FACEMAP. Chapter 3. [R-13 for Swear Words]

Chapter 3 is up^^ If you are new to this sort-of story, then please read chapter's 1 and 2. Once again I'll review a piece of your work if you review this, just PM what you'd like done and I'll see to it. Many thanks^^ Word count: 1644. P.S Sorry my chapters are getting shorter and shorter, I'll try and make the next chapter at least 2000 words.
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It was six years now, since I've seen Trey. The last time I saw him, he was incredibly scruffy. I made a mental note to never try drugs, obviously they fucked up your appearance, too. And I was already have enough problems with my skin at the moment, I didn't need to lose my sense of style, either.

We reached the station in under ten minutes, and I noticed a pretty cute officer woman talking to some guys by the front desk as we walked in. One of them got my eye as I passed and grinned, as if to say The ladies love the bad guys, huh mate? I quickly turned my head. Link stuck close to my side, and I almost felt like comforting him, but couldn't bring myself to share emotions, not just yet. Two shocks in two days and I was tired. Officer Seeley stopped to talk to someone, a small guy with a huge nose. Wow, I thought, how did he balance with that? Yeah, slap me, I'm mean. Link looked at the guy and back to me with an amazed expression. I hit him with the back of my hand.
"Don't be rude, Link. Jeez" I muttered. Link rolled his eyes and crossed his arms. Officer Seeley turned to us.
"Right, kiddos. In here, Trey should be here soon," he announced, gesturing towards the door behind him. He opened it up and we walked in. There was a table in the middle, with four seats around it. I assumed the fourth was for Trey, but that assumption was soon proved wrong as a second officer came in. We all sat down and the officer smiled warmly at us.

"G'day boys, I'm Officer Rodney, and I see you've already met my friend Officer Seeley. I suppose he already gave you two the low-down on your parent's deaths?" Officer Rodney asked. Great, this was my chance.
"No, he didn't actually. Can you tell me please what's gonna happen to the killer? I mean, he's being jailed, right? He's gotta be jailed, he killed our parents!" I choked. Officer Seeley opened his mouth but Officer Rodney raised a hand to stop him.
"Alright mate, I'll tell you what's happening. The guy was called Jill Kakes. His son Kane went to your school, I believe?" Officer Rodney said. I froze. Kane Kakes, I knew him. He was in my year- my class, actually. I tightened my knuckles, and stopped when I saw they had turned pale. Officer Rodney nodded his head at me, waiting for a confirmation. I cleared my throat and nodded.
"Yeah, Kane, I know him" I responded automatically. Officer Rodney grunted and nodded, then peered back down into his papers. Kane Kakes. His dad killed my dad. I'm so going to fucking kill Kane, I thought angrily. Kane thought he was the coolest, even though once or twice he'd tried to scrap me, and lost. Okay, so maybe everyone else thought he was cool, but that was only because he was the school tyrant, and he was the only year ten to smoke, drink and do drugs. Plus he could drive already. To me, however, he was just another loser.

"So, Skye, Mr. Kakes will be going to trial in a few weeks time, when the court opens, and the case is our priority here at the station. We do expect Mr. Kakes to be doing time for quite a while in prison, so don't worry, justice will be served. I'm so sorry that it had to be your parents that were killed. As for your brother, Trey, we've contacted him and he should be coming soon. As far as we know, he doesn't have a permanent residency here in the city, but that should be no problem. Trey has two choices, he can either get a place here or take you else where. Really, that's up to you three to decide" Officer Rodney explained kindly. There was a tap on the door, and an officer walked in with a tall, scraggly man. My jaw dropped. Trey. He was here.

When you imagine a reunion, you imagine bouncing into each others arms. You imagine screaming and jumping up and down, asking about each other's lives, all in one breath. But when I saw Trey, I wanted nothing more then to run off, Link in tow, and run back to our home. Or run back in time. Run back to when I was a kid and nobody died, they just left for a little while. I blinked dizzily at the sight of Trey, and then fell into darkness.

"Wake up boy" A rough voice growled in my ear. I moaned, and clutched my head. There was a loud grumble in the back ground, and wind scratched at my face. I opened my eyes, wondering where I was. There was a ceiling above me, but not the type of ceiling a room would have. This ceiling looked fabricated. Then I noticed Trey, leaning back towards me. He was sitting in a grey, furry seat, and finally I made sense of my surroundings. I was in a car. I pulled myself into sitting position and saw Link motionless and timid in the front. We were on a road, heading somewhere.

"Where are we going?" I asked. Trey was turned back towards the front. His eyes were blood-shot again and my heart failed for a few seconds; he was still on the drugs. He truly is a drug addict, I thought, heart-broken.
"Away from here. How old are you now, lad? Twelve? Thirteen? Jeezus," he hiccuped, "who's this one? I don't remember having this kid around back at the Morris crib" he finished sluggishly, pointing a dirty finger at Link, who cringed away from Trey's focus.
"I'm fifteen, and Link is our brother. He was only two when you left. He's eight now" I snarled defensively. Trey growled at me.
"Don't get smart lad or I'll smash you. Is he mute or something? Hasn't spoken a bloody word to me since we started our ride. You've been out for about 20 minutes, lad. Fainted as soon as I walked through the door, I always knew you were a pussy" he snickered. White explosions set off in my skull, and an intense burning throbbed at my temples.
"I'm not a fucking pussy. And he's been mute since our parents died. Do you remember them, Trey? Our parents? Or is your brain too messed up with the drugs? Jeez, don't they even test the people they plan giving kids to?" I retorted angrily.
"Shut the fuck up" Trey screamed, swerving the car madly. Luckily it was a long road in the middle of no where, just a bunch of crop fields, and we didn't hit anything. I clutched onto the car seat for dear life, my heart set off into a mad panic. There was a loud thump and the car screeched to a halt. A few drops of blood splattered onto the window screen, and Trey fell silent.

"Link?" I squeaked, peering forwards, my head in between the two front seats.
"Get out of the fucking car," Trey said darkly. I didn't disobey, and quickly scampered out. Trey joined me seconds later, and opened Link's door. Link flopped down in his seat belt, blood dripping off his face. Trey swore and scooped up Link in one hand, unclicking the seat belt in the other. He placed Link down onto the gravel. Link whimpered. "Easy lad, it's just a bloody nose. Thank goodness. Here, sit up, hold it like this." Trey waited patiently for Link to sit up, and showed him how to pinch his nose to stop the blood. Link nodded his appreciation, and Trey turned to me. "Link, get in the car" Trey ordered gently. I opened the door to get back in but Trey's arm struck out and slammed it. "No, you stay boy. How fucking dare you hurt Link, he's just a kid" Trey roared. Fear slid across my chest, but my mouth didn't notice.

"You didn't even remember him until a few moments ago! And it's true, Trey, you are a druggie!" I yelled back at him. Trey's eyes slitted and he leaped at me. I was thrown back onto the ground and gave a cry of pain; rocks stuck into my back. Trey was heavy on top of me, and soon left me gasping for breath.
"You filthy little cunt! I'm gonna fuck you up bad!" He shook me so violently my eyes almost rolled into the back of my head.
"Do it then" I croaked. I instantly regretted it. Trey's nails sliced into my shoulders and he pulled me close to him; nose to nose.
"When the little lad's not here, when he's asleep. You're going to wish you were never born. You scum" He spat. He pushed me back into the gravel and jumped off, going 'round the side of the car to get into the drivers seat. I wanted to die on the spot, but some how my legs pushed me up and I wobbled over to the door.

I wasn't going to give Trey the satisfaction of the pain he gave me. The back of my shirt was torn, I could tell, because wind cut into my scratches and gave a cool chill down my spine. Silent, I stepped back into the car and sat down, trying to keep on a brave face. Link seemed unaware of what happened, too focused on pinching his nose. Trey started up the car again, and we set off down the road. Every once in a while I would see Trey's eyes slide to the mirror and pierce into me, sending a wave of nausea flood through my body. I twitched nervously, and gazed up into the sky. I'm not much of a religious person, but I decided to drop off God another dainty little message. Dear God, I pleaded, please kill me now.

Ooooo exciting stuff!

We reached the station quicker then ten minutes

We reached the station in under ten minutes.

One of them got my eye as I passed and grinned, as if to say The ladies love the bad guys, huh mate?

One of them caught my eye as I passed and grinned, as if to say: The ladies love the bad guys, huh mate?

snoring surprisingly loudly for a kid.

Snoring surprisingly loud for a kid.

When you imagine a reunion, you imagine bouncing into each others arms. You imagine screaming and jumping up and down, asking about each other's lives, all in one breath. But when I saw Trey, I wanted nothing more then to run off, Link in tow, and run back to our home. Or run back in time. Run back to when I was a kid and nobody died, they just left for a little while.

I loved this paragraph. You portrayed your main character's emotions very well.

"Wake up boy" A rough voice growled in my ear. I moaned, and clutched my head. There was a loud grumble in the back ground, and wind scratched at my face. I opened my eyes, wondering where I was. There was a ceiling above me, but not the type of ceiling a room would have. This ceiling looked fabricated. Then I noticed Trey, leaning back towards me. He was sitting in a grey, furry seat, and finally I made sense of my surroundings. I was in a car. I pulled myself into sitting position and saw Link motionless and timid in the front. We were on a road, heading somewhere.

You might want to put a page break or something before this paragraph. I was a bit confused when you jumped from the paragraph above this one to this one. Either indicate that Skye (I hope I spelled that right) faints before this paragraph or put a page break.

Dear God, I pleaded, please kill me now.

What an awesome ending to an awesome chapter!

OVERALL

You did a very good job on this chapter. Your writing has improved greatly since the last two chapters. I was hooked from the very beginning of this chapter and the end left me wanting to read more. You didn't info. dump at all and you showed your characters' emotions very well (including Link's). There weren't any super long paragraphs that needed breaking up and there were no major spelling/grammatical errors. Good work and please post more soon!

Sasha

Hello Auteur . I'm June, and I'll be your reviewer for the moment.

I think that this story has a ground for potential. I have followed this since you posted part one. I have to say, for the events in this story, it's not quite giving off as much bang as it should.

To start, the events happen too fast. In some cases, it just may be possible for your parents to be killed and you be sent off the next day, but honestly, that's not really realistic. In situations where minors are concerned, the children are almost always placed in a foster home temporarily, even if it's just for a few days. Standard policy.

In very rare cases would the children be sent off so soon. Usually, it wouldn't happen like this; the children would have to receive some sort of answer to their parent's death before leaving. Officials aren't always the sweetest people, and don't necessarily strive to conceal things from suffering families.

You didn't give us enough of that here. Instead of the story progressing, we find a lazy police officer who's not quite suited to his job. I understand that we'll find irresponsible workers at some turn in our lives or another, but in such a serious case like this, it doesn't seem too likely. I would have loved to see a more upbeat, in focus police officer here. The PO's laziness is making your main character feel like a Gary Stu.


By that, I mean that your main character is unrealistic. He has no feelings! He cries a little, feels a tinge of remorse, but there's an insubstantial lack of emotion for your character, and because of this, your audience cannot grasp your story properly. As an audience, we want to cry for your character, feel his pain, sympathize with him, and this will bring us to love his strong points.

At this standing point, we cannot. His parents died! That pretty much just falls flat and passes by like a car on a street. You're not hitting us enough with it, Auteur. Grind it in our faces, shove it at us. Make us feel your characters through your words.

He seems too cheery. It's too soon for him to be laughing, to be smiling, to be flirting. He should be in a grey mood, and someone should have to drag him out of it. Of course, there's room for individuality, and a person can cope differently. I would have liked to see a little bit more on supporting details.

But, I can't understand Link. He doesn't seem sad, he doesn't seem glad, and this is bad! We should have emotion from him, because your MC's want to comfort him seems out of place. Which brings me to the point, your MC is self centered, but that's a point for later.


There is a lack of background checks. In such a case, children would really never be sent to such a person as Trey. Trey would have to had step in, clean up his appearance for the moment's calling in order to recieve custody of his brothers. Police generally run background checks on relatives (cruel, right?) before they can have custody. Other than that, it's straight to a foster home.


I want you to look at Snoink's Character Development Article(Because your story is totally character driven! ). It touches on some things that are terribly important to focus on in characterization. One of the things that this story lacks is realistic characterization.

This is because you're trying to get us in on all the action, and move the story forward at such a pace where it gets done. Take your time, dear! There is absolutely no rush in writing, ever. Take a look at Trey's rage. It's blind. There's nothing to cause it, really, and I know him being a druggie has an effect on this. As Snoink says, you can't just make a character evil without reason! You have to have reasoning behind the actions of your character, and there is not much to explain this rage.



So, in conclusion of this obviously harsh review! (I'm so evil, aren't I? )Here's what you need to focus on:

1 - Story.

I like your plot, don't like your story. Your story needs more basis than this, and a little bit better time-intervals throughout this. Give the kids some time to try and recover before they have to be shipped off with Brother-evil.

2 - Characters.

I don't understand them and this is bad! Your MC is unreasonable. Trey is ridiculous, and Link is unresponsive! Think humanistic (is that a word, btw?) and pretend this is real life. I would personally be a wreck in some corner of my closet or something.

Also, your side characters need a bit of work, too! They're a little... unrealistic, too, and that needs fixing.



And pay attention to punctuation and grammar. There are a few flubs in here; nothing serious, but I'd recommend keeping an eye on those. Good luck working on this! Hope I didn't shred you too bad?

June