And it came...

Here's the next poem in a kind of series of poems that I'm writing...


A storm is coming,
You can see it, over there,
The air is stifling, you can feel it,
A storm is coming.

A storm is coming,
You are not ready,
You have no choice.
The weather's changing,
There's no escape.

A storm is coming,
It approaches,
Full of menace,
Prepare yourself,
Or face your death,

And it came...

Very good. I don't really knwo much about poetry but shoot, I'll try anyway:

Umm... maybe you should make it a rhyming poem? I don't know I just kept calling out rhyming words as I read. If not then let me review it by putting in the changes I would see as fit. Take nothing I do too seriously, I'm not a poet. Nothing close, I write superhero action stories, hehe.

RedBird wrote:A storm is coming,
You can see it over there,
The air is stifling, you feel it:
A storm is coming.

A storm is coming,
You're not ready,
Have no choice.
The weather's changing,
There's no escape.

A storm is coming,
Approaching,
Full of menace.
Prepare yourself,
Or face your death,
For a storm is coming.

And it came...

Otherwise great poem. You should try and make it flow.

good. simple. but good. i didnt catch any grammatical errors, but other than that i like the build of temptation but i think the title kind of takes away from that. in the title you see oh well the storm apparently comes, so then the end of the poem doesnt have a strong of an effect. if the title were something else 'impending storm' maybe not that but something along the lines then the last line of the poem would have more impact. but thats about all i have. good work!

Hey there Redbird. Kamas here for a review

A storm is coming,
You can see it, over there,
The air is stifling, you can feel it,
A storm is coming.

Hmm, this is interesting. It seemingly works as a choppy poem, the lines have a very tough transition but I feel it works

A storm is coming,
You are not ready,
You have no choice.
The weather's changing,
There's no escape.
A storm is coming.

I like the idea of a storm being life-threatening. How you must be prepared for the worse. I'm not into the repetition of "A storm is coming" at the end. I feel it takes away from the stanza. I suggest you get rid of it.

A storm is coming,
It approaches,
Full of menace,
Prepare yourself,
Or face your death,
A storm is coming.

I think you should switch the lines ' It approaches' and 'Full of menace'
I feel it would work better if you flipped their order. But that is your choice.

And it came...

Love this line. Just adore it. It's great! Your poem is just so simple and works. This line is the perfect conclusion for it. The most basic thing sometimes works the best.

This is great for your first post! Just great!
Keep at it and PM for anything.

~Kamas

Wow. Thanks for all the reviews! I didn't think anybody would notice it for a while. I made some changes based on your ideas, and it works better now, I feel. Thanks a lot!

Hey Red ^^ Shina here to do a review for you

The poem was simple and straight to the point, but I didn't feel much for the repitition. If you'd repeated those lines a few more times, the readers would've lost all interest. I suggest you use more imagery to whip up that storm you were brewing. The ending is hilarious xD "And it came." The end.

-Shina

Sorry to say this, but overall I didn't enjoy this poem.
It feels like you wanted this to be scary and chilling but really it didn't make me feel any emotion at all. When the storm 'came', I really didn't give a damn .

The emotion and imagery was lacking. The sheer power and chaos of a storm was what you failed to depict...

Although I'm a fan of short poems if they're good, this poem would have been much much better if you had expanded on the ideas of impending doom, the chaos which was coming... the 'And it came' just didn't strike me at all and I walked away from the poem thinking about how it had started well and ended badly - exciting to begin with, boring to end with.

The idea has a lot of potential but as for how the actual writing, I disliked it. Then again, none of us are perfect, we're only here to help each other and although other people may have liked it I think it's only fair if I give you my honest opinion or else you won't improve your writing.

Hope this helped.

-Tusker-

I liked your poem a lot Red. Keep up the good work!

I liked it! I agree that the title didn't work, though. I liked how short the lines where, but I think it should have rhymed a bit more. Just a tad. I liked how you repeated the line 'A storm is coming' in the first part of the poem, and I think you could have used a bit more repetition. Other than that it was great and I can't wait for more of your poems!

You're Welcome,
Nutty

My only suggestion for this poem would be to make all the verses the same number of lines, instead of 4, 5, 5.

That aside, I've got nothing to say.

Good poem!