuclear power plant seizure. It's very much like the TV show 24, but with dragons.

I also like the terrorists' demand that "all laws binding dragons to human wishes be discarded" - this is a pretty subtle suggestion that the dragons are actually enslaved by humanity, and therefore the terrorists are probably justified in their own eyes.

Finally, I love the fact that the protagonist is going to be mind-wiped to protect him from enemy psychics. That's pretty awesome.

I'm not too keen on the protagonist, who seems rather contemptuous toward the plight of a bunch of innocent people - I think the lack of any softer emotions on his part (fear, confusion, vulnerability, etc) make it difficult for me to sympathise with him. Bear in mind that a character doesn't have to be 100% made of unfeeling steel to be fascinating to readers: in fact, the more a character struggles to overcome his fear and pain and weakness, the more we empathise with him (as we readers are also flawed), and sympathise with him, and want him to succeed.

Overall, I really liked a lot of the underlying ideas. It's appealing in the same way as Metal Gear Solid and 24 and Bond films and all the other cultural icons of badass guys going in alone against superior forces. (Except with dragons!) The execution needs a lot more work than the ideas, I think. The grammar and spelling definitely need fixing. The writing could be punched up with better description and stronger verbs. And the protagonist needs to be more sympathetic.

Take what you find helpful in this review, and discard the rest.

Hope this helps.

Cheers,
Karsten

Yes, the grammar could use some tinkering with. I think the first reviewer pretty much went over the wall with that so I'll be moving on. Again, like the previous commenter said the concept is good. Quite frankly I had been growing tired of the dragons in fairy or epic tales. The protagonist however seems like an uncaring fellow, err dragon. I mean seriously? He saved millions of people in the past, and here he is just like, "Ugh, so what?"
I think you could give him a reason to be somewhat heartless here. Did his kidnappers give him some sort of drug that altered his mood? He can suspect that this is so. I'll be sure and check out the rest, me being an action buff and all can't wait to read the confrontation with the terrorists.
It's funny, I was thinking the same thing as the previous commenter this does make me think of the gruff video game character Solid Snake. In a way it also makes me think of another cool tactical character named Sam Fisher, except he's one with the shadows. Is every dragon in your story the same? Or do some prefer stealth? I think that would add a cool element if there were different classes that dragons were in. And dare I say, could the bad guys also have dragons on their side at one point? Imagine the hostility the bad guys would pose.