Otherworld - Prologue (part 1)

This is only the first part of the prologue to my new story, but before I write on I want to see if this is a catchy beginning or not. I'll probably change the title ('Otherworld') later, when I come up with something better. I do have a plot, characters and world thought out for this story, but nothing else written yet save drafts.


Prologue

Mist drifted in from the sea, clinging to the rocks that jutted from the dark waters. Cerys stood on the windy beach, clutching her child in her arms, looking apprehensively at the darkness surrounding her. She could not see more than a few feet ahead; the moon was but a hazy crescent in the black sky, giving her no light. Even the burning torches of Fort Mordin had disappeared beyond the thick sea mists.

Her heart pounded as her eyes searched the fog. Was he hiding there? Was he watching her from the shadows? Cerys shuddered at the thought, and her hands trembled as she pulled her heavy cloak closer around herself and her child. Her dread growing, she took a careful step backwards, then another. She wanted to run, quickly, back to the fort – but at that moment she felt the pull of his spell again, willing her to stay.

“No,” Cerys whispered, shaking her head in disbelieve. “You can’t have this much power…” She struggled against his grip on her body, but found she was frozen in place; her will was not as strong as his magic. She gasped in frustration.

“Leave me alone!” she cried out, causing her daughter to stir in her arms. Cerys held the child closer, cuddling her tightly as she stared fearfully into the dark mists before her. She listened for a sound, expecting heavy footfalls plodding the muddy shore, and the stirring of clothing in the wind. Yet, all was still but for the waves lapping calmly at the beach.

He’s gone, she hoped, he knows I will not simply give her to him. Arianrhod, please let him be gone…

Then her heart stopped as a black silhouette appeared suddenly in the fog.

_______

I would appreciate constructive criticism, but just telling me whether you liked this or not is welcome, too!

Hmm... I could feel the potential but you couldn't hook me. However you managed to draw out a rough outline of what I think your story is going to be about in such a small space, good.

Pointers:

Create a hook, why should I read? What's so special about this lady, why is she here. What's her realtionship to the mist guy? The baby and of course how did the lady get there. You kind of dumped her there and expected us to know why and how.

However it is an interesting plot, just get a hook like this maybe:

Envy-the-Sinners wrote:“No,” Cerys whispered, shaking her head in disbelieve. “You can’t have this much power…” She struggled against his grip on her body, but found she was frozen in place; her will was not as strong as his magic. She gasped in frustration. She was hopeless, her baby would die. A painful lump formed in her throat and tears welled up, reddening her sky blue eyes.

It's your story though, just make it comfortable and give it a hook. I have no other things to worry about as it was quiet short. Just revise and make it more of something you want to read, relate the title to the story as well. There are tons of Otherworlds, why is yours so special? That's when your meant to connect your title to your story.

Any questions? You can PM me. Writing more and want a review? PM.

Thanks for the story. Bye.

Hey its IR here. I'm here to review your story so far and give (hopefully) some good pointers. PM me if you have any questions.

The first they i thought was like i was impressed with the descriptions. I could picture it in my mind well. Somethings to change in the beginning as the new hero suggested is a hook. Somebody once commented that the first line of your story should grab the ready by the throat and pull them in, so work on that.

Then her heart stopped as a black silhouette appeared suddenly in the fog.

this was a very good ending line the the story but i felt like a hungry animal that waited for five minutes for a piece of food and was given just a sliver of carrot. I know you said it was only a part of the prologue but its a part for a reason, because its not good without the rest, so post the rest. I'm not trying to be harsh, i liked it, but its ,like only seeing part of a painting. You cant understand what its showing or love it.

Overall good job! Keep writing!!

I like it. It creative of but the story starts out of nowhere. you do have your MC in the beginning but you don't have the conflict in the beginning. If you make it into a story have a intro. or if you are going to keep the beginning out of nowhere then write a story that goes before this story. I hope you will write more of this story because it's good just needs a few changes.

Thank you so much for the reviews! I understand what you mean about hooking the reader. I see now that I wasn't really telling the reader anything about Cerys or the conflict. I'll rewrite this piece and post the prologue when it's finished (completely this time ).

I really didn't get it. I think it's mostly because this really isn't my writing style, but I agree with the others, you just placed her there. I know that if I was writing I'd have the character question why and how she ended up there.
I also have to point out that you really didn't describe the dark figure. Was it tall and lanky or short and plump? I have one withstanding question- how do you pronounce the woman's name? Cerys? It sounds cool. I really didn't find any grammer mistakes, so it's all within the matter of keeping the readers interested. I was very interested but I just wish there was more to the material.
Update me please!

Good hookline!

scrap the first paragraph. Everything revealed in the first paragraph can be entwined in the events. You don't need to establish the setting from the first word. Leave it a bit misty. I like the dark sillouete make it a tall dark sillouete and I'm sold. The 'mothers love' theme is always a goodie. Let me guess, the baby grows up the mother dies at the peak of the crescendo and the baby becomes a hero? or does his mother die here and he/she is raised by the baddie and therefore becomes a baddie ala Anniken Skywalker? oh the possibilities. I enjoyed it but some tweaking will work wonders. Good Luck!
JP

I agree with TheNewHero. It's a good start and it has a hook, but it wasn't quite prominent enough for me to really feel like I want to continue reading.

I like your description of the mist, good imagery in my opinion.

“No,” Cerys whispered, shaking her head in disbelieve.

'Disbelieve' should be 'disbelief'.

With another edit or two this will be a great piece. I'll be keeping an eye out for more.

Thanks for the reviews! They're really helpful. I'll keep all of your suggestions in mind as I rewrite and finish this piece.

I pronounce Cerys as Keh-ris. It's a Welsh name, as are all the names in my story. The story is inspired by Welsh mythology, but it's not based on any Welsh myths or stories.