TEARS

“Wait…” I say. He stops, and turns around. This guy, I fell in love with, I cannot have. “I love you,” I say to him. He looks at me with his angelic blue eyes then looks at the ground. He murmurs something under his breath but I don’t understand him.
“Sorry… I can’t love you… I love someone else.” he says to me. My heart starts pounding; I brace myself on the dying willow tree then I start crying. I knew that he didn’t love me but I had to hear it from him.
“You… love my best friend, don’t you?” I ask him. I just have to hear him say no, to live on.
He walks closer to me, he smells like cigarette smoke. In his sincere voice he says, “Yes, I love your best friend. I’m truly sorry.”
He walks away leaving a faint scent of a cigarette in the air. I lay on the wet green grass; I’m crying and crying with the rain that is pouring down. The rain is like my tears, they just won’t stop, pouring down and soaking me. The man, I love, is in love with my best friend.
The rain stops pouring and I walk home on the busy sidewalk. I can’t live anymore, because what I live for is not mine and will never be mine. Once I get home, I open the large doors to my bedroom. The pitch black darkness of my room pours out of the golden doors. I fling myself on my large black and golden bed in the center of my room. I scream into a black, gold-rimmed pillow and I start crying again. I lay on my bed all night, awake.
I walk slowly to school the next day. I see him with my best friend talking. He looks at me; my eyes widen. I turn around and walked away from him. Walking became running; my emotions are racing through my mind. I find myself walk around on the roof of the large old school. I then walk onto the ledge of the roof. I stare down at the cement pavement that lays three floors down. I’m going to die today, on a rainy day, and no one will really care. No one notices me at school, at home, nowhere at all. My mind runs blank; I don’t have any thoughts running through my head. I step closer to the edge. All I hear is the rain pouring down. “DON’T JUMP,” is the last thing I heard from the man that smells like the smoke of cigarettes.

hello, Kikaharu. I'm Jayleigh and I'll be reviewing your post today.

I drop to the ground, next to the dying willow tree and start crying. I knew that he didn't love me but I had to hear it from him.

I think just dropping to the ground is a weeee bit over dramatic here. Maybe her heart starts to pound/falls in her bell/etc and she braces herself against the dead willow? Maybe?

"You... love my best friend, don't you?" I ask him. I just have to hear him say no, to live on.

Why does she suddenly suspect that he loves her best friend?

He walks closer to me, he smells like smoke of a cigarette, and then he says, "Yes, I love your best friend. I'm truly sorry."

I think you should end the sentence after cigarette. And then start the next one with describing how his voice will sound. is he sincere or does he just want to get the heck out of there. Do you know what i mean?

The man, I love, is in love with my best friend.

I'm not sure that there'd be a comma after man. I think it's just one unbroken sentence if read out loud.

I walk home, on the busy sidewalk, in the rain.

Again, you over use commas here.

I can'tlive anymore, because what I live for is not mine and will never be mine.

Again, she is a bit over dramatic. And there needs to be a space between "can't" and "live".

that has a golden rim, and I start crying again.

I think you should mention her sleepless night...something like that to end the section.

I got to school, the next day, and I walk slowly.

'Go' instead of "got". And again, you use commas way too often. Read what you've written out loud to find the breaks in the sentences. I realize you do it for dramatic pause, but if you do it too often, it looses its power.

I'm very depressed that he likes my best friend.

You don't need this in here. We can already tell she is in a zombie-like-existance. Do not spell things out like this...please.

AI see him with my best friend talking.

1. Ouch, that's gotta hurt . 2. AI? did you mean I?

He looks at me; I turn around and walked away from him.

Why? Did her eyes widen in shock that he looked? Did her heart drop? What did his face look like?

Walking became running and I find myself on the roof of the large old school.

Umm, cut this up. After running, put in something about her emotions. Something that will drive her to the roof.

I walk around on the roof, as it rains out,

Again, comma over usage.

I'm going to die, today on a rainy day, and no one will really care.

I can see that you want to keep this rather short. But put in examples of how no one else notices her as well. Like how she went to her room to cry and no one came to check on her. How when she got to school, eyes blood shot, and she had no friends to ask what was wrong. Something like that?

My mind runs blank; I don't have any thoughts running threw my head.

Through

All I hear is the rain pouring down. "DON'T JUMP" is the last thing I heard from the man that I love and smells like the smoke of cigarettes

Comma after "JUMP" and your trying to keep this present or past? I've had the impression you were going for a present narration. If so, heard should be hear. also, "the man that i love..." after love should be 'that' instead of "and" I think it just sounds better.

This is a very dark and dramatic piece. Granted, yes, it's short. But I didn't quite get the feel of who your MC really is. Otherwise, it was very interesting. Good luck with your writing.

-Jayleigh

I really liked this piece. It is not my usual type of writing, but it is really interesting. I like how dark and dramatic you make it, it really sets a mood. Although it had a couple of flaws, mostly grammar and splelling, it was still a good selection to read. It is fairly short, but it got the point across. I really like this. If youplan on writing a novel you should sign up for www.sywtwab.yolasite.com.
20p

Hi! I'm Mo and I'll be reviewing your peice

This guy, I fell in love, I cannot have.

This sentence doesnt really make that much sense. Maybe; This guy I fell in love with... or I have fallen in love with? I don't think you need the comma after guy.

Once I get home, I open the large doors to my bedroom. The pitch black darkness of my room poured out of the large golden doors.

Here I think you have said large too many times, the second large doesn't need to be there (we already know they are large doors). Or maybe even just: ...poured out of them.

I fling myself on my, large black and golden, bed that's in the center of my room. I scream into a black pillow, that has a golden rim, and I start crying again. I lay on my bed all night awake.

Again I think that you have said 'large' and 'golden' too many times, try to use other words. It makes it more interesting.

Walking became running; my emotions are racing through my mind.

Walking becomes running. I think that would flow better.

I find myself walk around on the roof of the large old school. I then walk onto to the ledge of the roof.

I think you could replace the second 'walk' to step or something like that. You don't need the word 'then' in the second sentence.

I’m going to die, today on a rainy day, and no one will really care.

Just a little thing. I think where you have written 'today on a rainy day' is again a bit repetitive. Maybe it could be something like; ...today, as the rain dampens my soul. Or something of that sort. I think something like that would sound better. (I just thought that would add to the drama).

No one notices me at school, at home, nowhere at all. My mind runs blank; I don’t have any thoughts running through my head.

I don't think you need that line (strikeout) because you are just restating what was just said in the previous four words.

I step closer to the edge. All I hear is the rain pouring down. “DON’T JUMP,” is the last thing I heard from the man that I love that smells like the smoke of cigarettes.

You need a line break for "Don't jump". also, I think you were going for a present tense so that should be hear.

Great work. I really liked it. You set the mood really well.

~Mo.

Hi Kikaharu, I'm Fairy and I'll critique your piece today.

The bolded and red parts are changes I made/suggest.

"Wait..." I say. He stops, and turns around. This guy, I fell in love, I cannot have. "I love you," I say to him. He looks at me and then looks at the ground. He murmurs something but I don't understand him.

That is not a sentence. Make it one or omit it. Using "this guy" sounds so crude and detached. Maybe say "this man I love" or "this boy I love" so the reader understands how much he matters to her.

Before you put the end quotation of dialogue, you need to put a comma, unless the dialogue ends with an exclamation point (!), ellipse (...) or a dash (—).

You need an and between "me" and "then."

"Sorry... I can't love you... I love someone else," he says to me. My heart starts pounding; I brace myself on the dying willow tree and I start crying. I knew that he didn't love me but I had to hear it from him.

Before you put the end quotation of dialogue, you need to put a comma, unless the dialogue ends with an exclamation point (!), ellipse (...) or a dash (—).

"He" should have a lowercase h. It's a grammar rule. "Dialogue," she/he/they/Name said. Only capitalize the noun if it is a person's name.

That sounds unrealistic and cheesy. Why? Because the reader knows nothing about how much the girl truly loves the boy. I mean, yeah, the MC tells him that she loves him, but that's the only bit of info we have. You need to SHOW us WHY she loves him. Does she take care of him? Is she nice to him? Why does she like him? If you don't show the reader how much the MC loves him, then the reader will think that's it's silly that some girl declares her love and then bawls because he rejects her.

"brace" sounds odd. A person usually braces for a blow. Is the tree attacking the MC? Maybe you meant embrace, which is kind of like hugging or holding someone/something. Don't use "brace" because it sounds awkward.

"You... love my best friend, don't you?" I ask him. I just have to hear him say no, to live on.

Omit "him" because it's obvious that the MC is talking to the boy.

That is questionable. After she finds out he loves her best friend, she jumps off the building, right? Which is completely ironic. Was that what you were trying to get at? I think you should just omit, unless you were trying to add some irony.

He walks closer to me, he smells like smoke of a cigarette. In his sincere voice he says, “Yes, I love your best friend. I’m truly sorry.” He walks away; with only a faint scent of a cigarette in the air. I lie on the wet green grass; I'm crying and crying with the rain that is pouring down. The rain is like my tears, <-- comma splice! they just won't stop, pouring down and soaking me. The man, I love, is in love with my best friend.

That "sentence" contains a comma splice. A comma splice is when you take two independent clauses (which are basically sentences) and mash them together with a comma. That is a grammatical error. You have to add a conjunction, whether it is "and" or "but" or "yet." In this case, if you're going to keep those clauses together in the same sentence, you should use "and" instead of the comma.

You used the word cigarette twice in the same paragraph. I suggest you to take out the "with only a faint scent of a cigarette in the air" part because you misused the semicolon before that phrase. Just clip the sentence short so it reads "He walks away."

You lie on the grass. She lies on the grass. The chicken lays on the grass. Rule: People lie and things lay. So the sentence should say "I lie," just as I have edited it in the quote.

Oh no. Another comma splice! Change it.

All of these commas that I bolded and put in blue should be removed. They're needless.


I don't have the time to critique the rest of the prose right now. Maybe I'll find some time later.

I'll just wrap it up as quickly as I can.

Your main character is completely flat. Well-rounded characters are what people to read about because they feel drawn to the characters. You can make your character a more understandable, realistic person by SHOWING how she does things rather than telling us. For example, you say "I knew that he didn't love me but I had to hear it from him." You could SHOW us this feeling by putting in her thoughts or her actions. (Ex: His words echoed through my head. He doesn't love me. My body turned rigid—I was paralyzed, unable to move.) Try to avoid saying "I did blah blah" or "I felt blah blah" because you can show the reader. In other words, try to use "I" as little as possible.

Your sub-character, the MC's crush, is also flat. You may want to describe how he looks. (Ex: I stare into his green eyes. "You... You love my best friend, don't you?" I ask, the words stale and desperate.) Also, why is he so attractive and special to your MC? You need to show that, or else your main character will look like some flimsy, boy-crazed, weak-minded girl.

Despite my critiques (which can come off as harsh and condescending), this short story idea has potential. It really could be something. I like the ending sentence because it makes the reader wonder why the boy suddenly cared about the MC--why he followed her to the roof.

All in all...
- Watch out for comma splices and extraneous commas
- Develop your characters more
- Show, not tell
- Make sure you write dialogue properly


If you revise "Tears," then let me know. I'd like to see how it turns out.


- Fairy

Nice job Girli

Wow. The ending was especially vivid and packed full of imagery and emotion. I loved the whole thing. This is the kind of writing that attracts me. I have to say, the first half was a bit confusing with a few fragments or commas where I don't think there should have been. I hate to say anything bad about this, but that's all I could find. Great job!! Please write more! I'd love to read it.

~Lukan