Breena (Two)

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EDITED -Jayleigh

Two
“Which, do we as humans, prefer? Curved objects? Or boxy objects?” I read out loud. The question seemed absurd. Once thinking about it for a moment, I brought the pen to the paper.
“How could one truly know if they like curvy or square objects better? It all depends on the object and the person. For instance, a man might like the look of his circular shaped watch, but also enjoy the look of his 65’ Cadillac. A woman may like hoop earrings, but enjoy the rectangular cut of her engagement ring. There is no real way to be sure.”
I tried to make sense of my homework, but the image of my batty teacher babbling on about the most random things and then turning around and acting completely doped up was stuck in my mind. The atrocious Mr. Greene was not someone that I preferred to think about.
Instead, I closed my notebook and headed into the kitchen. My mother was there, along with Fawn sitting at the table. They were both multitasking. While they were having a deep discussion about last nights Dancing with the Stars, Mom was flitting around the kitchen preparing dinner, and Fawn was flipping through a magazine.
“Fayette!” Mom exclaimed as I entered the room. “You’re just in time for dinner.” She held out a plate of spaghetti and sauce, which was what we usually have every night that mom cooks.
“So, how did auditions go?” Mom started as she placed a plate in front of Fawn and one for herself. “Your sister tells me she auditioned as well. How’d she do?”
I let out a nervous laugh and looked over at my twin.
Things between Fawn and I are not like what one sees in the movies. There are no telepathic connections and I do not get a bruise when she walks into a table. So searching her face for the answer to our mother’s question, well, I came up blank.
“Uhh, well. She wasn’t all bad. But I don’t think Marcia will cast her as anything special.”
Our mother let out a very girly, very high school, and extremely dramatic, “Awhh! That’s to bad, sweetie. Maybe your sister can pull a few strings to get you a good role.”
Fawn and I looked at each other, worry on her face, and amusement on mine. “Oh, I will. There is no doubt about that.”
I ate in silence as my sister and mother continued their conversation about reality shows and how Fawn had missed the last Secret Life of the American Teenager episode the night before.


Arriving at school at seven o’clock was far too early in the morning to be legal. I trudged up to Marcia’s makeshift office just outside the girl’s locker room. Her desk was the top of a two drawer filing cabinet and her chair was a simple metal folding chair, her own pillow from home as a cushion. The drama department sure was not at the stop of the school’s high priority list for funds.
There was a small window high on the wall, but no light shone through. The air outside was muggy, foggy, and just overall depressing. Even though there was little natural light, the way-too-bright florescent lights caused me to pull out my sun glasses and put them on.
“Good morning, little vampire,” Marcia greeted.
I let out some kind of moan as a response and fell into another folding chair in her “office”.
“I brought some coffee.”
I smiled and took the styrofoam cup from her hand and sat back in the chair. “My life saver.”
She laughed. “We have a situation.”
“Oh?”
She pulled out a folder and took out a list of names. “These are all the characters and people who I think should play them.”
“Okay,” I said taking the paper. “What’s the problem?”
She sighed. “Well, there is a new student who is interested in our play. He actually has a letter of recommendation from his prior drama coach. I think he could be our lead.” She held up a letter for me to take.
I didn’t read it.
Instead, I looked down at the list of names. “You put Warren as the lead.”
She nodded. “Yes, well, that could change. I feel that we should give this new boy a fair shot. I think we should do call backs.”
“Call backs?” I paused. “For a high school play?” I laughed and put the paper back down on her desk. “This should be interesting.”
Marcia printed out a new list stating that people auditioning for the Phantom, would have to come back and re-audition. With coffee in hand, I walked down to the front lobby to post the list. I took down last years and stuck the thumb tack through this year’s list and pushed it into the board.
I read down the list, pausing at Christine. “Crap,” I muttered.
I quickly grabbed my phone out of my pocket and dialed. “Fawn,” I said once she answered. “You got the lead.”
Fawn asked me to meet her at her locker, which was on the other side of the school and up a couple flights of stairs.
“I thought you said I wouldn’t get the lead.”
I laughed. “I never said that. You wouldn’t have gotten the lead if you had actually auditioned you know.”
Her brow creased and her eyes tightened with anger. “What are we going to do? I can’t sing!”
“Believe me, I know.”
She scoffed. “You need to fix this.”
I shook my head. “You got yourself into this, you get yourself out. And no,” I said quickly before she could even ask, “I am not singing for you all year.”
“Trouble in twin city?” someone called from behind me. I turned, already knowing the voice.
I didn’t look at Warren’s face as I said, “nope. We’re done here.” I began to walk away but then turned back to him. “Call backs for the Phantom are this afternoon in the auditorium. If you still want the part, I suggest you go.” My voice could have been a little nicer, but every time I was around him, I was just so angry for reasons very unclear to me.
“Call backs? Really? I was sure I had gotten the part.”
I shrugged. “I guess there’s new talent in town.”
His eyes widened with fear, but only for a short moment before he got control of his face. He smiled a little at me, and then turned to Fawn.
“So I assume you got the part of Christine?” He asked her.
Despite her anger for receiving the part before, she smiled and nodded at Warren excitedly.
No, I thought to myself, I did.
As I walked to first period, I didn’t think about Warren. I didn’t think about how tight his navy blue t-shirt was around his well toned arms and chest. I didn’t think about how his hair fell perfectly over his face and how he flips it with a quick head jerk every so often out of habit. I didn’t think about how beautiful his green eyes were so sincere whenever he looked at me.
Not much, at least.
I was in such a daze and fell into my normal routine of walking to class, throwing out my coffee in the small grey trash bin by the door, that I didn’t even notice someone in my seat until I almost sat down.
“Oh, excuse me.” I said quietly. “You’re in my seat.”
The boy smiled up at me. “I know,” he said. His voice was deep and alluring. “I’m Foster.” When he said his name, there was something in his eyes that changed, like a twinkle, but way sexier.
He rose from my seat, towering at least a foot above me, and sat in the one behind it. I fell into my chair completely confused and believing I was going insane.
Did his eyes just turn…purple?
Last edited by jayleighsmith on Fri Oct 30, 2009 8:03 pm, edited 2 times in total.
"Only love heals. Anger, guilt, and fear can only destroy and separate you from your true capabilities."-Damen




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Hey there Jayleigh!
thanks for the PM, I'll definitely review this chapter for you too!
So let's get started.

“How could one truly know if they like curvy or square objects better? It all depends on the object and the person. For instance, a man might like the look of his circular shaped watch, but also enjoy the look of his 65’ Cadillac. A woman may like hoop earrings, but enjoy the rectangular cut of her engagement ring. There is no real way to be sure.”

Not only is this a good answer but it shows what your character thinks and how
she sees other people around her. I'm not sure if that's what you were going for-but I really liked this, good job!

There are no telepathic connections and I do not get a bruise when she walks into a table

again, good! Giving us a simple yet interesting detail on Fawn and Fayette's relationship.

like a twinkle, but way sexier.

No comma after twinkle.

He rose from my seat, towering at least a foot above me, and sat in the one behind it.

Again no comma after me.

I suggest you build up a little bit more of Fawn's character.
Right now she seems like she's always pissed off. I know she hates Fayette but maybe you
should explain why, something about Fayette must get on her nerves right?

****
Okay,
I thought this chapter was really fun and interesting.
I mean, it captured my interest!
I liked how you wrote this, letting Fayette's character leak through your writing, good job on that as well!
All I'd say is check a few grammar issues and commas and blah blah.
Other than that, you did a wonderful job.

P.S.
Purple eyes? Say what?
I'm getting interested =D
PM me when you write more, I'll be happy to review!
And as always, keep up the good work!

~Pink
There are three rules for writing a novel. Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.
-W. Somerset Maugham




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Hey there!
Again, lovely work. I'm enjoying this story!

Right then, one thing I would love to see is the twins relationship expanded on. Why do they hate each other? Is there a history behind this or have they just never been similar? And I am with Pink here, I want to know why Fawn hates her so much. Again, is there any history or is she just like that?

I loved your opening here as well, the descriptions and wording is awesome!

I didn’t think about how tight his navy blue t-shirt was around his well toned arms and chest. I didn’t think about how his hair fell perfectly over his face and how he flips it with a quick head jerk every so often out of habit. I didn’t think about how beautiful his green eyes were so sincere whenever he looked at me.
Not much, at least.


This made me laugh xD.

Did his eyes just turn…purple?


Say what?! Maybe you should have a little extra there, it comes a little out of the blue.

Overall:
Loved this! It's really capturing my interest and I really want to read more now!

PM me when the next chapter's up!

~Amy
"It is curious how often you humans manage to obtain that which you do not want."

-Spock.


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Sorry I got to this a little late.

Okay, well the reviewers above me got most of the "errors". There isn't much to correct grammar/spelling wise. Overall, this was a very interesting chapter. Especially the end. Purple eyes? I'm really excited to see where this goes. Although I do agree with AquaMarine and that you should expand the last line a little bit. It was a little out of the blue and it made me go: wait...what?

Keep writing and let me know when the next chapter is up.

Sasha

PS: Sorry this isn't much of a review; I'll try to get to your third chapter faster. =D
You told me not to break down. It's the only promise I plan on keeping.




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Hey there! Sorry I didn't get here that fast, but I'll still try to review your second chapter before moving on to the third.

First, I noticed a wee problem in this paragraph.

Instead, I closed my notebook and headed into the kitchen. My mother was there, along with Fawn sitting at the table. They were both multitasking. While they were having a deep discussion about last nights Dancing with the Stars, Mom was flitting around the kitchen preparing dinner, and Fawn was flipping through a magazine.


Mostly, it really isn't bad, but I think that you could reword, or even totally scrap the bolded sentence. It's more important to tell us what they're doing when they multitask, and the last sentence basically gets rid of the need for saying that they were both multitasking.

Next, I just noticed a slight typo here that I don't think anyone pointed out yet.

The contents on the plate where the usual spaghetti and sauce that we eat every night Mom cooks.


I think that you meant to say 'were'.

Also, take a look at the whole paragraph for a minute.

“Fayette!” Mom exclaimed as I entered the room. “You’re just in time for dinner.” She held out a plate for me to take. The contents on the plate where the usual spaghetti and sauce that we eat every night Mom cooks.


The last two sentences seem a bit repetitive, mostly because of the fact that you mentioned 'the plate' twice. Maybe try something like merging them together so you have something like this:

She held out a plate of spaghetti and sauce, which was what we usually have every night that mom cooks.


Just try rewording it a bit and it'll be fine.

Next, I found a little mistake here too.

Our mother let out a very girly, very high school, and extremely dramatic, “Awhh! That’s to bad, sweetie. Maybe your sister can pull a few strings to get you a good role.”


I really like the dialogue here, but I think that you could reword the description a bit. It's not that it doesn't make us imagine exactly what she sounds like, but the wording is a bit awkward.

I've noticed that you have a lot of sentences that have a bit of awkward wording in other places too. I'll quote some of them below.

Marcia printed out a new list stating that people auditioning for the Phantom, would have to come back and re-audition.


I took down last years and stuck the thumb tack through this year’s list and pushed it into the board.


Fawn asked me to meet her at her locker, which was on the other side of the school and up a couple flights of stairs.


His eyes widened with fear, but only for a short moment before he got control of his face.


Next, I just wanted to point out the first two sentences in this paragraph.

I arrived at school far too early in the morning to be legal. I trudged up to Marcia’s makeshift office just outside the girl’s locker room. Her desk was the top of a two drawer filing cabinet and her chair was a simple metal folding chair, her own pillow from home as a cushion. The drama department sure was not at the stop of the school’s high priority list for funds.


Remember that it doesn't really make your story very interesting if you use I to start two or more sentences in a row.

And lastly, I'd just like to point out a run on sentence. Just split it up into seperate sentences and it'll work better.

I was in such a daze and fell into my normal routine of walking to class, throwing out my coffee in the small grey trash bin by the door, that I didn’t even notice someone in my seat until I almost sat down.


That's about it. Overall, I absolutely loved it! This was extremely fun to read, and I'll make sure to read the next chapter ASAP.

P.S. Good job on the last sentence about Foster's purple eyes! I loved it! :lol:
P.S.S. Good luck on the next chapters, and I can't wait to read them!

~ Trish :elephant: :smt005
~ Patricia Tina :smt006

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Spoiler
I lost the game.

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To be honest, everything I noticed was already pointed out by the other reviews. The first part of the story (the beginning) confused me a little with what the class was talking about. I feel like a newbie for writing a review this short and I'm sorry this isn't constructive.

Purple eyes? Awesome! Describe that more or try to led up to it better.

Anyway, unto your other chapters before bed (hopefully).

:)

-Kat
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well played jay leigh smith, i think your cliff hanger pretty interesting (purple eyes?). Out of the two I've read so far I say your writing starting to flow better and story fefiantly advancing the in the right direction. I like how you also relate to the character, i can tell that you put alot of though into her development, maybe even a bi of yourself




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So here I am, checking this out like I promised.

Starting with chapter one, I can see a bit of a familiar story here. Two sisters who both like some guy and one sister seems to get all the breaks even though she's kind of a bitch and the other sister is more sincere and talented even though she keeps it to herself because she's kind of introverted...and the guy is seemingly perfect. Seriously? Hot, confident, mysterious, and he sings "Music of the Night" better than the original? It could just be that I'm a man myself, but this guy bugs me already. Seems too perfect. Hopefully he has some flaws that will become apparent soon.

This Warren guy and the somewhat cliched setup aside, you had a lot of nice touches here. Your chapter intro was very beautiful (even if the phrase "the rain" appeared too much in succession), and your writing generally flows very nicely. There were a couple instances where I felt you told where you could have showed (For example, when the MC storms away from Warren, you didn't really have to point out she was mad), but overall your writing style made reading easy. I also felt for your MC. Just one thing: what was up with the line of purple text towards the end? Is that a mistake, or a deliberate stylistic choice and I just didn't get its importance?

Chapter two continued in much of the same manner, and I still couldn't get over how sickeningly perfect Warren is. Then you got to the chapter end, where this Foster guy shows up. With his eyes turning purple, I immediately realized we were swerving out of a realistic story into a fantasy (or at least semi-fantasy) setting. And I gotta say I like that change, although that's just my personal dislike of realistic stories rearing its head. Only gripe here is the MC describing Foster's eye color change as "sexy". Seemed kind of out of place to me, and I just don't really get how eye color change is seen more as "sexy" than "strange", at least the first time.

You've got me interested now, I just think you would benefit from moving this hint of the supernatural into the first chapter. Might help hook more readers earlier. As is, I went a whole two chapters thinking I was reading something realistic before it became more fantastic. Good job overall though, I'm off to read some more.
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