Little Voice in My Head

Not sure if this is good. Just started writing. Please let me know if this is good so far.


I looked down at street at the plethora of cigarette buds and other trash. Disgusting.

"You shouldn't be looking at the trash, I think it could be bad for your brain"

"Shut up!" I yelled.

" No, you should be going to work right now. Remember that you promised your boss you would finally be arriving to work on time>"

"Why can't you mess with somebody Else's brain! You know you have not even mentioned who or what you are to me?"

People began to stare. I was a walking freak show to them and always would be as long as this thing talked to me. Who knew that when voices started talking to you in your head you would be considered crazy!

"I feel bad for you I really do, it's not my fault I'm drawn to you! Oh and in case you didn't know I am a human as yourself. My name is Ryan and I've noticed that I can put thoughts in peoples head, for some reason I've choose you to be that person."

"Oh thank you almighty Ryan I feel relieved! But really, please choose someone else to annoy!"

I think you have a very good idea here (I tried writing something similar a long time ago). Anyway, this could be expanded on. How does Ryan put thoughts in other peoples' heads? How did he find this out? How did your main character find out that he was in her head? Was she scared? Besides feeling annoyed, what else is she feeling?

"You shouldn't be looking at the trash, I think it could be bad for your brain"

"Shut up!" I yelled.

You have a quick change of emotions here. Actually, I think your main character is overreacting a bit. Why is she so mad?

"I feel bad for you I really do, it's not my fault I'm drawn to you! Oh and in case you didn't know I am a human as yourself. My name is Ryan and I've noticed that I can put thoughts in peoples head, for some reason I've choose you to be that person."

OK, you give us a whole lot of information in a few sentences. How is Ryan "drawn" to your main character? How did he just "notice" that he could put thoughts into other peoples' heads?

Also, where are your descriptions? What do your characters look like? What does the setting look like?

So, this could be much longer and you need to expand more. Right now, it's too short. You don't give us enough information.

But, I am interested to see where you take this. It's a good idea! Oh, and here at YWS we have a 3:1 review/work ratio thingy. You have to critique 3 other pieces of writing before you post something of your own, or else you won't get any reviews. Check the Information Desk for the rules.

Good luck and I hope I helped!

Sasha

Okay, I liked it a lot. I mean, a lot. I thought there was a problem of info dump, however [I get that all the time]. How about you split it up into more conversation? Such as:
"Leave me alone you freak!"
"Who's the freak? Buy yeah, maybe you're right. I mean, people shouldn't be able to do this.Put thoughts in other people's heads and stuff."
"People?"
"Well, yeah. I'm human."
Something along those lines, maybe? Have you maybe read or seen "As the death god dictates"? I'm not recomending it, and the characters [in my opinion] were behaving all wrong, but if you'd like, it talks about the same main thing. She's the only one who sees him, and everybody think she's going crazy, while he's annoying the bujibees out of her.
Umm, another little problem. He chose her? Out of thin air? No. Very, highly unlikely. I mean, think about it, if you were him, and you were attatching your mind to one person, you wouldn't just pick someone off the street. Much less a girl! Unless he had an ulterior motive, in which case it's fine, I would like some explenation. If he's simply the crazy type who would shrug and say "Just for the fun of it" then that's okay too, but that's a certain kind of character that you see a lot - think hard about if you want to develop it like this.
As I said before, I like your plot line.I also think the conversation was witty, and for a short conversation very intruiging. You wrote I choose, I think you meant chose, as in past. But okay. I thought some of the lines were very unfluent, such as: You have not. People [normally] don't talk like that. In order to make it more fluent, I suggest "You haven't" and the likes. Okay, done with that. You capetilized the E. No need to do that.
I think I got a sense of you MC, as well as Ryan [loved the name] and I liked it. If you do keep writing it, please PM me with the link.
Thanks
ofir

My dearest Sammy, this was great! Told you you should post something.

OK, onto the review...

It was a really good idea, but there was a few grammatical errors, and I definitely think you should write more about Ryan and the mystery girl. Good job!


(Are you using the spell check?)


Love,
Your Favorite Nutty Ever

Hello, PuffSammy. My name is Jayleigh and I will review for you this evening.

I looked down at street at the plethora of cigarette buds and other trash. Disgusting.

I love the word plethora...it's just fun to say. At the end there, you just add discusting. Well, is there any way you could elaborate on that? Maybe make a comment about the silly pigs that leave that kind of stuff behind?

"You shouldn't be looking at the trash, I think it could be bad for your brain"

First off, this is two different sentences. Second, how on earth could that hurt one's brain? Is Ryan a child? Adult? What does his voice sound like inside your MC's head?

"Shut up!" I yelled.

Umm. No. Wouldn't she have a mental thought. Something like: Oh, not you again. Something to tell your reader that this is not the first visit from Ryan.

be arriving to work on time>"[/i]

Weird little arrow at the end? Umm edit it out.

"Why can't you mess with somebody Else's brain! You know you have not even mentioned who or what you are to me?"

Hmm, split this up. Have her ask about the messing with somebody else's brain first. Then have him answer what he says following(about being drawn to her). Then have her ask what he is to her.

People began to stare. I was a walking freak show to them and always would be as long as this thing talked to me. Who knew that when voices started talking to you in your head you would be considered crazy!

This is a rather confusing rant and not a thought train. Where is she?

"I feel bad for you I really do, it's not my fault I'm drawn to you! Oh and in case you didn't know I am a human as yourself. My name is Ryan and I've noticed that I can put thoughts in peoples head, for some reason I've choose you to be that person."

He talks kind of...different. You know? So not human. Also, comma after 'Oh' and your last sentence should be two different sentences.

"Oh thank you almighty Ryan I feel relieved! But really, please choose someone else to annoy!"

"Oh, thank you, almight Ryan. I feel so relieved." After a moments pause, I continue in a more pleading tone. "Seriously, could you pick on someone else? Please?" Doesn't that sound better?

Okay. So, I really really like the idea you have started. I just wish it could be longer. Please do continue with this. I'd love to see where you take it.

-Jayleigh

Thanks for all the feedback. I don't know fi I will continue this was kinda a fist time thing.
Thank you all!

That was really good. I like how you started withe something so random and you're building it into something so large. But I think the expaining on how he can get into other people's minds should be re-aranged