Storm

Tell me what you think. (This is my first poem, hope you like it) .

Wind whips at my hair through the open bus window,
Creating a witch-like pose around my head.
Dogs howl and I know it is a warning,
It creeps through my body like a spreading disease.

The ocean is far away but I hear it groan,
Its fate decided by the merciless wind,
Whitecapped waves scarring the surrounding earth.

I peer out the window of the bus,
An alien machine with a single purpose.
So close to life, but still so far.

My destination is near.

I walk carefully to the driver,
“Tis time we be stoppin’ at the next road” I remind him.
He nods accordingly and replies “Aye”.
The bus does not stop gently.
I step off uncertainly,

And that’s when the storm begins.

Great imagery, and it makes me want to know what happens next. But it sounds more like the prologue of a book rather than a poem. If you would like to make it a poem, I suggest you make it flow. Put a little rythm in there, and there's usually no dialogue in a poem. But you've got the hand for prose, and that, to me, is the main thing.

Beautiful, you created a world that seems interesting, it's one I want to get lost in, which i rare for me, it could use maybe a little more of a dramatic effect, but if you continue this i feel it will come later. Great Job!!!

Wow, great poem! It's got such lovely language and a sense of rhythm even though it doesn't really have a rhythm... If you know what I mean... and then it's all about getting off a bus in a storm! Really my sort of poem. A few comments:

Wind whips at my hair furiously,
Creating a witch-like pose around my head.
Too much description. They're good phrases but they've both got a lot of description so I would take one of them out - probably the first one, because personally I don't like adverbs much. So maybe find something instead of the 'furiously'
Dogs howl and I know it is a warning, I like the 'and' in this line, it gives it a nice feel, not sure why
It creeps through me like a spreading disease. Lovely metaphor. I'm not usually much of a fan of them but this is nice.

The ocean is far not grammatically correct. The ocean is far away but I can hear it groan at the mercy of the wind,
It’s white-caps scarring the surrounding earth.

I peer out the window of the bus,
An alien machine with a single purpose.
A single goal embedded into its machinery,
So close to life, but still so far.

I see my destination is near.

I walk carefully to the driver,
“Tis time we be stoppin’ at the next road” I request. This isn't really a request; although the sound of the line is lovely it doesn't make complete sense. I like the language you've used for the speech.
He nods accordingly and replies “Aye”.
The bus does not stop gently. Beautiful, simple and gets the message across.
I step off uncertainly,

And that’s when the storm begins. I absolutely love this line.

Just a couple of my opinions, and some which you would need to change if you were going to publish it because the words don't quite make sense.

Hi Mo! Kat's here again! You're my first (and probably only) review that'll make on my birthday, so feel special

So, I won't be nit-picking much because I adored this! As the above reviewers have mentioned, this has great imagery and it sure makes me want to know what happens next. I can actually picture everything on my head, like a movie playing in front of my eyes.

I have few advices on this, and one of them is to watch the description. It's good; but if you put too much in it will sound like a narration (story) rather than a poem. But that's just a small little thing; you have great, awesome imagery.

Just one small, little thing:

A single goal embedded into its machinery,

I just wanted to point out this because you already told us that the bus has one and only purpose on the above line of this one, so the repetition doesn't do you any good. Maybe you were trying to make it a stanza with four verses, but if you add something else or simply scratch this out that would be much better.

And that's about how far as it goes! I'm really happy with this, to see that your first poem is this great - that's very promising

Have a good day!
- Kat

Need a Hero? Need a Review? I'm Hiro...

Okay let's do this:

The first two lines are cool but...

Mo. wrote:Wind whips at my hair furiously,Creating a witch-like pose around my head.

could be...

Mo. wrote:Wind whips furiously at my hair,Creating a witch-like pose around my head.

Mo. wrote:Dogs howl and I know it is a warning,It creeps through me like a spreading disease.

could be...

Mo. wrote:Dogs howl what I know are warnings,It creeps through me like a spreading disease.

Need a Hero? Need a Review? I'm Hiro...

Okay let's do this:

The first two lines are cool but...

Mo. wrote:Wind whips at my hair furiously,Creating a witch-like pose around my head.

could be...

Mo. wrote:Wind whips furiously at my hair,Creating a witch-like pose around my head.

Mo. wrote:Dogs howl and I know it is a warning,It creeps through me like a spreading disease.

could be...

Mo. wrote:Dogs howl what I know are warnings,It creeps through me like a spreading disease.

Mo. wrote:The ocean is far but I can hear it groan at the mercy of the wind,It’s white-caps scarring the surrounding earth.

No problem there.

Mo. wrote:I walk carefully to the driver,

Carefully?

And that's all I have to say. This is my first review of a poem and I've barely ever written one so you might not want to take it so seriously.

Okay, I think I have fixed everything, (if not most) of the things mentioned.
The flow? It doesn't really have a poetic sort of feel (yet), so I shall be working on that.

~Mo.

Hey there Mo! Here as requested!

Ok, first off I really, really like your poem. It's wonderful. Now that you've edited it, it's even better!

One problem I have is that occasionally it sounds more like a story than a poem, as you said, the flow isn't all poetic.
But, that's very easy to change!

I'm just going to go through and pick out a couple of things. Please bear in mind that generally the things I pick out aren't grammar mistakes or other really detrimental things. Rather, they are words and phrases I think could be changed to make the poem better.

It creeps through me like a spreading disease.

I think this might be better if you change "me" to "my body". It just ... sounds good.

It’s white-caps scarring the surrounding earth.

I have to say, I fell in love with this line! However, I also thought that the phrase "white-capped waves" was really pretty, for some reason. I like what you have already, that's just an alternative idea.

I see my destination is near.

Maybe scratch the "I see". I like the effect of really short sentences.

“Tis time we be stoppin’ at the next road” I remind him.
He nods accordingly and replies “Aye”.

I love your word choice!

And that’s when the storm begins.

Beautiful!

Overall:
I loved this poem muchly! It's descriptive, well thought out and has the right balance of imagery and simple words. The suggestions I've made aren't too important, just random ideas I had. It's really amazing!

~Amy

Hey Mo! Blu here, as promised!

Your poem was really good! It created a great imagery that I could see inside my mind as I read, like a movie in my eyelids. Awesome job!

Okay, so as you already said, your poem doesn't really have a poetic flow. That's not too hard to change, but you need to make sure you're not making your poem more of prose then a poem. Sometimes short, snappy lines do the job quite well.

Dogs howl and I know it is a warning,

I think "it is" should be "it's". I just think it sounds... better? It flows a bit easier, that's for sure.

The ocean is far away but I hear it groan at the mercy of the wind,

This line stood out from all of the other lines. I guess it's because it's much longer then any of the others. It could use some editing, but as to what, I'm not very sure myself. Maybe you could tweak it a little?

It’s white-caps scarring the surrounding earth.

No apostrophe.

Overall, I really liked it! Your poem was well done, and I can't wait to see more of you work!

Keep writing!

~blu

This is a great poem, I really loved the way you described everything - the imagery was great. I can see you've really put a lot of work into this and by the look of the comments above you've corrected a lot too. It's really awesome to see your open to criticism and suggestions. I really like the poem as it is and yeah, just like someone said, it's as if it's a prologue to a novel.

Really good job - i starred it .

Quite good for a first poem.

The technique of building the climax was just brilliant.The element of surprise was very nice and the overall presentation was brilliant.

The last line is at the right place at the right time.

All the best.

Okay, fixed a bit (I'm pretty sure I've fixed everything that has been mentioned, if not most), also tweaked a few lines. What do you think?

~Mo. xD

Yay i like this poem!! It is STORMY, lol. You know, i wrote a poem about a storm too. This is good, though i must admit i didn't completely understand all of it. But oh well thas fine. Haha, i liked the "Aye" part, Hurray for aussie lingo!!!!!!!! lol. But nice job!!!

[quote="Mo."]Tell me what you think. (This is my first poem, hope you like it) .

Wind whips at my hair,
Creating a witch-like pose around my head.
Dogs howl and I know it is a warning,
It creeps through my body like a spreading disease.

i like this part of your poem because when you say wind whips at my hair creating a witch like pose around my head it makes me feel like every day in wyoming were the wind never wtops blowing. and i also like the part were you said it creeps through my body liek a spreading disease because it gave me chills and it also is very good because that is what diseases do. good job.