FACEMAP. Chapter 2. [R-13 for Swear Words]

3 posts
User avatar
Gender Female
Points 12534
Reviews 93
If you haven't read the first chapter, please do. I will give you a review back in return for a review of this or the first chapter. Just PM me with what you'd like looked at and I'll be sure to get back at you. Word Count: 1731. P.S Sorry it's so short!

----------------------------------------

"Wake up, Link" I growled, shoving Link's small, tangled body fiercely. He gave a small cry of pain that suddenly made me regret the move, but Link wouldn't get up otherwise. "Hurry up, buddy, Officer Lard Ass is coming in like, well, I dunno, but he's coming!" I had woken up at 12, and it was now 12:30. I had dragged out two suitcases from mum and dad's room, after I moped around a bit, gazing at all their stuff-heck, I even finally admired the dress mum had spent so much on. Only it would never be worn by her again. The truth was hard sometimes. I wiped away a tear and began shoving in clothes from my closet.

Link and I shared a room, but I was alright with that. Link was usually quiet anyways, even before he had sunk into silence. Link finally untwisted himself from his blanket, and looking like some sort of stoned emo-hippie person, stumbled out of his bed and fell flat into the suitcase. "Going like that, are you?" I joked, trying to see him crack a smile. He grunted and pushed himself onto all fours, before standing up and dusting himself off unfazed. By the time he even glanced at the closet on his side of the room, I was done and stood up to stretch my cramped muscles. "Do you need any help?" I asked casually. He shook his head and began tearing out his clothes from the closet. "Careful," I warned, "it's not a big suitcase, take what you need only." He snorted scornfully, his back facing me. I glowered at him then dragged my suitcase to the front door.

The kitchen was in the room next to the lounge, so I wandered in there and took some cereal out of a ball. I would miss this place, I truly would. I had spent 15 years of my life in this spot. I could show you every crack in the wall, every torn piece of carpet, every single thing in this house was known to me. Sure, it was a small house. There was three bedrooms, well, one of them was a study-Trey's old room, and the other two were mine and Link's, and mum and dad's. It was quite a funny experience to have only 1 bathroom split between the family. I remember when I was younger and dad used to yell at Trey to hurry up using the bathroom, either because dad needed to piss real bad or because he'd forgotten to shave the night before, and had some big, important meeting he needed to look the part in. Ah, yep, those were the days of the Morris family. I couldn't help but wonder where Trey was now. Was he off the drugs? Had his own little family, perhaps? I sighed. Either Way, Trey was the past and this was the present. A knock at the door quickly swept away my misery and I walked to let Officer Seeley in. Officer Seeley nodded his head at me.
"G'day kid, I mean, er, Sid. Is your brother ready, we've got some news for you. But I'd rather you and the little boy heard it together, do you mind going and getting him?" Officer Seeley asked. All at once, my anger and disgust at the man returned.
"Skye," I hissed through gritted teeth, "and the little boy is called Link. Yes, I shall go get him. Do please come in and share your supposed extravagant news." I hoped he could hear the sarcasm and detest in my voice, but no, he truly was a dumb fuck, and smiled cheerfully at me.
"Good on you, Sid" , Officer Seeley replied, nudging past to go and sit on his now-favourite position in this household; the couch. I almost expected him to grab some food on the way to sit down, but perhaps he thought he should try out that new concept called politeness, and didn't. I walked quickly into the room. Link was done and just sitting there, reading.
"Mr. Seeley's here, Link, get your stuff and bring it out. He's got something of dire importance to tell us. Jeez, what next? Our cousins died?" I muttered bitterly. Link got up and shoved the book inside the suitcase. It took a few hard tugs before the zip woke up and realized that it had a job to do; then Link followed me out of the room, lugging the suitcase behind him. I sat down on the couch. By now I had figured out the potential of Officer Seeley's stupidity, and decided to attack him any chance. "So Officer Seeley, what's this big news flash you've come to tell us? We're splitting up into different foster homes? A dog got run over? Don't tell me Mr.Goodbey moved houses? Oh wait, wouldn't it be just so funny if you came to tell us our parent's were still alive? That you got the wrong names? No? Excellent." My face burned with ill-humor, and I watched with critical eyes as Officer Seeley tried to make of what I was saying.
"Ub, ugh, um, I- Trey!" He finally managed to gasp through his sputtering. My eye's widened and I could feel Link tense up at my side.
"What did you say" I said darkly. Officer Seeley looked ready about to pass out with the pressure.
"Your brother Trey is going to take you in instead of being fostered" Officer Seeley replied faintly. He wiped off a growing pool of sweat from his forehead, and looked at me, almost begging for my emotional torture to stop. You would think he would have more balls, but no. I decided as I watched him squirm, he must have either been bullied a lot as a kid, or his wife was more gutsy than him, causing him to have mid-life crisis's everywhere. I licked my lips, tasting the chagrin in my saliva.
"When did all this happen? How did you find him?" I asked quickly.
"Well it's standard procedure to check for any relatives, even if we're told there are none. And in your case, your brother, Trey Morris, was found to be local. Were you not aware of this?" Officer Seeley asked.
"It's family business," I spat viciously at him, "did he really say he was going to take us in? Or did you force us on him?" I asked. Officer Seeley seemed to shift his focus towards Link, but I took the attention back. "Officer Seeley, we are not looking for a fucking therapy lesson, when is our brother coming?" I asked. Officer Seeley's mouth twisted and I paled, realizing that even though my parents were dead, I couldn't swear at the cop, he could sent me to a juvie, or a asylum, depending on how much of a head case he reckoned I was. Officer Seeley seemed to staunch up a bit, finally.
"Mr. Morris, I am aware you are still grieving over the loss of your parents, but you have no right to use such vulgar language, and in front of your brother, too! I am trying to be nice, but do not forget I am a police officer." I sat silent, a scowl on my face. Link sunk into the couch, and Officer Seeley tried to face off with me.
"I'm sorry, Officer Seeley. Now, will you please tell me when our brother is arriving to pick us up?" I asked, a sudden tone of tranquility reaching into words. Officer Seeley relaxed. Boy, he was going to have a fun time tonight, telling his gay mates down at the station he'd calmed down an aggressive, possibly insane 15 year old who'd just lost his entire family. Yeah, coppers do that, exaggerate. They also pretend to save the world, when really they're all a bunch of lazy-arsed bitches sitting and eating donuts; either that or I've just met too many bad cops. My malignity towards officers expanded greatly in the minutes he spoke. I could literally almost feel my blood boil beneath my skin. He was so aggravating and yet he sat there thinking he was the big chief of the city, saving two orphans. His badge shone almost angelically, displayed proudly on the right side of his chest. I loathed his presence, and he seemed determined to drag the conversation on. Extra brownie points for cheering up some possibly depressed kids.
"Alright son, I'll tell ya. I've arranged with Trey for him to meet you two at the station, he didn't seem to want to meet you two here. He have a bad childhood or something?" Officer Seeley chuckled, slapping his thigh as he did so. I almost expected him to start laughing like a donkey, like out of those old Texas cowboy movies. Speaking of which, maybe cowboys and police officers aren't that different, they both wear costumes and over-exaggerate everything.
"He had positively dandy childhood, thanks. Just left home early. So are we meeting him now?" I asked, impatient to get a move on.
"What? Oh, right! Ha, how could I forget? Yep, he's ready to meet you now. It's about 10 minutes to the station from here. You boys ready to get a move on?" Officer Seeley beamed. I nodded my head, having lost the energy to do much else. Link and I followed him out the to the copper car outside, parked in our driveway. Officer Seeley loaded our suitcases into the trunk, and we hopped in the back. To my amazement, Officer Seeley actually fit inside the front seat of the car. I smirked. He wasn't that half-bad after all. He shuffled around a bit and told us to get our seat belts on. After we did that, Officer Seeley turned the engine and a quiet purr came from it. He backed out and was about to set off when Mr.Goodbey came out of the house. He saw us and his face changed from shock to a sympathetic smile.
"Later mate, don't forget to drop by some time!" He yelled from his garden.
"Hold on a sec," I told Officer Seeley. I wound down the window and waved at Mr.Goodbey.
"Bye Mr.Goodbey, thanks for last night! Say goodbye to Travis for us!" I yelled back at him. He grinned and pulled a salute. I laughed, feeling happy for the first time in a while, and saluted him back. The car set off once again and I said a final goodbye to my street.
Last edited by Auteur on Wed Oct 07, 2009 6:22 am, edited 3 times in total.
Most people see what is and never what can be. - Albert Einstein




User avatar
Gender None specified
Points 3290
Reviews 22
Wow! I'm glad you posted the second chapter so quickly. Okay, onto your review.


"Wake up, Link" I growled, shoving Link's small, tangled body fiercely. He gave a small cry of pain that suddenly made me regret the move, but Link wouldn't get up otherwise. "Hurry up, buddy, Officer Lard ass is coming in like, well, I dunno, but he's coming!" I had woken up at 12, and it was now 12:30. I had dragged out two suitcases from mum and dad's room, after I moped around a bit, gazing at all their stuff-heck, I even finally admired the dress mum had spent so much on. Only it would never be worn by her again. The truth was hard sometimes. I stifled a tear and began shoving in clothes from my closet. Link and I shared a room, but I was alright with that. Link was usually quiet anyways, even before he had sunk into silence. Link finally untwisted himself from his blanket, and looking like some sort of stoned emo-hippie person, stumbled out of his bed and fell flat into the suitcase. "Going like that, are you?" I joked, trying to see him crack a smile. He grunted and pushed himself onto all fours, before standing up and dusting himself off unfazed. By the time he even glanced at the closet on his side of the room, I was done and stood up to stretch my cramped muscles. "Do you need any help?" I asked casually. He shook his head and began tearing out his clothes from the closet. "Careful," I warned, "it's not a big suitcase, take what you need only." He snorted scornfully, his back facing me. I glowered at him then dragged my suitcase to the front door. The kitchen was in the room next to the lounge, so I wandered in there and took some cereal out of a ball. I would miss this place, I truly would. I had spent 15 years of my life in this spot. I could show you every crack in the wall, every torn piece of carpet, every single thing in this house was known to me. Sure, it was a small house. There was three bedrooms, well, one of them was a study-Trey's old room, and the other two were mine and Link's, and mum and dad's. It was quite a funny experience to have only 1 bathroom split between the family. I remember when I was younger and dad used to yell at Trey to hurry up using the bathroom, either because dad needed to piss real bad or because he'd forgotten to shave the night before, and had some big, important meeting he needed to look the part in. Ah, yep, those were the days of the Morris family. I couldn't help but wonder where Trey was now. Was he off the drugs? Had his own little family, perhaps? I sighed. Either Way, Trey was the past and this was the present. A knock at the door quickly swept away my misery and I walked to let Officer Seeley in. Officer Seeley nodded his head at me.


Woah. This paragraph is way too long. Break it up into a couple of parts.
"Hurry up, buddy, Officer Lard ass is coming in like, well, I dunno, but he's coming!"


The a** in Officer Lard a** should be capitalized, since it is a name...er, nickname.

I stifled a tear


How do you stifle a tear? I know you can stifle a sob, but a tear?

fell flat into the suitcase


Fell flat onto the suitcase. Hmmmm, actually that doesn't sound right either. Take out the flat and then it should sound better.
Yeah, coppers do that, exaggerate. They also pretend to save the world, when really they're all a bunch of lazy-arsed bitches sitting and eating donuts; either that or I've just met too many bad cops. My malignity towards officers expanded greatly in the minutes he spoke. I could literally almost feel my blood boil beneath my skin. He was so aggravating and yet he sat there thinking he was the big chief of the city, saving two orphans. His badge shone almost angelically, displayed proudly on the right side of his chest. I loathed his presence, and he seemed determined to drag the conversation on. Extra brownie points for cheering up some possibly depressed kids.


Now, I know this is a story and that your main character has lost him mom and dad and that he's angry. I get that and you've portrayed this very well. But, I found that this part insulted me a bit. I will be going to a police academy after high school and yes, not all cops are good, but not all cops are bad either. So, maybe you could tone this part down a tad bit. Of course, this is just my opinion as a reader. ;)

:arrow: CHARACTERS

OK, you've done a good job developing your main character so far through dialogue and actions. But I want to know more about Link! You said he was quiet and doesn't talk much, so of course you won't have him talking a lot, but you could show us more of his facial expressions/actions/etc.

:arrow: PLOT

I like where this is going so far. I'm excited to see how Trey treats his brothers and how his reaction will be to his parents' deaths.

:arrow: OTHER STUFF

At some points in the chapter, I felt like stopping. Not good. You need to add some more suspense to your story that makes the reader want to keep reading. Sure, I want to know how your main character and his brother are going to make it through this, but I don't need to know. Does that make sense? So maybe end your chapter with a cliffhanger..don't tell us everything. Leave some things for the readers to wonder about.

Otherwise, this was a good second chapter and I hope you post some more soon.

Sasha
You told me not to break down. It's the only promise I plan on keeping.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 19189
Reviews 110
Wow, yet another emotional chapter. It's a great follow on, keeping the reader intruiged all throughout. However, it could be improved:

Link was usually quiet anyways, even before he had sunk into silence.


'anyways' is too slang, and it's not good to put it in such a serious context. 'anyway' is much better.

Link finally untwisted himself from his blanket, and looking like some sort of stoned emo-hippie person, stumbled out of his bed and fell flat into the suitcase.
"Going like that, are you?" I joked, trying to see him crack a smile. He grunted and pushed himself onto all fours, before standing up and dusting himself off unfazed.


Always put dialogue on a new line, otherwise it's incorrect, and generally harder to distinguish the text and speech. :wink:

so I wandered in there and took some cereal out of a ball.


This doesn't make sense. Do you mean the MC put some cereal in a bowl?

A knock at the door quickly swept away my misery


Why would the knock on the door sweep away Skye's misery? I thought he didn't want to see the policeman, and leave his house... Wouldn't his misery double?

"What did you say?" I said darkly.


Don't forget the question mark. :mrgreen:

"Your brother Trey is going to take you in instead of being fostered,"


Wow! Yet another twist! I love it. Just don't forget to put a comma at the end of the dialogue.

or a asylum, depending on how much of a head case he reckoned I was.


I think it's an asylum.

Speaking of which, maybe cowboys and police officers aren't that different, they both wear costumes and over-exaggerate everything.


I really don't understand this comparison. I didn't know cowboys exaggerated everything... I think you could get rid of this sentence - you already wrote Skye's opinions on the police in the previous paragraph, anyway. :smt002

So, once again, this is a very succesful chapter! I can't think of any more advice for now... :D

Hope I helped!
“Life itself is the most wonderful fairy tale.”

~Hans Christan Andersen



The best books... are those that tell you what you know already.
— George Orwell, 1984