Ballad of the Blood (1)

Hello. This is the real story here. I hope you like it. Please comment even if just to say its good! Note: Read (0) before you read this.

Spoiler

This is the story, the old man told the kids.

Chapter One

The storm thundered and boomed, sending thin lines of lightning streaking down toward the ground. Bright yellow flashes lit up the night sky for a split second. Dark clouds swirled in a frenzy low to the ground and blotted out the silver moonlight. A tower stood in the center of nature’s battle. It was sleek and black; like polished glass that had never been tarnished by time or the elements. Even as rain poured down it didn’t seem to get wet. Tall and magnificent it stood in the present world but seemingly in a whole world of its own.
Even as the thunder roared and the lightning flared, a different sound could be heard. A chant, a murmur; quiet enough that somebody would almost think they were imagining it, but loud and eerie enough to send a shiver up their spine. It seemed that the tower so quiet and untouchable was not unnoticed; because as water poured down in curtains and nature fought in the swirling clouds, another battle was about to be waged. Gradually, as the murmuring chant grew louder and clearer, the source came into view; goblins, as far as the eye could see. Their grotesque faces and their crimson eyes glowed blurrily through the mist. For the first time ever, blood was going to be spilt in the tower of glass.

The goblin screeched as its thick, slimy body was engulfed in flames. A sword followed the fire, shimmering as it cleaved the goblins head off it shoulders. A muddy boot to the chest sent it falling like a blazing beacon off the tower.
“Vladimor, there are too many.” A man with blood soaking up his black cloak croaked. He stood at the very top of the tower; with the sky above him and now red streaked stone below him. “They number like the stars in the sky. Every one I kill, a hundred take their place.We can't let them have it!” Another goblin fell headless of the tower. This one fell to a shadowy man. He wore the same black cloak as the one man but held himself like a superior
“We always knew brother, that one day blood would defile the tower. Do we let them have what they want, and condemn the world, or to do the harder thing, and die.” Vladimor replied. But even the fire in his eyes was fading.
“You know that I would die a thousand deaths. But even the strongest falter when they stand eye to eye with the face of death.” The man said, his voice even weaker as dark blood formed a puddle on floor beneath him.
“So die, but when you stand eye to eye with the face of death, merely laugh because you have nothing to fear. Death cannot harm the living” Vladimor shouted, his eyes wide with vigor now, as he stabbed his sword clean through the contorted face of a goblin and wrenched it back out again. The other man slumped his shoulders and started to sob.
“I’m not strong enough. My life has only just begun! Please, save me!” he cried, and his mouth stayed open in a silent plea. The man's fear can had overcome him. Before Vladimor could reply, a crude, blackened saber punched through the man's back at out his chest.With a crack it was pulled out and he fell to the floor, his eyes staring blankly at the hole in his body. A hobgoblin bigger than an ogre loomed over Vladimor. It smiled with a mouth full of teeth filed to pointed and stared at him with completely black eyes. Flames rush out of Vladimor’s hands and constricted around the hobgoblin’s neck. The flames sizzled and tightened, choking it before it could make a step forward. With a flash Vladimor lopped both of its arms off and watched it scream silently as it fought for breath and died. A single tear dropped to the floor splattering up, mixing with the rain.
“The time has come.” He murmured to himself. He shuddered and pulled his cloak tighter around him. Black fabric slid over his blade, wiping off the blood on the blade. The wizard slowly descended the wooden ladder in the center of the tower’s very top floor, leaving the body of his comrade behind.

The sour smell of blood stung the noses of the remaining wizard fighters. Even the fear in the air had become strong enough that most of the wizards could smell it. They fought mindlessly now; their bodies completely wasted after the magic had drained every speck of energy they had. And still, as they fought weak and killed one goblin after another, thousands of goblins waited chanting, untouched, waiting for their turn to fight.
A wizard so young he looked almost like a boy frowned, as he killed two goblins in one stroke. A goblin ran towards the boy, saber raised, and blood dripping out of its mouth. He lowered his sword and raised his hand. The goblin froze, and the sword dropped with a clatter to the ground. Its arms spread out like wings; fingers tensed and crooked. Gradually it raised, wavering inches from the floor, and its eyes were open wide as if they were going to pop out of their sockets. Then with a dull snap, its eyes rolled back and its head slumped down limp. Tears dripped down the wizard's face, but still he fought valiantly, without hesitation for an hour, until he suddenly turned his back and ran. In fact all the wizards were running, like fleeting shadows up and up to the top of the tower. Only the magical barriers they created kept the surge of goblins from crushing them underfoot.

A hall of stone was crowded with wounded wizards. Some of them were stone faced, others were yelling in rage. They all stood in a circle around a white marble table with a strange symbol burned in the center. They feuded for a while until suddenly, they all went silent. At the head of the table Vladimor stood, with his hand raised. He held something of great power. You could tell by the glint in the eyes of everybody in the room as they looked at it. He slammed it down on the table and everybody in the room held their breath.
“The time has come as you all know, to do what we all have known we must do. Today many have died for what they have grown to believe. My question for you is, do we let our pride destroy us in the end, or do we make one last effort to save the ones we hold dear. It will kill us all to keep it from them. There will be no second chances. Either we do it and die or we don’t try and the world will fall. Who today will die with me my brothers? I don’t know about you, I have been dreaming about this day since I set foot on this earth. I do not intend to join the others that have died in vain. Who will join me?” Vladimor asked,his lips squeezed in a tight line, and the room remained silent.

Wow. That was amazing! I'm a big fan of fantasy so I was really excited with this! Only on grammatical error I saw was you put "pored" I think you mean, "Poured". Also I only knew they were wizards when you told me they were. I would think that wizards wouldn't use just swords to fight, I would think they would use some magic to. And why were most of the wizards running? Could any stay to fight? Or were they all scared? Anyway. I really liked it, so please please tell me when the second chapter is out! Because it was really great!

Hello there infinite reality. Glad to see a continuation of this story up. To me, this was a marvelous continuation of your prologue; the contrast between the prologue and this piece is very nice. Good job with that.

Your writing style intrigues me; you have a way of arranging your sentences that does appeal to me, but there are a few things I would like to address that I think will help you a lot.

>>Sentence fluidity and phrasing

As I've said, I am enjoying some of the phrases you are using, and, overall, your writing style is engaging and captures my attention, but sometimes your sentences strike me awkward sounding and there are some grammatical issues. So, I'm just going to address each of these issues briefly within a few paragraphs, summarize them and allow you to do some of the nitpicking yourself. Because, ultimately, that is going to help you the most. ^_^

The storm thundered and cracked (cracked what? word choice?) sending thin lines of webby lightning streaking down and singing ground (this is awkward. First, I think you can incoroporate the 'webby' idea by using a more powerful verb and avoiding that adjective and second, if we take out the first phrase, we get 'sending singing thin lines of lightning singing the ground' which just sounds awkward). Bright yellow flashes lit up the night sky for a split second. Dark clouds swirled in a frenzy low to the ground and blotted out the silver moonlight. A tower stood in the center of nature’s battle. It was sleek and black; like polished glass that had never gotten tarnished by time or the elements. Even as rain poured down it didn’t seem to get wet. Tall and magnificent it stood in the present world but seemingly in a whole world of its own.(erm, this part stikes me as a little over-the-top)

Even as the thunder roared and the lightning flared, a different sound could be heard. A chant, a murmur; quiet enough that you would almost think you were imagining it (why are we taking on 2nd person here? this sounds a little awkward), but loud and eerie enough to send a shiver up your spine. It seemed that the tower so quiet and untouchable was not unnoticed (awkward); because as water pored (poured) down in curtains and nature fought in the swirling clouds, another battle was about to be waged. Gradually, as the murmuring chant grew louder and clearer, the source came into view; goblins, as far as the eye could see. Their grotesque mutated (the two adjectives detract power from each other; use one fantastic adjective rather than two generic ones) faces and their crimson eyes glowed blurrily through the mist. For the first time ever, blood was going to be spilt in the tower of glass.

The goblin screeched shrilly as its thick, slimy body was engulfed in flames. A sword followed the fire(,) shimmering as it cleaved the goblins head of it shoulders(,) and a muddy brown boot to the chest sent it falling like a blazing beacon off the top of the tower.

Okay, these three paragraphs encompass a lot of the sentence-level things I noticed here, so I'm going to address the topics I bring up here individually and let you run through the rest of your story searching for these things, kay?

1. Choice of Words

Word choice is key. In the instance of 'cracked', the word is used actively in your sentence which means that something is 'cracking'. If the storm is cracking, that sounds strange.... so then what is being cracked? The word cracked is cool, yes, but you must take into account what is doing the action and what is receiving the action. I know, you learned that a long time ago, but keep that in mind as you keep reading this. Also, choose your words with image in mind. I mentioned here that I thought the word 'webby' could be made into a verb that encompassed your thought more effectively than an adjective. General rule of thumb: make your verb brilliant first and then decide if you need an adective. Choose a webby verb to make your lightning webby. Also, be very particular with your adjectives as with 'grotesque' and 'mutated'. Give us an image, but don't overbear your words with adjectives. Better to have one great adjective (or better, one great verb) than a handful of decent adjectives. So, pay attention to word selection; really analyze what you are saying. And read your sentences aloud. I'll get back to that though.

2. Avoid Cliches and Cheesy Tricks

A hint of cliche here and there is not necessarily bad and perhaps inevitable. Sometimes there are things that need to be stated that might be a tad cliche; the trick is making them not SOUND cliche. Such is the instance with the "tall and magnificent it stood..." sentence. The problem is not that the tower cannot be removed from the setting. The problem is that the phrase 'seemed to stand in a whole world of its own' sounds cliche. So find another way to remove thise tower from your setting. The tower can loom. The tower can stick up out of the landscape. The tower can appear to be silent and glowering while the chaos goes on below. Just avoid cliches. Also, avoid cheesy tricks. Here, I will talk about your second person-shift. Second person shifts are not always bad, and they can be done very well, but don't use them just to make the reader hopefully empathize. Make the reader empathize first and then, if it will significantly add to the story, use some second person. None of this second person to put the reader in the story business unless you are taking on the challenge of writing your story in second person. You don't need the word 'you' to make your reader empathize.

3. The Way Your Sentences Sound

Awkward sentences are curses. They are distracting and one of the largest obstacles that we writers face. Which is why we must hunt them with undying precision. I pointed out a few awkward sentences in your paragraphs, and I could go on and on about why they are awkward, but, ultimately, me telling you why the structure is awkward will not help you because very few writers sit down and map out of thee structure of their sentence to make it sound right. So then what do we do? We listen to the sentence. Read your work aloud. Read your work aloud. Read your work aloud. I cannot stress this enough. As a writer, you are attuned to the way sentences sound and reading aloud you are much more likely to catch your stumbling sentences than while reading them. If I keep saying this, it is because it is true! Read it aloud multiple times, and if you find yourself getting lost or feeling uncomfortable, mess with stuff. I mean it. Do this and you'll be fixing your awkward sentences before anyone has to tell you they are awkward. Plus reading aloud is fun.

So, those basically cover the sentence-level stuff I found. So, revisit your piece with these things in mind, and if you have any questions or need any more help or explanation, feel free to ask. But onto the next point.

>> Characters and Development

Okay. This is an action scene. Which means that we see the characters in action which generally means not a whole lot of time for interior thoughts and explorations of characters. Your characters are always moving and you want to keep your writing pace moving to keep up with the action. Therefore, how do you drag your reader into your character when you open with an action scene? Is it possible? Yes. Selection of detail. Your character is acting, so make his or her actions reflective of the character. Really think about how and why your chracter is doing something. Flashes of facial expression, strange mannerisms or movements. Ways they stick out. Details, details--very important details. I get the impression, judging by your prologue, that you really want me to dig deep into your characters, that you want the allure of your story to be character-driven. So grab your reader and don't let go. Details.

An example where you did this beautifully:

“So die brother, but when you stand eye to eye with the face of death, do not falter, merely laugh because you have nothing to fear. Death cannot harm the living” Vladimor shouted as he stabbed his sword clean through the contorted face of a goblin and wrenched it back out again. The other man slumped his shoulders and started to sob.

What did you do here? You just grabbed me and made me wonder who the other man is. Why? Because he sticks out. Because his reaction is so vivid and set apart that I am immediately drawn to who he is.

Yes, you may say, but Vladimor is not going to slump his shoulders and start sobbing. So, how do I work with him? An example where Vladimor grabbed me:

“We always knew brother, that one day blood would defile the tower. What we have to decide now is whether to let them have what they want and condemn the world, or to do the harder thing, and die for what we know is right.” Vladimor replied. But even the fire in his eyes was fading.

But the fire in his eyes was fading. Excess of these images hurts a story, but this stuck out so much you immediately intrigued me with who Vladimor is. Here's the thing with Vladimor. His dialogue is very formal, and formal dialogue sometimes distances readers from your character. Now, I don't have a problem with Vladimor speaking in a slightly stilted way as long as you don't make this a habit for every single character, fitting or not, but these flashes of Vladimor's specific actions and reactions will drawn us into him despite his formal dialogue. So, really pay attention to what he's doing, what he looks like when he's doing it. You don't necessarily need more descripton. You just need more specific details, I think, to help bring Vladimor to life.

All in all, I really did enjoy this. You writing style shows a lot of potential and I would be delighted to read more of your work if you keep posting this. Nice work. Keep writing and feel free to PM me if you have any questions.

I can tell by reading this that you have great talent, and have put a lot of work into this. It's not often I read something this good on the internet. Yes, there are one or two issues, pointed out below, but otherwise, fantastic

sending thin lines of thinlightning streaking down toward the ground.

Whoops. Repeated adjective there.

that had never gottenbeen tarnished by time or the elements.

Gotten sounds a bit unprofessional.

because as water poured down in curtains and nature fought in the swirling clouds, another battle was about to be waged.

Brilliant sentence

The opening paragraph had some really nice description. In my opinion, it's borderline on overdoing it, so perhaps cut a little bit out. Give just enough to visualise the setting, then jump into the action. Although there were no characters or action in the first paragraph, the foreshadowing compensates.

The goblin screeched shrilly as its thick, slimy body was engulfed in flames.

Avoid unnecessary adverbs.

A sword followed the fire, shimmering as it cleaved the goblins head off its shoulders. andA muddy brownboot to the chest sent it falling like a blazing beacon off the top of the tower.

For action scenes, short choppy sentences = fast pace. Divide long sentences into multiple shorter ones. Try to be less wordy too. The colour of the main character's boots is of no importance to the reader - at least at this point in the story. Including unimportant descriptions only slows the pace.

“They number like the stars in the sky. Every one I kill, a hundred take their place. Soon we will fall. What happen if they obtain what they seek?”

If all this is the case, why is he speaking so calm, cool and collected. Try something more like: "There's too many. We can't let them find it."

Another goblin fell headless of the tower. This one fell to a shadowy man. He wore the same black cloak as the one man but held himself like a superior.

This needs to be in a new paragraph.

Now I won't go through the whole conversation. Let me just say it needs attention. This is a novel, not an opera. Melodramatic conversations where the characters say more than they realistically would for the audience's sake have no place. You need to convey a greater sense of urgency and fear.

The sour smell of wet metal and blood stung the noses of the remaining wizard fighters.

Using senses other than sight is great, so good job here. I don't think wet metal has a smell though.

They fought mindlessly now; their bodies so wasted as the magic drained every ounce of energy they had.

A wizard so young he looked almost like a boy...

This should be a new paragraph.

“The time has come as you all know, to do what we all have known we must do. Today many have died for what they have grown to believe. My question for you is, do we let our pride destroy us in the end, or do we make one last effort to save the ones we hold dear. It will kill us all to keep it from them. There will be no second chances. Either we do it and die or we don’t try and the world will fall. Who today will die with me my brothers? I don’t know about you, I have been dreaming about this day since I set foot on this earth. I do not intend to join the others that have died in vain. Who will join me?”

This speech is so vague. What must they do? What have they grown to believe? Nobody really talks cryptically like this. The bit I've crossed out is because it makes him seem highly incompetent, asking a question and then speaking again as if he's afraid of the answer he might get.

And the ending. Loved it It was totally unexpected that they'd stay quiet. Usually inspirational speeches are followed by hearty cheers and the like, so this way refreshingly different.

Let me tell you, you have an excellent eye for detail. The way you describe the setting puts a more vivid picture in my mind than most published novels do - especially the towertop battle scene. The areas you need to work on are pacing (Shorten sentences in action scenes), and more realistic dialogue.

Just wanted to say your opening was kinda slow- lots of books start with storms. In my opinion the characters didn't speak very naturally, but then if they're wizards and all maybe they're not supposed to. Your ending was well written and very suspenseful and dramatic, which I mean in a good way. The events confused me a little- your talking about two wizards fighting for their lives, the brother dies, which i think you did well. But suddenly you bring all these other wizards into the picture and then they're running into a secret room for a meeting, even though they're literally in the middle of a life-or-death battle... I had trouble following this one. Maybe they do something to buy themselves some time, or something? I don't know how your story's world works or the plot yet, of course, but you might want to think about tweaking that part.Also:

He held something of great power. You could tell by the glint in the eyes of everybody in the room as they looked at it.

I saw a few of these spots- the story would flow better if you made the two sentences one. Maybe something like 'You could tell by the glint in everyones' eyes that he held something of great power,' or something- you get what I'm trying to say?
Anyway, I think you have a good start, so good luck!

Sounds great! Reminded me a little bit of lord of the rings to be honest, when they are in the Mines of Moria adn they find Gimli's couin. (Although I haven't read the books just seen the movie.)

Didn't notice too many things wrong.

Another goblin fell headless of the tower.

'Off' here

their bodies so wasted as the magic drained every once of energy they had.

I believe you mean 'ounce' here.

All in all, I enjoyed it and seems a solid start to a novel. It is intriguing enough for me to want to read more.

Hey there! Here as requested!

Ok, so I didn't review your prologue because I think that everyone who's commented it has pretty much sorted you out. You do have some very helpful reviews on this too but I'll see if I can do anything.

The storm thundered and boomed

I like storms at the start of stories, I really do. But "thundered and boomed" feels a little overused when describing a storm. It's the first line so I feel that you could put something slightly more ... original here.

Tall and magnificent it stood in the present world but seemingly in a whole world of its own

Re-iterating what other people have said, this sentence sounds a little awkward and is cliched.

"They number like the stars in the sky. Every one I kill, a hundred take their place. Soon we will fall. What happen if they obtain what they seek?”

I don't think this has to be four seperate sentences, maybe link a couple?

The man had broken

This could be punchier as "he had broken"



I must say, I really like your writing style, it's interesting and pulls the story together. It's very well thought out and written; showing that you have a lot of talent!
So far, I'm really enjoying your plot! It's interesting and is hooking me in, so far. The prologue and this chapter were both very different - and now I really want to know the links between them!
Although your dialogue does seem a little stilted and formal at times, I do think that this could suit Vladimor's character - as long as it isn't a running theme for many other people in the book.

Apart from that, I think people have pretty much covered what I wanted to say! It's a wonderful chapter and I'll get onto your other pieces as soon as possible!

~Amy

Goodness gracious! I do not know how you explained that so easily. I can't even think about how I would begging if i wanted to tell the part of your story you have told. I want to read more so much! Good Job.
~Classy

Hey Infinite, Morgan here again!

Okay, I found ONE thing here.

Flames rush out of Vladimor’s hands and constrict around the hobgoblin’s neck. The flames sizzle and tighten, choking it before it could make a step forward.

I think this should be past-tense. The rest of it is in past-tense, and it looks odd in present-tense. That's all I found. I'll star this one too.

Happy YWSing!

Morgan. (Crocky)